47

"He put you in an isolation tank?" I blanche at her words, tensing enough that Meadow shifts in her sleep at my sudden reaction and murmurs before settling back down again. I'm shocked that Juan would see fit to punish her for something she had no control over.

"He did.... and he made sure I felt pain every single day for disobeying him. He only let me heal when my life depended on it, because he didn't want his new toy to die and give him nothing to torture anymore. He had nowhere else to vent. Colton gone, half the pack too, his prisoners at his secret lab.... All he had were the people who opposed him, and the femme who failed to do what he demanded. Juan's sick in the head on a level we never truly comprehended!" The pain in her voice goes far beyond bitterness and for a second I feel a flash of the hatred, resentment and the lingering pain from what she endured with this man.

"He tortured you, for Colton...for me....?" I feel sick to my stomach knowing the depths of agony she endured while we were oblivious in our new life and barely gave her a second thought. Never would we have guessed that after being the losing one in this scenario that she would still carry the weight of our consequences in such horrifying ways.

"If I had known what would happen, I would've left when the rest did, but my mom.... She needed me." Her words come out softer, broken somehow and she stifles a wavering sob coming up from the depths. The intensity of her heartache finally coming out to show face and it hammers through my soul. She's suffered because of what we did.

"Carmen, I'm so sorry." I can't even begin to understand what she has been through and to look at her, you would never know. The wall is up again and growing taller before my eyes, the fierce is on show once again and her only focus in all of this was her mother's safety. The final blow when the fates let her die. No wonder she thinks she's cursed or somehow being punished by the higher powers.

"Yeah well, you didn't turn us away. At least her last hours were not there, not around that toxic man and his minions. She got to experience the pack one more time, a safe place and genuine love before she did what she did."

"So, the rumors about how he is treating the people." I interject, breathing heavily as all this swirls around my brain and her hands clench and unclench as we get back up to speed in a new flow of faster traffic. I can feel her inner battle as her mind tells her that vulnerability is a weakness, while her heart begs to be allowed to grieve. Conflict thick around her.

"Juan likes to exert his dominance on anyone who doesn't march to the beat of his drum. Others were in the tanks for punishment when I was. It was one of them who came back for me, convinced the guards it wasn't right to do this to our own pack, and finally Juan got bored of using me to vent and stopped coming to the cells. I was lying when I said I left the mountain for only my mom's sake.... I got us out because I knew it was only a matter of time before I ended up back in there. Juan was getting more controlling as the weeks passed. Anyone who even looked like they were questioning his orders were shackled and dragged to the cells and he was going to notice eventually that I wasn't where he left me. I was having to hide all the time, stay out of sight; luckily my father never came home, ever."

"I don't know what to say. We never knew that it was like that back there for you, for all of them. We never imagined he would torture his own." I sit, dazed, looking at her face, watching the still almost tough expression as she forces herself to not really breakdown in front of me, and I'm awed. I thought I was tough with everything I got through in my lifetime, but Carmen is a whole other level.

"He tried to kill his own son and slaughtered any who helped him that didn't leave... what do you think he's capable of?" It's a matter of fact retort, no hint of nasty, yet it has the same effect and sucker punches me in the gut, rendering me breathless. I inhale sharply and turn away as the shock reverberates around my skull. This is the first real confirmation that Juan killed wolves after the split, none of the others ever came out and would truthfully tell Colton that some perished, probably for fear he would go back there and rage a second war and lose more of our kind. He suspected but he wasn't sure, and it seemed no one wanted him to carry the guilt by being honest either. He was their savior, their alpha, and they kept it from him because they knew how he would take the news that many died for helping him. I wonder how many held this, or maybe suspected.

"We never knew." I whisper and squeeze Meadows sleeping form a little tighter. Needing physical touch to comfort me and ground my spiraling emotions as the guilt eats away heavily at my heart.

"You wouldn.t..... he wasn't exactly public about it. Those he ended, were taken down in the cells and he burned their bodies to clean up the mess under his cloak of deceit. The people only assumed they were kept there, or they ran after you when being freed. I'm guessing the ones who got here after figured it out when they didn't find them waiting, or maybe they think they are all still locked up in the cells. Who knows. I just saw too many die when I was down there, and always wondered why he never killed me too."

"Your father... you're his only legacy, even if he has nothing to do with you. Juan is all about bloodline, so despite your father not really wanting you, he wouldn't remove his beta's chance of a future. Juan's twisted like that." I say it so numbly, like the logical part of my brain can still pull together thoughts while my emotional side is in chaos, choking on revelations and inwardly crying for our people.

"Maybe...but what good am I? I never imprinted when I turned and I've seen every male in our pack since, and it never happened. I thought I found love, and it wasn't real. I don't think there's anyone out there that wants to be stuck with this and my father only had his sights set on me mating to Juan's offspring." Carmen's factual statement makes me bleed for her, Instantly upset for her own lack of worth, especially when I used to feel the same way and know how counterproductive it can be to your mental state.

"Don't talk like that. We're one pack, in many. There's a wolf out there and maybe you just haven't found him yet... the fates, they don't leave us alone... They always have a plan!" I hasten.

"Yes they do! Radar has been pining for Sierra for over a decade....I can guess he still is now she's alive and here. The fates don't give a shit about mateless wolves as long as their 'plan' is steaming ahead and going how they want it to. The casualties, like me, they get left on the sidelines as unimportant."

"I used to think like you. I used to believe I was alone and there was no one out there who gave any kind of crap about me. That I was worthless and invisible. I endured pain, I broke with heartache, and grief, but I kept going. If someone like me can find love, and family, and belonging, then you can too. Don't close your heart to hope." It sounds like I'm begging her to not give up, my tone soft yet high, because everyone has to hold onto something or else they lose their way in life. This is why she isn't afraid to die; every tiny bright thing she ever held onto is now snubbed out.

Carmen shakes her head, finally turning sad eyes to me and a bittersweet smile laced with sarcasm takes over her flawless face. A haunting look, that is so detached yet cold and I truly wish she would experience one kindness in life that could make a difference to her.