Chapter 6 Chapter 6 SOMETHING’S ASKEW

SEGUN

One word: Chaotic.

That's how today has been.

I haven't even had time to eat lunch. Never mind lunch, I haven't even eaten breakfast today; this means I'm running seriously low on body fuel and my stomach has been making rumbling hunger noises ever since.

It doesn't help that I've had meetings all damn day! Head of HR is just a fancy name for slave of the department. I'm not in any mood to talk, let alone delegate nor get any work done.

The payroll system I installed and had been working for the past 3 years, had started acting up. By acting up, it suddenly started changing numbers, which means many staff salaries got mixed up, some lower than others while others didn't even get any salary payment assigned to them at all.

This was already two weeks into the following month and I've been working hellishly ever since to get it fixed. I set up the pay - roll, and not to brag, but I have a double degree in business administration and Human resources management and I've been doing this for the past seven years and counting, so I really don't understand what went wrong.

I'm expecting a team of other experts in pay - roll system tommorow. Let's put our heads together to see what the problem is. Could it be a glitch? My stomach rumbles noisily yet again, but I ignore it.

The staff need money to feed their families, they need money to pay their children's school fees as it's the beginning of a new term and also a new year. They also need to plan with money, they need to exist with money. Thinking about these things bring up the beginnings of a headache.

I take out my flask of hennessy that I normally keep in my office drawer for such a time as this. I shake it and nothing, not even a whoosh of sound - it's empty. Are you for real? Sighing, I get up and with my hands on my waist, stretch languidly and a bone pops into place. Ah! That's better!

It's been what, a few days since I've done some hard core exercises and my body is craving for it. I walk slowly out of my office, needing to take a walk. I've been sitting down all day and my legs are stiff and getting cramps.

I walk past my PA's office and she peeps out, giving me a smile. "Tough day?"

"You know it," I reply, without even pausing for a second. I keep walking towards the cafeteria.

"Can I get you something to eat?" I look back and see her trailing after me. She looks like a lost puppy trailing it's owner.

"Um... Let it be Anita, I'm just going to the cafeteria to get some toast and a cup of coffee."

"I can do that for you, please." She's in front of me now, a pleading look on her face.

Anita won't let me be. I know she wants me, but I can't have anything to do with her. She keeps telling me, in not so many words, rather she shows me with her smiles and body, but I don't, I won't ever mix business with pleasure, ever again.

Once bitten, forever shy!

Once, she'd leaned over my desk and her whole boobs popped out unto the table. I was exceedingly embarrassed for her, yet all she did was smile at me. That was sexual harassment at it's worst!

She's still looking at me, hope - a shining beacon in her eyes.

I've got to right this now, once and for all. I've given her too many chances to quit her sordid behaviour, yet she never lets up.

"Look at me, Anita," I put some distance between us but she moves closer, a stupid smile on her face.

"You're fired!" And I walk off briskly, leaving her staring at my retreating back.

Gotta get a new personal assistant post - haste, a male one this time!

I walk to my colleague's office. I don't bother knocking, instead I saunter in and plop into his cushioned chair.

He's bent over some files, but when he sees me, he straightens up in his chair and smiles. "That bad, huh?"

I grunt in response. He shakes his head, opens his drawer and brings out an unopened bottle of scotch. A smile lights up my whole face when I see it.

"Think you're the only one with a dirty secret?" He throws it to me and I catch it mid - air. Drinking isn't good on an empty stomach, but this time is an exception to the rule.

I take a swig straight from the bottle and stare dully at his desk, deep in thought.

I just fired my personal assistant in the middle of a work crisis and she knows all the company secrets - she could easily sell us out to our competitors. She's been working with me, ever since I became the head HR. I was probably too hasty in firing her, but what other choice did I have. I can't continue to put up with her shenanigans. I still don't know what caused this glitch in the pay - roll system. Something keeps niggling at the back of my mind but it keeps slipping away, undiscovered.

"A penny for your thoughts." He snaps his fingers at me.

"I just fired Anita." I say this without lifting my head up.

"Say what?" He shoots up from his chair so fast, it continues spinning on it's own.

When I look up, his face is pale and he's staring at me open mouthed, like I just grew a horn.

Close your mouth bro, a fly might get in.

"What did you just say?" He's still staring at me, open mouthed.

"The fuck, man, relax! I had good reason to do so." He's making me antsy and I don't like that.

He slumps into his chair, looking defeated. Then it hits me and I start laughing.

"Hahaha! Don't tell me you've got the hots for her?" I continue laughing while he keeps brooding.

When I get my belly laugh out of the way, I feel much better. I'm finally able to look at him but I'm taken aback by the scorn in his eyes.

"How could you fire her? I love that girl," he echoes dully.

I sigh deeply.

"Listen, I'm sorry, but she kept coming unto me big time, and I just didn't know how to deal with it and. . . "

"YOU LIE!" He shoots up from his chair once again. "Anita wouldn't do that, she's a well - brought up girl from a decent home. She's not like the girls you normally mess around with."

I feel anger uncoiling inside me. He's a good friend of mine and I don't want that to change, so I stand up.

"I'm not having this conversation with you anymore, Bode, I'm going to get something to eat. I'm very sure by the time I get back, you'd have been much calmer." And I turn around and start walking off.

"You slept with her, didn't you?" His quiet statement stops me in my tracks. "You slept with her and that's why you had to get rid of her so the MD wouldn't find out."

I turn around slowly, confusion written all over my face.

"You really think I slept with her, Bode? You think so little of me?"

"Oh come off it, Segun, I know you. I've covered for you many times. Remember what happened with those two girls, what are their names again? Aha!" He snaps his fingers in triumph. "Feyi and Tola."

It's my turn to stare open mouthed, at him. How could he go there? That was a trying period in my life, how could he resort to such cheap jabs?

"You know the company rules against dating amongst staff, but not only did you date them, you slept with the two of them." He finishes, oblivious of the emotional dilemma I'm going through.

"You don't know what you're saying," I try but fail to keep the edge our of my voice. "I better leave before I say something I'll regret."

"Yes, you walk off, run away like the coward you are." His last parting shot hits my ears like hot oil on fresh skin and I wince like I've been burnt.

I quicken my steps as I walk down the corridor. I've suddenly lost my appetite, so instead of going to the cafeteria like I'd initially planned, I make a beeline for my office. There I shrug on my jacket, pick up my car keys and walk off. I pass Anita in her office, packing up her things into a cardboard. She tries to catch my eye, but I walk off briskly. I'm not brooking any more advances from her.

What Bode said stung me to my bone marrow. What happened three years ago, wasn't my fault. I can't help it if women find me attractive.

Feyi was a terrible flirt! She had just been hired as an intern to do her NYSC for 1 year and immediately she set eyes on me, that was it.

And what do you do when a woman throws herself at you, rule or no rule, you smash that thing, right?!

Yeah, well, that's what I did.

Big mistake I made though! She became super clingy, thinking we were in a relationship and I don't do relationships, like, at all. Tried it once and almost got my heart broken into fragments. Not ready to walk around with a log stuck in my heart all day.

Feyi threatened to spill the situation we had to the management but I ignored her and she'd come to my office every morning, crying and making a fuss. You know what I did? I reported her for sexual harassment and her ass was fired on the spot. Thankfully, a few people had witnessed her overtures towards me, so it was very easy.

Good riddance!!!

Then came along Tola, this time, my personal assistant and she was so fine. I initially flirted with her, but it was just harmless and you know what she did? She offered herself to me, right there in my office.

Who was I to say no!?

That was an even bigger mess, and Bode had to cover up for me, more like trump up some incriminating evidence against her. Her ass was also fired. Now he has the stupid idea that he's in love with a hussy like Anita.

Well-brought up girl my black ass! She's so well brought up that she had cupped my goods one time in my office. It had taken all the strength in me not to bend her over there and then and take her.

Do women even think sometimes?

Why throw yourself at a man if he doesn't have the hots for you?

We men like the chase, it's who we are - it's in our blood. That's what we're supposed to do, otherwise you'll just get called a hoe if the roles are reversed. Sheesh!!

If you like a man, subtly show him by smiling and all that coy shit women put up, but don't ever make the mistake of coming unto him.

My mind flashes straight to Eve.

Now that's one woman I'd love to lay it on thick. I smile as I get into my car, office woes already forgotten.

I don't realise where I'm driving to until I get to the front of her house. It's a moderate - looking house - 4 or 5 bedrooms, tops! I don't switch off the car engine, I only put the gear in park and pull back my seat and recline.

Before I know it, I'm asleep.

EVE

I'm so damn tired as I drive home. I just finished the first batch of training at Deuce Manufacturing and I had to weasel my way out of dinner with Mr. Faseun, yet again. I took a rain check till Friday night - That would be a free day for me.

Right now all I need is food and my bed. I have another early day tommorow morning with a fresh round of trainings and I wouldn't finish until a month's time. I'm not complaining though, the sudden rise in my bank account is a pleasant distraction.

I finally drive into my street, but as I get close, I see a familiar - looking car idling in front of the house. As I get closer, I notice the engine is still on but there's no one inside. That's odd! Mum and dad wouldn't have been back by now and so what visitor could this be waiting for them?

I park into the drive way and swing my tired feet unto the pavement, my heels making a click - clack noise as they hit the ground. As I walk towards the car, it becomes more and more familiar to me, and that's when I see Batman snuggled up in the front seat, sleeping peacefully, mouth slightly open.

But... What on earth is he doing here? And in front of my house at that? I knock gently on the wound-up window but he's obviously deep in dream land, because he doesn't even budge. I don't have time for this though, I'm super tired and hungry and I need some serious rest.

I rap harder on the window with my knuckles, a frown already forming on my forehead.

Finally, he opens one eye lazily and squints at me. A slow smile lights up his handsome face and I feel the frown dissolving from mine. He sits up, winds down the window and puts one hand on it.

"What's up, princess?" His voice is naturally deep, but now it's gone an octave deeper.

Whew!

I feel warmth infuse every part of my body, suddenly heating me up.

When I speak, I don't recognise my own voice. "What are you doing here?"

He opens the door and I move back to let him come out. I'm beginning to think there's nothing that won't fit him, even if he wears rags.

How many men can pull off a white trouser suit?

Definitely Batman takes the lead.

He doesn't answer, just appraises me from my black kitten heels to my knee - length white bandage dress and up to the black jacket that's hiding most of my body. He lifts an eye brow at the long, straight wig on my head but doesn't say anything.

Then slowly he does it again, this time from my face, right down to my legs and he lingers there. Then he releases a slow smile.

"Got any food at home?" I lift an enquiring brow at him but he just shrugs and gives me a rueful smile. "Please."

I shake my head and walk back to my car. I open the door and bend to get my hand bag and laptop from the back seat.

That's when I hear him whistling.

"Oh man, that view is real something."

"What view?" I'm struggling to balance the stuff in my hands as I straighten.

"Your house, what else," he shrugs. I look at him suspiciously, but say nothing. Once I open the front door of the house with my own key, I invite him in.

"Cute place you've got here."

I see him taking everything in. The medium-sized sitting room with two leather setee's and other single chairs. The mismatched sidetables that mom says adds flair to the décor, the large flat screen TV on the wall, the ugly vases with blooming flowers inside them which dad brought from China that he insists brings good luck.

The many family pictures on the mantle piece of my siblings and I in different stages of our growth. I try to see it all from a stranger's eyes but I fail. It's all too familiar to me and I'm way too hungry for this. Instead I reply. "Well I live with my parents."

"I figured," comes his reply, but it's a bit distant. I swing around, only to catch his retreating back, already walking towards the kitchen.

I walk after him, wondering why he's so familiar. "Whoa! Hold up. Where are you going? Aren't you even scared you might encounter my parents?"

He's already raiding through the fridge when I step inside the kitchen. Without turning to me, he begins talking and bringing stuff out from it. "I know for a fact your parents aren't home. How, you ask? No car except yours is in the drive way, so I'm safe - at least for now. Now can we please stop talking and let me do some cooking."

He wants to cook? Hmm! This would be a sight to behold.

He ignores me completely and rifles through the cupboard, bringing out a packet of spaghetti. Some tomatoes and onions are already on the draining board. He gets out the chopping board and begins to cut them up, while I stand watching him.

I decide it makes sense to get out of these clothes, so I rush upstairs to change while he cooks.

I got a call from mum in the middle of a training today and was told the sad news; my uncle passed away and my parents had to travel to our home town in Ogun state this morning for some meetings and arrangements of his burial, so I'm home alone for three days.

But Batman doesn't have to know that.

Instead of just changing into something else, I decide to take a shower. Normally my shower time takes about thirty minutes but I have to hurry it up because of Batman.

I start with my nappy hair, washing it with my favourite strawberry wash. When I'm done, I concentrate on my whole body. All this takes twenty mins tops.

By the time I'm done, I feel much better. I slip into my favourite flannel pj's and I sincerely wish I could just jump into bed, sadly I've got an uninvited visitor downstairs.

As I open my bedroom door, the smell that hits my nostrils is wow. I quicken my steps down the stairs, only to see Batman sitting at the dining table, already digging into a big plate of spaghetti.

"Where does all the food you eat, go? I can't even eat half of that."

He lifts his brows and pauses a bit to appraise me. He gives me the once over and indicates with one finger up for him to finish the food in his mouth. When he's done swallowing, he waves me to the seat beside him.

My eyes land on another equally large plate of spaghetti. "For you. Go on, start eating," and he goes back to his plate and continues wolfing it down. Clearly, this man doesn't play with his food.

I take a seat beside him, but the sight of so much food begins to nauseate me, so I just stare at it instead.

He glances up from his food. "Too much?" I nod in answer. "Here, let me help you," and he takes my plate and dumps half of it into his."

I dig in thereafter and the taste, oh the taste is divine, I can't help but moan. "This is. . . "

"I know, thank you," he mutters in between mouthfuls of food.

I shake my head and continue eating. When I'm done, I'm quite uncomfortable, because I've eaten more than enough. I get up, take his plate and mine and wash them. I'm really tired on my feet and stifle a yawn as I walk back to the sitting room.

Batman is there, standing up, car key in hand. "Well then, princess, thanks for feeding me, but gotta hit the sack now. Body no be firewood," he intones.

I stifle another yawn, I'm dead tired on my feet. "Thanks for cooking, it was. . . "

"I know," and once again, he doesn't allow me finish my words.

Pride goes before a fall, mister.

He flashes me a smile as I walk him to the front door. "Goodbye, princess." He takes some steps forward, but as I'm about to close the door, he suddenly turns round and walks back to me.

His musky smell assails my nostrils as he leans in closer. I notice his eyes dimming as they fall to my lips. Anticipating a kiss, I close my eyes and lean closer, instead something strange happens.

His lips land on my forehead and lingers. Few seconds in, it's over and I feel the loss of his presence too soon.

I open my eyes, close my mouth that I'd unknowingly opened, and watch as he flashes me a smile before waltzing off with a bounce in his steps.

I make it to my bedroom, barely, but just when I'm about to drift off, I smile to myself when I remember what a forehead kiss connotes; affection and devotion.