Chapter 12
I’m angry.
Angry at my sister, and angry at myself who unfairly hurt her.
I knew. I knew that someone like me has no right to tell her what to do, especially when I’m one of the perpetrators who pushed her in that direction, but I am still so angry.
A pathetic person like me…
Blaming myself like this won’t solve anything, it’s merely a distorted form of comfort, I know.
I know…
I… Sigh
I don’t know anymore, I really don’t.
I’ve always hated seeing my sister being so sad, I’ve always hated seeing her being so depressive, and most of all,
I’ve hated seeing her trying to tough it out as if it’s nothing, as if it’s normal.
It was hard to watch. It kept scratching at my heart, tearing it bit by bit as I did nothing but only watch. Doing nothing felt like a sin, it felt like an excuse to run away.
So once I actually did something, it became like this.
A filthy hypocrite who does nothing but criticise her sister, when she is the one who pushed her to that direction. She couldn’t be understanding at all, because she was just irrational. She should have helped her, but she didn't know how. She doesn't want to stay still, yet she’s doing it anyway, under the excuse of it being better that way.
A worthless sister like me…
I don’t know anymore, I want to know.
But I don’t want to hurt her, yet I still do regardless.
What should I do? What should I not do?
Is there even anything? Any solution? I don’t know…
I don’t know. I don’t understand. I want to know. I want to understand. I want to help. I don’t want to help. I want to stay away. I want to stay close. I want to cry. I shouldn’t cry. How to help. Why am I like this? How do I help? What should I do? What should I not do? What do I do? What do I know? I don’t know. I should know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I…
“I DON’T KNOW, DAMN IT!”
I want to know, but…
…
“I really don’t know… damn it…”
“Hick… I… What should I even do…?”
It was hard to watch, it was hard to act, it was hard to say, it was hard to think…
It was hard to even be myself.
It hurts, it hurts so much, but…
‘You know it’s deserved.’
Yes, it was. It’s just karma, for what I’ve done.
‘You know that’s just a delusion.’
Yes, I know. But at least, I can lessen the pain in that delusion, no matter how selfish it is.
‘You know that in the end, nothing will be done this way.’
Yes, I know. Yet, what else could I have done? I don’t know, I’m too incompetent. There’s no solution, just endless self hate.
‘You already know, so stop with the pretense.’
I’m scared. Scared of doing anything…
‘In the end, the only reason you don’t act is because you’re afraid.’
…
‘She was never the consideration, you’re just afraid of being hurt further.’
…
‘You know it deep down, and that’s why you hate yourself.’
Yes, I know.
I know.
It was simply a selfish refusal. No matter how much I try to sugarcoat it, the intent is still clear.
I just didn’t want to be hurt by my sister.
The only thing I don’t know is her, and I was the cause. I don’t know her at all.
No matter how much I try to act, I still don’t know her. No matter how much I tried to understand her, I couldn’t do that. So I was afraid.
What if I was wrong? What if I disillusioned myself? What if she resented me? What If she hated everyone but buried it deep down in the burrows of her heart? What does that make me?
It should be easier on the heart, to be blamed and hated, it should.
But I don’t like it, I don’t want it! I don’t want to be hated! Not again!
I hate it. I don’t want to be hated. Not again. Please don’t. I don’t want it. Don’t hate me. It hurts. It hurts so much. Go away. Don’t hate me. Stay away. Don’t speak. Don’t express. Don’t do anything. Stay right there. Smile forever. Be happy. Give me a fake smile. Just don’t hate me, please.
Please put up with my antics.
-So that you won’t blame me.
Please wake up everyday with smiles.
-So that your face won’t contort in pain and agony.
Please be happy forever.
-So that you won’t hate me forever.
Jia Lin, my dearest sister, please don’t hate me.
Because your selfish little sister doesn't want to be hurt despite hurting you.
So please, answer my irrational and illogical demands, and keep loving me.
So that I don’t have to change.
So I…
Hick…
Drip.
How disgusting.
“AHHHHH!!!!!!”
How could I be this disgusting.
“Damn it! Damn it! DAMN IT! Why am I like this?! Why am I so filthy?! WHY?!”
It keeps hurting, so I dug my nails into my skin. It hurts again, but it doesn’t hurt as much.
So I keep digging in, until the other pain stops.
But it won’t.
No matter how much I try to deny it, it’s still there.
No matter how much I try to dull it, it’s still as vivid as ever.
No matter how much I try to change, I’m still the same old vile person.
Alas, I stopped.
Dropped down, like a puppet with its strings cut.
It hurts a lot, but why would it matter? I’m already this hurt, you see?
Bright future? Promising talent? A gifted child? Don’t make me laugh.
I’m just a selfish person, someone who can’t even show guilt; that’s all I am.
What good is a genius if their personality is this rotten?
A person like me should just…
Yes, maybe I should…
Creak…!
Huh?
“Oh my! Xia Xia, what’s wrong?! I thought something was happening so I came to check but what happened to you?!”
“Mom…?”
Ah, did I act too rashly and woke her up by accident?
“Xia, is everything okay?”
“Mom, I… I…”
I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t. I just don’t feel like it.
“It’s okay, Xia. Come here, mommy’s here.”
“Mom…”
I don’t know why, but at that moment, I couldn’t control myself and leaped onto her arms.
“Oof… There, there. My baby girl, Xia, you don’t need to cry anymore.”
“Mom… I…”
“Now, now, don’t push yourself. You look very horrible right now, so rest and calm down for a bit, okay?”
It’s embarrassing, why am I even doing this? Do I even deserve it? Why… Why can’t I let go…?
“...Mhm.”
“That’s my good girl.”
…
“Mom, I…”
“Mommy’s listening, yes.”
“I… Hick…! I…”
“Let it all out, Xia, don’t bottle it up. Mom will be here for you, so it’s okay.”
Maybe, just maybe… I could loosen up. Maybe I could tell her everything. Maybe…
“UWAAHHHH!!!!”
“There, there…”
Pat, pat.
◈
In the end, I cried like that for a few minutes and told mom everything…
I’m still anxious and afraid, but I did it anyway. It felt horrible, so horrible that I could briefly forget the embarrassment of what I did.
“Xia.”
“...!”
Ah, it seems like I’ll be reprimanded by mom first.
“It must’ve been tough, right?”
“...?”
“Don’t cry like that, Xia, my beautiful daughter shouldn’t be this pitiful.”
“But, I…”
Why is she acting like this? Shouldn’t she scold me for being so selfish? She should also know of our mistakes and failure to care for big sister, so why is she acting like nothing’s wrong?
“Shh… It’s okay.”
“...”
“You’re afraid of being hurt, right? That’s normal, Xia, you’re still afraid of what happened five years ago, right?”
“...”
She was right, I was still afraid. Being hated felt so wrong, so disgusting, and most importantly,
So painful.
But it was still just an excuse, an excuse that shouldn’t work.
“You just didn’t want it to happen again. Mom can understand that. Being hurt is very bad, after all.”
“But it doesn’t excuse the fact that I’m so selfish right now…!”
“Yes, it doesn’t.”
“...!”
“But Xia, we all make mistakes, no matter how bright the person is. Mom, dad and everyone else in the world makes mistakes. No one is free from it.”
“I…”
“If you’re truly sorry, just apologize to your big sister. Fix your mistakes while you still can.”
“Mom, didn’t you hear what I’ve just said?! I—”
“Xia.”
“...?!”
I didn’t know if it was just the sudden hug or if her words truly resonated with me, but strangely, I felt like lightening up.
“Mom doesn’t have the right to say this either, but…”
“...”
“Mom’s truly blessed to have such wonderful children like you and Jia Lin, you know that? Trust yourself, and just go. It won’t hurt at all.”
“How would you know…?”
“A mother’s intuition?”
“...”
In the end, it felt like nonsense, she doesn’t know how my sister feels too.
But… It was still a reassuring nonsense, enough so that I could clear my clouded mind.
“...Yeah, I understand, mom.”
“There, there, that’s my bright baby girl…”
“Stop that, it’s embarrassing now…”
“Sure, sure, sweetie~ But you should still go wash up for a bit and clean the wounds, it looks painful.”
“Oh yeah…”
After calming down a little, I finally started to feel the stinging pain of the wounds I’ve inflicted. It’s bleeding but it still felt bearable.
“I think it’s fine, I still want to go and talk to my sister first.”
“Are you sure…? Maybe you should rest for a little before doing that…”
“No, if I don’t go now… I feel like I’ll regret it.”
“Hmm, if that’s what you wish. Mom will go back now.”
“W-Wait…!”
“Hmm?”
“Is it really okay…? I still feel a bit…”
“Xia, honestly, mom has a lot she wanted to say too, but…”
“But…?”
“Mom doesn’t feel like she should be the one to say it.”
“What does that even—”
“Just trust mom and yourself.”
“I… Fine…”
“Good, good.”
Pat, pat.
“...”
“You can do it, Xia Xia.”
“Yeah, thank you.”
In the end, I decided to trust mom, and went all the way up to Jia Lin’s room, stopping at the entrance.
A door, a single door is the only thing that’s blocking me. Something that should be so easy, yet felt so hard. Doubt and anxiety kept creeping over, but in the end—
Knock! Knock!
“Who is it?”
“It’s me, sister… Can we talk…?”
—I took the step.
◈
“Xia, you’re hurt…”
“Yeah… I scratched myself a lot.”
“...I see.”
“...”
I froze up, unable to muster anything further. No matter how much courage I put in order to get here, it seems like I’m unable to say anything…
“Wait a sec, I have some bandages here in the room.”
“...”
“You should sit on the bed, Xia.”
“Alright.”
It felt awkward, I couldn’t do anything but answer her. I should talk but I have nothing to say. Everything that I wanted to convey, it all disappeared, as if I still unconsciously wanted to hide it.
“...”
I could only watch as my sister clumsily treated my wounds, and lost myself in that moment.
Everything stopped at that point, it felt like infinity, as if there was only just the both of us in that very moment.
The sinner who couldn’t confess and the condemned victim.
At the same time, an older sister who is caring for her younger sister.
In such a moment, I…
“Hey, Jia Lin.”
“Yes?”
“You know, I’ve always hated myself.”
“Why so?”
“Because I’m filthy, I’m selfish and miserable. I just don’t want to see you be hurt, but that’s because I wanted to escape from the guilt.”
“I… don’t understand, Xia…?”
“I hate it, I don’t like seeing you depreciate yourself. I don’t like seeing you hurt yourself and act like it’s normal, but not for the reasons you think.”
“...”
“I just hated it because I don’t want you to hate me. I don’t want you to be unhappy and blame me for everything.”
“Xia, I won’t—”
“HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT?!”
“Ugh…?!”
In anger, I pushed my sister down onto the bed, pinning her down from the top and staring at her grey, unblinking eyes. In any normal situation, this would’ve been embarrassing and I would’ve stopped, but I didn’t.
“Tell me, Jia Lin… How would I have known that…?”
“...”
“I wouldn’t! I wanted to apologize for so long, yet I couldn't! Want to know why? It’s all because your sister is a damn selfish hypocrite! I’m afraid, afraid that you’ll reject it and hate me. I don’t trust you. I don’t understand you!”
“...”
“No matter how much I wanted to apologize, it always stopped because I was afraid that you'd hate me…”
“...”
“I don’t want to be hated, not by you… It’s idiotic and unreasonable, I know… But I don’t know what else I should do… I don’t want to face the consequences, I just want to go back and not feel hurt anymore! I wanted to be forgiven despite how unfair it is for you!”
“...”
“I hate it all, and I hate myself for even thinking like this… It hurts so damn much, so please don’t hate me further… Please don’t make your ugly sister even uglier…”
“...”
“Please, just please… Hua Jia Lin… Please forgive your sinful, disgusting little sister…”
“...”
“I…”
Words kept flowing from my mouth until I uttered nevermore. I still had so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to express, but nothing more would come out.
Staring at my sister’s expressionless face, I could only lament.
Ah, I gripped her hands so hard too, I could see the marks… They must’ve hurt a lot, yet she endured it.
I did that while asking for forgiveness.
An unreasonable manner and excuse.
Even in my eyes, I could tell it seems like a failure.
No matter how much of a pushover she seems to be in my eyes, would she really accept this? In the end, I’m just coping too hard. I was just trying to force her to free me from this painful, suffocating guilt.
The victim whom I’ve hurt so much, to make her forgive her aggressor who has experienced barely a fraction of the pain she had gone through.
Even in my eyes, it felt idiotic.
So I could only loosen my hands, my everything, and await the punishment.
Those cold grey eyes, that expressionless gaze that seemed to freeze my very self.
Those hurt hands, dragged me down, to her level and—
“Ahh…?!”
—Hugged me.
“Jia Xia.”
“...”
“You’re done now, right?”
“I…”
“It must’ve been really painful, I know.”
“What are you…”
“You hated being in pain, so you wanted to escape it. I understand.”
“...”
“Going as far as this, you must’ve been desperate, I’m sorry.”
“...”
“Ah, I forgive you. I almost forgot to say that, hehe.”
“Why…”
“Don’t worry.”
“Why…”
“It’s okay.”
“WHY?!”
“It’s fine.”
“WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS…?! I WAS BEING UNREASONABLE, RIGHT? SO WHY DON’T YOU HATE ME? WHY…. WHY…”
“There, there…”
“Why… Sob… Why did you accept it so easily… You should’ve hated me, you should’ve openly scorned me… It feels so…”
“Pfft… It’s almost as if you want me to hate you, Xia.”
“...!”
“Don’t worry, like I’ve said,”
“...?”
“It’s okay, it must’ve hurt a lot. I understand that much. I didn’t forgive you out of pity either.”
“Then… why?”
“I just felt like it.”
“...??”
“If my cute little sister is trying this hard to apologize, shouldn’t I accept it?”
“That doesn’t make sense…!”
“But it does to me.”
“No, that doesn’t—”
“If it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t need to.”
“...!”
“Just as it felt unreasonable for you to do all this, it also felt unreasonable for me to be angry at you too, Xia.”
“...Huh?”
“Because—”
…Her expression softened so much that it felt like I was looking at an angel. As if I was being pardoned for my sins.
“—I never resented you to begin with, my silly little sister.”
“Ah… Ah…”
Just those words alone, shut down any reason that I had left, and for the second time of the day,
I cried in someone’s arms.
“Sister…! Sister!”
“Yes, Xia?”
“I’m so sorry!! I’m sorry…! I… I’m so sorry!”
“Yeah, I know, so I forgive you, Xia.”
“Still, it doesn’t feel real, I still…”
“If it still hurts, then fix it by atoning for your big sister.”
“I…”
“Your big sister is still a clumsy mess as always, you see? So she would need all the support in the world.”
“...”
“An insanely capable genius little sister should be more than enough to support such a useless deadweight, don’t you think?”
“...”
“If you do that much, you would be free from your guilt, right? Don’t be stuck in guilt, instead try to fix your mistakes, even though I don’t really think of it as that, hehe…”
“...”
It felt so surreal, everything was so surreal, like a dream. The touch of my sister stroking my hair, the warmth of my sister who's lying next to me on the bed, the soft and melodic words that seem to cure my pained heart. Everything just felt so alien.
Like a dream I never wanted to wake up from, but deep down I know.
This happiness isn't a dream; it’s real.
And knowing that…
Makes it even better…!
“Yeah, I’ll do just that…!”
“Yes, yes… there’s my amazing little sister!”
…
I was so stupid.
The answer was so simple, there was no need to ask, after all.
It was there all along, yet I was too blind to see it.
So much agony, so much pain for honestly, nothing. I felt embarrassed to even be stuck on something so simple. I couldn’t even understand why it was so hard now.
Just a simple step of talking, that’s all.
Magically, all the anxiety and fear suddenly disappeared, as if they were never there.
Such a simple thing, what a silly idiot you are, Jia Xia.
Hahaha!
It feels so refreshing…
And because of that, I wanted to stay like this a little longer. A little longer with my lovable big sister, hugging her for warmth. It wasn’t even cold, yet the warmth was so nice.
We talked a lot, so much so that it was surprising that we were so awkward earlier.
It felt like a reunion after not seeing each other for so long.
Sounds stupid, but it really did feel like that.
Yes, a reunion between me and my brother-now-sister.
A simple time where we could talk our hearts out without any hidden pains, smiling and laughing.
It must’ve been a couple of hours, but strangely, it felt like minutes barely passed.
During that time, I once again lost myself in the moment.
Wishing that it would freeze forever, like a point in infinity.
That was the last thing I remember.
…
***
Knock! Knock!
“Xia, Lin~ Mom woke up to prepare dinner and since it’s such a special day, do you have anything you want—Oh my~?”
She opened the door to tell her daughters that she wanted to prepare their favourite dishes for dinner, under the pretense of a ‘special day’. It wasn’t wrong, it was a ‘special’ day, only because she felt that it was a special day where her daughters made up.
What she saw was a picturesque scene of her daughters sleeping soundly together, as if they were the two most peaceful creatures in the world.
She would have to inevitably only make two servings for dinner, but she doesn’t mind it. The special meal can wait for tomorrow, as she was plenty satisfied.
“Sweet dreams, my dears~”
Not wanting to disturb her two angels, she quietly closed the door and headed downstairs.
Her husband, waiting there on the sofa, had already come back from work about 30 minutes ago. Seeing that, she happily went ahead and talked to him.
“Our daughters are sleeping already, seems like it’s just the two of us who will be having dinner~”
“That so? You’re in an unusually good mood, Xue Yuen.”
“Why wouldn’t I be~? Come on, tell me what you want to eat, let’s have a good feast!”
“Some chicken and beer then.”
“Alright~!”
And just like that, the day passes.
