67. Anamika’s Revelation!

Anamika’s PoV

This treatment is taking a toll on my physical and mental health. Numerous hormone injections and surgeries are being performed on me in regular intervals of time. The pain and fear of its output is making me feel like a cat on the wall. Even though I have given my heartfelt consent for this procedure, I still think otherwise. This whole idea is just overwhelming for me. I am going to get a new life where I can be myself. That alien feeling with myself is going to disappear but how will I present myself henceforth?

I have to go to counseling almost everyday to keep my mental health at check. My counselor always asks me if I am happy. How can I answer her when I am completely bipolar about it? When I voice out my concerns, she says that it is very common for people who go through this procedure to feel unsure and 99% of the people who got this procedure done are satisfied and happy about it. I know, this is a complete blessing for me. I should thank Arjun for this. This would just be a dream if not for him.

Everytime I am given testosterone, everytime I am taken to a surgery, everytime I am given counseling, everytime I look at myself, everytime I feel the change in my body, it all takes me back to him. He is spending in lakhs for me. I couldn't even believe that he is doing this for me. I mean, why would he want to help a person who gave him nothing but heartaches and humiliation? He is no less than a god to me if not above.

Yes, I am undergoing gender affirmation surgery and other related procedures to transform myself into a MAN. I have been suffering from Gender Dysphoria all my life. I have always felt like I am trapped in the wrong body. When I hit my puberty, I realized that I didn't like it and hated the changes it gave to my body. I felt more boyish and avoided being friends with girls. But the fear of my family and society made me keep myself away from boys too. I wanted to feel more like a boy and started participating in every sport in school. The monthly periods gave me immense pain that stopped me from my sport activities for those days and my hate towards my body kept growing at an alarming rate at this time.

I hated wearing very girly clothes and I secretly would try on my dad’s clothes. But the society we live in demanded a perfect girl out of me. My mom would always correct me for my ways, she would always make me wear traditional outfits, she was very strict with me that she even stopped me from my sports activities telling me that they are for boys. I wanted to scream out that I don't like to be your perfect girl. But I couldn't do it.

I wanted to run away many times during college but never found that courage to do so. When I felt there is no way out and I just have to accept this body and life and kill my inner-self, I wanted to take my life. But again, I could not gather that strength or courage to do it either. Just after I finished college, my dad came to me with Arjun’s photo. He said that I am to marry him. I felt trapped and cried profusely but without anybody knowing.

The built up stress and fear pushed me inside my shell and I refused to talk to anyone but no one noticed the change in me. When Arjun spoke to me, I wanted to tell him that I am not ‘the girl’ that he is looking for but again, I was not brave enough to come out as a transgender. I knew no one would take it in the right sense. When Arjun sent me the birthday gifts and spoke to me on phone, I felt more comfortable with him. My mind told me that in no way I am going to come out as a man or kill myself and Arjun seemed like a very nice man. I thought, maybe I will live with him for the rest of my life just like I lived as a perfect girl until now.

I went on with the wedding but soon after the wedding, I was so scared for the wedding night. I knew it is impossible to have sex with him once after he started touching me on our first night. I wanted to shout at him to not touch me but soon after he realized that I am not comfortable, he withdrew himself. That gentleman he is, he gave me time to settle myself. I tried hard to be his wife but the more I tried the more disgusted I got on my body. The mere idea of me having sex with a man was making me gag at the thought.

I felt very guilty everytime he approached me for sex. He is a very unusual man and maintained his gentleness until the last day I went my own way. I really liked him back then but as a friend. If at all I was a man, I would for sure be his best friend. I wanted to come clean with him but I felt intimidated by the society. Arjun is a very nice man, but how can I guess what his reaction would be if I tell him this after three months of our wedding? He may get mad at me and my parents for deceiving him. He may expose me to everyone. My parents would die out of humiliation, if not, they would never take me in. Fearing for myself and my family, I put on the act, even though I knew I was spoiling the life of a good man. I was so selfish at that point.

Months later, Arjun stopped expecting sex from me. We started living as friends, more like roommates. I took very good care of his needs except for sex as a compensation for my deception. I took care of everyone in the house. I loved everyone with my whole heart. He eventually reduced talking to me, he would often try to make conversations with me, but he was just as awkward as me in talking. He would often take me to meet Preethi, his friend. She was a beautiful girl full of life. Whenever I was with her, I saw her talk very highly of Arjun that increased the guilt feeling inside of me. I saw her baby girl who was three years old at the time and thought that Arjun needs someone like her to live his life.

The more I spent time with Preethi, the more I started feeling to move out of Arjun’s life. Preethi started asking me about our personal life and our plans for the baby. I would struggle to answer her everytime and eventually as we grew closer, I told her that I am not comfortable in sex with Arjun. Even then I was not ready to tell her that I feel more like a man than a woman. I was starting to like Preethi and the time I spent with her at that point. I felt more like a man when I started admiring Preethi more than necessary. Developing feelings over a married woman is completely wrong and only then I decided to flee.

I knew very well that I cannot divorce Arjun and go to my parents’ place. I need a strong reason to do that. Even if I had a strong reason, my parents would never approve a divorce, instead they would want me to adjust myself and live on. Above all, I didn't want to put Arjun in more agony by framing something that is not there. Also, I cannot say that I am a transgender. The only way out, I thought at the time was to run away. I didn't want Arjun’s family to get into any trouble so I went to my home and fled from there.

It was just three weeks before our first wedding anniversary, I told Arjun that I wanted to see my parents. I wanted to go alone but he insisted that he would come along. He asked me what is bothering me and I wanted to tell him that I will never bother him anymore but I restrained myself for the last time and said goodbye to him. I left all my belongings in my parents’ place and just took some money and walked out of my house after my mom and dad slept that night.

Our house was near our production unit which is not a residential area that gave me the advantage of leaving without anybody seeing me leave. I walked more than three hours to the railway station, as I didn't want to hire a vehicle that could trace me. I boarded the first train that went to Maharashtra and helped myself with a nice room in a place where there are more Tamil people. I had a hair cut and started dressing like a man as soon as I settled myself in that new place. I felt like I was finally breathing fresh air.

With the help of my neighbors, I got a sales person job at a store and I started to live my life as a free spirit. For more than a year, I never thought about my previous life or my parents. But soon, the lonely life started to haunt me. I kept thinking about my parents and wondered how they were handling my absence. I wanted to go back and see them all but I was so scared to do that. I felt very low about myself and knew for sure they would never accept me. The very freedom I was seeking started to feel bitter every passing day without no one to actually share my life with.

Even though I tried hard to hide my girly appearance, men never stopped coming after me. It was getting very hard for me to drive them away. I just then realized the strength a family can give you at times like this. There was no drain for my emotions which drastically affected my mental and physical health. The pent up feelings pushed me to the brink of depression that I started to spend my time more in a nearby orphanage. I was slowly finding my life’s purpose by doing services to the orphanage in my free time when I met Manpreet Kaur. She is a teacher in the orphanage. A beautiful woman with a beautiful soul. The more I got close to her the more the feeling got intense. I knew she would never see me in other ways as I was a woman to her and that started to hurt me more.

I stopped visiting the orphanage and felt like taking my life out again. But then I stopped, I was in bounds at first and thought of killing myself. Now, I have no one to question me and with full freedom and yet I want to kill myself. It is not my fault that I feel this way but it is this society’s fault that makes it so difficult for people like me to live like other men or women. I then decided to come out as a transgender to everyone I know of. What should I be afraid of here? I don't want their approval of who I am. Some took it just like that and some looked at me in different eyes. Some took a great leap and supported me. I truly felt like living for the very first time in my whole life when I told everyone of who I really am.

I even told Manpreet that I am a transgender and I had feelings on her. She never said a word. She just went away. Though it hurt me, it also gave me a feeling of contentment that I didn't lie. I joined myself in a transgender community and started living my life when I saw Arjun in the store that I was working in!