28

Crispin's POV

Isolated.

That's how I have felt the past week. And it's pure and utter torture. Tiptoeing around this pack, hiding away from Dieter even though I hadn't needed to. Dieter made himself scarce. After that day...after that argument and I told him I needed space from him I haven't seen him.

Granted I haven't gone to look for him.

I don't know how to fix this. Whatever this is. There is too much that was said and it broke us.

I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that our sacrifice is Carter. My son. When he first told me of course I denied it. But the facts lined up. Things had changed between Carter and I. I couldn't ignore it no matter how hard I tried. And even this past week, I have not had the urge to call him or speak to him. What would I even say? If Dieter is right, then it means that if I tried to make it better between us it would get worse.

Though Rena seemed to be oblivious. I would get texts and calls from her all day. Telling me about how Carter wanted to talk to me, but I never was brave enough to answer the phone. Which gave me a new revelation of myself. I was a coward.

Rena left many angry messages in my voicemail. Which didn't help me and they want to talk to Carter. I knew the more I was silent the worse it would get, but what else was there for me to do? I've never felt so helpless before in my life.

"Oh, there it is..." The doctor's voice pulled me from my thoughts as I lay on the table.

The past week I've also been sick out of my mind. Throwing up, lightheaded. I found the pack doctor and booked an appointment.

"Yeah, you're pregnant. Congratulations, Dad." I lied. Now I've never felt so helpless. This couldn't have come at a worse time.

I mean it wasn't like we were taking the proper precautions. We knew this could happen, and deep down I knew I'd be most likely the one to carry. But that was before everything went to shit. When we--when I thought we'd be happy forever.

"How far along?" I asked her, slowly sitting up and throwing my sweatshirt back on. Which has been my new staple for the past week.

"Two weeks." She smiled sweetly at me, and I tried my best to return it. But this should be a joyous occasion, instead, it's tumultuous.

"Great, thanks." I got to my feet and before she could say anything else I walked out. Left to my thoughts yet again.

This was all too much to handle and even in that, nothing has changed or been fixed. I came here to fix things, but it seemed my coming here had made things worse. And now here I am, pregnant, with a broken mate bond, and a tear in the relationship with my eldest son.

I know I should tell Dieter, and at some point, I will. But I'm scared that if I do, we'd fall back into the old pattern of ignoring our very real issues. Let me rephrase, MY old pattern.

That was one thing he said that stuck with me. I hadn't realized I did that until he brought it up. And now I wondered had I not been so opposed to our reality would we be in a different place than we are now?

But even through all this uncertainty and disaster, I missed him. I missed him more than I needed to breathe.

It helped I was in the pack, and I caught a whiff of his sent sometimes, but I missed him being in the bed with me. Most nights I didn't sleep because he wasn't there. It wasn't until exhaustion took me over that I was able to finally get some rest. But even then I'd wake up sore and aching.

But I missed him. I missed his face, I missed his voice, I missed him.

It was in these moments I realized just how alone I was in this life. I was reminded of the family I don't have, and the lack of friendships. I feel as though I am at a loss.

I do know that the first thing I need to do is apologize.

Many things were said, some harsh and rough and in the heat of the moment. But I knew one thing for certain we couldn't get better by avoiding each other.

Now all that's left to do is find him.

Find him, apologize, and then reconcile. I can save the pregnancy for another time.

I had a feeling of where he might be and my feeling was right. I walked through the sparring courts and I saw him watching them with a burning intensity. He looked stone-cold and solid. But I noticed the bags under his eyes, the messiness of his hair. This was hard on him too.

It took a moment for him to notice me, I saw him take a deep breath and I'm sure he smelled me. His eyes went to mine and a rush went through my nerves. His gaze was intense as always but I could see in his eyes that he was yearning for me. That he missed me.

I kept walking, indicating him to follow me, which he did eagerly. We rounded the corner to get some sort of privacy from the watching eyes and I felt nerves come over me.

Dieter stood before, his arms crossed and his face impassive. But didn't say a word. His eyes quickly checked me over and for a moment I thought he could tell that I was pregnant but nothing other than that gave a hint that he knew.

"Dieter, I--I'm sorry--"

I was cut off quickly as he wrapped his arms around me. Pulling me into his giant chest. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried myself in him. It felt like I was getting reacquainted with his body.

"I'm sorry." He whispered in my ear. Causing a shiver down my spine. Goddess, I missed his voice. So much.

I don't know how long we stood there in each other's arms, all I know is that I didn't want to leave them again. No matter what. I don't care how long it takes, what's happened between us can be and will be fixed. Even if that means starting from the beginning and truly learning from each other. I am more than okay with that.

"Can we go talk?" I asked him quietly, unsure of where I stood to be able to make such demands. He pulled away and nodded. He grabbed my hand and led me away toward the pack house.

I don't care how long it takes. We will fix this between us.

****

It's strange truly, we found ourselves back in Dieter's room sitting in the same spots where we held our last argument. Talk about full circle. We sat in silence for I don't know how long, waiting for the other to speak first. We barely met each other's eyes, the tension so thick and palatable it was sticking to my skin.

"I'm sorry for what I said, Crispin. I shouldn't have been so careless with my word." His voice soothed a deep ache within me that I didn't know was there.

"We both said things...and I'm sorry too."

Part of me wanted to ignore this conversation and jump into bed with him. Forgive him and move on. But that's what got us here in the first place. Ignoring the real issues that we face. And I don't want to do that anymore. I want us to become stronger, us to become one, and truly represent the mark we both carry on our shoulders.

"I don't know what to do, Dieter. I feel like we are in between a rock and a hard place." I sighed and leaned my head back against the wall. "I either move forward with the possibility of losing Carter or I stay here, with the possibility of losing you."

And as the words came tumbling out my mouth I realized that is what caused me the most strife. Having to make an impossible choice. How could I choose? Both are so important to me that losing either would be painful. But it all came down to a matter of what was I willing to give up. Dieter...or Carter.

"I understand." Hurt flashed across his face. His chest moved rapidly and his eyes looked sullen. Of course, I don't want to lose Dieter, even though we are still new, the goddess brought us together for a reason and I am determined to find out what it is. Also, add on the fact I was currently pregnant with his child.

I've wanted and waited for a mate since I turned 18. I cried many nights wanting a helping hand in raising Carter, and someone to do life with. And now here he is in front of me. Willing and ready to do that with me.

I can't imagine rejecting each other after we have already marked each other. I don't even think that's been done before. And I can't imagine the pain of the loss, the toll it would take on me. I also can't imagine life without Dieter. The big grump has wiggled its way into my heart. Into my everyday life. Going back to life without him there...that's a life I don't want to live.

It wasn't until now that the hard truth dawned on me. The real, raw, nasty truth is...I choose Dieter.

That's why during our argument I was blaming him, and making it seem like he was the bad guy when he wasn't. I just wanted to ease my own conscious. Ease my mind with the very nasty fact that...I could move on...move forward without Carter. But I can't without Dieter. But that very fact alone makes me sick and disgusted with myself.

"I choose you, Dieter." I sighed out and his eyes moved to mine. There was relief written all over my face. Had he thought I would reject him?

"As long as Carter has one of us...I'll be okay. I just--I can't lose you."

Dieter was on his feet before I finished my sentence and he was beside me in no time. Pulling me into his chest and holding me close to him. I felt myself needling back together, I felt my strength come back tenfold. This was just further proving that I made the right choice.

We stayed like that in each other's arms, letting our bond grow again. His presence was all I needed to feel up to par again. To feel like myself. To feel like I can take on the world and be better for it.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" He whispered causing his chest to vibrate lightly. Oh, how I've missed this.

"You're what I want." I leaned up to look at him so he could see just how true I was being. I lifted my hand to cup his face and rubbed my thumb against his rough stubble. "We will figure it out."

"Together." He leaned into my touch which made my heart jump.

"Together."