Chapter 31- My Peace

It has been twelve days since I got stabbed. Twelve days since Mia died, and Twelve days since my dad committed a crime that landed him in jail.

Contrastly, it has been five days since I've been discharged from the hospital. Five days telling myself that I wasn’t going to visit my dad, and five days since I've spoken to Tristan.

I hated myself for avoiding him like this. I knew he wasn’t to blame for any of this. I wanted him so damn much to hold me, tell me everything will be okay, but anytime I saw my phone blazing up with a call from him, I didn’t pick it up.

I only spoke to him once to get my dog back that he kept for me when my dad was arrested, while I was still in the hospital. I suppose he was giving me space, since he didn’t come to my house either. And as much as I was the one avoiding him, I hated that he hadn’t.

What do I want then? I didn’t pick up his calls, yet I wanted him to come to my house? Well in all honesty, I just knew that talking to him would only lead to him apologizing again, like what he did when I was in the hospital, and I didn’t want him to. It wasn’t his fault that my dad was in jail, even if he arrested him.

I got over that. He was doing his job. Yet deep down--deep deep down, I was just afraid that he would tell me that all the evidence is linked and my dad really killed Sheldon too.

It wasn’t because I didn’t want to talk to him, because, hell I did. But by now, all the forensic and all those cop reports wouldn’t come back from Mia's murder, which meant that that they would know for sure I both cases are indeed linked. That could send him away for life. Hell, Mia's murder alone would send him away for life. But Sheldon's murder...that was a lot.

Every time I thought about it, my heart broke. Over the days of thinking, I convinced myself that I hated him for even thinking of doing that. Like, why kill them?! And for a mere mortal like me? But deep down I knew I couldn’t hate my dad. No matter what he did, I couldn’t hate him. He was still my dad, and though I hate what he did, I can't hate him.

I hadn’t visited him because I didn’t know what I'd do or even say to him. But tomorrow is his bail hearing, and that meant I'd see both Tristan and my dad. And all the running away from real life that I had been doing, will come to an end.

"Cianna! Come down for dinner sweetheart!" I heard my mom shout from downstairs.

I sighed, as I gazed in the mirror. The fact that I hadn’t been eating was starting to take notice. Maybe it was the stress or the pain killers that made me sleep 24/7, so I barely ate.

I was actually glad that my mom decided to stay with me to 'take care' of me while I recovered. I knew it was a win-win for her, since she still hadn’t made up with her husband and needed a place to stay. She also wanted to be close to me while I got better, so it was all good for her.

I didn’t mind her company and she was really a help. It reminded me of when I was a child and I got sick. She would pamper me until I was all better. The relationship that she is trying to build was actually working.

It wasn’t broken to the point where it couldn’t be mended, but I had my doubts. It was good to know that those doubts were easily dismissed. Hers couldn’t compare to the relationship I had with my dad, but it was somewhat there.

I sighed, pulling on my dress with a light wince. My wound had been healing well, but it was still evident that I was stabbed. Sometimes, it's like I could feel the knife in my back still. It was terrible. All in all. I have not been okay.

Plain and simple.

I grabbed my phone on my way out, seeing yet another list of miss calls from my lover.

'This is ridiculous Cianna', my subconscious scolded. 'You don’t have to talk about your dad. Just let the man know you're okay!'

I sighed. She was right, I had been selfish. I wasn’t the only one this all affected. I could only imagine how many hours he'd stayed up at night worrying...

I brushed away a tear from my cheek as I entered the kitchen, deciding that it was due time I gave him a call. Gosh I'm so terrible at this girlfriend thing. Or maybe it all just happened at the wrong time.

"Hey pumpkin. How are you feeling today?" My mom beamed as she placed a plate of lasagna before me. Even though I felt hungry all the way down here, my appetite just up and flew away the minute my eyes landed on what looked like a wonderful dinner.

"Like someone stabbed me in my back" I mumbled, meaning it both figuratively and literally. She sighed, gazing at me with sad eyes as I picked on the food.

"Have you talked to Tristan?" I shook my head, but didn’t speak. I knew he called her occasionally to ask about me, so she knew I hadn’t been talking to him. "Cianna?"

"I'll talk to him mom" I mumbled, shoveling a fork of the delicious yet tasteless food in my mouth.

"I'm worried about you"

"Why?" I shrugged. "I'm recovering well. We haven’t had a need to call Dr. Monroe" I continued to take tiny bites of the food, knowing what this conversation entails.

I heard her sigh, before the scraping of a stool on my tiled floor caused me to wince. She took a seat in front me before continuing.

"Look Cianna, I know it’s probably rather late for me to be acting all concerned and mother-like. You're a grown woman now. But I am still your mother. I know when you're not okay, and nobody is expecting you to be. In a span of two months, your boyfriend was murdered, you had a psychopath hunting you down, and now your dad, who I know you love very much, is in jail for murdering one or probably two people. You are strong and we all know that. But you don’t always have to be strong. You can come out of that shell sometimes and let others see that vulnerable side of you. It’s okay to be hurt. After all, you've been through way more than anyone should've. Let it out Cianna. Don’t hold back because that's slowly causing you to sink into a hole that will be too hard to come out of. Let it out Cianna. Be vulnerable for once"

And just like that, I was in tears. Not in normal silent tears--nope. My eyes poured like rain, and my whole body shook as my cries echoed through my kitchen, replacing the wonderful aroma of food with storm clouds. My mom held onto me as I cried into her blouse, and within seconds it was soaked through.

On any normal day, this would've never happened. The only person I've been 'vulnerable' in front of was my dad. And since he was one of the reasons for my pain, I felt like I had to keep that Cianna guard up. When all along, I could've let it out.

Hell, even Tristan was there for me, and I hadn’t let him. He was there that night when I cried for Sheldon, after learning the whole truth about him dying. So why couldn’t I let him now?

They say everyone deals with grief differently. I was just too closed off for my own good. I rather suffer in silence and alone, than to let someone see that I had feelings too.

Screw being strong. I was hurt and I had every right to be. I just hoped I realized sooner, and actually let the man that stole my heart, be there for me.

***

I was curled up in my bed, listening to loud depressing music in my room when I heard the doorbell go off. Prince, my dog, was curled up beside me, whimpering ever so often, and I felt bad that my hurt was hurting him too. He's such a sweet doggy.

I knew my mom was going to get the door, so I didn’t bother acknowledging it, nor did I give it any thought.

After my breakdown two hours ago, I think it safe to say that I had actually fallen into that hole. Letting my feelings out really showed me just how deep in sadness I really was. I didn’t even call Tristan like I intended to. I didn’t even finish eating, though I was still starving.

I heard hush voices from downstairs, but I wasn’t processing. I simply ran my fingers through Prince's fur as I listened to Adele's voice filling my room with gloom.

Yep. I've hit rock bottom.

A soft knock sounded at my bedroom door, but I didn’t acknowledge it. After a few seconds, I heard it squeak open, and that's when I turned around to see who disrupted my sulking.

But I'm glad I did when I was met with the very pair of gray eyes that I missed so much. I shuffled so that I was sitting up, as he slowly stepped inside the room the rest of the way. I couldn’t find words to say to him, I only waited as he closed the door and came to sit beside me on the bed.

He too, didn’t say anything. We just stared at each other. My heart broke when I saw that he didn’t look like he was taking this easy either. I knew it was all because I didn’t speak to him. His hair was a bit longer, showing that it hadn’t been cut in a while, and it looked unlevelled as if he had run his fingers through it multiple times. He also had a stubble more prominent than how he usually wore it, but it was undeniably attractive.

Yet, I had no time to ogle his undeniable sexiness. He was regarding me just as intensely, and I had a sudden urge to apologize for putting him through this much stress.

"Tristan..."I started, but I couldn’t find any other words to say to him. His eyes softened at the sound of my voice, and his hand reached up to cup my pale cheek.

"I missed you" He whispered loud enough for me to hear, and my heart soared for the first time in days by those simple words.

"I missed you too" I admitted, and it felt like the whole world around me stopped. It was just me and him. I suddenly realized how stupid I really was for avoiding him.

I should’ve known Tristan wouldn't bring up ANYTHING about the case unless I asked him. I just put us both through hell for nothing. My lips quivered as I felt the sudden urge to cry.

"I'm sorry Tristan" I managed, and his eyes fell so sad at the words. I didn’t understand why.

"Hey hey don’t do that" He mumbled, scooting closer to me as he peered at me intensely. "You did nothing wrong baby"

"I avoided you" My eyes stung, and he frowned a little. But I could see that it wasn’t at me.

"Come here" He pulled me onto his lap and cradled me like a baby.

I snuggled into his chest as a single tear rolled down my cheek. I realized how much like home his hold felt. I felt safe, like the problems didn’t exist. And this was what I had been avoiding?

"You needed time baby. I get that okay? You did nothing wrong" His words were soft and soothing, yet sincere enough to calm me a whole lot.

I felt as his warm lips pressed against my forehead, and I knew that wasn’t where I needed him. I lifted my head so that I was looking at him, and I reached up the rest of the way to catch his lips with mine.

His kiss was soft and slow, exactly what I needed to pull me from my hole. I lifted my hand to hold his face, pulling him closer to me as I released a delighted sigh.

What are you doing to me Tristan Deckor?

It was a while after that we pulled away, and I gazed into his eyes that held light again. I too, felt way better being with him, and I knew that I'd be crazy if I ever decided to shut him out again. He was my peace, and I learnt that in that very moment.

"I'm sorry about everything that has been happening to you Cianna" He started as he gazed at me with admiration. "But I want you to know that I'm here for you. The next few months will be hard for you, but I'm here okay baby? Don’t forget that" His lips pressed against my forehead again, as I held onto his words like my life depended on it.

"What did I ever do to deserve having you in my life?" It was more a question for myself. Tristan was truly a dream come true.

"You didn’t have to do anything but be yourself." He whispered as he held me tighter. "I love you Cianna. So damn much" He added, taking me by surprise.

He said it. He said he loved me.

The way my whole body purred and my heart flipped told me that it was definitely genuine. Whenever Sheldon said it, I never felt like this. It was more like routine than genuine emotion.

But Tristan, gosh Tristan did something to me. Those very words made me smile for the first time in days. It felt so warm and happy to have him like this. And I knew, just knew, that it only meant one thing.

"I love you too Tristan. You're my peace"