Fighting my own shadow!

Emily’s Pov

“Where are you going?” Linda yelled when I run out of the ED front door into the rain. It’s pouring and the clouds are dark grey with striking light every second.

I kept running, keeping my pace until I can no longer feel the pain the cold is making me feel or the numbness in my heart.

Blake’s fading face is playing like a fucking movie in front of me, and I can’t stop the images from making a full-blown movie in my head.

I grab my head with both my arms and yelled as loud as I could, trying to get the images out of my head, but the louder I yell the clearer the images get.

My heart is telling me I get back to the ED, but my mind can’t quite catch up with my heart. I can’t deal with the fact that he might have not made it, or worse.

I run back to my apartment just around the corner and plotted down on my bed with m soaking wet clothes.

My eyes strain against the neon blue light of the nightstand, and the lighting striking through my window is making me twitch.

I jumped up and closed the curtains and switch off the night lamp.

I took my mother’s picture on the bedside table and it slowly became visible in my mind how she always protected me, even though it never looked like it.

I can remember how she yelled at my stepfather to let me go, and how she would take the punch rather than having him abuse me.

At night, how she would stand up and make sure I’m still breathing. I would shut my eyes closed, but I could hear how she would lay her ear close to my mouth to hear me breathing, and after my stepfather passed out, she would go and clean again after he told me to clean up the mess he made. I guess she made sure I wouldn’t get beaten down again if he woke up the next morning.

She always looked like a mess. Her hair was sweaty and her face was pale with bruise marks all over her face and body. She was such a beautiful woman, but he broke her. He made her look unworthy and like trash.

I miss her so much. I should’ve gone home and protected her from that monster, but she refused my help, I always thought she chose him over me, but I guess she knew she would never be rid of him, and by being back in my life, would’ve brought him back into my life as well.

I stood with the picture in my hand for a while, feeling small and defeated once again. I stood in a dream state for a while before I threw the picture against the wall and yell again. I grab the suitcase underneath my bed and ripped out my box gloves and tore the clothes off my body, leaving me standing in just my underwear.

I guess some people can’t handle the pain and chose drugs and alcohol to make them feel nothing. Some children go back to what they have learned as small kids from their parents to deal with the adult world of losing people they love or sea with the loss of a job or just deal with this fucking world, but I can’t. I won’t!

I chose to defeat my demons by punching the wall or feel the height and power when I push myself to the limits of not breathing normally and my heart rate skyrocketed.

The only thing that kept me from losing it is knowing that the only thing I can rely on is my own strength and determination.

Determination to defeat the monster who hunts me at night as a little girl, and shadows me as an adult. For a split second, the anger made room for something I don’t want to feel. Rage and anger and frustration for always being weak against my stepfather, for always getting ignored as a child, and for getting a beat down when I didn’t clean the table or polished his shoes as shiny as he wants them to be.

The anger filled my body when Linda looked at me with empathy the night my mother died and the monster beat me to death, but Blake saved me. He saved me from myself and from the pain I felt.

I quickly recovered from all the pain and memories and dialled Linda’s number, but it went straight to voicemail.

I don’t know what I was even thinking. I know we’re not allowed to answer our phones in the ED.

My entire body tensed, thinking, what if Blake didn’t make it? I just stormed out of the room without helping him, after I promised to always help the citizens and here I am, cooked up in my apartment with only underwear and barely a fucking pulse after the yelling and running.

I took a deep breath while my heart fluttered inside my chest, trying to catch a breath and come back to steady.

A familiar lump worked its way up my throat when I pressed the hospital’s number and prayed to God, Linda answered, and not the jackass of a medical director.

“Virginia Provincial, Lina speaking.” I can feel the tension leaving my shoulders and the air filling my lungs when I heard Linda’s voice.

“Hello?” she asked into the speaker.

“Is he okay?” I half whispered, not sure she even heard me.

“Em, what a fuck. Where are you? I’ve been covering for you for hours now.”

“I just need to know if he is okay?” I asked again, bending down on my knees next to my bed.

“You mean Blake? Yeah, he is okay. You, on the other hand, not so much. Get your ass back to the ED.” I sigh loud enough for Linda to notice my mood and sigh back into the speaker.

“I know it’s hard for you, but you’re a nurse and swore to protect the citizens of Virginia should they need medical help. You can’t let this get you down,” she said and press the phone down, leaving me to decide to rather just sit here and die in my sorrows, or go back to the ED and face Blake.