CHAPTER 55

I don’t go home immediately after leaving the hotel. I had honestly thought I would be there a few hours, because given the passion we’d engaged in earlier, I was convinced Alexander wasn’t going to let me go until he had me again. Or even again after that.

I’m not sure what it says about me—about the type of woman I am—that I’m disappointed he didn’t. I’ve got two men who want me, one of which I share a home and a marriage certificate with, but I wanted Alex inside me again. I craved it. Needed it.

I miss it so much.

I instead drive to a small nature park that’s a few miles from our neighborhood. I’m not dressed to hike so I merely walk through a small arboretum, looking at the various plants and trees. Taking peace in nature, even as my inner being is fraught with stress and turmoil over what to do.

I mean… I know what to do.

It’s Alex. It can only ever be Alex.

But there’s a small part of me that can’t discount the fact I’m married to someone I loved a great deal, and still hold some love for. We’d drifted apart and miscommunicated about key issues. Those things seem to be something we can work on if we wanted to rebuild our future together.

Then there’s the pain of heartbreak and how that destroys trust. Peter tore my self-esteem apart and kicked me out. It was selfish and cruel.

Alex simply abandoned me in favor of my brother’s friendship, proving I wasn’t good enough for him. My self-esteem took another drastic hit. It was also selfish and cruel.

And yet, both men know they were wrong. They are scrambling to prove it to me, and they are both offering me the world.

They are both offering me exactly what I want.

Taking a seat on a bench under a shade tree, I pull out my phone and call my brother for the first time since he drove Alex and me apart.

He answers on the first ring. “Jasmine… I’m so glad you finally called me. I’m so damn sorry for what I did. I’ve been so worried about you—”

“Did you send Alex here?” I ask.

“No,” he says outright. “But I did approach him to work things out. I went to him to apologize for what I did, because I had no right to insist you two stay apart. It’s caused so much pain, I can’t forgive—”

“I forgive you,” I say somewhat irritably because I just don’t feel like hearing the apologies anymore. Everyone’s damn sorry. Peter is sorry, Alex is sorry, Noel is sorry. Okay, so that’s really three men who have hurt me deeply, and yet… I still love them all in different ways.

Forgiveness is the only option.

“Then why did he really come, Noel?” I ask him softly. “As my brother, tell me why Alex was here today.”

“Because he loves you,” he says simply. “You are it for him, Jas. He made a grave mistake by listening to me rather than his heart, and he knows it.”

“So, the things he said to me could be just words to get me back?” I ask, but I know deep down, that’s not Alex. Still, I sort of want to gauge how much Noel and Alex have made amends with each other.

“He’s legit, Jas,” he chides. “He loves you. Would take a bullet for you. Will bust his ass every day for the rest of his life to give you anything you could ever desire. And yes, that means those things you hold most important, like a family. He’s ready for it, honey. I know it deep in my heart, and I hope you know it, too.”

“I’m not sure,” I say hesitantly, because there’s still one thing that’s bothering me. “He told me about Rachel.”

“Okay,” he drawls, not understanding her significance.

“He said they were together and got married because the sex was fantastic and no other reason. Alex and I have fantastic sex, and that was all it was supposed to be. How do I know that’s not all this really is?”

“Outside of the fact I don’t ever want to talk to you about your sex life with Alex, I don’t think you’re anything like Rachel.”

“But how do I know that for sure?” I press him. “I don’t want to turn my heart back over to Alex and have him crush it again after a year, when he realizes it was a mistake to marry for sex again.”

Noel’s silent for a moment, then he becomes absolutely no help whatsoever. “You’re going to have to ask him that, Jasmine. If it’s bothering you, and you need to know… just ask him.”

I roll my eyes to the sunny sky above.

“But, Jasmine,” Noel continues. “I know what you and Walsh have is in a different stratosphere than what he had with Rachel. I know this, because even though he pushed you away to appease me, it crushed him. And then it angered him, and he was gladly going to cut me out of his life because of it. It showed me he loved you more than anything in this world.”

Well, that’s something, I guess, but it still isn’t providing me that bright line answer I need.

Or maybe the answer doesn’t even lay with Noel and Alex, but instead lays with Peter.

I let out a sigh of fatigue and tell my brother, “Okay… thanks for the advice.”

“What are you going to do?” he asks.

“I’m going to go talk to Peter, then I’m going to take a drive up the coast and be by myself for a while. I’m going to think things through without anyone chattering in my ear, giving me their opinions, or making me promises. I’m going to listen to my heart, but I’m also going to listen to my brain.”

“You’ll choose Alexander,” he says confidently.

“I could choose neither,” I reply calmly.

He doesn’t have a rejoinder for that, so instead he says, “You’ll make the right decision whatever it is. And Jas?”

“Yeah?”

“I know you say you forgive me, but I’m ashamed I did that to you as your brother. I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to you.”

“Nothing’s needed,” I assure him. “I know you were caught off guard. We lied to you. I’m sorry for that as well. There wasn’t a good excuse. But next time I see you, I’ve got to tell you some things about Alex.”

“From when you were younger?” he asks.

“Yes, when I was sixteen, and before you get weirded out, it was nothing sexual at all. But something happened that created a bond between us, and I need to tell you about it because I want you to know why I love him so much. I want you to know that what you saw in the club that night… that was just a small part of who we are. It just goes much deeper, okay?”

“Okay,” he says softly, and I can hear the smile on his face. “And for the record, just one more time, let me say you should choose Alex.”

“Goodbye, Noel,” I say teasingly.

“I love you,” he replies.

“I love you,” I tell him before I hang up.

I don’t dally in the arboretum, but make my way back to the house. I consider stopping by the grocery store to make something for dinner, but that smacks of a domesticity I’m not feeling, especially since Peter and I are going to have to talk tonight. I doubt I’ll be able to eat I’m so wrought with emotions over this.

I park my car in the driveway and walk up to the house I’ve shared with my husband. It’s the same one he kicked me out of over a month ago.

Part of me is ashamed I’ve come back.

Part of me knows it was the right decision at the time, given all I was faced with.

I don’t know that I’ll ever reconcile those in my mind, so I am going to choose to let that go. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, what’s done is done and I need to look forward.

As I walk up the porch, I pull my keys out of my purse. Before I can even reach the door, Peter is there swinging it open. I can tell he’s relieved to see me, and it makes me feel so guilty.

Perhaps it was an unwise decision to come back.

“What are you doing here?” I ask in surprise as I push my keys back in my purse. Peter doesn’t usually get home from work until close to seven.

“I canceled my appointments for the rest of the day,” he says as he steps back, pulling the door open wider so I can walk in. “Thought it was more important that we talk.”

I nod as I walk by, pausing to put my hand on his chest as I look up at him. “Thank you. I’d like to talk, too.”

I choose the living room, and Peter follows me. Putting my purse down on a side table, I take an end on the couch. Peter chooses an adjacent chair, and when he’s settled, I pull my legs underneath me.

We stare at each other a moment, and then he asks, “Did you sleep with him again?”

“No,” I say with quiet empathy to how this must make him feel. “We just talked.”

“You said you needed to tell me things about Alex. About your history with him.”

“Yes. But first, I need to tell you that I don’t have a decision made right now. I know what my heart is telling me, but it’s been so battered lately, I don’t know if I should trust it. I want to tell you everything—and some of it’s not going to be easy for you to hear—and then I want you to tell me what you want from me.”

“Okay,” he returns as he leans back in the chair to watch me warily.

“I don’t need to tell you how badly you hurt me,” I start by saying. “But when you had me leave our home, I left believing that I wasn’t worthy of a man. You made me doubt myself and my sexuality.”

“I’m sorry—”

“Don’t,” I say gently as I hold my hand up. “You’ve apologized already, and you explained what drove you to say that. I get it. I just need you to know what my frame of mind was when I left, and why it led me to Alex.”

Peter’s jaw tightens in anticipation of whatever boom I’m getting to lower on him. I decide to just rip the Band-Aid off.

“I went to a sex club with Alma,” I say, then I wait to see his reaction.

He grimaces and lets out a rush of air as his gaze darts to the fireplace where he just stares at it blankly.

“It was a masquerade event, so everyone’s faces were covered. Alex was there and we had sex, not knowing at first who the other person was.”

Peter turns back to me, clearly distressed by learning his wife went to a sex club because he’d made her feel like shit. “I’m so sorry, Jasmine. I didn’t mean to drive you to that.”

I shake my head rapidly. “I don’t want you to be sorry for that. That experience… and then later with Alex… it gave me back my dignity, believe it or not. And I don’t say that to hurt you, but I need you to know it served a very good purpose for me.”

“And led you to Alex,” he says somewhat bitterly.

“I’m not telling you these details to hurt you, but rather to explain my history with Alex,” I tell him gently. He nods, and I go on. “During that encounter, my breasts were bared and Alex saw my scars.”

“The ones you got from that car accident?” he asks, because that’s what I’ve told anyone in my life who have ever seen them.

I shake my head. “They weren’t from a car accident. I was attacked and almost raped when I was sixteen. It was in a fancy hotel bathroom where a high school party was going on. As I was fighting them off—”

“Them?” he croaks in horror.

“There were two of them,” I explain. “And I was fighting them so hard, a huge glass vase got knocked over and a long sharp piece went through my breast. The boys freaked out and ran. Noel and my dad were out of town, so I called Alex.”

“That’s how he recognized you in the club?” he guesses.

“Yes, but that’s not what’s important about that story. Alexander carried me out of that glass, got me an ambulance, and rode to the hospital with me. He was by my side as they stitched me up. I didn’t want to involve the police, and Walsh respected my decision not to do so.”

“But why?” he asks with his eyebrows drawn deeply together.

“Because I was drunk. Because I shouldn’t have been there. Because I wasn’t raped, and because those boys went to my school, and I didn’t want it to be public. There were many reasons taken all together; I just didn’t want to deal with it that way.”

Peter nods with what looks like understanding.

“Alex kept my secret all these years,” I tell him. “He promised not to tell Noel or my dad. He stood by my side and was the only one who knew of my trauma, although later, I told Alma. But more than that, Alex exacted vengeance for me. He promised to keep my secret in exchange for their names, and while Alex thought I gave their names up reluctantly, the truth is I gave them to him without a second thought. I knew he would hurt them, and Peter… he really, really hurt them.”

“He was your champion,” he murmurs in understanding.

“Even before that. For much of my life, he did things that made him my champion. Same as Noel, in a big brother sort of way, but Alex and I have a bond that most people don’t share because of that one incident.”

“Add sex into the mixture, and it was easy to fall in love with him,” he says dejectedly.

“No,” I correct him. “It wasn’t easy to fall in love with him. I told you… our sexual chemistry is almost surreal. But at first, that’s all it was. That’s all I ever thought it would be, and I took it. I took what he offered, and we kept another secret. We didn’t tell Noel about this because a few years back, Noel had told Alex I was off limits to him. Alex was respecting those limits.”

“And Noel found out?”

“Yes, and he told Alex to stay out of my life, and so he did,” I tell him with a tinge of remaining bitterness in my voice at Alexander’s betrayal. “He chose Noel.”

“That was a douche thing to do if he loved you,” Peter points out, striking quickly to make sure I don’t forget the way Alex hurt me.

“It devastated me, Peter,” I tell him truthfully. “The pain of that is still fresh to me even now. It’s why when you came to me, it wasn’t hard for me to accept your offer to come back to L.A. I was depressed and couldn’t see any happiness for me. I latched on to you and your promises for a fresh start, really hoping you and I could perhaps make something of the tatters.”

“And I meant every word I said to you,” he affirms. “There weren’t ulterior motives.”

“I know that,” I assure him.

“I guess what I don’t understand,” Peter says, “both of us hurt you, but Jasmine… you clearly love Alexander. You don’t love me like the way you love him. It seems to me your decision should be easy.”

I shake my head. “It’s not. My trust is a little bruised. And Alex was married before, and it was all about the great sex. I’m not sure I can trust that what we have is more than that.”

Peter just does that slow blink thing where I know I said something stupid.

“What?” I ask.

“You just told me that you and Alex have a bond that’s unlike any other probably in your life,” Peter points out. “I hate to even give the guy any credit, but Jasmine… he made a mistake and didn’t choose you. It doesn’t mean his feelings weren’t real or deep. If he loves you the way you love him—I can’t compete with that. I guess I don’t know why you’re not choosing him.”

“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I don’t know why I’m so afraid.”

“You need to decide what to do.”

“I don’t have to decide right now,” I tell him. “But I do have to make the right decision.”

“What is Alex offering you?” he asks me bluntly.

I hesitate a moment, my throat constricting as if I’m almost afraid to believe what Walsh told me. “Everything,” I whisper. “He’s offering me everything.”