66. The Arrangement

Arjun’s PoV

I dropped her in the working women’s hostel that she wanted to stay in with all her belongings. I even helped her carry things to the room that was on the second floor. It was a very small room with an attached bathroom. The manager of the hostel said that they provide breakfast and dinner. Usually nobody will be available for lunch except for a few ladies who work in night shifts. They would have their lunch outside.

“Thank you, Arjun. I will take it from here. Call me when you fix an appointment with the doctor. I will be ready.” She said to me.

I had nothing to say to her. All my heart ached like it is going to stop working any second now. I nodded my head and gave her a debit card of mine for her use.

“No thank you, Arjun. I can manage. The person that you have introduced me to, gave me an advance for my work. You had got me enough materials already that would last for this month.” She declined the card. I tried to give the room rent or atleast advance for the room but she declined that as well.

“I sold my bangles, Arjun. I have enough money.” She wants me to be out of her life, she wants to be completely independent. Is life that easy? You like it, get on with it and if you don't like it, just get out of it? Where do feelings and emotions come in?

I turned back to the farm house defeated, thinking about her argument that completely shut me up. She looked hell tired when I saw her in the farm house. Her eyes were droopy and traces of crying were very evident in her face. Her nose was red and her eyes were swollen from all the crying. I only noticed this visible change in her face only when she gave me back the divorce papers signed. Her face was void of any emotions and her voice held no remorse.

But instead of anger, I felt broken inside to see her in that state. I love her. I love her like an idiot. I could not see her like this.

“No, Arjun. You have enough proof to paint me in the wrong colors. I am afraid that my parents will never take me back in if I go back to them. I have to thank you for giving me an opportunity to make money out of this jewelry I am making. I also have to thank you for uplifting my family from poverty. I should thank you for shining a bright light in my brother’s future. I can't thank you enough for saving my dad’s life and taking good care of him until now. You never changed your demeanor to them even after all the disputes and misunderstandings we had. That is you, Arjun. You are a good man. I love you for that. But you are a terrible man to live with. You see only what you want to see. You are refusing to see through my eyes. I don't blame you. That is how society has trained our eyes. I am not going to cut ties with you. I need to breathe fresh air. I am tired of being crushed under your eyes. You have done more than I could ask for. I will try to repay you until I breathe my last breath. But to give you a healthy baby, I need to be far away from you. I need to have better mental health which I would only get if I am alone in my own place. I agree to go to your doctor for all my checkups and you can accompany me every time. I want to be a mother for my baby, Arjun. We can try and be friends to raise our kid together. I will not interfere in your personal life. Think about it, please.” She spoke long but she said every word with precision and determination. She never lowered her eyes or trembled in between. That was how confident she was.

Her mental health is important. I agree with that. If she needs to be alone, without my presence, I can stay away from her. But the fact that she feels suffocated in my presence is making my heart bleed. I wanted to tell her that she can stay here and I will never come here or bother her but I knew she was determined to go to that place she mentioned. So I restrained myself from telling anything.

She tells me that if things are not going to work out between us, we should move out and move on in our ways. That is true. Instead of being together and hurting each other, we can separate our ways and can even establish a tolerable friendship, instead of a situation where we can't stand the other person.

I kind of feel stupid for all my actions now. I knew she was in love before marriage. I could have stopped it but I didn't. Her boyfriend came to me to let her go. I could have let her go but my ego was hurt then that I opted to keep her for myself. My hurt ego transformed into blind rage and a stupid I am, I wanted to punish her. Preethi gave me proof that she is still talking to her boyfriend. I could have let her go atleast then but I was so weak on lust that I tried to have sex with her again.

And for all my actions I don't have any justification except that I love her like crazy. Even after knowing that she doesn’t love me, I wanted to keep her to myself. I wanted to own her. But now I know that is not how love works. Love should liberate you, not put you in a cage. It is too late for me to realize it now as she already felt crushed under my eyes. For every word she said, my heart felt heavy. I cannot expect her to reciprocate my love. Love lives when there is no expectation. For my love to live, I should kill my expectations and set her free from my heart.

I gave her the divorce papers first without showing any emotions to her but I could not take it when she did the same. Above all, she is still talking with her head held high, as if she made no mistake, even after I caught her red-handed. This hurts my ego more than anything. She could be void of emotions when she made all the mistakes and I got hurt and wounded when all I did was to fall in love with her. How is that fair?

I now know that she is not in my league. I should let her go to live her life. I cannot suffocate her more by trying to make her stay in this relationship. All I want now is my baby. I am not going to make the mistake of marrying again in this damn life. I will live for my baby. I don't want my baby to live without the love of a mother. So, all I have to do now is to comply with what she said. Let her live in her comfort, try to keep her healthy, make an arrangement to take care of the baby together. And maybe the lack of expectation will develop a friendship between us. Who knows? Maybe I am not destined for a love life, maybe I am supposed to be a well-wisher for her like that stalker I am to her.

“Alright, you can stay wherever you like.” I told her.

“Thank you, Arjun. If you want to tell our parents that we are separating now, I am fine. Or if you want to let them know about this later, I am fine with that too. About the pregnancy, I think we should let them all know after the scan. This baby is their joy too. It is wrong to keep it from them.” She said with a little voice.

“We shall talk about our dispute to them after the baby is born. I don't want them to lose their joy with this news. But if we tell them that you are pregnant, they will want you to come back home. How would you deny that?”

“I will make sure that they will leave us alone for seven months. We shall make them think that we are staying here in the farm house. If they want to visit us, I will come here to make them believe.”

“Ok!” I helped her load all her belongings into the car.

“Arjun, I am so sorry.” She said to me when we were on the way to the hostel.

I looked at her plain. I have no idea why she is apologizing to me now.

“I shouldn't have talked about Anamika. When I blamed you that you refused to see through my eyes, I realized that I did the same to you. I don't really know what is going on between you two. I just assumed things and said all stupid things. I am really sorry.”

“It is ok. No problem.” I said not knowing how to react to this. I am more than angry that she thought that I was cheating on her. But now she accepts that was wrong of her and apologizes for it. Should I apologize to her as well? I don't know what is going on between her and Arun. It seems like it is my assumption that she is cheating on me with Arun. Could that be the truth? With her body language, I can tell that she has no remorse or guilt. In my experience, this can imply two extremes, one, she doesn't do anything to feel remorse, two, she is used to making mistakes and no longer feels guilty for it. Which category does she fall in?

She is an arrogant woman. She insulted me more than once even though she knew it was wrong of her but she did it anyway. She did feel bad for it and tried to make it straight. But why did she try to make it right? Because she needed me to get a job for herself. Whatever she did, she did for a favorable outcome for her. She is a very calculative woman. Does that mean she is bad? No, she is a very kind woman. She is not cunning. I cannot put her in the number two category even though my mind tells me to.

“Arjun,I have a request.” She spoke again, placing her hand on mine.

“Tell me.” I looked at her and her hand. I love that warmth her hand gives my heart.

“Can you please forget about Arun when you talk to me? From now on, can we please not talk like enemies? I will share good things with you. You do the same. I need moral support, Arjun. I want it to be you instead of someone else. I can talk to my mom and your mom and your sister. I can talk to my friend. But I am not yet ready to tell them everything. Since we both know our situation, I think we can be the cure to our wounds as well. Let's forget that we are married. Please, Arjun?” She asked me with a little tilt to her head. Can someone look cute at this point of time? I agreed to her with a little nod and flipped my palm to hold her hand.

It is very weird that I feel more connected to her when she is moving apart from me.