Chapter 47

The days go by and it is a damn hell, I already lost my essence, I no longer know who I am, it is clear that I lost all happiness, all wit and all intelligence.

I am letting my problems take place in my life and I am not knowing how to master them. Kahin is more and more away from me, he just works, and it doesn't matter that he is at home, he does the same. But why not? Who wants to be with a woman who does not control herself and who screams and gets angry for everything? I'm being a bad mother, a bad woman and a bad daughter, the last two don't hurt like the first. I feel the worst not to think of my son when I get those impulses that lead me to do stupid things. I am raising my son in an environment that I did not want and the worst thing is that I am the one who has the environment like that.

Many things are happening in my life and I no longer know how to deal with them.

“But Kahin, you can't deny me coming out, for the love of the highest I'm an adult and pregnant woman. Don't forget why I left your side once, and believe me I wouldn't mind leaving again,” I watch them from a distance, Kahin doesn't speak to me and I don't think it's wise to interfere.

"You are about to give birth Lucelia. What are you going to do on the street at this early hour?” She looks at me for my help but I looked away, I don't want Kahin to be angry with me anymore. I focus on my son.

"I'll go out with Marilí, we'll do some things, you don't have to know exactly where we're going, we're not your daughter. You already have me fed up with that control that you always have, remember that I have never allowed you to control my life and this will not be the exception,” she looks at me again, “come on Marilí, we are running late.” Taking my son's bag I hasten to follow her. As I passed Kahin I look at him, but I receive a cold look from him, that hurts me.

"When are we going to fix things?" I ask without enduring the rift that I opened between us.

"When you realize what you did. Marilí, you came to my work and broke into a meeting and caused a disturbance by confusion. I no longer know who you are, you are no longer that woman who complemented me, you are no longer that woman I admired, I do not know you,” he gives the baby a kiss, “and what hurts me the most about all this is that I don't know how to help you because I lose control too,” he said this, moves away from me to leave the house. Swallowing my tears I go on my way. At what point did I get lost? That's the question I've asked myself since I did that stupid thing. Jealousy and impulsiveness are new to me and I don't know how to deal with them.

"Everything okay?" Lucy asks once we're in the car. I shake my head without saying anything, my nerves do not allow me to think clearly. I put the car in gear and go to my mother's house, she will take care of the baby.

“They have arrived!” My mother comes out to greet us, “my daughter, you have a bad face. Those dark circles? But have you seen yourself? You're pale!” I smile looking at her, “is everything okay with Kahin?” I smile more, at least that defense mechanism I didn't lose.

“Everything is fine mom, you calm down,” nobody knows what I'm really going through, Lucy only knows that Kahin and I argue but until then, nobody knows the hell my relationship goes through, “mom take good care of him, I'll try not to delay okay?” My mother takes my brown in her arms and throws the bag over her shoulder.

“All right daughter but go to a clinic, you are horrible,” she kisses me on the forehead, I know why she does that, she is checking if I have a fever, “Lucy darling, I already want to meet that baby,” my mother approaches her passenger door. I'm going to my side.

“Quiet Camilla, it will be this week, the doctor already told me that it was not happening nor wanting to,” the two laugh and I with them.

"Well mamma, take care of yourself and my son, we will spend the afternoon with you. I love you,” my mother waves goodbye. "He's already waiting for us," I look at Lucelia out of the corner of my eye, "Lucelia, you must promise me that you'll be strong. It is not my habit to take things out and throw them in the face, but you have been the one who wanted to continue with this, if everything goes wrong, you just have to accept it okay?” I stare at the road.

"I know, I know and believe me, I'll try. Is this what makes you so sad?"

I just smile, “let's say that it takes the great part,” when arriving and entering the place we see my sun, he as always smiling and with the spirits through the clouds.

"My precious ones have arrived,” he hugs us and kisses our heads. I don't understand how he can be so calm knowing what we're here for, “come on, we have to wait a bit,” he guides us through a room until we reach a waiting area.

"Are you okay?" My sun asks me.

Incredulous but laughing I look at him, “how can you ask something stupid like that Francesco?" My smile turns into a grimace.

“I hate that you're like this and you know it, you must be calm okay?” He smiles at me and I just nod, “things will work out, I'm sure of that, there is only time and that's all,” I hate that he knows me so much.

"When is your turn?" Lucelia asks with a trembling tone of voice, my sun smiles tenderly and kisses her forehead.

“After the person inside comes out.”

An auxiliary comes out, “Francesco Leone.”

“You see? It's my turn,” he kisses us on the head again and leaves. I take Lucelia's hand and press it.

"Damn I'm sorry for the delay, Panama is crazy and the traffic is different,” Fatima, who is the strongest and was always by my side in Italy at times like this, sits in the middle of Lucy and me to give us strength, “has he entered?”