35

A nobody, nothing, she was nothing but an unwanted girl that is, until Ramu came into her life and rescued her from others, not to mention, herself. He gave her a purpose in life and will do anything for her. She had known the feeling of hatred and resentment far too well. She had always been mistreated, the unwanted, the useless and the unworthy. But surprisingly, this one guy Ramu slow washes away those feelings that were once restored deep inside of Tara, and renews love, happiness, pureness, and trust into her soul.

And the same man, the same Ramu, cheated upon her.

"How could you do that to me?"

Ramu doesn't have to itemize. He knows what she speaks of. No one ever felt her pain, her loss, or the feeling of being unwanted again. No one understood how it felt others judge you when they don't know what you have been through.

Having your heart broken is an easy part; knowing when to move on is the challenge. And how Tara moved on with the treacherous betrayal learning to start all over again with a newborn in her hands...

****

"It's a girl", sighed Lachmi's husband Gangu when he heard the child cry. He and his friend sat on the verandah of his semi-built house in the rustic village of Shamli in Himachal Pradesh. Inside, the midwife was attending to his wife by assisting her in giving birth to a child. Gangu took a long puff of his bidi and threw it away in disgust. After sometime the midwife came out from the room and placed the child who had recovered a bit from the birth in the arms of Gangu. He uncovered the tiny form to find a beautiful, strong, but quite plain, a girl's body.

Gangu turned away his face, the tears came, tears of weakness and disappointment. And then came the shrieking voice of the little girl's grandma......"Give me the shovel and I will go and bury her in the jungle nearby." She was a witness to her son's face which was heavy with fallen hope.

"Wrap her in an old cloth and lay her face down on the floor. What does she bring to the family except a dowry debt?"

The fact is, the man who had begotten her didn't want her. In his eyes she should never have been born, and perhaps that would have been the best. As it was, the little child's existence had proven to be nothing more than a nuisance for everyone. She had angered her father, brought strife upon her mother and that too....all by simply being.

She was named Tara.

Gradually Tara started growing up with the years that floated by and deep down behind those hostile eyes was a little girl who had learnt that life really isn't much fun for anybody; and the best way to avoid further rejection was to make herself as objectionable as possible. She was a very lonely child who was starved of affection and love and for her it wasn't okay to ask for it because her childlike thoughts told her that there must be something which she had done which meant that she didn't deserve it.

In time she reached the threshold of youth, but couldn't cross the despair of adolescence. Oblivious of the possibilities of life a girl goes through, her journey of disarray, in the itinerary of the past chasing the mirages of melody even amidst the sands of hope...and that despaired her forever.

After a year her brother was born and there was jubilation all night. People, especially her father danced to the beats of the drums, fully intoxicated. With the passage of time it was becoming hard for Tara (who was going to be in the start of the teens) to live in an environment where she was reminded constantly that her existence just happened to be there.....that she wasn't meant to be there. But she never accepted the stereotype that boys are more important than girls as this thought often led to certain discomfort. She always had this in her confused brain that she was no less than anyone around her, but there was always an uncomfortable feeling that she wasn't seen as she wanted herself to be seen as. She always mumbled herself, "We girls feel as human as a boy, and we are no different. I too have the same flesh and blood and my challenges are also the same." And these thoughts sometimes made her feel a sense of anger and deep pain rippling through her. How could her folks treat her so brutally? The wounds of "not worth it" ran within her and slowly the awareness of how the feeling "unwanted" started manifesting itself physically, emotionally, psychologically and even spiritually. This big gaping hole invaded her life.

The teenage years were very unstable. She was often severely depressed, had mood swings, was extremely withdrawn and barely said a word to anyone. She got involved in various reckless, impulsive and self destructive things.

When one goes through a lot in life on builds a wall and tries to avoid emotions and reality of a real life. Every moment she felt lost and unloved. Sometimes she just hated herself and felt worthless. Folks at home or the people around her judged her of so much anger in her and when they judged her, her soul used to cry because she couldn't tell them what was killing her inside.

One day her mother asked her to go to the nearby pond to fetch water in the clay pots. As she bent hard to pick one of the pots full of water from the pond, she slipped and fell onto the ground, injured her forehead and lost consciousness. She was barely conscious when she felt herself being lifted up off the ground. She opened her eyes slowly and saw that it was Ramu, that smart handsome young boy and her next door neighbor. She immediately struggled to get free, though her attempt failed pathetically considering that she had no energy. She whimpered and struggled helplessly in his arms.

"Shhhh!! Tara it's okay, calm down, I swear I won't hurt you. Just let me take you home," he pleaded. Tara's head felt like it had a heartbeat and her stomach spun like a washing machine. All she could do was nod her head because she trusted him enough to take her home as she didn't believe that he was going to hurt her at all. Ramu wrapped his big shawl around her torso and pulled her against his broad chest. Tara's long legs hung limply over his arms. She buried her head into his neck and breathed in his smell. It felt so good to be in his strong arms but there was a part of her that was bothered by it.

"Mmmmm....well ...we don't have to be strangers," Ramu's voice came out calm. Tara's eyes snapped open as she looked at him.

"No, if you get too close to me my old father will kill you!!" she yelled at him looking straight into his eyes, her own hazel colored eyes shining with fear of what her father may do to Ramu.

"You have intriguing eyes," Ramu spoke softly looking at her intently. She couldn't take her eyes of him. Suddenly she felt the earth shift and the gravity swade. Then it stopped. She kept on thinking "What was that?" It had never happened before. She looked away from him.

"Don't look away, there pretty girl," he spoke softly putting his hand on her knee.

She looked back at him. "Don't lie to me, you barely know me," she whispering the last part to herself, but of course he heard her.

"What time is it?" she looked around trying to figure out the time. He too looked around and then sat down on a rock still holding her in his arms.

"Aah...I would say noon-ish." He looked at her intensely.

Tara immediately jumped up out of fear. "I'm late! My mother is going to kill me. I've to go." Getting up swiftly spiked the pain on the wounded forehead making her sit back on the ground.

"Tara, you need to sit down and relax. You could reopen that wound and bleed out if you aren't careful," Ramu spoke helping her up off the ground holding her up.

She pulled away and started walking towards her home, but Ramu blocked her from leaving.

"Why? Where do u need to be? You are wounded and need to rest." He looked at her sternly in the eyes waiting for an answer. Tara pushed past him and started walking towards her home through the woods but stumbled and nearly fell. Before she could fall Ramu grabbed her and pulled her back up.

"Then I am going with you, no ifs or buts about it," Ramu said, leading her holding her hand.

Half way through the woods, Tara started to get weak, and Ramu noticed the look on her face. He bent down and picked her up bridal style and carried her. They came to a clearing in the woods which led to their home and he set her down but still kept a protective arm around her. It had started showing by then and Ramu knew internally that no one will be around to see him with Tara. Where in this small village everyone knows everyone and it's impossible to believe that one of their acquaintances is with a girl/boy.

The rapid nightfall of mid December had quite beset the little village as they approached it on soft feet over a fresh thin fall of powdery snow. Little was visible, but squares of dusky orange- red on either side of the street, where the fire light or lamp light of each cottage overflowed through the casements into the dark world outside.

Ramu left her there to fend for herself. In a daze and emotionally frozen she entered the house.

"What took you so long?" her mother asked in a harsh tone. "And where are the pots of water?"

"I went to the pond and slipped on the rocks just hurting myself on the forehead and the pots broke," Tara replied, hoping she would leave it at that.

Fortunately, her mother didn't press further and she felt relieved, for honestly, she didn't know what she would have said if she did.

Tara sat for a long time staring into the oblivion what was wrong with her....................she felt nauseous. But she never could make out that it was because of malnourishment. She was a very shattered girl. Her head was spinning because of blood loss and she felt confused and scared. And she didn't eat much that evening. She had a hard time falling asleep that night, tossing and turning and replaying what had transpired, still not understanding it at all. She fell fearful of being alone. The only sound that reassured her was the clinking of the silver bangles, which meant her mother was in the kitchen cleaning up.

She lay awake whole night but never knew when she drifted off to sleep in the wee hours of the morning.

She could feel the hands of someone shaking her and calling out her name, shouting at her to get up soon from her bed. That was her father, Gangu. As soon as she opened her eyes, he started abusing and shouting at her with all his might.

"Tell me, you bitch, who was that boy whom you were with, last evening? My friend Joginder had seen you coming hand in hand with him."

She told him it was none other than Ramu, their immediate neighbor who had helped her home when she was bruised and told the whole incident.

"You know, every man out there is a potential predator; no one is trust worthy. And you better beware, if I see you next time with him or anyone, I will kill you," he shouted at her hoarsely.

"But by no means, you don't have the right to put every male in the same dung heap," Tara blurted back refuting her father's statement.

Gangu drew back his hand and slapped her across the face. The smack of flesh striking flesh echoed through the room. Raising his voice to something just below a shout, he snarled, "You asshole!!!!"

She took the slap like a man. No whining.

Abusing the young girl, her father left her room with anger crept all over his face.

Tara wrestled with the blankets as tears fell unchecked down her cheeks. The stinging slap echoed on her skin and she pressed her palm to her tender face, annoyed at her weakness. She bundled herself in the blankets and tried to drift away to sleep but couldn't. Her head was full of thoughts about what can she do to explore and heal these core wounds that her parents had given her. OR how can she tear down the brick walls that sheltered the tattered remnants of her wounded heart OR how can she become stronger, more whole of that innocent child again.

Laying there in the dark, she was just battling the feelings of unworthiness, loneliness and self hate. Her inner child needed some serious re-parenting. With all these thoughts she never knew when she drifted away to sleep. Soon, she could hear the ringing of bells of the nearby temple telling her that it was morning. She got up from her slumber with a heavy head, and went straight to the kitchen to sweep and cutting the vegetables. Later, after freshening up, she went into the nearby woods to collect firewood for selling. The whole way she kept on thinking about Ramu.

She wasn't exactly sure when it happened or even when it started!! All she knew for sure was that right here and now, she was falling hard and she could only pray that he was feeling the same way.

Love doesn't appear with any warning signs. You fall into it as if pushed from a high diving board. No time to think what's happening. It's inevitable.

From a distance, she could see an image in the low fog coming towards her. As the image approached near, she was surprised to see Ramu who too had come to collect the firewood. Their eyes met.........................she smiled and her eyes started to drift downwards.

"Tara!!" Ramu spoke.

Back upto his eyes.

"You know I am falling in love with you," Ramu spoke out softly.

While she could hardly fathom what had just happened.

Ramu's expression became serious and his hand almost slipped into hers.

"I've had a long time thinking about it." Ramu jerked his head up looking deep down into his eyes as his fingers tightened on Tara's fingers.

Tara's heart pounded, as he stepped closer, so close, the scent of his unwashed shirt enveloped her.

Her breath came fast. He touched her hair, and she twitched as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Will you meet me tomorrow in the afternoon just near the pond?" Ramu asked her in a hushed up tone. "Just close your eyes and come and meet me in that place where we can share the music of our silent heartbeats."

Tara nodded her head in affirmation and then hurriedly moved away with the axe in her hand to collect the firewood.