My heart has no more space

Will

My heart beats desperately when I feel his lips lightly touch mine. I intensify our kiss, my lips suck his, I feel his tongue invading my mouth. Tasting his lips one more time is the best feeling in the world, the way he tastes mine is even better. His arms wrap around my neck, I wrap my fingers through his hair, and his tongue plays inside my mouth. Something inevitable happens, I hear a slight groan from him. That drives me crazy.

My mouth kisses yours lightly, and it trails a path down your neck and with each kiss I give your hands pull my hair, and before I continue, and it gets any more intense, I hear a squeaky sound of a guitar solo. Nate places both hands on my chest to stop us. He leans back into the passenger seat, and pulls something out of his pocket, stares at his cell phone, and answers it a little breathlessly.

— Hi Mom! — speaks and hears most of the things she says, such as, “Where are you?” “Why don't you answer that phone?” “Who are you with?”, and lastly, when he says he's in my car, she insistently asks to speak with me, and he puts it on speakerphone.

— Hi Will, how are you?

— I'm fine, and you?

— Better now, that I'm talking to you!

— That it!

— It is true! Look... It's still nine o'clock, why don't you go upstairs so we can talk a little? — and before I can answer, Nate speaks.

— No mom, he's already leaving! I look at him, and I notice yet another “Gay Panic,” and it makes me smile.

— Don't mess, I'm talking to your friend! Will dear, don't take what Nate says seriously, he says that, but out of ten subjects he talks about here at home, seven involve you.

— Mom! — He says indignantly, I look at him smiling.

[...]

He just stares at nothing in the elevator as I watch him. Knowing that he talks about me at his house makes me happy, even more so after that kiss today.

— Can you stop looking at me! — he says and a smile comes to my lips, when I notice his very red ear. Nate is embarrassed again. — Why are you smiling?

— Why can't I smile? I ask, and approach him.

— Of course you can, but you're laughing at me, and it pisses me off...

— Yeah, what annoys you the most? — I say, and position myself in front of him, who looks at me in a scared way.

— What the fuck are you doing? he asks, and I close the small distance between us even further, and brace my hands between his head. He opens and closes his mouth. — Are you crazy? This shit has a camera!

I watch his expressions, and how embarrassed he is. I pull away, and put myself next to him.

— But if we didn't have a camera, could we repeat what happened in the car? I can't believe I asked that!

He glares at me, and before he says anything, we're startled by the sound of the elevator opening.

[...]

— It's so nice to have you here, Will! — she talks next to me on the couch. — When Nate told me he was going to the floating market, I didn't think he was going with you! — she says, and I smile.

— We didn't have any scenes to shoot today, and he invited me. I needed to clear my mind...

— Ease your mind? Why?

— It's nothing... I was just a little tired. Nothing much.

— Know. Oh, Nate told me he's having a party soon...

— It's the show's introductory party, are you going?

— He wants me to go, but I don't know. Usually the actors' parents don't go to these parties, but my son, sometimes he acts like a child… — As she speaks, he appears in the room, holding a towel and drying his hair.

— Who acts like a child?

— You act like a child, son! she answers, and he sits, looks, and answers.

— I don't know. I've never acted like a child, you love to say things I don't!

— Still upset?

— Upset about what, mother?

— Because I said you talk about Will all the time! — she says, and Nate looks at her with a scared expression. Here we go, for another “Gay Panic” from Lord Naetang. — It's no use looking at me like that! You talk about him all the time, and you need to recognize how much you've changed since you met Will!

— Mom!

— It's no use pretending that it's true, kitten!

— Kitten? I ask curiously.

— I used to call him that since I was little.You know, Will... He didn't smile much, he was always moody, too closed off, and neither with his friends nor with his girlfriends, he was one to smile about anything! As she talks, I watch Nate, his ears are red, I smile and look at his mother.

— Mom, stop!

— Will, I hope your friendship lasts a long time. Because I can see that you're good for my son… — I look at him, and then at his mother.

— As far as it depends on me, it will last a long time, because Nate is also very good for me! — Then I look at him again, and a slight smile comes to my lips. I think his ears are going to explode, they are so red.

[...]

Talking to Nate's mom is always great. I must confess that I am a little envious of him, as I would never have been able to converse in such a relaxed way with my mother. Telling me about my parents was inevitable, and she gave me a lot of advice, and I felt more relieved.

— I think it's my time!

— Will, it's almost midnight! Why don't you sleep here?

Her question took me by surprise, and before I could answer anything, he answered for me.

— Mom, where will Will be sleeping, the guest room is under renovation!

— What a silly question, kitten! Of course he can sleep in his room.

— What? we both asked at the same time.

— What is the problem? she asks and looks at both of us.

[...]

— I've had enough for today, I'm going to sleep, boys! — she says and gets up, walks towards the hall, stops, and says something. — Will, don't forget my brother's birthday dinner tomorrow at eight o'clock, you hear?"

— I'm flattered, but...

— I don't take "NO" for an answer!

— It's a family dinner, and...

— And you take the opportunity to meet the rest of the family... I don't see a problem with that! I look at her, give her a slight smile, she does the same.

I watch Nate sit on the rug, his back is against the couch I'm sitting on, he types something on his cell, and at the same time looks at the TV. I get up and sit next to him, he quickly looks at me, I smile and he returns his attention to his cell phone.

— Is it okay if I go to your uncle's birthday dinner?

— Do not.

— Are you sure?

— I have.

— Why are you like this?

— Like this?

— Looks troubled...

— I'm not bothered, I'm just... Will, I think we're, I don't know... — he puts his cell phone down next to him on the floor, then puts his hands on his head. — I think we're...

I approach him, and my voice comes out as a whisper.

— What's up? I say, and he turns away and looks at the TV.

— I'm very confused, I don't know what else to think... I've never felt like this, I was always sure. I think it could be because of my character, because I wanted to understand what he felt, what it was like to love a man, and I got too deep into his personality, and his feelings, and...

— Again this?So you mean I kissed Thirasak? I say and laugh, and he stares at me in a confused way.

— No, I wasn't acting!

— Nate, I've felt just like you!

— As well?

— When I was 17, I fell in love with a friend from school, and he fell in love with me. I made up my mind that that was wrong, in fact, I was taught that loving someone of the same gender was wrong. When I saw that my parents didn't accept my older sister's sexuality, I started a relationship with a girl. Today, I see that I managed to lie to myself for a long time, out of fear.

— But did you find him later?

— No, I haven't seen him since graduation day. I'm sure I broke his heart, but I also left heartbroken, for fear of assuming I liked him.

— What if he reappears in your life? What will you do? — he asks me with the same curious look.

— Nothing.

— But, you just said you were in love, and you regret not having lived a relationship with him, and...

— I regret it, but that doesn't mean I still have feelings for him.

— And how can you be sure of that?

I watch the way he looks at me, he looks anxious. I smile, lower my head, lift it up and face Lord Naetang. I lift my arm, and I land on his shoulder, my hand caresses him. He quickly aims the direction of my hand, then gives me a more confused look.

— I'm sure I don't feel anything for him anymore, because my heart has no more space, it's filled by someone else!