46
"You told Meadow you care about the wolves at the mountain.... So maybe you're not all that self-absorbed. You loved your mom; you did what you thought was right for her." I point out, hoping to open an avenue of conversation but her darkening look as she glares ahead tells me I said the wrong thing. Her whole posture stiffening and signaling she doesn't want to talk about this.
"Look how that helped... I got her killed, and all this..... Maybe it's better when I don't give a shit about people. They always fuck me over anyway." the biting undertone, the undercurrent of bitterness, and guilt hits me in the stomach as I connect her last sentence to maybe what Colton did. What the sub pack did in turning away from her and rooting for me instead. I guess it was a betrayal in her eyes that she was so easily cast aside as something worthless, even if it's not exactly how it played out. Even though he had no control over imprinting and breaking her heart, I guess she still carries the pain of what she saw as adultery.
"What happened in the months since we left?" I don't know what else to say, so maybe a question will be better and as she is clamping down on the other topic, I should try and ease the atmosphere with some kind of chat. I feel out of my depths, weird and moody even though I seem calm and upbeat on the surface.
"Life happened. Juan happened." Her voice croaks in her throat and she looks away to hide her face as she quickly wipes it and goes back to glaring outside. A sudden hint of emotion again and she seems to curse herself out for showing weakness in the form of a tear. So much hostility in her aura and I wish she would just open up and tell me, to talk it out, to share and ease her weighty burden.
"Carmen, I'm trying to help. We don't know what went down after. We only know what we had to do at the homestead to keep the people safe. You have to open up to ....." I try for my therapy tone of Luna, the easing of a wolf to confide but she doesn't let me finish.
"I don't need to open up. I'm fine. The past is done. Nothing can change it and I just want to make up for what I caused and be done with all of this." A curt snap, a tightening of fingers on the wheel and that abrasive manner which is meant to shut me up. Only I'm as stubborn as she is. I grit my teeth to curb my irritation at her and lock my eyes on her profile as she stares at where we are heading.
"You didn't cause this! I told you already." I grind out.
"Yes, I did..... not just my mom. All of it. Had I never interfered, had I never pulled Colton back to me and tried to keep you apart when I did. Because of me you left, because of that Colton stood up to him, split the pack and abandoned the mountain. That was the worst thing for everyone. Colton was the influence that kept the people moderately safe. Whether he knew it or not. His father is a devil and without Colton's presence, without the hope of his heir being his bright shining legacy, Juan let all the evil in his heart finally out. I did that. I fucked up what the fates wanted, and they have punished me for it ever since." She spins her head at me, her pallor pale, her eyes shining with moisture as she struggles to hold it all in and I see the deep-rooted guilt etched all over the sudden show of vulnerable in her face. I'm speechless as I stare at her in open mouthed shock, trying to absorb her words and trying to organize some logic to her statement.
"It's not that simple, and the fates... they really did intend for things to go the way they did. It was all part of the plan, Carmen. All those paths needed to be walked out to get us to where we needed to be."
"Was it, really?" she asks sarcastically, oozing bitterness. "I don't think so." She signals as we approach a turn off and follows the road off behind a row of traffic and looks back at me, biting harshly with a haughty tone. "My mom, she was just another notch. Another lashing from a whip that has been coming down on me since Colton imprinted on you........ So, if I did nothing wrong, then why am I being punished by the fates?" she throws her hair back over her shoulder and taps her nails impatiently on the wheel as the traffic slows us right down and doesn't seem to want to look at me anymore. I can taste the growing energy around her and it's not friendly at all. She has so much pent-up anger, pain, and something else deep inside that I can't pull apart. A huge gulf of darkness that's clawing at her aura and screaming out.
"What do you mean by that? What else has happened to you besides Colton's break up? Stop being vague and just talk to me! I'm trying to help, to understand and I'm not psychic." Her emotions are making me antsy, on edge as my senses are heightened and an overwhelming agony starts to claw at my insides, feeding from her now she's releasing some of her hidden distress.
"Why? Because you're my Luna now? Because you suddenly care about me? We were never friends, in fact the exact opposite, and if this is sympathy because of my mom, I don't want it. I don't need your pity!"
I can't respond to that because it's none of those things, yet all of them too. I have empathy; I see someone that may be more than I thought she was but, yes, it's also driven because of what we now share.... loss of our mothers in a horrific way. And the loss of her pack when they left her, the loss of her family. Its complex and deeper than any of those singular things and partly because, since I became Luna, this care, this need to look after and comfort my people is as natural as breathing. I feel guilt towards her, because of my part in taking her mate from her on top of everything. I can' fight it, and it doesn't differentiate between people, even with our pasts. Colton told me it was the marking that did it, brought up all those necessary Luna gifts that were bestowed upon me the second I was his mate, to be a better leader, and I can't switch it off. I care, because I'm meant to.
"Juan blamed me.... He punished me in that damn box.... for weeks! I failed to do what he wanted me to do, and his son left and mated up with you. I had one job that I didn't do, and Juan, well, we all know how crazy he is. If it wasn't for others in the pack and my mom getting me out, reasoning for my release...... I would still be there while my father didn't give a shit about what he did to me." It's almost shrill as she hits an emotional peak and then inhales to calm herself down, gripping the wheel, shifting in her seat harshly, gritting her teeth, and the tears that wash down her cheek are swiped away aggressively.
