I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM

I held Charles' hand. Even if he doesn't speak and just stares at me I know he understands me. I feel so sorry for him especially now that his whole body is full of devices. He is also on oxygen to support his breathing because his oxygen level is dropping.

"You'll be fine, won't you?" I started as if he could answer me even without a word coming out of his mouth. I know he understood me.

I missed his laughter and tenderness so much.

"Isn't it Charles, no matter what happens you won't leave me?" I asked while holding her hand and kissing it. "I've lost everything and I can't get my old life back, I traded them all for you because I knew I would sympathize with you. So please don't leave me because I don't know how to live if I lose you." Then I put my head on his stomach and there I cried and cried.

When the tragedy that changed my life happened to me, I lost all hope. I feel like I want to die and I want to end the nightmare I am going through. I had no sympathy because Asher was not there and I was also afraid to tell him the truth and he might blame me or himself.

Until Charles came to me so I was encouraged. It hurt but I tried to fight back. because of his arrival, my world had color again. Even though I couldn't talk to him at that time, I knew that we already sympathized with each other. So even when I left Asher I became complacent that no matter what happened I would pass all the trials because of Charles. But I never thought this would happen to him.

"Ashley, Charles' doctor is here and he wants to talk to you." I stood up and immediately wiped away the tears then face the doctor.

"Good day," I greeted him.

"Good day to you too miss Lewis," he also greeted me. "Can we talk privately?" he asked me.

"About what?" I asked in surprise because I felt like the news he was going to say was not good.

"It's about your son," he replied then looked at Charles. So, my heart beat faster.

"Is there any problem with him? Isn't his operation ok?" I tried to calm myself down even though the truth was that I started crying again even though I tried not to.

The doctor looked at Magda first so the girl got what the doctor wanted to indicate. When nana and I were the only ones left with the doctor, the doctor sighed before speaking.

"I'll be honest with you so please calm down, the operation might be successful, but it doesn't mean he's safe," he began.

"What did you say? That the operation is not enough to say that he is going to be fine?"

"We fixed his heart, but the other complications got worse. There was a part of the tube in his heart that could not be moved because the time we touch it, it could possibly explode and cause his immediate death. I can explain it to you properly when you pass by my office. "

I don’t need a long explanation. Because whatever twists and turns he said meant only one thing when he said it today.

Death.

I could lose Charles.

"So I've wasted a million for nothing?" I ask.

"You've gambled million to extend his life."

I just sat because of what I heard. Did that mean my suffering at Asher’s hands is wasted?

Did I waste all my hard work?

All the sacrifices I made are useless because he would leave me too?

"Until when?" I cried while asking. "How long can I be with him?"

"Not too long." I was even more discouraged by the doctor's answer to me. "I'm sorry, I'm just a doctor and my ability to heal is limited because, I'm not in control of life and only God can work a miracle for him," he added.

"Nana," I called to nana while crying so she hugged me and caressed my back.

"Shhh! Don't be discouraged, God is merciful and he won't forsake us." Nana looked at the doctor and then asked. "What can we do?" she asked.

"All I can say, please spend your time with him as much as you can cause we don't know what will happen next," the doctor then informed us.

'It's my fault so he's like that.'

"Nana, what am I going to do?"

"We have nothing else to cling to right now but to pray."

Pray?

When was the last time I prayed?

How to pray and what does it mean?

Asher told me back then, prayer is talking to God. Does it mean that even if I hate God and blame him for what happened in my life, It's still called prayer?

I did not realize that I was inside the chapel of this hospital while facing the crucifix of Jesus.

"You're God, aren't you?" I asked the crucifix while crying.

"Why did you let all this happen to me? Are you punishing me because I never talked to you so this is your way of approaching me?" I don’t care what I say anymore because I just want to bring out everything inside me.

"They say God is for everyone and willing to help those in need. If so, where were you during the times I was having a hard time? During the times I fought alone. Why didn't you help me and you didn't guide me? Why you didn't protect me when I was doomed? Why did you leave me and let me lose everything? "

"Why?!"

"Then now you will take him from me, you have nothing left for me. You just took everything, why don't you just kill me?!" I shouted then knelt down and started crying.

"Don't take him, if you really care, I'm begging you please don't take my son. Don't take him from me. Please have mercy even now, even now just listen to me and give in. I can't stand it when I lose him. I don't know what to do if he disappears. "

"He's the only one I have, he's the only one I left. Are you going to take him too? If you want to hurt me and torture me like a pity, don't do it this way."

"Ashley." I looked up at the hold on the shoulder. "We can't question Him, Ashley. Everything has a reason why this happened to you and Charles. Maybe it's for your own good. We're only human and we have to follow His plans and trust Him because His plan for us is better than our plan for ourselves. "

"Nana."

"As long as you see and have Charles by your side you will continue to be hurt by the past. Maybe this is the right time for you to go back to Asher and get started. Confess everything to him because he will surely accept you because he loves you. Maybe God would take Charles so that he could rest as well. He's tired, he shouldn't have experienced this kind of suffering so let him go. "

"What will gonna happen to me, Nana?"

"We're here, I'm here and you sympathize with whatever happens." I couldn’t hold back my tears especially continuing to cry. I didn’t know what exactly I should do. I feel sorry for myself and Charles. I don't want to lose him to me but I also don't want to see him struggling.