Chapter 16
As always, when Kahin Hamann intrudes in my life, it becomes chaotic and extremely stressful and I was forced to flee away from him and from all the possible places that I can find him. For me, they are all unfortunate. Whenever I go out, I meet him and his little wife who is always nice to me.
"Mama come on we must go," I smile at my mother. In this week that I have been by her side and I have accompanied her to the psychologist, I see her much better. I must thank Randon very much for having looked for me and bringing me here, mom is changing her way of seeing things, but whenever she looks at my son her gaze changes, she has not wanted to tell me, but I know that it affects her a lot having made that mistake from a few years ago.
"I'll carry the baby," she holds out her hands and I smile.
“Okay mom, I'll take the suitcases,” I handover my son who is becoming more impossible every day to her, I cannot deny the total resemblance he has with his father.
“My beautiful child,” my mother kisses him on the forehead, “let's go, I want to get home, these 3 days were great.” To flee from Kahin and his wife, I decided to come to Coclé in the Anton Valley. I rented a cabin and they were days of peace, now I must return to reality, the one that drives me more crazy every day. With my mother and my son, we go to mother's car. I will drive, it is something that makes me feel sorry for how slow I drive, but I know that this way we are safer.
“Mama, I arrived a week and several days ago, you haven't told me about what happened, I didn't want to ask you while we were in Coclé because that was an escape to forget everything. But don't you think your daughter needs to know exactly what is wrong with you?” I hear my mother sigh, I look at her in the rearview mirror and I can see how he looks at my baby.
“Guilt daughter, guilt for having hurt a man who did not deserve it, conscience for killing a being who was not guilty of anything, guilt for having hidden something that hurt you and guilt for having lost my only daughter, my only family.” I keep my eyes fixed on the road, I do not deny her reasons, she must feel very guilty, but letting herself die or trying to do it were not the right way to face everything, “I wanted to explain to you at the time, I wanted to but I didn’t know to make you listen to my explanation and I know you can’t leave Kahin. He is the love of your life.”
I smile at what he says, "indeed mom. He is the love of my life and will be forever, but I no longer feel the same for him, I can't be with the man who got my mother pregnant. Don't you realize what people would think?” I clench my fist on the steering wheel so hard that the blood stops flowing through my fingers.
"What people Marilí? Nobody knows about that past, only those involved and that's it. He didn't fuck me, he just ejaculated in me,” my mother growls somewhat desperately, “Olethea, I know this sounds crazy, but the truth is that there wasn't something between us that we could regret, at least he didn't…”
Looking at her in the rearview mirror with the hard expression on her face and how she tightened her jaw, the words came out almost by force, “it's enough that I know it mom, there was something big and you know it, you got pregnant for the father of my child,” I almost shouted that last part.
"Your concern here is what they will say. No one supports you, no one can tell you what to do or what not to do with your life, no one can point you out darling. We are in a world that if you listen and look at what people want we are screwed, because in this world they give you advice to do what they want, but not to see you happy. You are hurt and I understand it, that it even disgusts you to be with the man who ejaculated inside your mother and yes, I say ejaculate because we did not fuck, I understand. What does not fit in my head is how my daughter who is so strong and knows how to turn any situation to her advantage is letting herself be carried away by something as silly as ‘they will say’,” contracting her face almost with hatred, she looked at the road.
“I asked you about yourself, not about that stupid problem, I worry about you, not about what you want me to do, I want to know how you felt before and how you feel now, I don't want to talk about Kahin because just like he has, I have new and important people in my life too,” I know I'm talking rudely to her, but I can't allow her to want to patch up what she did to Kahin by trying to get me to find him. Don't she realize he already has his damn life made up?
“I'm sorry my girl, I was a fool, I'm sorry,” my mother's broken voice makes me regret my words, “it's just that you're making the same mistake as me, your son has a father and yet you've given him another. He deserves to be with his real father.”
Giving an extremely loud sigh in a sharp voice I say to her, “father is the one who breeds, not the one who begets. I'm sick of you guys saying that I gave my son another father. Damn, you don't think about other possibilities! I'm very hurt by all this shit and no mom,” I interrupt her before she speaks, “I don't want to talk anymore, I'm still seeing for myself that you're fine, I'm glad that you're evolving successfully. Of course, in a month I will return to Italy and you are coming with me because I am not going to return to Panama again, do you understand?”
My mother's silence indicates surprise, never in my life had I spoken to her like this, not until I realized her betrayal, “my daughter," she whispers, "the way you talk to me hurts, you weren't like this before. You were sweet and you always forgiving," not wanting to feel guilty, I did not answer her.
