XLVI

Setting his phone down on the counter, Jordan carried the glass of warm milk in his hands and walked out of the kitchen, went through the living room and stood just by the glass doors opening up to his balcony. Letting out a sigh, he silently watched his woman stare off into space, deep in her thoughts.

He had just gotten off the phone with Keelan after speaking with Carol, who had relayed a message from Leonardo as well. They were all worried about Emerald and had instructed Jordan to take good care of her before hanging up.

She had been like that since she recovered from her short syncope in Carol's home. Jordan could've never imagined that something could ever make him as terrified as he had been when he saw her body go limp in his arms. Thankfully, Leonardo, who was a doctor, had been quick to revive her and she had been laid to rest in one of the couple's guestroom, all the while with Jordan hovering around her every second.

Few hours later, she finally came around but Emerald wasn't the same as she was before the entire ordeal and before the news of the victim was revealed, no matter how much she tried to hide it.

Since then, Jordan had insisted on personally taking care of her, so he had prevented her from returning to her house and had called up Oriana to let her know that her friend was still staying over at his, but he had opted out of mentioning what had happened for Emerald's sake.

It had been three days since the visit to Carol's home and Emerald was still the same. She was always deep in thought, she spoke lesser and lesser, she had also stopped eating as much as she used to and whenever Jordan would urge her to eat more, few minutes later, he would find her doubled over the toilet, vomiting.

He had taken it upon himself to stay with her even at night as well, yet she would always wake up from a nightmare in the mid of night and not be able to go back to sleep. She always slept stiffly, her body rigid and her eyes slightly open even in slumber. She was receding again; she was returning to her old, cold self and it scared Jordan to no end because it was even worse than before.

With a heavy heart, Jordan quietly approached her before stopping by her side and turning to face her. She was dressed in one of his sweatshirts, which stopped some inches above her knees. Her arms were completely swallowed in its sleeves and her hair, which was let down, whipped around her face from the gentle wind blowing.

Huge eyebags marred the skin beneath her eyes and her usually glimmering emerald green eyes were now empty and emotionless as she stared far ahead, too deep in her thoughts to regard Jordan.

“Gem?” Jordan called out to her, tentatively raising one of his hands to brush her wild strands behind her ear. Her movements were automatic as she turned to look at him, staring at him but not seeing him at all.

“Here, I brought you a glass of warm milk,” his voice was silken as he moved closer to her and held up the filled glass. Emerald only stared at it, not making a move to collect or drink from it.

Jordan almost started to believe that she was frozen in time when she suddenly blinked and spoke, “I don't deserve this.” Her voice was hoarse and only a smidgen away from being a whisper.

“What?” Jordan muttered and she seemed to snap out of her trance when she shook her head and looked away.

“I don't deserve any of this,” her voice was louder now.

“Gem, what are you saying?” Jordan frowned upon her words, taking a step towards her, but halted when Emerald suddenly shouted and took two steps away from him.

“No! Don't come close to me, Jordan.” He froze.

“Gem—”

“No, I mean it, Jordan. Don't come close.” Tears were starting to fill her eyes to the brim. “I don't deserve this. I don't deserve any of this,” she kept repeating like a broken vinyl.

“Gem, what the hell are you saying? Stop that,” he tried to take a step towards her but she shouted again and held up her hands.

“I mean it, J!” She pulled on her hair, eyes wide and bloodshot. “She didn't deserve that. That young girl didn't deserve any of that!”

Jordan's eyes softened at her words and his heart broke yet swelled with pure adoration for this woman, who was crying and suffering herself for the sake of someone she didn't even know, but he had no idea that that wasn't only the case. “Gem, she—”

“I'm so selfish,” she cut him off and Jordan's face contorted into one of confusion. “I'm so selfish, so self-centered. I do not deserve my mother's love, I do not deserve anyone's love or affection and I, most definitely do not deserve you, Jordan.”

Frustration, as well as fear, clouded Jordan's countenance as he set down the glass of milk before moving to approach her again but only to have her move further away from him. His jaw ticked in anger. “What are you saying, Gem? What do you mean by that?”

“I was raped, Jordan!” she blurted out, tears racing down her face as her body convulsed violently, “I was also a victim of rape!” Jordan stilled at her words, all emotions momentarily deserting him as he digested her words.

‘His gem had been raped.’

His eyes went back into focus and he stared straight at her shaking body. Her arms were wrapped around her as she sobbed and Jordan also felt a teardrop slide down his face at the sight of the love of his life looking so broken, so shattered. He remained quiet, waiting for her to let it all out.

“I was also 8 when it happened,” she whispered, allowing the wind to carry her words to Jordan, who went even more rigid than before. ‘She was eight.’ “I made such a fuss about it, demanding pity from everyone around, when I had truly deserved the abuse.”

Jordan's expression hardened. “Why would you say such a th—”

“I did deserve it! I chose to believe my father over my mother and I paid for it, dearly,” she sobbed, “I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve my mother's love, I don't deserve such an amazing family, a caring stepfather, a sister that adores me so much, best friends that stuck with me through thick and thin and most importantly, I don't deserve you, Jordan,” she looked into his eyes, tears endlessly trailing down her face. “I don't deserve you who would do anything for me.”

“No, don't say that, Gem. Stop,” Jordan whispered, looking as broken as she was.

“It's true, J,” she shut her eyes, looking completely drained. “That little girl didn't do anything to deserve what happened to her, whereas I caused what happened to me.”

“Stop saying that!” Jordan snapped, “no one ever deserves to be raped, no matter what happens or has happened.”

“Five years, Jordan! She endured that for five horrible years, whereas I was only raped once. One time yet I made such a fuss about it, making my mother cry and worry about me when I didn't deserve one bit of her affection, not even her pity,” Jordan remained quiet, watching her explode, her face tomato red and her eyes bloodshot as tears relentlessly leaked from them.

“That little girl deserved everything I have today. She deserved a mother who would stand by her and love her, she deserved a father figure to serve as a pillar to her, she deserved a sister to love and adore her, she deserved to have the best friends in the entire world and she deserved the happiness that came with having a lover, Jordan. But she was deprived of all of that.

But here I am, having all of that when I clearly do not deserve anything but death.”

“No, Gem! I won't allow you to say such a thing,” Jordan hurriedly approached her but before he could hold her, she slipped under his arm and walked to the other side of the balcony.

“She was pregnant, J! She was having a baby for her rapist at such a young age!” She yelled, her hand moving to grip her chest. “She had to suffer from emotional trauma, she had to stay strong for her baby when all she wanted was to end her life, when all she wanted was peace,” she quietened down, her eyes gaining a faraway look.

“Makes my entire trauma and suicidal attempts seem like nothing but faux,” she chuckled drily, “I didn't even go through half of what she went through, yet I caused everyone around me so much pain, so much worry. I can't count how many times I had seen my mother cry all because of me. When I had people at my beck and call, that little girl had no one to turn to. And you say I do not deserve death?” she whispered.

“You do not deserve death, Emerald,” Jordan suddenly held tightly onto her arms, refusing to let her slip away again. While she had been occupied with her thoughts, he had snuck his way to her.

“No matter what it is you might have done, Gem, you do not deserve death and you, most definitely, did not deserve to have been—” he cut himself off, gulping as he tried to find a milder word to use instead. “abused. No one deserves to be abused, Emerald. Not you and certainly not the little girl. But life is all about ups and downs. Life isn't always how we want it to be, Gem.

Please stop putting it all on yourself. Share your troubles with me, love. We will bear them together, sweetheart, please,” he begged, staring her in the eyes as tears trailed down both their cheeks simultaneously.

Jordan could see the pain and fear embedded in the depths of her eyes and the same emotions reflected in his eyes as well as he watched her clutch her chest so tightly. He placed his hand over hers, laying on her chest and interlaced their fingers together, his eyes heavy with plea. “Please, Gem.”

His heart broke into two when Emerald looked away from him while shaking her head. She pulled her hands from his hold, moving away from him. “I can't do that to you, Cal,” she lifted her hands to his face, cupping his cheeks. “I'm too broken, too damaged for you, Cal,” her thumbs moved tenderly over his skin, taking with them his warm tears.

“I can't let you shoulder my problems for me, J. You deserve better than that. You deserve so much better than me,” she sobbed.

“No,” Jordan shook his head, crying as he placed his hands over hers resting on his cheeks. He held tightly onto them, never wanting to let go. “I don't want something or someone better than you, Gem. I want you, only you, Emerald,” he leaned closer to rest his forehead against hers.

“I love you, Emerald. I love you so much,” he whispered, his voice sounding so sincere, so firm, yet so broken.

Emerald stiffened at his words, her sobs and hiccups coming to a halt. She looked into his eyes and indeed, saw the love and sincerity swimming in the depths of his eyes for her. It scared her and she hurriedly pushed him away, feeling as though she had been burned.

“No! You can't love me, that's not possible,” she cried hysterically, gripping her hair tightly.

The hurt was evident in Jordan's eyes as he took a step towards her again. “Gem—”

“No! You can't love me, Jordan,” she quickly moved to the glass doors demarcating the balcony from the living room. “You can't. You just can't.”

Whispering those last words of hers, Emerald grabbed her purse from the couch before dashing out of the house. Jordan's pained cries and hurt eyes were the last things she saw before fleeing.

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Caged within the confinements of her bedroom once again, Emerald was back to square one as she sat motionless on her bed. The rays of sunlight from the late morning sun spilled into the room, casting its light on Emerald's bruised feet while also highlighting her bloodshot eyes and tearstained face.

After running all the way out of Jordan's lone estate barefooted, Emerald had had to walk for miles before spotting a taxi and the effect of her action took a toll on her all through the night till this very moment as her legs burned and throbbed painfully, yet she sat completely still, too emotionally numb to feel any pain — both physical and emotional.

Jordan's confession, along with his hurt expression when she had pushed him away, played repeatedly in her mind but she was too tired, too torpid to shed any more tears. She had with her own hands, ruined her one chance at happiness. She had chased away the only man, who was willing to love her even after knowing her flaws.

All she could do was dwell in her agony. Even death seemed too much of an escape, a relief for her.

There wasn't a single noise in the house, the entire place echoed with pin-drop silence, causing Emerald's ears to tingle with unease. She longed for a sound, any sound. The silence was driving her insane and just as she moved to search for her phone, the device suddenly began to ring.

Picking it up, she saw that it was her mother calling. She immediately realised how much she had missed her. Her smiles, her words of encouragement, her scent, her warm hugs, every single thing about it, but she couldn't help but be overwhelmed with guilt as well. She had caused the woman so much pain, yet she was still too selfish to die and leave her mother completely shattered.

After taking a second to clear her scratchy throat, Emerald answered the call, her heart constricting when she heard her mother's familiar kind voice.

“Maree!”

“Hi Mom,” Emerald tried to keep her voice steady.

“How are you doing, honey? You didn't call me back to tell me how your date went with Jordan,” Maggie chimed excitedly.

Emerald's chest tightened at the mention of Jordan and she could feel the dam built to restrain her emotions, begin to weaken. “Mom,” her voice shook, “I messed up.”

“Why? Did something happen?” Emerald hesitated, “come on, Maree, talk to me. Is something wrong?” her mother's worried voice was enough to destroy her resolve and the dams were broken, giving way to fresh set of tears.

“I pushed him away,” she whispered, clutching her chest once again.

“Hold on, honey. Let's switch to video call, ok?” Emerald nodded before moving her phone away from her ear and accepting her mother's video call request.

A loud gasp escaped Maggie's lips at the sight of her daughter's haggard appearance. “Emerald, what happened?” she asked softly, tears welling up her eyes as well. “Tell me, honey.”

“I messed up. He told me he loved me and I-I freaked out and pushed him away,” she hiccuped, “I ran away, Mom,” she sobbed.

“Why, Mera?” Her mother prompted her to explain what had happened and Emerald delved into everything that had happened, right from the visit to Carol's house, up until today.

“She died, Mom. With her baby,” she concluded, finding it difficult to control her tears.

“Oh, darling,” Maggie wiped her own tears, finally understanding why it affected her daughter so much. It hit home, far too much. “I see why it bothers you so much, Emerald, but instead of shutting Jordan out, why didn't you just explain things to him?”

“I did,” Emerald sniffled, “well, not exactly. More like I blurted out that I was also a victim of rape,” her jaw clenched, the subject a sore and touchy one for her. “But he still confessed to me, Mom. He still loved me. Why? Why would he do that?”

“Why wouldn't he, Mera?”

“I was raped, Mom. I-I have scars, I have a horrible past, I'm very unstable. You know about my suicidal tendencies, Mom, my monthlies. I can't dump all of that on him.”

“Have you told him all about it, yet?”

“He knows about the assault, he is aware of my suicidal thoughts, he has also seen how very unstable I can get, but he still doesn't know it's a monthly thing. He also doesn't know about the scar, Mom.”

“Ok, Mera, but don't you think you should tell him all about it and let him be the one to decide if he wants you or not?” Emerald opened her mouth to protest when her mother continued. “Hold on. I know you're scared of baring yourself completely to him just to have him leave you, but Maree, don't you think it's finally time to open up and let someone in?

If you keep pushing everyone away, you wouldn't know when you would chase away the right one for you, the one who would bring you complete healing, the one who would love you and accept you for who you are — scars and all.”

Emerald remained quiet, mulling over her mother's words. She sighed as she wiped her tears away. With regret and sadness in her eyes, she muttered, “It's too late, Mom.”

“How so?”

“I saw the hurt in his eyes when I pushed him away, Mom. He hasn't called me since yesterday. He probably thinks I'm not worth the trouble anymore.”

“How sure are you? For all you know, he could be giving you the space you seemed to have been in dire need of. He probably just wants to give you some think to cool off, honey.”

“You think?”

“I know.”

Silence surrounded the mother–daughter duo as Emerald could finally breathe again. The silence that currently enveloped them wasn't as deafening and suffocating as before. It was a comfortable one that enabled her to collect her thoughts and think deeply about what her mother said.

She wanted to tell Jordan everything. She wanted nothing more than to be with him. She wanted to experience what being loved felt like. She wanted to experience being held, not with motherly or fatherly intent and not of platonic intent, but with a lover's intent and she can't bear to picture being with someone else that wasn't Jordan.

She can't seem to bear to live a life where he didn't exist. She wanted to be loved by him and she wanted to love him as well, but there was still a lingering fear of not being accepted by him after telling him all about her pasts.

“I'm scared,” she voiced out, relying on her mother for reassurance.

Maggie only smiled before asking her daughter, “do you love him?”

Emerald didn't hesitate one millisecond before answering. “Yes, Mom, I do love him. I really do.”

When Jordan had confessed his feelings to her, despite being so enshrouded by pain and fear, Emerald couldn't deny that genuine happiness had bloomed in her heart at those words of his, but her fears and insecurities had won.

“Then allow the love you have for him prevail over your fears, Maree. Don't let your past and insecurities take away your happiness, sweetheart.”

Emerald nodded resolutely, determined to win back her man. She would no longer let her insecurities ruin her one chance at genuine happiness. She only hoped that it wasn't too late.

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Who guessed that our FL had been a victim of rape?