Decision

Anastasia James

To experience the end of a relationship is to survive a painful mourning for the death of the love we felt, or that we often still feel. It hurts. And a lot. But you get over it at some point. The problem is when this end never really comes. The uncertainty of a future, mixed with the restlessness in our chests, corrodes us little by little.

I don't think any ending of what I considered a relationship ever left me feeling as bad as it does now. And that's because Matt and I haven't really finished – you can't finish what you haven't started, right? To make a brief comparison, I am as aimless as I was after my mother's death. The only thing I have done in the last few days, besides the basic necessities, is to lie down and stare at the ceiling. Whether in the living room or in the bedroom, the rough wall of the ceiling seemed to be more interesting.

Some believe it to be fate warning me of the hole I was about to get into, but, honestly, I don't believe this. The mistake is not in me, and much less in him. It is in us. I never thought I would say this, but Matt and I are identical. At first, just the thought of this would make me laugh until my stomach hurt, because I would think it was the biggest joke in the world, after all, I didn't know him. However, now, or rather today, when I have had not only one, but several opportunities to get to know the real Matthew Jones, I must admit that we have many similarities. I would venture to say that the main one, a.k.a. the one that also turns out to be one of our greatest defects, is wanting the happiness of others above our own.

Possibly, if Matt and I were not so extreme as to give up everything we want, dream of, and desire for the sake of the other, none of this would be happening. Oh, and if he wasn't also pig-headed. Yes, it is quite difficult to get him to change his mind once he has made up his mind. Johnny said that only I am capable of making him change, but I disagree. If I can't make him see that coming to New York with me instead of going to France to follow his dream is the biggest mistake he could make, then how can I be the only one capable of doing it? Johnny exaggerated…

I opened my eyes slowly, staring at the white ceiling of the room. Today is one week since the “discussion” I had with Matt. And he kept – or at least tried to keep – his word that we wouldn't talk that day, so he could think it over, but I simply didn't make it easy. On the contrary, I only made it more difficult.

Probably as soon as he had absorbed the information, – on the evening of the same day – Matt called me. I was in the kitchen when my cell phone rang on the coffee table in the living room, so I ran to check it. When I saw his name glowing on the screen, my heart squeezed. I stared at the display for so long that the phone stopped ringing, waking me up from my reveries. A message came soon after, telling me to call back as soon as possible.

I didn't call back. And it wasn't because I forgot, because I remembered it every second of my day. I think that at some point, Matthew realized that something was wrong, because he started calling me more frequently. His messages also came in piles, but all I could do was view them, because every time I opened the keyboard to type a reply, the words just disappeared.

Some might think that I am angry with him, but I am not. Not anymore. The only thing I feel is fear. I don't want Matt to give up his precious dreams to accompany me. To do this is like shooting myself in the foot, because there is no certainty at all that he will be able to settle down in New York, and he will still live in frustration, which will make me feel guilty forever. I also know that if I give up my dream to accompany him, he will end up feeling bad about it.

As I said, it is complicated. Even more so for the simple fact that we want to be together and we cannot. Well, being able to, we can, but we are not managing to align ourselves for that – or maybe I am not managing to align myself. Honestly, I don't even know anymore.

Two knocks at the door woke me up from my reveries. I stared at the dark wood, hoping that it would open and reveal the figure behind it. But it didn't, and a piece of paper folded in half slipped through the gap between the floor and the door into my room. I stared at the sheet of paper for a while and managed to muster a shred of strength to get up.

I dragged my body to the door and bent down, picking up the paper to read. I recognized at first who that handwriting belonged to: my father.

“Certain pains need to be felt to the fullest in order to overcome it and move on without resentment.”

That's what I told him when my mother died, and he was in a never-ending grief cycle. It's such a short sentence, right? But, it affected me in a terrifying way. I felt a chill run through my body and a heat hit my face. I closed my eyes, but the hot tears were faster and rolled down my cheeks.

Involuntarily, I opened the door and was surprised to find my father standing behind it, just waiting. I don't know if it was the look in his eyes or the fact that he was there, but I simply ran up and hugged him, burying my face in his chest. I let the tears flow out, not caring about anything else, while his hands patted my back, comforting me.

“I suppose we have a lot to talk about…” He laughed nasally, squeezing me in his embrace.

***

Matthew Jones

“You're very quiet. Say something!” Johnny insisted, raising his coffee cup to his mouth.

I looked away from my coffee to him, finally awakening from my reverie. What does he expect me to say after everything? That I am happy or more relieved? Because if I am, that would be impossible. To begin with, I didn't even want to leave the house, but Johnny was absurdly insistent that I come to a coffee shop with him. According to him, I needed to breathe a different air than in my apartment.

In part, I am sad for Johnny. I didn't know he lived such a rigid life. Apparently, not everyone can live the way they want and think is best. I, for instance, want to live next to the girl I like, but I can't because she won't let me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. Anastasia's arguments don't even make much sense. Although I love dancing, for her sake, I don't mind living for something else. I can find something useful to do in New York. It's huge there! It's not possible that there isn't anything that interests me…

This is taking away my night's sleep. At first, I thought that there was just a certain disconnect between the two of us, but after calling her at all possible times and having messages viewed, without even a response, I realized that I was running away. And this is killing me little by little, because I am afraid that she will make some decision that I don't even want to think about so as not to get into despair.

“Why don't you try talking to her instead of sitting there moping around, barely sleeping?” Johnny said, making me laugh out loud.

What does he think I am? That's the first thing I fucking tried! I've been calling her for literally seven days, day, noon and night, in addition to the thousand and one messages I've left. The only reason I haven't left a message on her voicemail is because I know how annoying that notification crap is. But, on the other hand, I understand that Johnny is just trying to help me somehow.

“I already tried.” I said with a sigh. “More times than you can imagine.” I laughed in mockery, bringing my coffee cup to my mouth.

“What about her?” He frowned. I swallowed the dark liquid, which ran down and finished bitterly inside me. I just shook my head in denial.

“Apparently she doesn't want to talk to me.” I shrugged.

“What the hell.” Johnny whined. “And you didn't even think about going to her house?”

“And you think she'd open the door for me?” I laughed out loud. “She doesn't even answer my messages! I doubt she wants to see me.”

“Maybe she just doesn't have the heart, huh?” She raised her eyebrow, making me roll my eyes. “You were making so many plans.”

“But I'm not going to France anymore.” I said boredly. “I'm going to New York. She wants it or not.”

“You're kidding, right?” Johnny shot me a look.

“No, I don't.” I rebutted. “She didn't expect me to accept this thing of following my dreams, did she?”

“And that's why she didn't want to tell you.” Johnny snorted, impatient.

“Do you know how many kilometers we are from each other?” I narrowed my eyes. “And with this rehearsal crap, and all the obligations and performances, it would be impossible for us to keep conversation to a minimum.”

“Man, Anastasia doesn't want you to give up your life for her.” He stared at me. “She wants to follow her own dream, just as she wants you to follow yours. If you really love each other, distance isn't going to change that.”

“Johnny, you don't understand.” I leaned back on the table, to talk a little closer. “I don't know if I can make my life work without her, man.”

“I understand that she's done a lot for you, including bringing you out of that bubble, but that's not justification enough.” He denied it. “You have to understand that you were not born together. With or without her, your life has to work out.”

I pulled my hair back, frustrated with myself. The fact that I had finally found some motivation to live and couldn't cling to it, because, just like me, she also has a life to live and dreams to conquer, simply makes me feel like an idiot. I don't want to stand in the way of the brilliant life Anastasia may have at the Bolshoi Dance Academy, but I don't want to stay away from her either. Not now – and not after, but if we could at least start life together, my heart would calm down a little.

“I’m an idiot.” I rest my face on my hands, sighing deeply. “Maybe I should pretend that I don't like her anymore, so I can break up with her without making her feel bad. Even if I rot inside, at least I'll feel better knowing that she has moved on.”

“Okay, you just made yourself look like an idiot and a complete asshole.” Johnny snorted, making me look at him. “Running away from your problems won't make them any less. On the contrary, it will bring pain and suffering.”

“And what do you want me to do?” I asked, already desperate and impatient, not knowing how to deal with this situation. Johnny sighed and smiled.

“There are three primary rules you must never forget.” He said simply. “The first rule is not to avoid your problems just because you don't know how to solve them.” He held up his thumb. “The second is not to act with a hot head.” He raised his middle finger as well. “You look like a lit match wandering around in the middle of flammable products. Acting in the heat of the moment will only make things worse.” He raised his eyebrows and I had to roll my eyes.

“Okay, okay…” I cut him off. “What about the last rule, Mr. Life Experience?” I scoffed.

“The third and final rule encompasses two others in it.” He warned, looking deep into my eyes. “There are three things in life you must never break: trust, promises and a heart.” He said simply, making me swallow hard and stare at the wooden table in the cafeteria. “Anastasia is already going through a big problem, which is having to choose between the dream of her life and the great love of her life. If you break up with her, besides breaking all the rules I said, you will make her worse off than she already is.”

“So, what should I do?” I stared at him, feeling lost.

“Here's what you’ll do.” He let out a long sigh. “Go home and use the end of this week to think about you and Anastasia. When you are calmer, talk to her.”

“What if I'm not calm until the day of the trip?” I clenched my jaw, thinking about the possibility of simply not going to France. Johnny pondered for a few seconds.

“Then I'll pack you up and send you to Pennsylvania.” He forced a smile, making me laugh.

I hate to make hard choices, because I never know what the best option will be. But, I hope I know how to choose this time…

***

Anastasia James

Sunday morning came with great weather. It was neither cold nor too hot, in other words, perfect. Or maybe it is me who is feeling good after so long. Talking to my father and exposing all my fears and worries was the smartest decision I could have made. He advised me – a lot – reassuring my heart.

I am not one to sit and wait for things to get better, but that is exactly what he told me to do. According to him, some things don't depend on us to get right, so there is no point in suffering for it. The only way is to wait – and that's what I did. I distracted myself like never before, and today I am feeling better. I even went for a run around the block!

When I came out of the bathroom, already showered and wearing clean clothes, I heard a loud laughter coming from my father's room, so I decided to see what it was. I knocked twice on the door and just put my head inside. He was lying on his bed, holding his cell phone in front of his face. As soon as he noticed my presence, he arched his eyebrows.

“Come here, daughter. I'm talking to your Uncle Robert.” I said, making a sign with my hand, indicating that I should come closer. I nodded and went inside, closing the door behind me. I walked over to the double bed and put my face close to my father's so that my uncle could see me.

“Hi, Uncle!” I waved, smiling broadly.

When we lived in Chicago, before my mother passed away, my uncle used to visit us, but in a very small way, i.e. only on long holidays, because he runs his own big dairy business. No wonder he always brought us some cheese to eat.

“What a beautiful girl, James! She looks a lot like Kristen.” I couldn't help but smile at my uncle's comment.

“And you have the same culinary skills as her, can you believe it?” He said, making me frown at him.

“Ana, are you also bad in the kitchen, dear? What a disaster!” He shook his head negatively. I huffed, but ended up laughing.

They got into another subject, which I don't understand, so I said goodbye to my uncle and left the room. We had practically just had coffee, so the dirty dishes were still on the table, so I decided to pick them up and take them to the sink. Since my father was well entertained by my uncle, I took the opportunity to wash those dishes. I barely touched the sponge and heard the doorbell ring.

I stared at the apartment door, surprised, but decided to go see who it was, after all, it could be some mail. I dried my hands on the jeans I was wearing and took a short jog to the entrance. As I opened the door, my smile narrowed slightly when I saw who it was.

My heart skipped a beat and I wanted to hug him tightly, but I couldn't tell exactly how we were doing, so I did nothing. Matt was wearing black jeans, a gray shirt, and on his feet, his famous black All Star. His hands were inside his pants pockets and there seemed to be a certain gleam in his eye. I couldn't decipher it, but I couldn't say anything either. I just stood there, paralyzed.

“May I come in?” He asked, and my body acted almost in automatic mode as I stepped to the side, giving him space.

When I realized that Matthew was in my living room, I woke up from my trance and closed the door, walking hurriedly over to him.

I moistened my lips, thinking about what I should say.

“How are you?” He asked, sitting down on the sofa in the living room. I stared at him, surprised.

He was very calm… But I don't know if that's a good thing. The last time he was this calm was when we had a fight, and I'm not sure I want to fight again for the same reason. I was so exhausted…

“I'm fine.” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

“You haven't answered my calls.” He commented, looking at a random point in front of him. “And you haven't even answered my messages.” He stared at me.

I tried to argue, but he interrupted me.

“I was worried.” He said with a sigh, leaving me speechless.

This was not my goal… I took a deep breath and approached him, sitting next to him on the sofa. We remained a few minutes in silence, until I spoke up.

“No.” I said, rubbing my hands on my legs to dry the sweat. “I didn't know what to say after all that…”

“It's okay.” Matt rested his hand on mine, giving it a little caress. “I can imagine that you were confused. But, don't worry, I'm only coming here because I've really thought about everything.”

“You have?” I stared at him, curious. Did he change his mind by thinking about it?

“Quite a bit.” He laughed faintly and stared at our hands. “Ana, you know I like you, right?” He stared at me, so I nodded. “I like you so much that it's ironic that we fought so much in the beginning. I guess it was karma.” He laughed nasally. “Or maybe you hypnotized me.” He narrowed his eyes at me, suspicious. I ended up laughing.

“I give you my word that I did no sorcery.” I raised my right hand, swearing. “If you hated me, rest assured that I hated you three times as much.”

“Did I?” He raised his eyebrows, offended.

“Don't get me wrong, I just didn't know you.” I rolled my eyes.

“Anyway…” He laughed nasally. “I really like you, and all I want most of all is to see you happy. So I wouldn't mind in the least giving up everything for you. If I had to move to the moon, I would go without blinking an eye!” He said firmly, making me a little apprehensive. Had he really changed his mind? “But, I didn't realize that this was the last thing you wanted…” He sighed, staring at his hands. “Actually, you never wanted that. From the beginning you always tried to hold me, even with all the thousand demons I carried around, and my reaction was always to push you away, because I was afraid. I didn't want to have someone like that around. Even though I had Johnny and all the rest of the guys, I didn't want to get attached and then have to forget everything.”

“You don't have to forget anything…” I said, holding his hand firmly.

“Yes, and I finally understood that.” He laughed nasally. “I really wanted to have you around. Whether in France or in New York, but after talking to Johnny and thinking a lot about it, no matter how cliché I am about to say now, what is meant to be yours will always be yours.” He stared at me. “We are in the same business, which is dance. If you somehow got out of Chicago and ended up in this backwater of Sturgis, why shouldn't there be a second chance for us to meet again?”

“The chances are very slim, but not impossible.” I nodded, after some thought.

“Just because it's not impossible, I can already get my hopes up.” He laughed, relaxed, making me smile.

“So, what did you decide?” I stared at him, nervous at his possible answer. Matthew looked into my eyes and raised his right hand to my face, smoothing my cheek.

“I'm not going to New York.” He said, and gave me a wry smile. “Even though it's hard to be so far away from each other, I think it's the best thing to do.” He sighed and moved his touch away from me. “Let's take a break from what… well, what hasn't even begun properly.” He laughed, even though he was visibly sad. “But if we should happen to run into each other, know that I won't hesitate a bit.” He warned. “We're going to date, and if you think it's bad, we'll even wear matching shirts!”

“My goodness!” I laughed, tilting my head back.

Personally, I'm a little surprised. I almost believed that we would be forced to move away so that we could move on with our lives, but Matt's attitude was more mature than I thought it could be.

I agree with the fact that it is bad to move away, but for the moment it is necessary. So, I will treat all of this as a short break. No hard feelings. And, if fate agrees, in some time, we will press play on what we started today.

“I will miss you.” I said with a sigh, resting my head on your shoulder.

“I'll miss you too.” Matt wrapped his arm around my body and placed a kiss on the top of my head. “But I'm looking forward to the day we meet again.”

“I look forward to it.”