Letting her go!

Blake’s Pov

This fucking toss and turning every 5minutes is making me more tired than I am. I glide out of bed, tired of my own thoughts and tired of just laying here. I’m not going to fall asleep anytime soon.

I wonder what Emily is doing? Is she sleeping or just fucking laying in bed like me? I changed into sweaters and before my mind can catch up; I run downstairs to grab my car keys and just go to her. I know she might still be angry, but I don’t care. I need to be with her. The streets are empty, it’s 2 a.m., and the drive is longer than I thought. I finally stopped in front of the hotel, and for some reason, my stomach pulls into knots. I don’t know what to do. Is sit in silence for a while before I went inside and the guy at the counter is fast asleep.

I hit my fist on the counter making him snap out of the deep sleep he’s in.

“Fuck dude, I could’ve robbed this place, and you 're sleeping and my fucking girlfriend is staying here.”

“Sorry, sir, what room?” he asks, rubbing his eyes.

“You tell me, her name is Emily, and I’m Blake.” his eyes whirled when I mentioned my name. I used to love to see the fear on people’s faces when they hear my name, but now I hate it. I hate being the bully.

“Room 104,” he announced. I nod and walked down the aisle. With every step that I take, it feels like the wind is trying to knock me down.

“Hey.” she greets me when I was about to knock.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, only in a nightgown.

“Why did you open the door?”

“What?” she asks, confused.

“Sorry, I mean I haven’t knocked, and you opened the door?”

“I heard footsteps, I. I was..” she’s lost for words, but I know she’s scared, after all the shit she’s been through.

“You shouldn’t just open the door.”

“I know, I don’t know why I did it.” She wipes her face. She looks beyond tired and all of it is my fault.

“Come here.” I showed my hands, and she run into my arms.

“I’m sorry,” I said into her hair.

“Me too.” I cup her cheeks to look me in the eye, and the pain I see in her vision is killing me.

“Did you get any sleep?”

“No, you?” she replies, walking to the bed to sit down. We’re both making small talk.

“No, I tried but I couldn’t.” She smiled, a broken smile and my heart skip a beat. All this pain and suffering is becoming too much for her. I have to make a choice, I have to decide for her.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, as the confusion reflects on her face like she knows what I’m thinking. I sit down next to her, pulling her on my lap. I don’t know if I’m actually deciding for her, or me, so that I don’t have to tell her about my past, or the fact that I want to spare her the pain.

“You have that look,” she said, putting her small arms around my neck. My entire body is becoming numb.

“What look?” I dare to ask.

“The look where you are about to do or say something stupid.” I smiled, laying my head on her chest.

“Blake?” she half-whispered.

“I love you,” I said, without actually answering her question. I fucking hate this feeling, but I can’t be selfish. Not with her. She deserves peace and happiness. She deserves to be loved without a fucking cliff hanging over her head, not knowing when it will drop and crush her completely. I drag my hands up from her legs to her waist, leaving her body with goosebumps. She looks me straight in the eyes.

“Blake,” she whispered.

“What are you doing?” I don’t answer. Instead, I pulled the string of the nightgown to open it. She pulled my hand away. The corner of her eyes into a frown.

“You’re scaring me.”

“Don’t be, you’ll be happy,” I said, putting my lips on the soft skin on her neck.

“No, no, don’t do this.” she fights to pull my head away from her neck and the moment I look up at her seeing her grey face from the lack of sleep.

My fucking heart hurts as the tears glow in her beautiful yet fucking broken eyes. It feels like the world just disappears around me, and it hurts to see her like this. The stillness breaks through the room as she searches my eyes for what I’m about to do.

“Blake, baby look at me please,” she said as I look away, my eyes shooting with tears.

“I want you, please let me just have you.” I pulled her nightgown up, but she removes my hands again.

“Blake.” she half yells at me. I still don’t look at her.

“Stop fighting me, let me have you.”

“No, not like this.” I grab both her hands in one hand, making sure she can’t move. I slide one finger inside her and she gasped for air. Both of us are full of fucking emotions and pain. I just need to feel her one more time. She tilts her head backward as I keep pushing my finger in and out of her.

“Blake, don’t “

“Shoo baby, relax.”

“Your leaving,” she said, her voice raspy. I keep the pace as she enjoys the pleasure I’m giving her. A head flush, rash over my skin, as I watch her, having pleasure but yet fucking pain.

I’m transfixed, eyes glued to her reflection as she moves with my fingers inside her. My breathing picked up the same tempo as hers. My other hand glides up her back to her hair, kissing her neck. We had emotional sex before, but not like this, not in this way, a way of saying goodbye, and she knows it.

My head falls back on her shoulder, sweat dripping from my face as she rubs herself against me.

“I need to feel you, completely feel you, I need you to get lost baby, let go of everything, the pain, let go of it and give yourself to me,” I beg her, to let me feel her, all of her.

“Don’t do this, Blake,” she whispered, out of breath. My fingers were still inside her.

“Don’t, just enjoy it and let go,” I replied to her. She tucks at my shirt to pull me closer to her, my other hand sliding my pants off and she lowered herself on top of me, her legs tucked back and her knees planted on both sides of my waist. Fuck, I love her, I know I have to let her go, and for once think about her, I’m poison, and it’s slowly killing her. I lift my hips as she lowers herself deeper on top of me.

We were both out of breath. Watching her fill me has us unravelling instantly.

“come, baby!” I demand. My body stiffens as she lets go, tilting her head backwards out of pure pleasure. I keep her on top of me as we both try to catch our breath. Her head is buried in my neck and the air of her breath is hot against my skin. I needed this. As did she.

“I love you,” she whispered when I removed her soaking hair the way. Leaving me speechless and with tears in my eyes.

I wanted her to say it, but not when I’m leaving.

“Please tell me, what I’m thinking is wrong and that you’re not walking out of this door without me?” I picked her up from me, putting her nightgown back on.

“Blake?”

“You need to sleep, baby.”

“No, not until you tell me you’re not leaving.”

“I’m not, please try to get some sleep.” I took the blanket and slide it over her body, kissing her forehead.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“Please, don’t ever leave,” she whispered as she closes her eyes. What have I done to her? I skim my fingers through her hair as she falls asleep. Dark circles around her eyes, her face pale, with small veins spreading over her beautiful face. I broke down as she sleeps.

I don’t think she knows how badly my past haunts me, how badly I’m broken, and how badly I’m trying to make it better but fucking fail every time.

I watch her as she sleeps. I’m slowly changing my mind to just fucking be selfish, with every minute passing while watching her. I picked up a pen and paper on the counter and started writing. This will be the only way to tell her how I feel and that I need her to be safe.

My dearest Em.

I know this letter will break you, but in time you will heal. I know what you're thinking, that I lied, I will never leave you, I will always be with you, just not in flesh. I’m poison, and I’m gradually busy poisoning you, baby. You need to live; I need you to live, and you will never fully live, for as long as I’m in your life. I tried, I really did, but I’m broken, All my mistakes are drowning me, and no matter how hard I try, I keep living in the past.

I love you, I really do, but that’s all I can ever give you, babe, and that’s not enough for someone like you. I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece, but as soon as one piece is in place another one fucking falls out. I’m sorry One day maybe I will have my life sorted out, but I hope by then that you would’ve moved on and be happy. I love you with all my heart. Please know that this was not an easy choice, but I had to do it. You need to be safe. Your life is not bulletproof, Em, and for as long as you love me, the bullets will keep flying. So be safe my love and be happy.

I folded the letter, tears still dripping from my eyes on the paper. I placed the piece of paper with all my emotions written next to her bedside.

“I love you, forever,” I whispered as I kiss her on the cheek. I watch her one more time before I leave the building. My heart breaks in little peace. peace I don't know how to fit back together. She will be safer and happier, I keep reminding myself as I walk to the car, my face red and swollen from all the fucking crying.