FORTY ONE

Ryder

I did try.

I had no idea whether or not that made a difference, but if I ever had to explain this to Samantha, I could say that I had tried my very best to explain it. But despite everything I did, nothing came of it. The genie refused to go back into the bottle no matter how hard we tried. I was standing below her and looked up at her. During the night, I draped a plush blanket over us both, but it only covered her bare body halfway. She was pressed up against me, and her hair draped over the arm that I had wrapped around her. I felt as though one of her arms was encircling my chest. She ended up falling asleep on my shoulder. I was able to detect her delicate breaths flitting across my clavicle like butterflies. Her leg was draped over mine, golden against my paler skin. The length of her body wrapped around mine was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, so I pulled the blanket up higher to cover us both.

She came to when she moved. I could feel her eyelashes fluttering open before she raised her head to blink sleepily at me. She greeted the morning with a soft "Good morning."

I said, "Good morning."

Just the two of us staring at each other as her eyes went from being drowsy to having a trace of concern in them was enough. "Remember what you just said?"

I nodded slowly.

She inquired, "You're not attempting to get it back, are you?"

I moved my head from side to side. "No, I'm not trying to take what I said back in any way. But–”

"Buts not." After a moment, Lexie rested her head on my shoulder once more. Her arms and legs encircled my body while she was holding me.

"I have no intention of going anywhere."

After some time had passed, I gave Laura a call to let her know that Lexie would not be coming after all.

"You're in trouble, old pal," Laura said.

After telling her, "You don't know half of it," I hung up the phone with her.

After that evening, we decided to start devoting all of our spare time to being with one another. I always imagined that it would become tedious. I would get bored. There is nothing that we could possibly discuss in that situation. The age difference between us would widen until we couldn't remember for the life of us what in the hell had brought us together in the first place. The age gap between us would grow like a canyon.

That, however, did not take place at any point.

Even though I enjoyed teaching Lexie everything I knew about sexuality, it wasn't all about that aspect of the relationship. She had a vast amount of knowledge. Mature. I had the impression that we were very dissimilar, but that was not the case. In spite of the fact that she did not have to mature as rapidly as I did or be responsible for a child at the same time, she still had to put in more hours of work than the majority of her classmates in order to pay for college. It caused her to have the same feelings toward her friends, including the ones she liked the most.

However, Samantha was never brought up in a direct manner. Don't say that. Even when the topic of having children came up when there was no reason for it. I was unable to recall the circumstances surrounding its occurrence in the past. Lexie had been discussing her plans for after she graduated from law school regarding the location of her future home. After her trip to Los Angeles, she was having second thoughts about settling down in a major metropolitan area. She had no intention of starting a family in that location.

I stiffened. About the future, we have never before discussed it in this manner. Both of us were lying on our backs in the bed, with her head resting on my thigh and mine supported by the pillows. I had been running my hand through her hair, but I've decided to stop doing that for now.

She was facing me when she turned around to look at me. "Could you even fathom having more children than you already do?"

I didn't intend to, but I shook my shoulders out of reflex. My life would have been much simpler if I could have just said "hell no," but the reality was that I was in the dark about the situation. Maybe.

However, I was unable to share that information with Lexie because doing so would have taken the two of us in a direction that neither of us was prepared to travel. I finally told her, "I used to wonder what it would be like if I'd met the right person and had a child at the right time." "I used to wonder what it would be like if I'd had a child at the right time," I said. You should know that when I was a kid I wasn't at all like that. If I hadn't been required to put in as much effort, I might have been able to enjoy myself more. After that, I made a pivotal change.

Lexie and I only ever lived in the present moment; we never looked further ahead than these fleeting glimpses. We lived in our very own little world. After leaving the office, we proceeded directly to my residence. As long as I could touch her whenever I wanted, however I wanted, without worrying that someone from The Willliams Agency would see us, we didn't care that we spent all of our time in a box that was 2,000 square feet and perched on top of the clouds. That was all that mattered to us. We ordered takeout from a variety of restaurants located throughout the city. I not only educated her on the various sex positions, but I also introduced her to some of the most delicious cuisine the city had to offer at the same time. In her mind, a satisfying meal could be found at TGIFridays. I was determined to find a different solution to that problem.

She laughed and said, "I don't want to get used to Sushi Zo," on a particular evening. "Because I know that there will come a time when I go back to TGIFridays and I won't be able to enjoy it."

I congratulated her and handed her some chopsticks. "Don't act in that manner." But despite the fact that we were both still smiling, something had shifted in the dynamic between us. Lexie had discussed the future, which was something that we actively avoided doing as much as possible.

As far as I was aware, Lexie had not discussed us with anyone else. Only those who were close to me were aware of us. They at first thought that it was some kind of joke. When I cut the happy hour short to get back to her, I noticed that they were looking increasingly worried at each other before I left.

Andrew said it with as much care as he could muster, which, considering he was a crisis manager, wasn't all that much care. "It's getting pretty serious between you two," he said. I had a hard time suppressing my irritation at him despite the fact that I totally understood what he was getting at.

Is it true that you can now get sex and takeout? I inquired with a smirk that turned out to be ineffective. I was trying to persuade someone, even if it was just myself, that my relationship with Lexie was not getting as serious as he seemed to think it was getting at the time. Even if it was just myself.

There were four distinct types of skeptical looks that were directed in my direction. My friends were able to see right through me at all times, and it brought them great joy to correct me whenever they caught me in a lie. The vast majority of the time, I found it enjoyable, and I frequently returned the favor with the same sadistic delight. However, that grin of mine has transformed into the frown I've been working so hard to suppress today.

"Get away from this place!" I remarked as I put in my request for the check.

"Are you interested in my opinion?" Andrew asked.

Even though I was aware that it was a rhetorical question, I still answered it. "Hell no."

He continued, "You need to be honest," as though he hadn't heard me the first time. His expression was one of unusual solemnity. He was no longer speaking to me in the capacity of my friend; rather, he was attempting to avert a crisis. On the other hand, there was not going to be any. Lexie and I were far too cautious for something like that. In the office, we hardly exchanged a glance with one another. The timing of our arrivals and departures was staggered. We were so careful that it bordered on being ridiculous because we were well aware that we couldn't take the chance of anyone from The Willliams Agency spotting us. When we were finally left alone with one another, all of the restraint that we had been forced to show throughout the day exploded. At this very moment, she was by herself in my apartment, and I was unable to leave. I once more caught the eye of the server, and this time I frowned to indicate that I was all set to leave at this point.

Andrew continued to speak, his tone of voice remaining subdued and intent. "Ryder, you are putting yourself in danger by doing that. This situation is going to backfire on you in a big way. No matter how cautious you are, it will not help. Do you seriously believe that I have no idea what I'm talking about? I make my living by making other people's mistakes backfire and blowing up in their faces. People who are a tremendous amount more intelligent than you."

When I thought back to his client who was constantly swinging his barstool, I found it hard to believe that they were significantly more intelligent.

I thanked her for the recommendation and handed over my credit card without so much as casting an eye on the total amount charged.

Andrew took a quick glance at my appearance before returning to his seat at the bar. After handing in his resignation, he said, "I'll invoice you."

I made extreme caution a priority for the following week at work. If I became even more paranoid, Lexie made a joke that we would have to start disguising ourselves even when we were in the apartment. She did so with a chuckle, but just before she busied herself with opening the bottle of wine, I noticed a momentary flash of suspicion in her eyes.

“Hey,” I grabbed her by the waist and yanked her in the opposite direction. "Look at me."

She didn't want to, but against her better judgment, she turned her face toward mine. I looked into her eyes and tried to decipher what she was thinking. Was there some degree of pain mixed in with your wariness? "What's the matter?"

Lexie made several attempts to avert her gaze, but I wouldn't let her. "Talk to me, Lexie," I demanded, my tone becoming more demanding as the knot in my stomach grew tighter. She was losing her patience with all of this nonsense, just as I had predicted she would. She was recalling the fact that there was a city teeming with men who wouldn't have to confine her to the penthouses of their mansions in order to spend time with her. It's possible that she is even thinking about that jerk Devon, who has the good looks of a country boy. I had to come up with a justification to fire him.

"I'm just–" she bit her lip.

I braced myself, aware that my brain was already working to mitigate the damage. This would be a miserable experience, but in the end, it was beneficial. Necessary. Andrew was absolutely correct. I had been fooling around with fire, and the match was getting very low on fuel. Both of us are going to set ourselves on fire if we continue in this manner.

Lexie exploded and exclaimed, "—tired of feeling like your dirty little secret!" "I love," she said, putting a lot of emphasis on the final word.

Now, however, I felt a different kind of contraction in my stomach. If she were to say it, things would shift between the two of us. They would be required to. She would be going against the unspoken rules of whatever it was that we had established between us. Instead of interrupting her or finding a way to shift the conversation's focus, I chose to wait until she had finished speaking. Did I want her to make that statement? It was completely and utterly incomprehensible. If she did that, I would have no choice but to release her. Wouldn't I want to?

Lexie redirected the conversation by saying, "I love being with you," and her eyes briefly wandered away from mine before returning to rest sincerely on mine. "I just wish it didn't have to be something we hid," she said as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

I drew her closer to me, experiencing a sense of both relief and something I couldn't quite put my finger on at the same time. That was the last thing I wanted her to say, in fact. I hadn't.

So why did I walk away from a negotiation in which I had not prevailed feeling the same way? Where did that nagging feeling come from that I'd forgotten something on the table? What was it? Aside from when we were having sex together, she was a beautiful woman who was a lot of fun to be with, and what's even better is that she had an expiration date.

Therefore, what the heck am I doing wrong?