Chapter 40

M A R C U S

"At Yasmeen's? Like a date?" The shock present in Elijah's tone is irritatingly clear.

I roll my eyes. "No, not a date."

"That reminds me, I have to go grab something of hers from Yasmeen's apartment. I'll go grab it while you freshen up for your date," he says.

"it's not a date," I clarify again.

"Whatever you say, loverboy," he chuckles as he drives us to my apartment complex.

• • •

Fuck, why the hell am I so nervous? It's not a date, she just asked to cook for me and I agreed. There's nothing wrong with wanting to go somewhere for food. I changed out of three outfits already and I'm still trying to convince myself that this isn't a date. It isn't. It's nothing like that. Yasmeen isn't for me and I am not for her. We don't belong together and I should always remember that; I should always remember my place. Yet, the thought of her with someone else... Fuck this, whether she's happy with someone else or not is none of my problems.

She had to go on and choose my birthdate to hold the dinner on. She probably found out through her own means like she always does, I roll my eyes smirking to myself.

I finally settle on a simple black dress shirt with the top few buttons undid for a more laidback effect and paired it with black pants. Before leaving, I check on my hair one last time and then head out the door.

Once I reach Yasmeen's door, I notice that it's been left slightly open. I raise a brow and look inside to see Elijah. What's he still doing here?

"I wouldn't have treated you like this," Elijah says. "Especially, if there were homecooked meals involved."

This bastard has to flirt with anyone and anybody he can find.

Yasmeen giggles. "Of course, you wouldn't. I'm sure you'd treat me like a princess."

"A queen, I'd treat you like a queen," his comment catches me off guard. The conversation continues, only getting more flirtatious by the minute. I ball my hands into fists, trying to keep myself from blowing up. I'll just wait until Elijah leaves to enter, I won't enter now.

"I would bathe in the attention," She laughs. Fuck, if I could make her laugh like that... just once... "But take me out for dinner first," she adds.

I slam my fist against the wall out of a sudden outburst, quickly moving back when Yasmeen's head whips in my direction.

"Did you hear that?" She asks looking around carefully. She didn't see me.

Elijah looks at her in confusion. "Hear what?"

"Never mind," she shakes her head. "Come along, I'll have you take some of this home."

Elijah leaves to pick up that goddamn box that he came for and emerges from one of the rooms with a black box.

"I'm sorry your night didn't go as planned," Elijah adds more fuel to the fire. Is he fucking doing this on purpose?

"It's okay, Marcus probably got caught up in something," Yasmeen's voice is quiet. She's still making excuses for me knowing damn well that I probably stood her up. Elijah prolongs the conversation, mentioning his temporary move to Sicily.

"Honestly, sucks," she says. "There's no one else as funny around here."

"I'm honored that you think I'm funny." Elijah winks.

"Tone down that ego, you're not that funny, but compared to all the corpses I'm surrounded by, you're as good as it's going to get," she says.

"Ouch, that hurt." He grins. "I'll get going then. Again, I'll apologize on behalf of Marcus. He probably didn't mean to bail out on you like this."

I didn't bail, you bastard. I'm right here but I refuse to walk in while he's there. My ego won't allow it because I want to know where us conversation goes, I need to know.

"If you find him, give him a good beating for me," Yasmeen smiles, but it's a sad smile.

"I will," Elijah agrees.

I'll break a couple of your bones for the lies you're spewing right now, I mentally scold Elijah.

"Just leave the face out of it," she giggles, making my lips turn into a small smile, yet my mind I'd clouded with anger...He bursts into laughter. "If you weren't so hung up on Marcus, I would've taken you to Agrigento with me. It's a beautiful city."

My movements freeze, what is he trying to get at? Words aren't getting to my head, only frustration is arising within me.

"Oh? And my dad would've buried me alive, sir," she says. "You need to ask my hand for marriage first."

"Maybe once I'm back and you're still up for it, we can give it a shot." He suggests as if he doesn't know I'm on my way here. He knows and he's still pulling this shit.

"What? A date?" She rolls her eyes.

"No, marriage," he states.

This fucking bastard...Yasmeen's expression changes to utter shock. "I thought you were..."

"Interested in Zara? No, not like that. I just wanted to get her out of the shitty situation she's in. She reminds me of someone I used to know."

"Oh... you better not be joking," Yasmeen's comment catches me off guard. "I might take you up on that marriage offer because it sounds better than Marcus right now."

He smiles very charmingly. "I would never lie to you, Milady." I storm out of there, anger seething through my veins. Of course, Elijah would be the better choice, he's everything I'm not. He's a much better man than I can ever be. I'm never going to be good enough because I carry too much baggage that she doesn't need to deal with. Fuck, I wish there was a way for us to be together but there isn't. She shouldn't have to settle for less because of me.

I hate her, I fucking hate her for how I'm feeling. I wish she never showed up in my life. I could've been living the way I was before, not entangled in these useless thoughts. I hate her but I hate myself too for letting it come this far.

• • •

"I thought you were busy," Amelia says as she puts on her pants. "Jaden and I were thrilled when you said you wanted us to come over. However, I didn't expect it to end in a spontaneously rough threesome. Got some pent-up stress, Marc?" She giggles. I only roll my eyes, sliding off of the bed and grabbing my own boxers off the floor. The doorbell rings as I was about to walk away and Jaden volunteered to go check on it.

"Did you order something? Because I'm starving!" Amelia pouts. I ignore her and walk to the door to see for myself as she follows.

"What's taking you so long at the door? Amelia's getting impatient—" I wasn't expecting Yasmeen to be at my door and from the looks of it, she wasn't expecting me to be at home.

Her eyes roll back just for a moment as she stumbles back. I was about to take a step toward her but Jaden steps in instead.

"I'm okay, just lost my balance there for a second. I'm actually here to drop something off for Marcus," her voice quieter than usual.

Jaden steps back to let me through. If I plan on letting this go forever, I have to act the part. I put on my usual cold expression, unbothered by everything happening.

"I didn't want this going to waste, so I came by to drop it off. There's plenty to share with your friends! I want a review of how everyone liked it afterward." She hands me a bag, with what I assume is the food that we were supposed to have together.

I look at her face and can instantly tell she's on the edge of a breakdown, holding on desperately. She turns around to leave and I unconsciously call out her name,

"Yasmeen..."

"Don't, please," her voice cracks. She turns around and her entire face is immersed in the most sorrowful expression. My chest twists into a painful feeling, and I fucked up. "Happy birthday, Marcus," she says quietly. "I wish for you to find all the happiness that you deserve." With that, she quickly leaves, leaving me speechless. Amelia peaks out from behind me, "Wasn't that Zara's friend?" She looks down at the bag in my hand. "Mmm! That smells delicious! Did she leave this for us? For your birthday, perhaps?"

I don't answer, silently dropping the bag in her hands. Yasmeen's expression... she looked broken.

"Dude! She wrote you a note!" Amelia says excitedly. "I'm going to read it out loud,"

"Do whatever you want," I'm annoyed but at myself this time.

"Jeez, you're in the worst mood than you're usually in. Asshole," she mutters. "Anyways, she writes:

First of all, happy birthday! Second of all, it was completely impolite of you to not let me know that it was your birthday today. Elijah let me know today and I'm mad I had to find out through him. Good thing you're handsome and I'm utterly infatuated with you or else I would've buried you alive for standing me up like this."

Amelia laughs. "She's funny!" She didn't know—she didn't know today was my birthday until Elijah...

Amelia clears her throat to continue. "I'm glad that we crossed paths because ever since I've met you, I've been enamored. It's insane that every time I see you, you leave me breathless, never missing a beat," Amelia pauses for a second to soak in the words and gives me a shocked look. Her tone changes from playful to much more serious and softer, "I appreciate all that you are, emotionless or not. For you, I'd risk it all, over and over again. I guess what I'm trying to say is that thank you for existing and I hope you keep existing for a very long time. I'm here for you, always. Again, Happy Birthday! Love, Your Favourite Person, Yasmeen."

Amelia looks up at me, her expression grim, "Marcus... Is she the one you were supposed to hang out with today? Did you cancel on her?"

I appreciate all that you are, emotionless or not.

"Marc..." Amelia calls out but I can't quite grasp her voice.

For you, I'd risk it all, over and over again.

"Marcus?"

I guess what I'm trying to say is that thank you for existing and I hope you keep existing for a very long time. I'm here for you, always.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! I fucked it up, I fucked it up so bad.

"Dude!" She yells to get my attention.

"What?!" I whip my head to face her in utter ferocity. "I think..." she starts, "I think she just confessed that she loves you."

I never bring anything good into anyone's life, I destroy everything and anything in my path. I couldn't even spare the one woman who was willing to go through lengths to only see me happy. How could a heart like hers ever love a heart as deranged and damaged as mine?

• • •

Z A R A

"Things have been going good with Alejandro, I assume?" Yasmeen asks. She constantly asks the same, hoping every day my answer stays the same. I don't lie to her either, there's no point in lying to her. She'd know in a heartbeat that I'm lying just as I would know if she's lying.

"It's going better than expected. There's not much to our relationship anymore except for peace when he's absent and sex when he's present," I answer truthfully.

She sighs, realizing that I'm being dead-serious, so this isn't a time for her to be making jokes... "And you're trying to cope with the fact that this is going to be your life until the end."

My eyes widen, how does she always hit the bullseye? "I am," I agree. "I'm not as upset about it. It's better than being treated like shit by him. We fulfill each other's physical desires and I lean on you for as much emotional support you can provide."

"You can't go on like this forever, Zara. You'll reach your limit soon enough," she tries to explain. "Your heart and your mind will desperately crave more from the man you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with."

"I want children, Yasmeen..." I say all too suddenly. The thoughts that were floating in my mind finally reached my lips. "I want children to raise, I want to give them love and I want—no—I need them to love me back. To be perfectly honest with you, this might be a horrible idea—having children with Alejandro—but I really want to be a mother. Is that selfish? Is it selfish to want to bring little angels into this world for my sole benefit?"

Yasmeen's speechless, she's taking her time wrapping my words around her head.

"You want children? Now?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Whenever Alejandro is ready for them as well, But I do want children, I want children desperately."

"Zara, that makes me so happy!" She suddenly brings me into an embrace. This is not the reaction I was expecting from her. I was genuinely expecting her to bring me to my senses, telling me this is a bad idea. I was waiting for her to scold me for thinking about children in my situation, but she didn't. "I thought maybe you've lost the will to live on but hearing that you want children... it makes me so happy! It relieves me that you still have your own desires and wishes you want to fulfill. I'm glad you want to continue living and raising children with love and adoration."

A single tear slips down my cheek and then followed by a stream of tears. "I do! I want to raise them to be the best versions of themselves, I want them to learn to love, I want them to live as free as a bird."

"And you'll be a wonderful loving mother," she says, smiling as she pulls back. "Have you proposed the idea to Alejandro?"

I shake my head. "This is the first time the words have actually left my mouth. Alejandro may not mind children as long as it's not a bother to him."

"Do you think, as a father, he might be..." Yasmeen's words whither off.

"Better? I believe so. I think he'd actually make a decent father rather than a decent husband. He was raised by his father, from what I heard. He seems to have a lot of respect and love for him as well, so I can't see why he wouldn't be able to be a decent parent, at least."

"That's a bit more comforting to know, to be honest," she says. Our conversation floats from children to her letting me know that Elijah is leaving for Italy for a while. I wouldn't blame him, I, too, would want to leave this place for some peace of mind. Our conversation is interrupted by the doorbell. I raise a brow and stand up to open the door.

"Hey, Marcus." I greet him. "Here to pick up Yasmeen, I assume?" He nods more silently than usual. His expression is also colder than usual. "Is everything alright?" I ask. He doesn't answer. He doesn't even look my way when I asked him, it's as if the question didn't even reach his ears. "Come inside, I'll inform Yasmeen," I say. He takes a few steps inside but doesn't go past the entrance.

"Yasmeen!" I yell out. "Your prince charming's here to whisk you away to your castle!"

"Coming!" Yasmeen answers back. But when she reaches us at the front, she doesn't act excited to see Marcus like she usually does. In fact, she doesn't even smile. I look at Marcus, who's looking at the wall blankly. Neither of them has uttered a single word to each other and it's freaking me out. The tension in the air has thickened to its peak, making me swing back and forth, waiting for either of them to say something, anything.

"Uh... everything okay with you two?" I finally ask, breaking the silence.

"No," Yasmeen answers.

"Oh, uh, did he do something?" I'm definitely worried now.

"No," Yasmeen answers at first, but then changes her answer knowing I'll catch her lies anyways, "Yes."

My eyes whip towards Marcus, who's clearly avoiding my gaze now. "What did he do?"

"It doesn't matter, nothing matters," his answer is flat. I sigh. I have a hunch of what it may be. "Marcus didn't show up to the lunch you prepared for him, did he?"

Yasmeen turns her head away slowly.

"Marcus, I—" I was about to give him a scolding but he cuts me off.

"Stay out of it," Marcus's words are sharp.

"Excuse me?"

"Stay out of it, doll," his words carry a bite. He only uses 'doll' with me whenever he's annoyed to his limit. Why the hell is he mad at me when he's the one who didn't show up to Yasmeen's lunch?

"It's still unfair how you get a nickname, and I don't," Yasmeen tries to break the tension with a small joke but her smile is just so... sad. "It's okay, Zara. It's nothing big. Technically, it's my fault for expecting something when there was nothing to expect in the first place."

"Yes—" I begin but she stops me.

"Don't worry about it! I swear, I'm fine!" She gives me a small smile.

"You're lying, I can literally hear it in your voice," I say out of frustration. "You sound like you're holding on by a thre—"

"Okay, okay!" She cuts me off. "I will be fine soon enough. It's no big deal, I've gone through this a million times."

I couldn't even scold Marcus, he already looks like he's holding in the need to explode. I take a step back and say to myself that I'll ask her about it next time she's here. "Okay, have a safe drive home, then."

Yasmeen quietly thanks me for not pushing the topic. As I watch them leave, I wonder, what happened to these two?

• • •

Y A S M E E N

"Do I still not get a nickname?" I break the silence, trying to joke with Marcus.

He only grips the steering wheel tighter, so I decide to shut up for the rest of the trip home. Once we reach my door, I try again. "It's alright, Marcus. There are no hard feelings," I lie. My heart is on fire standing in front of him. "This is not my first time. I've had guys turn me down multiple times, it's a lifestyle at this point." I laugh but my heart aches in pain. All I want to do is burst into tears, but I won't, not now. I can hold it all in until I'm alone inside.

Suddenly, Marcus grabs my wrists and slams them against the wall. He lowers his face, inches away from my nose. "Liar! You're fucking lying and you know it!"

Tears quickly gather in my eyes, "So what if I'm lying?!" I yell back. "What are you going to do about it?"

He's silent.

"Exactly! There's nothing to do. It was a mistake on my part, I always make stupid mistakes like this." The thought of him having me pushed against a wall has slipped my mind. "One day, soon enough, I'll be married off," I start off quietly. "I'll have a husband and hopefully, children. And with any luck, that will bring an end to my miserable fortunes when it comes to love. None of this will matter then! So just leave it alone!" I feel his grip on my wrists slightly tighten at the mention of husband and children.

"Fuck you, Yasmeen!" He shouts then slams his lips onto mine. He releases my hands, cupping my face with one hand and pulling me in by my waist using the other. He deepens the kiss further as he pushes himself against me. His kisses are filled with passionate rage, anger, and sadness. The taste of his tongue is fused with bitterness from the aftertaste of cigarettes or maybe it's the bitterness of this utterly fucked up situation.

My knees quiver, threatening to give away as the only thing holding me up are his legs against mine and the wall against my back. I reach a shaky hand up to run my fingers through his soft, tousled hair and do what I shouldn't be doing; I kiss back, I kiss back with love and tenderness, rather than aggression. He faintly moans against my mouth, gasping for air in between each touch of our lips. He won't let me pull away far enough to stop this compulsive madness. He holds me against his chest, pulling me further into him as if I'll disappear if I'm not close enough. His lips locked onto mine in desperate need to feel something, anything.

His hand that was gripping my waist caresses its way farther down, but he stops, freezes almost, right before I was about to stop him myself. He pulls back, instant regret clouding his face. Both of us are heaving to catch our breaths; I rest my hand on the wall to hold myself up. Oh, I screwed up big time. I threw away everything I built to kiss him back because I couldn't help myself, I couldn't control my own desires. I'm worth nothing now, I'm valueless and futile.

"I hate you..." Marcus's voice is low and hoarse, "I hate you for making me the most confused I've ever been. I hate you for clouding my thoughts. I hate you for making me savor that kiss. I fucking hate you, Yasmeen, and I never want to see you again. Don't you fucking dare to show up in front of me." He storms away, leaving me behind, distraught and hurt.

I drop to the ground, clenching my hands into fists against the floor. My vision is blurred as the tears fall onto the back of my hands. I never knew I could feel so much pain yet be so in love with the person causing it. Am I that easy to let go of? Am I that easy to mess around with? I was so foolish to think that I'll survive a heartbreak, so damn foolish. How ridiculous of me to think I can be the flower that can grow in his dead garden.

- - -

Can you tell I was in my peak angsty mood while writing this chapter?