FORTY FIVE

Ryder

For a very long time, it appeared to those who were looking in from the outside that I was the very best person in the entire world. I had accomplished everything I had planned to do when I was a scared-shitless nineteen-year-old kid who thought he only had one chance to make a life for himself and his baby daughter. I had believed that I only had one chance to provide a good life for my daughter. My name has always been associated with achievement. It gave people I cared about the opportunity to demonstrate what they were capable of doing. My youngest child was almost finished with college and would soon be able to succeed at anything she set her mind to. I had so much money that I didn't know what to do with it, and I had so many houses that I didn't know where to put myself. Even real friends, which were even more difficult to come by in this town than success, were on my side. In point of fact, they only cohabitated on occasion. I was aware that I should be confident because I had many reasons to be, but there was a small part of me that always had the impression that I was just putting on a show. The slick, successful upstart with the $5,000 suit, $35,000 smile, and everything else that was meant to hide what was actually going on underneath. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking that everything was a big hoax. A game that can be played for a very long time. Despite the fact that I had everything, I constantly had the impression that I was lacking something. I never had a good understanding of what it was. I speculated that it was due to the fact that I was unsure. I reassured myself that it would go away once I reached a certain financial goal and accumulated a certain number of Oscar winners on my team. when Samantha had finally emerged victorious from those trying years spent in middle school. when she had finished those sneaky and secretive years in high school and was done with them.

At each new milestone, I awaited the sensation to pass so that I could move on.

Never happened.

I was at our favorite rooftop bar thinking about it while I was waiting for my friends to join me there. attempted to locate it As soon as I realized that it was gone, I was hit by a surge of electricity that traveled throughout my entire body. The nagging discomfort, the hazy sense of helplessness that accompanied it, and the rekindled motivation to push myself further. It was as if nothing had happened. Instead, I felt…

While I was trying to figure out what it was, I made a sad face at myself.

Relaxed?

However, that wasn't the case at all. As I concentrated on understanding how it felt, the creases in my forehead became more pronounced, and the width of my frown increased.

Calm?

As he sat down on the bar stool next to mine, Lyndon remarked, "You look mad."

I scowled and said, "No, I'm not," as a response.

"Is he putting on a show?" Andrew wondered.

Both Michael and Julian could be heard laughing out loud. They started speculating about which role I could possibly be auditioning for. I overheard some conversations where people were discussing Heathcliff and Dracula.

"I don't know what that is, but it sure looks like an angry face to me." Lyndon asked.

When the thought of the word suddenly occurred to me, I said, "Peace."

That's exactly what I was thinking. To hell with peace. As if I had just finished an hour and a half of hot yoga, an ayahuasca ceremony, tree bathing, or some other new-age nonsense that is supposed to bring peace in today's society.

"If that's how you look when you're calm, I'd hate to see you angry," Andrew said, raising his eyebrows in surprise. "If that's how you look when you're calm, I'd hate to see you angry."

I did not make any other attempts to explain anything. They lacked comprehension of the situation. They had no romantic feelings for one another. The idea that I loved Lexie presented itself to me in its finished form before my mind had a chance to tease it out by its individual strands. I was able to make out her heart-shaped face and ocean-blue eyes, and the pristine beauty of a young woman who had recently completed her studies at a university leapt out at me in glorious Technicolor.

Fuck. I did love her a great deal at the time.

I continued to sip my beer and think about Lexie as they carried on a conversation around me and then back and forth between the two of them. The more I thought about her, the more I felt my feelings for her growing. I was able to tell lies by omitting certain details, but I was unable to deceive myself. My thoughts, for some strange reason, had come to the conclusion that Lexie was the component that was missing. None of the intelligent and accomplished women I'd dated over the course of my life. Not even one of the sophisticated ladies I was occasionally set up with. The Willliams Agency did not sign any of the actresses who had previously made it clear what they were willing to do in order to be represented by the agency.

Someone who was my daughter's best friend and was 23 years old.

If I hadn't been feeling so damn calm, I probably would have groaned at the situation. When it came to this particular issue, the universe had really outdone itself. This was the worst possible thing that could have taken place to a man in the course of his life.

I didn't want another pint of beer, so when the bartender asked if I wanted one, I waved my empty glass away and shook my head. I needed to be able to think straight in order to figure out what the devil I was going to do, and I needed to be able to do so quickly.

How I was going to get out of this situation without tarnishing my reputation, turning my daughter against me, and generally messing up my life was a question I needed an answer to.

I was unable to carry on. I pondered the events that would take place after this one. Telling her. Trying to come to terms with any and all of the emotions she threw at me. Any one of them could be considered equitable. When I considered the fact that she had never had a romantic relationship with a man before we met, it gave me the creeps. And what transpired in the aftermath of the storm, after she had already moved on?

At that point, I was completely incapable of imagining what would take place after that. My thoughts wouldn't let me see anything else beyond the slate gray wall. When I was nineteen years old, I devised a strategy for the next twenty years of my life.

Because I was so frustrated, I decided to try out another play. What if we just made a fool of ourselves and tried our luck? Everyone was aware of it. Made it public. I would look for another job for her, perhaps at a law firm that specializes in entertainment law. But what if I took her to the next big premiere? If we were caught, it would look shady as hell, but what if I took her there? It appeared as though only a few mouths were moving, but that was about it. A few witty comments and possibly a few nasty blind items on Perez Hilton, with comments from people from Brand Development who are only minimally disguised as anonymous sources.

That is a reasonable possibility.

After that, Samantha came into the picture.

My heart sank and the peace vanished when I considered the expression that would appear on my daughter's face when she learned that I was having sexual relations with her best friend. Because it's possible that that's the only thing she noticed, despite how hard I worked to make it look better.

I was put in the position of having to choose between the two people in the world about whom I cared the most, and Lexie wasn't someone who deserved to be as important to me as Samantha was. I gritted my teeth and focused on convincing myself that my daughter was more important to me than Lexie was at that moment.

She was not worthy of my love, however.

"Have you regained your composure yet again?" Andrew paused in the middle of his question to look at me with an expression that he was pretending to be concerned about.

"Yes," I mumbled in response.

When they started laughing, I knew it was time for me to go. When I got back to my apartment, where I was able to think more clearly, I was able to figure it out.

One of the many reasons why inanimate objects like plants are superior to living beings is that they have never irritated me with their stupid questions or remarks.

I smiled and nodded my head in greeting to the PI who had just returned. He was sitting at the bar with a glass of water and a second lemon, which he was squeezing into the water as it was being served to him. The moment he recognized me, he turned his head to make the universal sign for "come here."

I halted what I was doing and looked around because I was certain he was having a conversation with someone else. This is not how we played this game at all. However, at this point, he was wiping the lemon juice off of his fingers with a cocktail napkin before holding up his hand for emphasis. He gave the impression of a combination of a gangster beckoning over an underling and a student only half-heartedly raising his hand to answer a question. He looked like a cross between the two.

I went over there while concealing the level of surprise that I was feeling. It was highly likely that he was going to ask me to buy him another drink or possibly assist him in avoiding some of the parking tickets that I was aware he was receiving. I came to the conclusion that I knew too much about him. The holiday party hosted by The Williams Agency is probably something the son of a whore would anticipate being invited to attend.

When I got really close to him, he resembled a basset hound. He had sunken eyes, a long face, and hollow eye sockets, which gave the appearance that his cheeks were sagging down. His face was also long. Despite this, he was pleasant and a little reserved. Once more, I was interested in learning what he expected to receive from me in return.

He greeted his boss with "Hey, boss."

It occurred to me that I had never before heard his voice. His voice was gravelly and low, as if he'd been chewing rocks for the past few years. However, it is clear from the look on his face that he is friendly.

"Huh, I'm the one in charge here." I positioned my foot so that it was next to him on the stool. I was confused as to why I had chosen to take a seat. If he had asked for something from me, I would have politely declined and then started walking away. But he hadn't asked, and he was looking at me with those sad, droopy brown eyes, as though I were the dog and he needed to put me down.

"You jump, I jump," he said. "At this point, I'd say you're in charge."

I explained to her, "I feel like we haven't had much time to catch up as of late."

I thought maybe Kim was getting tired of giving you guys money for nothing, so I didn't ask her.

It was done by her. But then, a series of events started to take place. "The gravelly tones in his voice carried with them an apology, despite the fact that his voice was still a little rough around the edges. I was beginning to feel concerned that this discussion was going to take a turn for the worse.

I kept saying, "Something." "It seems to resemble what?"

As he looked down at the lemon peels floating in his water, he pulled his lips back and lowered his mouth. "Okay, boss. You are aware of this already."

I had always been proud of how well I could figure out what people were thinking, but now I hoped that it was all a lie and that I wasn't any smarter than a fence post. I had always been proud of how well I could figure out what people were thinking. Because of the way he looked at me from the side, which gave me the impression that he was extremely knowledgeable about Lexie. Therefore, Kim was going to be aware of everything there was to know about Lexie....meant...

My stomach did a flip. The calm that I had been experiencing only a few minutes earlier was completely destroyed. Kim agreed to sign the non-disclosure agreement in exchange for the final payment, but she stated that she would not discuss this matter with the media or in a book. This information would be like poison for Samantha to ingest from her mouth.

I still had some cards to play. First, I told a lie. "I don't understand what you mean."

He let out a sigh, and his breath went all over the bar. "Man, the girl. The girl. A friend of your daughter. You brought it to Giardo's."

“Lexie?” I tried to be funny. "That's just a friend of my daughter."

He made a face like he was ashamed of me.

"It has pictures. You and her were leaving a club together, and you pulled her through a dark doorway. Not taking Giardo's hand. She uses your private elevator after work and leaves in the morning more times than I can count. This morning, she looked interesting in what I think is your shirt."

I was sure he had taken pictures, but he made sure not to show that part. I had the strange feeling that he was feeling very bad about what he was doing. So I thought that the next hand I played would end the game.

"It's not what it seems," I said in a quiet voice. "There were only a few times."

Another glance to the side showed me that the lie hadn't worked. "There's another woman whose name is Victoria. "Lexie told her everything, she says."

I knew that wasn't true. Kim had somehow set this up, but I had no idea how. Even so, I figured I'd made it pretty easy once I let down my guard. "You were there the whole time," I told her.

"I'm just working." But he stopped looking at me.

"What's up? You've had these photos for some time."

He gave a shrug. "I was owed some money by her. She finally made peace."

She paid me back with the lump sum I gave her in exchange for the NDA.

"If you give this to Kim, it will kill my daughter," I said in an even quieter voice.

"Do you have kids?"

He responded, "Yeah, I do," and then showed that he understood by feigning a small wince. "However, because I don't fuck their friends, I can't say that I completely understand how you feel."

He did not intend for anyone to be hurt by what he said; he simply told the truth. I was under the impression that he would admit to committing a wide variety of errors, but in this particular instance, his hands were clean while mine were dirty, and that was the honest truth. I was down to using only one hand.

My voice was so low when I said, "I'll pay you," that he had to look up to make sure he understood what I meant. I said it again. "I'll pay you. Whatever it is that you want to know."

The age of the shoes worn by the man was at least comparable to that of Samantha. It did not appear as though he had received a decent haircut in the previous ten years. I apologize if I came across as impolite, but I thought that was my best chance at winning. If I gave him a hundred thousand dollars, he'd tell Kim that I used to sing in the church choir.

Consequently, I was taken aback when he shook his head.

"What kind of salary do you get from her?" I exerted force. "I'll double it. Fuck, I'll triple it. You should know that I can deal with it. You've been to my place before, right?"

If the circumstances hadn't been quite so dire, I probably wouldn't be so upset with myself for what I said. But they were completely serious about it. And I was prepared to do whatever it took to achieve my goals.

He smiled at me in a way that suggested he thought I was making a fool of myself, and I took it as a compliment. "Yes, sir. I've been to your house. But hear me out, that has nothing to do with the other thing or this other thing. Since I am currently employed, there is no further need for discussion. I just wanted to fill you in on what was going to take place in the upcoming events. Just so you know, this is your opportunity to..." He wove his straw together with the help of his water.

"Spin it?" I hazarded a guess as I watched the motion of the liquid. It was a good way to describe what was going on in my life at the moment, as it reminded me of the water in the toilet going down the drain, which was a thought that it evoked for me.

He then remarked, "That wraps it up." He gave off the impression that he was going to try to cheer me up by giving me a friendly pat on the back, but he didn't actually do that. He stood up, removed some money from his pocket, and then exited the establishment after first leaving it on the bar.

He extinguished any possibility I had of escaping this situation without being harmed.