what's happening

A dreamy scene, the sun shining bright above me, blinding my eyes. I was lying down, face up the skies, my back against the soft grass. I lifted my hands in an attempt to cover the sun from my eyes.

Small hands held my hand and a small boy smiled down at me, blonde hair and beautiful brown eyes that reminded me of Archer's.

He laughingly pulled me up and I let myself be. As I sat up, he ran, laughing without any care in the world. And then he ran further, briefly stopping to look back to me and he started waving his hand. My heart beat faster.

"Come back here!" I screamed and tried to chase him, but he kept going.

I haven't even opened my eyes and my head was already spinning. My whole body felt heavy and I felt like I had no strength at all.

It absolutely didn't help that when I opened my eyes, Archer was not beside me. I've been so emotional and I've been needing him so much more. Although we promised to contact each other frequently, in a way we both knew that that was a wishful thinking.

The attack at the port seemed much worse than what had been initially reported so he stayed there for a whole week before they left for Jessica's mate's pack.

Really, I tried my best not to think too much of him because I was going to end up missing him even more, but that didn't work. It's probably also the mate bond, but these past few days I've been really needing him and it even made me cry.

I hated the vulnerability.

The best way to forget was to bury myself in work and that helped because I had a lot to do anyways. Training both juniors and female adult warriors proved to be the hardest because I often sparred with them and because I've been under the weather for far too long now, I found myself on the ground most of the time.

Thankfully, my students were understanding.

Today, however, I'm feeling especially worse.

Today, something feels especially wrong.

I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm forgetting something and I just don't know what. I feel my heart wrenching and I woke up with tears in my eyes from the physical pain that I was feeling but it wasn't just that.

I remembered that I noticed a feint scent around the pack since a few days ago, but whenever I asked anyone else, they always responded that they couldn't notice it so it's probably just me.

There's something wrong, I just don't know what it is and I can't stop the tears from falling.

I tried to think and remember or even try to figure out what it is that's making me feel this way.

Why do I feel like this?

Why do I feel so down? Why do I feel so weak? Why do I feel like I'm losing something very precious to me?

Is it just me missing Archer? Is it that? Gosh, these mate bonds are brutal aren't they?

But it wasn't that and I knew it wasn't that.

There's something more.

There's something staring me at the face, but I can't see it.

Just what the heck is it?

Although I didn't want to, I forced myself to get up and put my feet off the bed.

And then I felt it.

My eyes opened wide as I looked at the blood flowing from thighs.

My heart dropped, my body went cold and I knew I turned pale at the scene before me. The pain in my lower abdomen followed, an excruciating pain.

I didn't know how to react, I didn't know what to think, but my brain was connecting the dots and I was praying with all of my being that what I was thinking wasn't right.

The morning sicknesses, not liking any food, the pain I've been feeling, the scent, all of it.

All of it.

I-- I-- I was pregnant?

My hand was trembling incessantly as I reached down to touch the blood and losing all strength to support myself to even stand, I fell on the ground.

Blood accumulated on the wooden floor, but then I saw a big clump of blood and somehow... somehow... I just knew.

I screamed in horror, I screamed in pain. I wanted to vomit and if I could, I probably would have but my stomach was empty.

The world around me turned grey, the pain I felt was indescribable. My heart broke in a way I never knew it could.

It hurt, it hurt so much. It hurt so damn much.

"No... no... my baby." I tried to whisper and tried to feel any heartbeat or anything but there wasn't anything.

I didn't feel anything beyond the pain. My tears came down and kept coming. The lump in my throat made swallowing hard and speaking extremely difficult.

"No... please... please don't--" I looked down on the blood on my hands and I screamed.

Again. It's my fault again. The blood is in my hands again.

It was my fault.

How did I not know?

How could I have not felt it?

I'm a terrible person, I'm a terrible woman. My baby was taken away because I was going to be a terrible mother.

Right.

"I'm so sorry-- I'm so sorry-- I'm so so so sorry, please don't leave. Please forgive me, come back. I will take care of you." I tried to whisper, to whom, I don't really know.

I tried to locate a heartbeat, a scent, but there was nothing. The strange feint scent that followed me for days was not here anymore. It was my child.

The bleeding didn't stop, the pain in my lower abdomen eased, but the pain my chest was heavy and terrible and I didn't know what to do with it.

I felt like my pain was going to eat me up, I felt like I was going to pass out from the pain that I was feeling, but all I could do was cry.

My mind was still recollecting from all these past few days. The amount of times I was knocked down, hits all over and in the stomach, the amount of times I've forgotten a meal, the amount of times I stayed up to finish a work.

Is that why? Is that why you left?

And now all I could do was weep and wish that what was happening right now wasn't true.

But the pain was too real, the lost was right in front of me, every being in me confirmed that this wasn't a dream. This was cold hard reality.

I lost my child and it's all my fault.

I wept in complete anguish and agony.

I didn't know what to do.

I mean-- what can I do?

I longed for my mother, for my family.

Archer.

I needed Archer. I so badly needed Archer right now. But what if he hates me? What if my mom gets angry at me? What if the pack hates me for this?

It was my fault after all.

It was my fault for not knowing. It was my fault for not realizing when there were so many signs.