Chapter 11

…

“Sister, you ready?”

“Yeah, coming!”

“You actually woke up early? That’s unexpected but welcomed, let’s go now.”

“Xia, I’m not that bad, you know…?”

Today is a special day. Well, not special in the normal sense, but…

‘The medical examination.’

Honestly, I could understand that they had to reschedule it to another day, a case like mine is unprecedented after all. Even so, to already have it so soon? I suppose that just shows how much they care about it.

Well, I also understand that… a new condition that defies the law of gender and even seemingly recovers the body? If it could be replicated, it would practically shake the entire medicine world, or so I think? Don’t quote me on that, I have no idea myself.

Either way, I should get the annoying stuff out of the way first, right? I was going to apply for that maid job, but I suppose I'll finish this first…

“Anyways, are we heading there right now?”

“Yeah, dad’s already in the car. I was going to wake you up but you came down on your own, so let’s go.”

“Mom’s not coming?”

“Job. She said uncle is understaffed these days, so she had no choice.”

“Ah, okay.”

Well, mom can’t really ignore someone in trouble, so I suppose she would do that. In the first place, she was the one who volunteered to help our uncle, but was forced to accept a paycheck after a grueling battle of wits…

If she were born in another world, she would totally be the saintess or hero type character, wouldn’t she? Well, that’s a thought that I shouldn’t explore further.

In the end, what matters is finishing this annoying examination early and trying to apply for the job this or next week.

Yep, mental plan mapped out! Surely nothing would go wrong with such perfect schedule management.

I hope.

◈

Well that didn’t work out too well now, did it? So much for a schedule, hah…

Ah, right… You must be curious about what happened, yes? Well, you see…

Actually, I don’t remember most of it, hehe… But the only thing you need to know is that I was done with the entire medical examination! Oh, and it took more than 10 hours by the way, so that was fun.

To explain what happened, when we got there, we did the basic stuff of course… Greeting the staff, they tell us what will happen, what I’ll be doing and blah blah I forgot.

And then proceed to make me do every single possible test…

Ranging from simple ones like blood pressure tests, DNA tests, X-rays, optic tests, hearing tests… There’s way too many to list, so I’ll just leave them for thought, okay? Good.

If you ask me what these tests are for, I’d obviously tell you I don’t know. I’m pretty sure they did explain, but I already forgot as always, so that was fun. Start to see a pattern here?

Needless to say, you aren’t here to hear me rambling about it anyways, so I’ll get to the point: I am me.

After the grueling tests, it was confirmed that I was still the same person with the same genes, same mediocrity, and same intelligence (ouch).

Though my physical abilities did improve, it was most likely because of the unknown healing thing. I vividly remember that they don’t know what caused it either, so that’s that, I suppose.

In short, the mentally ill loser over here is still the same old pathetic junk: just in a new body that is way too good for someone like me.

I’m still somewhat spiteful, you know? It’s not like it’s my first time being robbed of my death, but this time it’s just ridiculous, isn’t it? At least make it make sense!

To think that the laws of the world would change just to make sure that I won’t die… In a way it’s depressing to think about, as if I am one of those immortals that are forced to rot in life as time inevitably moves on. The difference being that I still age, of course.

The declaration of courage I’ve made before? Please cut me some slack here, I’m mentally ill, you know? That Jia Lin who wants to improve is nowhere to be seen today since she’s too busy sleeping, so your depressive Jia Lin who hates life will be your annoying rambler for today, yes.

Anyhow, I shouldn’t be complaining too much since the test is already over, or that was what I’d have liked to say if things actually followed through.

Since the medical report was quite ambiguous even after so much intensive research, it was decided that I should come back for daily check ups as this wasn’t a thing that could be solved within a day.

Fortunately, all of these would be covered with additional compensation, but still…

‘The job application would have to be pushed back a couple of weeks I guess…’

I was also recommended to not really do any strenuous activities until the check ups are over, so I can’t really go for the job either. The quest to quell boredom suddenly ended in even more boredom time, how poetic, right? For the record, I have no clue if that’s how to use ‘poetic’ but pretend I used it correctly, yeah?

Since I can’t exactly dwell on it for too long, I accepted my loss and pushed back the schedule by a couple of weeks; annoying but it can’t be helped.

Thinking about it, they didn’t say how many days it would take until they would stop the check ups thing, so it could be up to months…

Hah, let’s just pray that it ends in a reasonable amount of time…

With a silent sigh, I plopped on the sofa and lamented my miserable existence.

“Why do you look so deflated? Something happened again?”

Seems like I caught the attention of Jia Xia… Well, talking to her wouldn’t hurt, I guess.

“No… just thinking about the upcoming schedules and uh, I forgot.”

“If you forgot, you don’t need to say it… Ah, and I suppose I understand; you’ll be very busy with the medical stuff after all. Still, don’t be too sad, it’s necessary.”

“I know, but it’s still so annoying…”

“It’s for your own good, sister, who knows if there are actually some underlying adverse effects? It’s better to prevent it before it happens, right? Just endure through it and you’ll forget it like everything else.”

“Not sure if that’s a compliment or not, but thanks, Xia.”

“It’s not one.”

“Oh…”

“It’s encouragement, you know? Encouragement.”

“I see, I see.”

“You clearly dont…”

“Ugh, please cut me some slack, your big sister is in her extra useless mode today—Ugh…?”

“If you have the energy to joke around like that, then you’re just fine.”

“Hey, that really hurts! Ah, there she goes…”

After our little back and forth, it ended with my little sister stepping on my poor stomach before walking away. Abuse is really something, especially from your younger sibling…

Though our relationship has gotten a lot better these days, I wonder if it’s proceeding smoothly? Is this what they call a rebellious phase? Or am I just a victim of sibling abuse? Honestly, I have no idea, never had any comparisons so I can’t really judge.

Ah, but Xia is excused because she’s cute, so that doesn’t really matter.

“Phuh! What the?”

For some reason, thinking that her stomping action wasn’t enough, my little sister also decided to throw a pillow at my face…

“Xia, why are you suddenly so violent…”

“You were definitely thinking of something stupid just now, so I punished you.”

“What does that even mean…”

Seriously, I don’t understand my sister sometimes…

“Well, it doesn’t matter, just hurry and get up already. You go wash up first.”

“Sure, sure…”

Hah… Xia’s mood swings sure are horrible, I wonder who she takes after?

Thwack!

“Ow…! Now what was that for?!”

“No reason, you just looked stupid.”

“Xia, I’m not your punching bag…”

“Whatever! Just go take a bath already…!”

“Fine…”

I wonder what made her so mad…

◈

Woosh!

“Mhm~ Humu~ Humu~!”

Ah, what’s this? A very rare unusual Jia Lin monologue in the bathroom! Well, not that you need to know… Actually, there’s nothing to know… Wait, who am I even talking to…

Forget it, it’s annoying to think of something when you’re trying too hard to think, so I shouldn’t think to make my thoughts actually make sense.

…

Yeah, sorry… that doesn’t make sense to me either. Anyways, what I was going on earlier, yes.

I really wonder what happened to Xia to make her so aggressive today… Honestly, I thought I’ve seen all her faces but a new one shows up out of nowhere…

Even when she distanced herself from me, she never gave me any “physical” reactions, you know? At best she just ignored me as if I never existed, which well… sounds horrible on paper, but it’s actually very soft of her!

To suddenly see her being like that is very surprising for sure… And the worst part? I’m not even sure what I did wrong to make her so angry…

I’d like to apologize but…

“Something tells me that she would be even angrier if I did…”

Sigh…

Not much I can do in that regard, so I’ll just wait until she calms down, I suppose. I should finish now, having a long useless thought like that while bathing really made it easy to think, huh?

Letting out an exaggerated sigh, I went to turn off the shower head, and instead saw a reflection of “me” in the mirror.

The cold girl’s abyss-like grey eyes stared back at me as if asking, “What are you doing?”, to which I’d answered:

“How dull.”

Thinking back, I never really understood it at all.

I still don’t understand why any of these had happened, I don’t understand why I’m still alive or even why I am so calm about it.

No, I do understand, I just chose not to.

I’ve always been a very impatient person. I never liked to see or even be in the process of a beginning to the end.

I just wanted to see the beginning and the end of something.

What happens in the middle of it all; simply useless.

In that sense, I never really cared what happened as long as an ending was reached as soon as possible, even if it wasn’t one that I desired.

Taking the blame for something despite it clearly not being me, or offering to help an elderly person finding his location simply because he was being an eyesore and wasting time.

From an outsider’s perspective, these acts would be that of a kind person, or if you put it bluntly, a pushover.

But I’m not that, I just simply hated being slowed down, that’s all. There’s no other reason to help someone otherwise.

I’m a lazy trash, I know that.

But that’s just who I am; a useless human being who lived longer than they should have.

A coward who can’t even kill themselves and blame it on flimsy excuses like guilt.

A filthy person who would even envy a poor girl who ended her life.

A disgusting cockroach who does nothing but ruin the mood of everyone around herself.

That’s who I am.

No matter how hard I try, things never get any better, so I shouldn’t try.

Because no one wanted to see it anyway. Because it wouldn’t have mattered, and most importantly,

‘Because I’m too tired to try again.’

Someone like me never should’ve lived…

Hah…

Leaning on the side of the bathroom, I weakly fell down on the floor, meeting the cold hard surface with my naked body.

The water still flowing from the shower head strangely reminds me of rain drops, as if I’m currently under a rain.

I curled up and hugged myself, wasting more time and water, but please let me be like this for a little longer.

It’s hard to explain, but I’m just tired, that’s all.

Tired of everything.

“Why are you even still alive?”

Tired of being alive, and tired of myself uselessly clinging onto that miserable life.

…

***

“Ugh, my body hurts…”

After that stupid spectacle of mine, I did eventually close the shower head and finish up, and now I’m dealing with the full brunt of muscle pain from that same stupid spectacle.

Really, what was I even thinking…

Depressive thoughts in the shower, I guess that’s a normal thing that can happen, but it sure is still quite annoying…

On the bright side, I didn’t bring a knife with me. Though, no sane person would bring a knife with them to the shower to begin with.

I used to do that when I was in my self harm phase, but stopped after almost getting caught, which is slightly depressing.

Oh well, no reason to think of bad stuff, only positive things, yes.

Anyhow, it’s been less than a week, but I think I adapted quite well to this new life?

Like I said before, I didn’t really care if I was a boy or girl since it wouldn’t really matter, but that was only because I thought that I’d still die, right? Sure, becoming a girl is slightly annoying with new things to do, but it’s surprisingly not too bad.

Humans are creatures of adaptation after all.

Hmm, now that I think about it, I never really give too much thought about being a woman.

You’ll think that it’s stupid since I’d just said that I didn’t really care, but ‘didn’t really care’ isn’t the same as ‘didn’t care’, you know? I still somewhat do care about it, especially since I’m going to live the rest of my life like this unless they find a cure!

Enough complaining, what I wanted to say was that I never really gave much thought or even explored my own body in that aspect.

Even when looking at my own naked body, I don’t blush or anything, it just feels like, “Oh, it’s me, whatever.” type of thing, you know? Unlike those stories online, the sudden thought of going “Kyaa!!! It’s a woman’s body, I absolutely can’t look!!” won’t happen.

Then again, I wasn’t really the type of person to be stimulated by sexual desires to begin with, so maybe I’m just the odd one out.

Well, I wouldn’t know, I never really looked at a woman’s body that way even when I was still a guy, so I can’t judge.

Actually, that just sounds like proof, oh well…

I’m currently staring in the mirror of my room, wearing the same outfit that I had worn during yesterday’s embarrassing trip to the maid café.

Was I going to go out? No, I don’t think I would.

So why did I wear it? Because it was the first piece of clothing I saw, I guess.

I’m just that lazy.

Well, that doesn’t matter anyways, so let’s move on.

Objectively, I look pretty nice in this outfit, which was why I was staring at myself in the mirror to begin with.

Now, I am no narcissist. Hell, if I was one, I wouldn’t be such a wreck to begin with. Though I can’t deny that I am pretty, especially in this outfit.

It’s one of the things I can feel proud of, since I picked this out myself! It’s fortunate that my fashion sense is one of the things that I don’t lack.

Though it’s unfortunate that such looks had to be wasted on a corrupted pile of misery like me…

No, no! No bad thoughts Jia Lin, be happy, yes~

…

Hmm…

Self hypnosis really works well, to be honest. Wait, that’s not what I was going to… Hah, nevermind.

I shouldn’t waste this look, is what I wanted to say. Though, I’m not really a person who would do this at all, it feels wrong to just laze around and be human trash with a face like this.

Even if the inside is corrupted to the core, at least the outside still has merits, you see? So wouldn’t it be good to at least try to look good?

With that in mind, I struck a pose that I’ve seen in a manga, with a really awkward expression of course.

A peace sign.

And what came of it… was the same dull but beautiful girl from before, with a really awkward expression and a flimsy looking hand trying to make a peace sign…

Sigh, I give up, really… This is too much for me.

Sorry, I guess I’ll commit the sin of never utilizing this body and let it rot away like my mentality.

Oh, there’s also these things, too. I almost forgot.

Quickly giving up my lament, I went over the next part that identifies a woman: the breasts.

Honestly, they are large, but not too large that they ruin my daily experience or anything.

Still, I don’t really get it myself…

I tried to hold them with my hands and even cup it, but I guess I don’t know…?

Looking right back at me in the mirror, was the same old dumb girl doing silly things with her chest, a disappointment.

Hah… Somehow it became even worse, nevermind.

Knock! Knock!

Ah, perfect timing! Something to cleanse that embarrassment away!! I never felt so happy to be interrupted, but it’s good!

“Who is it?”