Chapter 41

I never understood why a person's mind clung so hard to things they wanted to forget. It's as if something lives in your brain, carving the details into your memory every time that you throw something away, whilst it lets you down on small things you need to remember, things like picking up a bottle of milk from the store, rearranging a dental appointment or charging a huge client dinner to the company card instead of my own. It's what I was going through since that night babysitting Everly with Kat, I haven't been able to forget a single detail of the time I spent with her. The time that I enjoyed being with her. The thought that I had that night, that I could have feelings for her, was something I didn't want to think about. I didn't want to face it, it was an alien thing to me, I didn't do feelings like that with women. They were usually on the verge of insanity in most cases, and when they weren't, they either weren't the right match for me, or couldn't handle my friendship with Roxy. It was crazy to think that I could find myself attracted to Kat of all people. I practically flew out of there when Roxy and Sean returned, hoping the distance and some peace and quiet, would clear my head. Safe to say that didn't help. Instead, I barely slept, unable to shake the thoughts from my thoroughly confused mind. Since then I'd tried to just forget the entire day, but no matter how much I tried to forget it, my brain threw it back at me like a boomerang.

By Friday I had tried all kinds of distractions, and none of them had worked. It was still early and I had time before I needed to be at work, so I grabbed my running gear, pulling on the black pants, a comfy black hoodie and my trainers, then going to the kitchen for a bottle of water. I took a few moments to stretch, then set the timer on my watch so that I knew when to head for work. Putting my earphones in, I pulled up my running playlist and left the house, taking off up the street at a good pace.

The air was cold against my face this early, and my breath was coming out in clouds of smoke from the temperature. My music volume was up loud, the fast beat of the track keeping my pace up as I took long, fast strides, getting nearer to the park up ahead. I loved running, it was something I did as often as I could. It made me feel free, and it was simple, basic, meaning that I could just take time out and keep going. No reps or weights or anything to keep track of, just me and the world. It was perfect for times where I wanted to lose all of the baggage of everyday life. I keps running forwards, occasionally catching the sweet scent of the flowers that were beginning to bloom for Spring. The sun was rising higher with each passing minute, the pale blue of the sky getting brighter, and the golden glow of sunlight shining over the park's green lawns. I was just running past the fountain that stood to the side of the path, when a force bashed into me from behind. It caught me by surprise, but with the momentum I had, I managed to steady myself, pulling my earphones out, I turned around, about ready to scold whoever was there. My anger disappearing as I saw a familiar face.

"Of course it's you." I panted, rolling my eyes.

"Nice footwork mate, thought I mighta had you there for a moment." Jamie smirked, slightly out of breath himself, leaning back with his hands on his hips.

The running gear he wore clung to his body, the long sleeved, dark grey t-shirt showed off every muscle in his strong arms and highlighted his abs, teamed with fitted black pants that were catching the right looks from a woman jogging nearby.

I laughed as I unzipped my hoodie pocket and took out my water, taking a few short sips, the cool liquid reawakening my parched mouth.

"Nah, not likely J."

He held out a hand and I tossed him the water, he caught it and took a mouthful then threw it back.

"Cheers."

"Didn't realise you'd be out here this morning." I said, zipping the bottle away and starting off at a walk, Jamie taking up pace beside me.

"Woke up early, thought I'd get some air." He shrugged.

I nodded absentmindedly, now that I'd stopped running, the boomerang that was Kat had zoomed back.

"Hey!" Jamie shouted from beside me.

"What's that?" I asked, snapped out of my thoughts.

"What's going on with you?" He asked tucking his hands in his pockets as we continued walking through the park.

More people were beginning to enter the park and the street sounds of cars and people were getting louder. The smell of fresh coffee from the shop on the other side of the park was wafting towards us, and a few pigeons flew into the sky from a bench to the left as I pondered how best to phrase what I was going to say.

"I think I like Kat." The words sprung from my mouth before I could stop them.

Well done Ev, I'm sure he doesn't suspect a thing from such an obscure statement.

Jamie laughed and I was struck by the desire to hit him. I fought it down and turned to glare at him instead. He thumped me on the shoulder and cut back the laughter.

"I'm sorry, but I already know."

"What are you on about?"

"Ev, we all know. Well, aside from you clearly, and Kat." He shrugged, then tilted his head to the side in thought before continuing; "Not sure about Sean, I mean Rox might have mentioned it."

He went to carry on walking, but his revelation had rooted me to the spot. I swung my arm out, grabbing his and hauled him back, hearing his surprised yelp at the sudden movement.

"What the fuck? You can't just drop that on me and walk off!"

"Why not? If I had to wait for you to catch up to every revelation about yourself I'd never take another step forwards."

His sarcastic smirk slid from his face under my deathly cold glare.

"Riiiiiiiight, not the time for snarky remarks?" He said slowly, reaching up and rubbing the back of his neck.

"You think?" I snapped.

I felt like my mind was racing. How the fuck did everyone know something that I didn't even know for sure. How can they think they know me better than I do.

"How?... I mean, how?" Was all I could manage.

Jamie sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Because we know you. You think this is some new revelation, or something you're just contemplating."

His words were soothing, like explaining something confusing to a child. It was making me want to punch him, but what he was saying was the truth, and as my mate I knew he meant well, even with the condescending tone.

"This isn't new, it's just you finally catching up to reality, you've had your head in the sand for so long now, that you don't even realise that's what you did."

"That's bullshit." I sighed.

Even as the words came out, and were met with a look of disbelief from Jamie, I realised he might have a point. The more I thought about my interactions with Kat, the more I began to see a pattern. The irritation and sarcasm of those moments made me feel happy, not just in that moment, but afterwards too. Even though I dreaded seeing her at times, I would always walk away smiling, but there was something more under that. Something that I couldn't place, that ran much deeper.

"Is it really?" He looked at me, challenging me to continue arguing. "You don't want a relationship, I mean, you've had plenty of disasters, so I'm not surprised. But you refuse to even entertain the idea. You and Kat had chemistry from day one, everyone could see it, and you hid from it."

I felt like my head was spinning, I couldn't work out if what he was saying was right or not. Everything was just too confusing. Of course Kat had been a breath of fresh air when we'd met. She quickly gained my respect for how she'd helped Roxy and Sean get together. I admired her the more I got to know her, her rough and sometimes prickly exterior hid a warm heart and a caring nature. But where did it change? I don't even remember when we started sniping at each other, it just became our way of communicating.

"The banter between you two is practically foreplay Ev. I'm surprised it's taken you this long to notice it."

"I'm not admitting to noticing anything." I said defiantly.

"Then don't, just keep your head in the sand, move on with your life and forget it."

I wish it was that simple. I thought to myself.

Being able to just forget about all of it was what I'd tried since that night in the club, it hadn't worked then, and I could tell it definitely wasn't going to work now! Not after Jamie just dumped a bunch more doubt and fucking confusion on my head. Even as I thought about forgetting her, there was a niggling thought in the back of my head...

Do I really want to forget and move on?

The alarm beeped on my watch, and I suddenly remembered about work.

"Shit."

Jamie looked down at his own watch then at me.

"I'll race you back?" He smirked.

I was glad of the distraction, laughing, I nodded.

"You're on."

"Loser buys coffee?"

"And doughnuts."

"Deal. Go!"

We took off, Jamie was in the lead for the first few strides, but I overtook fairly quickly, running through the gates and back in the direction I came from. I tried not to dwell on Kat, but it was made harder as I remembered what she said about her ex being back. The thought triggered something inside me and anger flooded through my body, suddenly my speed increased, everything rushing past me in a blur of colour and sound as I realised there wasn't a simple solution here, I didn't know what I wanted, and I wasn't sure I ever would. But there wasn't just me in the picture, and someday, sooner or later, I may not get a chance to decide.