26

Nandini

"You look so beautiful, Nandini. Perfect." Mom smiles, looking at me in the mirror while clasping the blue ruby necklace on my nape.

I smile back at her, grateful to her for hiring someone to do my makeup and hair.

This is the first time I am wearing this kind of gown and going to a party. I am almost twenty-one years old now, and this is the first party to which I am going in my life.

Maa and Papa used to go to the business parties, but they only used to take Vivek with them.

There was one time I had asked them to take me with them, not wanting to be home alone at night as I used to get scared.

But they berated me so harshly that time, telling me they did not want to get embarassed by taking me-a girl with no manner to talk and eat-with them.

I had cried for hours that night, cursing myself for being such nuisance to my parents. I used to think I was in the wrong.

I used to think if only I knew how to talk or eat, they would have taken me with them. During that time, it did not cross my mind that if they thought I did not know how to do such things, being my parents, it was their duty to teach me such things.

I was young and naive then. At that time, I did not know I was an unwanted child to my parents.

I did not know that was the reason why they used to be indifferent toward me, scold me too harshly whenever I made even smallest of mistakes, used to be nonchalant to my tears whenever I cried after sustaining injuries while playing, and not take me with them to the parties.

It was a few years later that I understood the reason behind their behavior toward me. And the day I had realized that, I had cried for the entire day, only stopping when Vivek consoled me, telling me I would always be his dear sister, no matter whether I was a wanted daughter by our parents or not.

"What happened, Nandini? Why are you getting emotional?" Mom asks me, and I blink away my tears.

"Nothing, Mom. Just got lost thinking about some random things," I tell her, shaking those memories off my mind.

This is the first time I am going to the party, and I want to enjoy this night. I won't let anything dampen my mood.

Still, there is a nagging feeling in my heart. Vivek's thought is again swirling in m mind as it has been for the last few days.

I do not know why, but I am unable to shake the foreboding feeling clawing my heart.

"Manik is going to definitely swoon after seeing you tonight. I am sure he won't be able to take his eyes off you," Mom tells me and I smile mildly at her.

I am unsure if Manik would even give me a proper look, let alone give me such reaction.

Yes, he has been slightly nicer toward me recently, and I am sure it is his guilt that is prompting him to do so.

His culpability of ruining my life to get his revenge is slowly chewing at his conscience, unable to let him be happy even after achieving what he wanted to achieve by marrying me.

That is the only reason why he wants to give our marriage a chance, and that is why he is no longer acts rudely with me.

I am not entirely sure what is it between him and me, but nowadays, I have started feeling more comfortable with him. I have started opening up to him and that confuses me and also scares me at the same time.

It confuses me because I am not sure why I feel comfortable with him, and it scares me because I know whatever it is, it is not going to last.

Sooner or later, his guilt will surely start decreasing, getting it to the point that it will no longer bother him.

That will be the day, he will again tell me to get out of his life.

After all, he has been doing everything on his whim from the beginning-be it marrying me for his revenge, declaring me as an unwanted wife on our wedding night, then suddenly telling me about wanting to give our marriage a chance after succeeding in taking his revenge.

I know he meant it when he apologized to me, he also meant it when he said he would try his best to make me give him a chance, and he also meant it when he looked at me with compassionately when telling me about going out to dinner one night a week as long as I will want to.

It was in his eyes-the honest emotion bare for me to see.

But it is not enough. Because no matter how much I want to, I am simply unable to trust him.

Trust is a strange thing after all.

I had trusted my parents when they told me they found a good man for me to marry.

I had trusted Manik when I took saat phere (seven rounds around a sacred fire) with him, thinking he also took our wedding vows as seriously as I did while taking the rounds around the sacred fire during our marriage proceeding.

So, when Manik told me about our marriage being unwanted to him, that night, a daughter's trust on her parents broke and a wife's trust on her husband broke.

In that one moment, my trust shattered in such a way that I am not sure whether I will ever be able to trust my parents and Manik ever again in my life.

Manik might be thinking why I am not forgiving and forgetting everything and moving on in his life even after he has realized his mistake and has also apologized for it. He might be wondering why I am making such a big deal out of it.

It could be because, being a man, he cannot understand, what it means to a girl when she leaves her old life behind and comes to her husband's house, dreaming about making a new life with him and his family.

For me, it was bigger than that because I had been dreaming about it since the moment I found out about being an unwanted daughter.

I used to dream about getting a loving husband and a loving family after getting married. I used to think I will get loving mother-in-law and father-in-law who will love me like a daughter. The kind of love which I never got from my parents. I used to console myself, thinking I will at least get such love from my in-laws after my marriage even though I was unable to get it from my parents before marriage.

And my husband-I used to imagine him being kind, loving me, sometimes pampering me, and sometimes letting me pamper him. I used to imagine us being happy in our small world.

Then, our children. I used to dream about having a girl first and then a boy. I used to think I would love them equally, never letting them lack parental love, which I lacked in my life.

All these dreams shattered on my wedding night when Manik said those bitter words to me.

Such was the pain of those shattered dreams that it pricks my heart even now.

That is why I am still unable to forgive Manik, unable to forget why he married me, and unable to trust him when he speaks about giving our relationship one more chance.

This is what scares me the most.

Although I am unable to trust him, there are some moments with him, that compels me to get the flashes of those shattered dreams.

That one moment with him in the restaurant-when he told me about making our own tradition-the look in his eyes when he said that had made my heart flutter.

It was such an emotional moment for me because the look in his eyes told me he understood my pain, even felt it to some extent.

Surprisingly, I did not feel uncomfortable being so vulnerable in front of him.

'Why is everything so complicated?' I sigh, standing from the chair, and wearing the heels that Mom got for me.

"It is nearly time for you to leave, Nandini. Manik will be here in five minutes. I will also go to my room to get ready. As decided, you and Manik will first leave, and Siddharth and I will reach there an hour after the party starts," Mom tells me, and I nod at her.

It was decided they will arrive late at the party because Dad has an important meeting with international clients right before the party.

Once Mom leaves the room, I slowly walk toward the room's window, feeling relieved that heels are comfortable enough to properly walk and stand.

Looking at the sky, I wonder if my brother is somewhere there, looking over me.

The restlessness regarding something bad about to happen is still at large in my heart. And with it, the uncertainty about what decision to take regarding my relationship with Manik is also weighing me down.

"What do I do, Vivek? Do I learn to trust again or simply let go and move on in my life?" I ask, hoping to get the answer.

"The answers we sometimes search for outside, are already within us, Nandini. We just need to look into ourselves and find them."

Getting startled by Manik's voice, I sharply turn around, noticing him suck in a breath when he looks at me.