Chapter 89 Love Yourself

Love Yourself

Nikolai

Ava's eyes closed and I tightened my hold on her waist and her legs.

"He is yours to kill." I looked at Javier, motioning towards Maggot before I left the cottage with my brave mate in my arms. I was in awe of her strength. I knew she would come, I knew she would come at least once before the eight days were up. But she still managed to shock me with the strength that she carried inside her. All of us were shocked.

And I saw something in her eyes today that gave me a realization. I felt like I had been enlightened. She was done with her past now. She was done being the submissive, meek Avalyn she had been molded into. Ava had broken out of that enclosure and was ready to metamorphose into the strong, confident, and brilliant woman who will lead this world by my side. I just hope she recognizes that too and will listen to me with an open mind this time around.

Halfway on our way to the cottage, we're staying in, Ava's eyes fluttered open. Her hair turned back to brown and her eyes were back to the usual chocolate color too. They glistened with tears.

"Don't cry," I said gently. She sniffed and nodded. She kept staring at me the entire time I looked straight ahead, not wanting to miss a single rock or a bump on the trail which would cause me to miss a step and hurt my precious cargo.

When we reached the cottage, I opened the door and entered. Tessa immediately jumped to her feet and closed the door behind me.

"Fill up the bathtub and then light up the fireplace in our bedroom," I told her and she meekly nodded before rushing upstairs.

"You can set me down now."

"Can I?" I raised my brows and then gently placed her down when she nodded.

She missed a step and my hands automatically shot out to grab her waist.

"Maybe not." She bit her lip and looked up at me with her wide, doe-shaped eyes. Vulnerability shone through them, tugging at my heart.

I captured her lips in a bruising kiss. Sparks coursed through my entire body and I picked her up again. Her legs wound around my waist and her arms around my neck. I gripped the flesh of her ass and squeezed.

She moaned into my mouth, her fingers gripping and pulling my hair. I lost control. This entire week, I've been soft with her. But now that she has put Vermin and everything related to her past where it belonged— in the past, she has risen from her past self's ashes like a fiery phoenix. She has moved on. She isn't on the edge anymore. She is totally and completely free. From Vermin and her nightmares.

Good fucking riddance.

I feasted on her, her jaw, her neck, my mark as I carried her upstairs.

A throaty moan left her mouth before her nose dug in the juncture between my neck and my shoulder, where her mark will be. I won't ask her to mark me. I want her to want to do it. Just like I did. And she will, one day. She just isn't the possessive type. One of the many things I love about her.

Her nails scratched along my back, drawing blood, and then she took a deep breath.

"Tonight, Nikolai. You will fuck me," she groaned and nipped my earlobe. "Enough with the early morning shit."

I've never heard sweeter words.

I growled and slammed her against the wall and tore her bloody top and sucked on her glorious breasts. Her fingers gripped my hair as she pulled and I groaned. Goddess, I'll never get enough of this woman. And then she started trailing kisses along my jaw and neck.

Suddenly, she gagged. "The blood tastes disgusting."

I laughed. "I quite enjoy the sight of it on you." There were multiple streaks of blood on her face.

She unlocked her legs and slid down. "Shower." She grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the bathroom and I followed like the lovesick puppy I had become because of her.

She pulled us under the shower and turned it on before she started unbuttoning my jeans. Our hands worked fast to undress each other. Once I had her underwear off I picked her up and pushed her against the wall before I buried myself under her.

She moaned loudly.

I grabbed her legs and hitched her higher before I thrust inside her again, harder than ever.

"Fuck." She screamed harder. I grinned. I molded her breasts as I shot in and out of her, hard and fast.

Her feet slipped down and I squeezed her nipple. Both of us groaned. Freezing water fell over us but we didn't care. She tugged at my hair and clawed at my chest and shoulder.

"May I come?" She gripped my shoulders.

"Yes," I growled before I pumped harder and pulled out and shot my load on her chest and abdomen and pussy. "Oh, Nik." Her legs trembled and barely held on to me as she came forcefully and loudly, chanting my name.

"Fucking hell," her head rolled and dropped to my shoulder and her fingers dug deep into my back. I held her tight to make sure she wouldn't fall. She was breathing hard by the time she finished.

She slid down my body and planted her feet on the floor before her arms encircled my waist and her head rested on my chest. I turned the water warm and caressed the back of her head, marveling how her hair turned to silver and brown again and again as I touched them. "We need to talk, Nikolai." She said softly.

"Yes, we do." I nodded. I wondered what she wanted to tell me and how I will tell her what I had realized. Like last time, I don't want her to agree with me just to make me happy. I want her to want to do it.

We took a quick but thorough shower, making sure no blood or smell remained on us before we moved to the bathtub. It was a small, circular wooden thing. It was much smaller than any bathtub I had seen but it seemed of a normal size for a person of average height. I was six foot seven, packed with muscles, and well over two hundred pounds. There was no way both of us could fit.

Ava gave crinkled her nose, "finally a good thing about being a midget."

I laughed. "Five foot four isn't a midget, Love. And I love your height, okay? It allows me to feel like a big, bad Alpha and makes me feel strong enough to protect you." I picked her up and placed her in the tub. "It helps me do things like this easily."

"In our world it is. Everyone is taller than me." She pouted and settled in the hot water, getting comfy. "I can never look down on anyone like you do."

"You want to be tall so you can look down on people?" I chuckled.

"It's a useful skill to have." She giggled.

"True." I agreed. "Now shift. I'm coming in."

Her eyes widened at that. "You won't fit!"

"That's what she said." I winked. She splashed me with water, "you mean me!" She whined jokingly, "that's what I said." She scooted and I stepped inside and sat down.

"Possessive? I like it." I winked and I sat up straight and rested my elbows on the edge and I had to dangle my legs out of the edge, on either side of Ava. I smirked at her triumphantly.

Ava gave me a minx-like smile and crawled on top of me like a kitten, her eyes glowing. She settled on my lap and placed her hands on my chest. My hands went to her waist to feel her buttery skin. I've never touched a skin softer than her's. "What did you want to talk about?"

Her hands kept wandering around my body— my chest, abs, shoulders, biceps—touching, feeling, squeezing. I kept looking at her lazily, relishing her admiring gaze and touch.

"You're perfect, Nikolai." She started softly. "Nothing you do is wrong. Everything is planned—well thought out. You have a temper but it is never misplaced and you don't lash out as I do. You make hundreds of decisions every day that affect hundreds of lives and all of them are right too—mostly. We have a different philosophy on many things because of which I think not all of them are right. And you make any decision about us, for us, for me and I truly believe that all of them are right. But I want to make my decisions on my own. And when it comes to us, I want us to make decisions together. I can't guarantee that they will be right or perfect. We may fight because we believe in different things, both of us can and most probably will get angry. I might lash out too. But I want you to let me do it and allow me to let me make my mistakes and learn from them."

My fingers thread through her wet hair and I brought her face closer to mine and kissed her, "I wanted to tell you the same thing."

She backed up a little, "I want to help with our pack too. I don't want to remain a Luna just in a name like I am right now. I want to contribute as everyone else does. This past week that I've been helping Papa made me realize that I can do it and I have a lot more potential. I know I can do it. You don't need to do everything anymore. And I know it won't be the smartest decision to hand over everything directly but maybe...you can teach me. I don't want to be the kind of Luna who sits on her ass and is handed everything she desires and more. And I...I want..." she let out a breath, unable to find words for what she wanted to say.

"I understand, Ava." I caught both her hands in my own. "I know what you are trying to tell me. Because I wanted to tell you the same thing. I saw something in you today that made me realize your strength, your potential. And I promise I'll do everything to help you become the Luna you dream of becoming."

She bit her lip, "thank you." She played with my fingers before she traced the veins on my hands. "But does this mean you'll not spank me? Or dominate me?"

"What do you want?" I flipped the question on her. To be honest, I liked that part of our relationship, I liked being dominant in bed and being in control and I know she liked it too. But if that's not what she wanted, then that was it. It wouldn't happen.

She looked up at me expectantly. "No." She whispered. "I hate it." What? Does she hate it? But I thought she liked it, loved even! Did I get it wrong? Was she going on with it for my sake?

And then she burst out into laughter. "I'm joking, Nikolai. You look like I've just kicked your puppy." She laughed again, the sound calming me. "You know I love it! And I don't ever want that to change. You know I like it rough. I literally can't cum without a little rush of pain."

"I knew it." I tickled her sides and she tried to squirm away from me, giggling melodiously, but I held on to her tighter. "Also, no punishments from now, okay?"

Her laughter subsided and she grew serious. "I'm terrified of making a mistake and affecting so many lives because of it. If there is no fear of repercussion, I'm afraid I'll become... careless."

"Being scared is a good thing, Ava. You'll be more careful because of it. And there are always repercussions of your actions. If I don't think something is right, I'll let you know, if the people don't like something, they will voice out. But I doubt it'll ever come to that. Your head and heart are in a good place and that's what matters."

"And what happens when I get angry? I don't think I'll get better at controlling myself very easily or quickly."

"We'll get to it when we get to it. We'll figure something out. And punishment doesn't come until after you calm down anyways. And now, it just won't come." I shrugged.

"And you can always get mad at me later," she gave me a mischievous smile and bit my lip, "and then I can explore more ways to get you to forgive me."

I groaned and cupped her butt. "I like that. In fact, why don't you practice right now?"

She began by placing butterfly kisses along my jaw and then my neck. A low moan escaped my mouth when I felt her tongue. My hands gripped her thighs as I tried to regain control. She scooted down to trail wet kisses down my sternum.

"Take me, Nikolai." She rasped.

And just like that, I lost the fight. There is only so much torture a man can take. I gripped her ass before I stood up with her in my arms. She squealed at the suddenness and gripped my shoulders. I placed her down after I had stepped out of the 'bathtub'.

I threw a towel towards her and picked one up myself. With frantic motions, we dried ourselves and rushed to get out, the urgency to be one again hitting us hard. She bent down to dry her legs and my blood rushed to my dick painfully. An idea popped into my mind. And today was the perfect day. A celebration was in order.

When we walked out, I saw Tessa was poking the fireplace, trying and failing to keep the fire going.

"Bring me some coconut oil, then run to the cottage beside ours and ask Max for two handcuffs," I ordered Tessa.

"Yes, Alpha." She gulped before she ran out of the bedroom.

"Braid your hair," I told Ava.

Her hands rose from her sides and she began braiding her long hair, all the way down to her waist before she used the rubber band on her wrist and secured it, and then flipped the braid behind her shoulder.

I thought of where I wanted Ava's first time to be. It had to be the bed, surely. Before I could say anything, Ava was on her knees and with me in her mouth.

"Fuck." I groaned as my hips buckled.

She looked up at me with twinkling eyes and then started sucking me hard. Fucking shit. She did a thing with her tongue and my head rolled back in pleasure. Goddamn, this woman will be the death of me. "Take me deep, Love," I groaned. Pleasure coursed through my veins when she deep-throated me. She choked a little and a tear slid down her cheek. Fuck.

We were at it for a couple of minutes before the door opened and Tessa stepped in with the handcuffs and oil. Her eyes immediately lowered when she saw us.

"Keep them on the side table and get out," I grunted and focused on Ava.

And then Ava did the thing again and my belly clenched and I shot my load. A deep, guttural groan came from deep within me as I came hard and long. Fuck. It was so good. Pleasure at its best. Ava was a fucking pro. Without even needing to say a word, she gulped every single drop of my liquid, maintaining eye contact with me all the while. It made me want her even more. She let me go with a pop and I was already hard as fuck again. She stood up with a smug expression, satisfied with her actions.

Tessa had placed the oil and handcuffs on the side table before she ran out.

"Lie on the bed. On your stomach." I grinned at Ava as picked up the oil bottle and squeezed some out on my palms before.

She did as I asked eagerly. I got on the bed on my knees behind her. Then, I gripped her hips and pulled her ass up, enough so I could see her pink little nub. I applied the oil on the entirety of her ass, massaging it in good and having my fun molding and squeezing. She gasped. When I was done, I gave her a good wiggle before I spread her asscheeks and then circled her nub, oiling it too.

Another squeak left Ava.

"Comfy?" I continued my ministrations and then inserted a finger and pumped it in and out to lubricate her good.

"Yes." She moaned, squirming.

"I think you are ready, Love. Let me know if you are not." I put my second finger in and she gasped before letting out a small moan.

"I'm ready. I'm so ready, Nikolai." She groaned, squirming her ass to feel more of my fingers.

"Good girl." I took my fingers out. "Now turn around."

Letting out a frustrated sound, she got off. I chuckled at that.

"On your back in the middle of the bed. Place your feet on the bed and hold your ankles." I said and she did, anticipation in her every move.

I took one handcuff and secured it around her left wrist and her left ankle. I took the other one and secured it around her right wrist and right ankle. I took a couple of pillows and stuffed them under her to get a better angle. Once I was satisfied, I looked down at Ava who was looking back at me with need.

I grabbed her feet and pushed them up. Her eyes turned shocked again when she realized the position she had been locked in now. Her hands were straight in the air and her legs were bent, her knees touching her chest and her feet up in the air. Her legs were open and her pussy and asshole were bare to me. To do with as I please.

I took more coconut oil and rubbed it over my cock, pumping it at the sight of Ava a couple of times. When I was nicely lubricated, I loomed over her and she rested her legs over my shoulders.

Her eyes stared deep into mine.

"Ready?" I asked. And then I lined my cock at her entrance.

"Always." She whispered.

I smiled down at her. "You need to relax. If it hurts too much, let me know. I'll stop. I promise."

"Yes, Nikolai." Her cheeks pinked and I thrust in slowly, inch by inch till I was all in. She was tight and was squeezing me deliciously. I waited for her signal to continue. Her eyes squeeze shut before she opened them again and then nodded.

And then I started moving and my other hand reached down to rub her clit.

"Nik," she cried. "Fuck." A tear fell from the corner of her eye.

"Does it hurt?" I paused with a lot of difficulties. She felt so good. And the fact that I was her first excited me more.

"Keep going!" She screamed. And keep going, I did. I kept going faster and harder.

Her eyes bulged and I felt her insides shake. Fuck. She is extra sensitive there. There was not a second when she didn't groan or moan or didn't writhe under my body. She was breathing hard and she matched my movements to get a harder thrust. And the restrictions of movements further increased her sensitivity.

"Can I please cum?" She cried.

"Yes," I grunted and pumped harder and pinched her clit. She screamed like a banshee and came to a couple of seconds before I did. Both of our bodies coiled tight as we looked in each other's eyes as we came. I saw literal stars in her eyes, heck, I saw the entire galaxy in her eyes.

"Fuck, Ava." I collapsed over her. Her asshole was so warm and tight that even I couldn't last as long as I normally did.

"We are so doing this again." Ava breathed.

"Oh yes," I murmured in agreement and unlocked the handcuffs and threw them aside. I turned on my back, just laying there and soaking it all in. It was glorious.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm more than okay...I'm-I'm perfect," she rolled on top of me. Her head rested on my chest, her arms went around my torso, and her legs tangled with mine. I circled my arms around her.

We remained silent for a while and caught our breath.

"I'm sorry for calling you an asshole," she said suddenly, "I'm sorry, Nikolai. Forgive me?" Her eyes looked up at me with guilt-filled in her wide doe shaped eyes. I never stood a chance.

"Already forgiven." I kissed her forehead. "And thank you for saving our asses. I'm not sure if we would have come out of it unscathed or even alive."

"No one will touch you for as long as I have breath in my body, Nikolai." Her voice rang with promise.

"Right back at you, Love," I murmured.

"I also want to know the reason you punished Andrei. It doesn't make any sense to me." She sounded troubled.

"Authority comes with responsibility, Ava. They go hand in hand. Look at what happened here when Vermin had authority and no responsibility. We can't have that. I do not give authority to wolves who do not comprehend their responsibilities very well. To be a fair leader, I must punish all those who fail me. It does not matter that they are related to me." I took a hold of her hands.

"Will you punish me like that if I fail you too?" She asked in a small voice.

"No," I replied. "I will take your punishment."

"You'd take silver-tipped whips for me? You can do that?" I couldn't see her expression because she was tucked under my chin but I could imagine her shocked expression.

"It should not be news to you that I would go to the extremes for you, Ava. I would die for you. And yes, you can do that. Hurting a wolf hurts their mate too. Emotionally more than physically. I can't bear the thought of another whip touching this skin." The pad of my finger trailed down her arm and I saw goosebumps rise on it. "I can't let silver break and mare your skin for life."

"I don't want that to happen to you either. This scares me, Nikolai. I don't want to live in the fear of making mistakes and you getting hurt because of them. You are the Alpha, you can surely change the rules."

"I was the one to put it in place, Ava." I gripped her tiny waist and my thumb caressed the soft and tight skin of her stomach. "The wolves who fight for us put their lives at risk, for us. If they die because of your bad decisions, you surely deserve a couple of silver lashings. And if you are not prepared to have them, you aren't prepared to lead those wolves either."

"Oh." She simply placed a kiss in the middle of my chest. I know she wasn't satisfied with the answer but she understood.

We were silent for a while again before her fingers came up to draw random patterns on my pec. "You know, when we defeated Emilio, I was deliriously happy. When we got the pack and Papa back, when we started working to make it better, I felt like I finally was at peace with everything. And now that I killed him, I feel like I finally got my old self back. The little girl who was lost somewhere, who had to grow up too quickly is home again." Her voice was fierce and thick.

She placed a soft kiss over my heart. "I feel like all my nightmares and baggage are gone. And you are my home. I feel like I've come back home to you, without my issues. I love myself now. And I'm ready to build a new life with you. Without any fears and reservations. I'm all yours Nik. All of me. Only me."

My hold on her tightened. "Since the second I had you, that was all I wished for, Love."