Hope

Killian was reading something in a magazine when eating and my traitorous eyes continued to steal glances at him, willfully taking note of the look of disgust plastered on his face.

It had been a few days since the incident happened and I felt a lot better. Well, except for the dizzy spells here and there, but the doctor assured me that it would wear off soon.

It was a very big eye-opener for both Killian and me; realizing we could lose what we had at any moment.

Over these past days of the incident, he'd been particularly vigilant to my needs, asshole standpoint aside, he oddly cared for me; from making sure I ate on time, to placing me on bed parole, to even offering me a belly massage when I complained of abdominal cramps.

It was selfish of me but at some point, I had wished this would last. I'd wished I could get more, more than just his genuine care for his baby. I think it hurt most knowing that he'd never feel that way about me. He had made it clear on several accounts that he did not love me and most likely never would. And I didn't love him too, I was sure I didn't. He was a hard man to be with but yet—

"If you keep staring at me, I'm going to have a hole in my forehead." His words startled me, bringing me back to my senses.

My eyes immediately fell to my plate of food and I cleared my throat. "Just curious as to what you are reading."

"It's an article." He made a disgusted sound. "An old friend of mine is getting married."

"If he's your friend don't you think you should try to be a little bit happy for him instead of looking like, well what you look like right now."

He looked up at me from the magazine and cocked an incredulous brow. "Why?"

"Because he found love, I mean he's getting married so he must love her."

"Love?" He laughed mockingly. "I beg to differ."

"Love exists, Killian."

He regarded me smugly. "Says the woman who said she'd given up on it."

I rolled my eyes. "I know what I said and I realized I was wrong. I mean, haven't you ever thought how it'd be to care for someone, grow old with someone?"

He shrugged. "Men don't want to grow old, that's why we keep seeking younger women."

I gave an unladylike snort. "Well I beg to differ, there are men out there who want to settle with one woman, you could be one of them too if you lower your asshole shield to the ground."

He sent me a pointed look. "Stop trying to win me over or romanticize me, Hope. I will not have my hand forced by you or anyone else. I've told you this before. Love doesn't exist for men like me."

"So what exactly do you look for in a woman?"

"Pleasure. Nothing long-term. It's better than love any day."

Coldness seeped through me. "Is that what you think?"

He gave a suffering sigh. "I'm not a hearts and flowers type of guy. The only thing I can offer a woman is my body and unlimited access to my wealth. The only thing I expect in return is primal satisfaction and a good old handshake when we're done. No complications. No feelings. No attachments of whatsoever."

I didn't know why but his words shot a bullet straight to my chest and it hurt to think he was repeating the whole cycle with me. He'd use me, dump me, and move on.

"Well," I croaked, clearing my throat. "I can't be with a man who doesn't see beyond just casual sex."

That remark rewarded me with a chilling look. "If that is supposed to be a warning or a threat, you are directing it to the wrong guy."

"I'm just saying." I shrugged. "It's unhealthy, mentally exhausting, and toxic just having sex with someone you're not in a relationship with."

"Is that what you think?" All traces of humor left his face, replaced with this darkness that instantly made me regret speaking at all. "That what we have is toxic and unhealthy?"

I picked a piece of meat and chomped down on it, ignoring his question.

"I never saw having sex with you as toxic or unhealthy," he continued. "But you don't have to worry, once the terms of our agreement are met, you can run along into the sunset with your supposed love."

I frowned. "Oh, there will be a supposed love."

An equal frown etched on his face. "Well then, I hope he can live with the fact that I share a child with his woman and have fucked her countless times."

I slapped my fork on the table and glared at him. "Do you have to be this horrible with your words?"

He leaned back in his chair, his lips tightening with what I figured was annoyance. "What? Did you expect me to say I'll come chasing after you?"

For some reason my irritation spiked. "Why would you? It's not like you're in love with me." I droned.

"Wouldn't matter even if I were. You'd leave anyway so you can just keep walking right out the door because I won't stop you."

I huffed. "At this point, I don't blame your ex for leaving you."

He looked puzzled by the statement, but that shock quickly morphed into something dark. "Don't talk about what you don't know."

I sighed dramatically and picked another piece of meat. "What's there to know, you rushed her away with your asshole demeanor." I looked up at him. "Didn't you?"

He shot me a warning glare. "Stop prying into unreasonable things and eat."

"Since you are my baby's father, I don't think it's prying."

"Your curiosity is the least of problems right now and being the mother of my child doesn't give you a one-way ticket into psyche evaluating me."

I sighed and narrowed my eyes. "God, you're so stuck up and impossible."

"You're learning." He deadpanned, snaking his glass of wine before pulling it to his lips. His gesture drew my eyes to his bruised knuckles.

"You never told me how you sustained that." I nodded towards it. "The bruises on your knuckle."

"It's not important."

"I still want to know."

"Do you have to be so pesky?" He scowled at me.

"You're acting like a baby. Just say it already."

He stared down at me. "Well, if you must know, when the nurses wouldn't tell me anything about your condition, I got frustrated and punched a wall."

"You don't have to lie if you don't want to tell me." I drawled, rolling my eyes to the side tiredly.

He leveled me with a flat look. "I have no reasons to lie to you."

"So you mean to tell me you got that upset at the thought of losing your child?"

"Yes."

"Wait." I blinked. "You're being honest right now?"

"Apparently, you've already painted me the picture of a horrible monster in your head and do not believe I am capable of any level of emotion, so why should I bother answering?"

My lips pursed together. "Do you honestly blame me? You're not exactly the easy-going guy."

"I am what I am. I live by my own codes and I don't intend to change that for anyone."

"You will, one day. For your child at least."

"Well, until that day comes, you'll just have to put up with me the way I am. And I might not be the man you want me to be but don't ever question my love for my child."

"A child you didn't want," I mumbled.

"Yes, I know I didn't want it but I want it now so deal with it." He pulled the napkin away from his lap and slapped it harshly on the table before getting up.

"Hey, where are you going?" I asked but he just kept on walking.

"Killian?"

He ignored me and disappeared behind the blinds.

I huffed, blowing out a strand of hair from my face. "Fine, stay angry. I don't care!"

Despite traveling in the cradle of luxury, we arrived back in San Francisco a little late and I had to admit, the loud traffic and pungent smell of car exhaust did bring back the homely feel.

Killian took the wheel shortly after and we exited the airport, driving for several miles in a low-slung sports car to where I presumed was his house.

We ignored each other. I focused on reading through my pregnancy catalogs while he switched on the sound system, filling the car's interior with music.

It didn't take long to enter the built-up area of the city. An hour of silent torture later, he pulled up into a modern building.

He drove his car into the garage and without a word, he climbed out of the car, walking with easy grace towards the back door, not bothering to check if I was following behind.

Eventually, I got out and padded along. He opened a set of double doors and we continued across a wide corridor until we made it to the main living area which was mind-blowing.

"My helper is off duty and will resume within the next week." Killian finally spoke to me, shrugging off his jacket and placing it on top of one of the off-white couches. "Our bags arrive tomorrow morning due to cargo delay." He continued, moving up towards the curved stairway and began to climb.

I followed attentively behind him, taking notes in my head so I didn't miss my way.

"I'll make provisions to have your room prepared for you. In the meantime, you'll sleep in my room."

He opened the door and as we walked in I was mesmerized.

"If there's anything you need, let me know, I'll be in my study." He was about to walk out of the door when I called out his name.

"Wait, I have nothing to wear tonight."

He gave me a look. "You can wear whatever suits your taste in my dresser, just not the ones with diamond studs."

I simply nodded and for a second, he looked like he was about to say something else but changed his mind and walked out of the living room, leaving me standing in the middle of his huge room with a million thoughts running through my head; one of them being how the fuck we were supposed to live without eating each other alive.