Lost in Thought

Blaire:

I shut the door and waddled frantically to my bed. My body was aching, but nothing compared to the raw soreness that existed in between my legs. He really did fuck me mercilessly; I couldn't count how many times my body shook underneath him, my hands tugging on the restraints.

I could still feel his hand around my neck as he choked me while ruthlessly pounding into me, and I knew there'd be marks on my body, especially my neck.

I dropped myself on the bed, running my hands over my belly. My babies seemed fine, but I wondered what would have happened had he continued. I remember passing out at some point and waking up to find eyes staring at me, but then I slept off again. I was too used up, and I had lost my voice curtsey of screaming all night long.

My body shook as I recalled those dangerous eyes, trembling as I remembered him growling at me. I was used to witnessing London's silent anger, but today was something entirely different.

That wasn't just anger; it was resentment plus insanity, all mixing together to weave a frightening new emotion. The way his voice sounded calm at first before all hell let loose, it was like I was seeing an entirely new human being before me.

I was honestly scared that he'd hurt me because, when he first asked me that darned question, I didn't understand him, thus I didn't know what to say. Not until he enlightened me on the new developments in things, and I panicked. I didn't expect him to act like that in a…

Okay, wait, I expected him to act like that, but not for that reason. I didn't expect him to actually be that livid over the fact that I didn't tell him.

"But I told you to tell him. I told you he wasn't entirely a monster, and he deserved the right to know about his children. Now look at what you've caused." Hera howled in pain.

I bit my lips, feeling a bit guilty. She was in pain; I could feel it, but I needed her to understand why I didn't do what I did. I wanted to protect them.

"You've seen how he easily rips people apart, haven't you? I just didn't want my case to be the same. I feared he might rip the children out of me or something." I rushed out, still recalling how his eyes pinned me in a silent fury.

"Blaire, I know he's not the best and he's not been fair to us, but his children are a different story entirely. You should have told him, then watched out for a reaction. If I notice anything wrong, I will personally see to your safety. It was the one thing I asked of you. I requested that you at least try to win him…" She eyed me with a gaze of disappointment.

I had had enough! Enough of her bullshit.

"You think it's easy dealing with him? Why don't you try handling London for a change? Maybe you'd survive his intensity." I yelled at her.

Silence gripped the room for a long second before her voice came again: "Have you ever tried dealing with Fuyu? You think London is difficult? Why don't you try his fucking wolf? Constantly trying to establish a link with him so I could talk to him has drained me of all my energy. And you wonder why I've been faint for so long? You think I'm somewhere sleeping? Not always! Most times I'm dissolved in your mind; trying to draw strength from your soul just to try and establish a link that has been broken takes more from me than you can imagine." She growled at me.

"So yes, Blaire. I gave you the easiest task, and as your wolf, I'd never put you in danger. Who do you think sheilded the babies? You would have freaking miscarried! But you know what else? None of this would have happened if you had just fucking told him!" She glared at me.

"You treat me like I'm a monster, forcing you to go die a thousand deaths... always playing the victim! You treat me like the children aren't also a part of me! You treat me like I have no say in what happens to them, Blaire. And you know what? If you had listened to me in the beginning when I told you not to fucking go with him, none of this would have happened! So do understand that all this is your fault."

"If he hadn't been your mate, what would you have done, huh? You silenced my voice when I told you not to fucking sleep with him that night, so don't even pull the pity card! Maybe you should try talking to Fuyu for a change since London is so difficult for you!" She hissed at me, glowering at me.

I blinked at the open space with my mouth wide apart to say something, but the words had died a long time ago. I didn't expect Hera to get so mad at me; she was always the calm one who preferred to let me handle stuff. She hardly got upset, but tonight was different.

"Hera, I…" I began, but she cut me off.

"Leave me alone. Blaire, your children are safe. Isn't that what you always call them? 'Yours', 'yours', not 'our'." She stood, taking steps towards the depths of my head.

"Hera, please wait." I softly called out to her. I didn't want her to leave me alone—not like this, at least.

She never replied and never looked back until her presence was faint. I pulled my knees to my chest, burying my head on my thighs as I let the tears fall. I only wanted to keep the kids safe; I never expected that this would happen.

I wondered what would happen between London and me. He probably wouldn't want to set his eyes on me for a while. Was all of this really my fault?

I glanced around, seeing how bright it was. I would soon be expected at work, but I really wasn't feeling it in me to go. I was sure Sue would understand. I just wanted to find somewhere quiet and sit for a bit.

I slid out of bed, padding my feet towards the bathroom. Ever since Emmett found out I was pregnant, she always found a way of making me not do anything because she'd do pretty much everything herself, including leaving me a big bucket to bathe.

I was suddenly feeling sick. My stomach turned, and my body trembled. I felt the need to vomit. Rushing to the toilet, I emptied the food in my gut, whimpering as more tears flowed. My knuckles were pale and red as I gripped the toilet seat, gagging even more.

I took deep breaths to calm my nerves, slowly raising myself from the collapsed heap on the floor. I began taking a shower, making sure to scrub my body clean as his anger dominated my memory, along with Hera's words. I was at a loss for reaction. Confused and torpid.

I stepped out of the bathroom, looking at my stomach in the mirror. It wouldn't take long for it to start showing. With a heavy sigh, I put on the next piece of clothing that I could grab, throwing it on. It was a dull blue gown, but it would have to do.

I spotted the breakfast left by Emmett for me on the table and sighed again. I wasn't in the mood to eat anything. I was feeling very down, but I knew I couldn't starve the children, so I took the bread and headed out of my room, stealthily sneaking out of the bustling building, and I never stopped walking till I found the woods.

I sat myself underneath a tree, staring at nothing in particular. The serenity of the forest calmed me, and I took a deep breath before gently breaking the bread and tossing a piece into my mouth.

I heard the ruffling of shrubs and the crunching of leaves and immediately grew alert. The steps kept advancing, and I slowly began pulling myself to my feet, wondering who it was.

"Hello? Is anyone out there?" I gently called out.

A mass of white hair soon stood before me, and my body relaxed only a little.

"Oh, sorry there, miss. I didn't expect that someone else would be out here by this time." His polished voice came.

Jax stood in all his glory, staring at me with vibrant eyes and a lovely smile that had a way of nearly making me want to smile, and I would have if I wasn't feeling so messed up at the moment.

"Are you alright, Miss White? You look rather pale." He approached me with his hands behind his back.

"I-uh… I'm fine." I hoarsely muttered.

He stood beside me, watching me lower myself to the ground, ready to resume my wallowing. He carefully pulled himself down beside me, and I gawked at him.

"You do not mind if I sit beside you, do you? I'm more than happy to stand up if I make you feel uncomfortable, even if it's a tiny bit." His soft voice and manners had me giving him a small smile.

Jax stared at me for a while before huskily letting out, "You look even more beautiful when you smile."

I looked away, flitting my eyes around, staring at nature in all her glory. I didn't know how to take Jax's words, but it surely did erupt butterflies in my stomach, along with the feeling of nostalgia. Sinclair used to look at me like that and say such sweet things to me.

Just then, in a corner, I caught sight of something white moving with speed. I blinked before looking in that direction again, but no one was there.

"Are you alright? You look startled." Jax softly asked.

Still staring in the direction I was eyeing, I shook my head gently, "Yeah... I just thought I saw something there. I probably imagined it."

I looked away, but I couldn't help feeling like something was out there, and it had probably seen me or something.

Like it was watching me.