Chapter 36 Grief

August 30, 2017

The next thing Elaine knew was the guy roughly grabbed the blouse she was wearing. She heard the buttons hit the floor. Her breathing was rugged. She wanted to fight him off and push him away, but she just couldn’t find her strength. The guy was immovable as he was still on top of her no matter how hard she pushed.

He landed a punch to her stomach when he got irritated with her crying and struggling. Elaine gasped, it was as if she ran out of air for a moment.

“Stop resisting, bitch!"

'Please...' she heard herself begging but wasn't sure if he heard her.

"This is what you get for turning your back on your father!” he snapped and grabbed at her hair from the back.

Elaine didn’t think about her aching scalp. She was more attuned to the excruciating pain from the hit in the belly and the truth of what he just said.

The betrayal, fear, and terror were suffocating her. What he said was true. Silver was insisting that she give him a huge amount of money. But she didn’t know that he owed that much. If she only knew it would come to this, she swallowed her pride and just asked for financial help from Tan.

Elaine opened her mouth to beg for mercy but there was no sound that came out of her mouth.

She wanted to ask for mercy, not for her sake but for the child, she was carrying. She could feel that sudden sharp pain in her stomach because of the blow. She was terrified of what could happen to her unborn baby.

Sobs and protests came out of her lips as the guy started attacking her with violent kisses on the neck, her face and shoulders. Every time his hands touched a part of her body, it was as if she was being buried and pulled in a never-ending nightmare she would never wake up from.

Her whole body was trembling, goosebumps all over. She wanted to scream, to ask for help, to be released, to be able to escape. But all she could muster was to tightly close her eyes and cry silently. She didn’t want to put her child in harm’s way. She won’t be able to take it if something bad happens to her baby.

She hasn’t even introduced the baby to her husband. She’d still give birth to her. Tan and her would rear their child together just as they planned...

Elaine’s life flashed before her eyes. Her almost perfect relationship with Tan, their seldom misunderstandings which they’d resolve later on.

Tan, please come. Save us, please. Save our child.

That was the miracle she kept praying quietly in the midst of her flowing tears. She knew he wouldn’t come. He was in the operating room, giving his everything to save lives. She and her baby, on the other hand, are fighting for their survival.

Just as Elaine thought it was impossible for someone to come and rescue her, there was a loud knock on the door. She felt him remove himself over her. Angrily he opened the door to whoever was on the other side of it.

“Boss, the police! They’re on the elevator already!”

The guy cursed. She heard the slamming of the door and their scrambling to run away to escape. In just a while, only Elaine’s sobs and groans can be heard throughout the cold room.

A few minutes later, some tall men stormed the room. Both were holding guns, ready to fire anytime. It was then when she felt the budding pain in her lower abdomen. The pain was sharper and worsening. Her vision and mind slowly started spinning. One of the two men stepped towards her. He immediately took off his jacket and covered her with it. He carefully scooped her up and carried her in his arms.

Elaine couldn’t stop crying, her tears kept flowing. Her eyes still blurry but she was hoping it was Tan who came.

“O-our child…” she managed to say which shortly surprised the guy who was carrying her.

She could feel his hold tightening. His breathing was getting heavier as if restraining to put her down for a while so he could chase down the guy who did it to her.

The man's mouth opened to say something. But before she could hear his reply, she passed out.

ELAINE suddenly overturned. She squeezed herself to the headboard panting. Blurred images from her nightmares were returning and it was scaring the hell out of her again. she looked around her surroundings. She was in a hospital based on the bed and the white paint on the walls.

The door of the hospital suite opened. A tall guy who is probably in his late forties entered. She looked away. She hugged herself and suddenly felt inexplicable fear and nervousness because of his presence.

“How do you feel?” he gently asked her.

She didn’t answer. She kept her head down.

“I’m a policeman. Don’t be scared. My name is Ralph. It was me and my nephew who rescued you the other night.”

Elaine stilled. Something snatched at her chest.

“We were in the area when my nephew received a tip from a concerned citizen,” he continued. “We didn’t recover any of your things so we couldn’t contact your family. You may call them later to let them know.”

She shook her head. How could she?

The police cleared his throat. He took out a booklet from his pant’s back pocket.“I know this isn’t the right time, hija, and you are still grieving. But it is part of my job as a policeman to get your statement about what happened. Do you know who did this to you?”

Elaine raised her head. She was confused. In all the things he told her, one word stood out in her mind. Grieving.

Ralph was stunned when he stared at her and saw the colour on her face disappear.

No. Not my child.

Elaine was already bleeding when she was brought to the hospital by the men who saved her. She slept for two days straight just to wake up to another nightmare she didn’t expect. Her baby was gone. According to the doctor, it might be due to stress that’s why the baby let go of its weak hold inside her.

She couldn’t get a hold of herself. Just the other day, she was religiously taking her prescribed vitamins from the ob-gyne. She read three bedtime stories to her baby while gently caressing her flat stomach.

Elaine couldn’t bring herself to cry even though her chest felt so heavy. She felt numb from the pain. Inside the bathroom, she tried hurting herself hoping that would lessen the pain and guilt.

Death would have felt better. The emotional damage was now irreparable. She just wanted to sleep and never wake to end it all.

There was no point in living anymore. Why should she wake up in the morning if upon opening her eyes, it’s just another nightmare waiting for her?

The doctor sedated Elaine to prevent her from harming herself more. She already has a deep wound on her chest because she scratched herself. Odd, she didn’t feel anything. She must have started to embrace the pain to protect herself from the truth that’s too painful for her to bear.

Losing her child was like losing her life and everything. She felt hopeless as if life wasn’t worth living anymore. It was as if someone robbed her heart and soul and she would never be compensated forever.

She could not face the unspeakable horror of sexual assault or how bad the trauma left her. She felt awfully sick and disgusted with herself. She kept believing she was damaged from inside and out.

She believed she was strong and can defend herself her whole life. She always fights for her oppressed friends before. But why couldn’t she do it for herself? Why was she like some fool who couldn’t defend herself, her own child?

The next day, Elaine was surprisingly quieter and calmer. As much as her heart could take, she buried the excruciating flow of agony deep in her heart.

She called Drew to pick her up from the hospital. She couldn’t stay there for long. The investigator would be back to get her statement. It had been four days but she hasn’t given her statement and filed a complaint and blotter.

Elaine decided to keep the secret with her forever. She didn’t even give her real name to the police. She didn’t want to drag the clean and respected family name of the De Marcos into this mess because of her. Tan might not be able to accept her. She already owes him big time because of her lies and her faults.

More than anything, she is scared of her husband’s would-be reaction once he finds out the truth. Her pitying herself was enough. She doesn’t need even a small amount of it coming from Tan.

September 2, 2017

Parañaque City

Bettina’s forehead wrinkled when she saw her. Elaine had a duffle bag with her. Her mother’s eyes quickly landed on her stuff when she opened the door for her.

She stepped inside the house, ignoring the obvious inquisitive look on her mother’s face. She asked Drew to drop her off at her mother’s place when she picked her up at the hospital. Drew went ahead for the taxi was waiting.

Bettina followed her as she went straight to the room she used to occupy. It was small compared to her comfortable and wide room shared with Tan.

Elaine looked around. She was not a bit surprised when she realized she didn’t miss anything from the tiny room unlike their room in the mansion. She misses every corner of it. Even the soft noise of the air conditioner and the sound of the built-in cabinet door every time you open it.

She loved the smell of their room. It’s a mixture of the smell of the expensive perfume, Tan's aftershave and natural scent.

But now, just the thought of it brings her fear. After the assault, she was having a hard time trusting anyone. Now she hated the thought of being close to men. Unfortunately, maybe even his husband who didn’t give her anything but respect and love.

Tan’s sweet embrace from the back. His light and gentle kiss on her forehead and the top of her head. She felt as if she would burn if his hand would touch her skin.

Just thinking about it, gives Elaine goosebumps. She was attacked with unexplainable fear and disgust for herself more than others.

Elaine put down her duffel bag on the floor. She sat on the side of the bed.

“I’ll stay here, mom. So I get to look after you as well.”

Bettina stood straight. Unconvinced by her reason.

“Did you have a fight with your husband, and leaving is your solution? You have a family now, Elaine. You are not a child anymore who can run back to your mother when you have disagreements. Go home and talk about it.”

Elaine took a deep breath.“I’m leaving him,” she said softly.

Bettina breathed in surprise. “What kind of foolishness is that? You’re not even a year married? Does he have another woman? Did he hurt you? Did he even know that you’re pregnant?”

Elaine closed her eyes tightly. The last four words stuck in her head. She closed her lips. She felt her stomach turning, She closed her fists by her side to stop the impending overflow of emotions in her chest with the thought of her child.

Bettina went near her. Got her bag, then held her hand and pulled her to stand.

“I’m already dying, and you still want to give me more problems! Your life is already good over there, right? Fix yourself. Go home and talk with Tan!”

Elaine closed her eyes. She removed her mother's hand, but Bettina still caught it and almost dragged her out of the house. Elaine broke down.

“I was almost raped, Mama! Father used me as payment for his debt. My baby is gone! I failed to take care of my child! I’m a worthless mother! I’m dirty and useless!”

For the first time, Elaine chose to release all the pain and resentment she’s been carrying all alone for weeks, in front of her mother, who she thought didn’t love her one bit.

Bettina was stuck to the ground. Every emotion alternately registered on her face. Then, she suddenly let go of her hand, stared at her, tears also streaming on her face.

"What... did you say?"

===END OF FLASHBACK===