Chapter 16
I’ve always been told that I am quite the energetic and positive person.
That I am a person who could easily bring joy to everyone around me, someone who befriends anyone that she sees.
The popular kid in class… In truth, it’s not really correct—No, it’s fully wrong.
I’m not someone like that, I can’t do that.
All that energy, all those emotions… It's all fake.
Socializing, hanging out, meeting new people, befriending them… Honestly, it’s all so tedious, I really don’t like it at all.
But I hated being lonely even more.
I’ve always hated the idea of being alone, so much more than socializing. Because of that, I endured everything.
Wore a perfect (fake) happy smile to please everyone, adopted new (false) personalities to adapt to any person, even dressed up in cute (dull) clothes to impress ‘friends’.
The happiest girl (fraud).
A bundle of joy and surprises (lies).
An active and supportive friend (stop lying).
A perfect person (you’re a fraud).
That’s who I am (no). A person who can’t stand being lonely (yes).
Someone who can’t even be genuine anymore.
Because I had already forgotten who I was.
Drowned in so many masks, I couldn’t even regret my past actions. I couldn’t understand what’s there to regret, so I just ended it like that.
Back during elementary school, there was this one boy that I really admired and envied.
While I did my best trying to impress and befriend everyone, he just stood there and never cared much about anything.
It’s not like he was actively pushing everyone away, he talks to people with ease, so why? He pushed no one away, yet he didn’t make an effort to talk to anyone either.
I couldn’t understand that at all, how could somebody be like that? Isn’t this loneliness painful? So much so that I even went out of my way to deny myself.
How can he be like that and not suffer? I really wanted to know.
Because of that, I tried to befriend him too… just so I can understand.
And thanks to that choice, I had experienced my first and only ever crush on someone. I still wondered what made me so captivated by that boy, but I thought it wouldn’t be that big of an issue so I left it there.
…
Years passed by and I’m no longer in elementary anymore. People used to say that relationships that you’ve made in elementary schools don’t last, but I hated that saying.
I didn’t want to let anyone go, so I desperately clung onto everyone I ever knew, kept in touch to an almost obsessive degree.
It was unhealthy, but I didn’t know what else to do.
This loneliness, this crippling pain… It was just unbearable.
The thought of losing even someone—No, I can’t bear that at all.
Even so, the boy remained invisible. No matter how hard I’ve tried, no matter how much I tried to reach out, whether through former teachers or the old school, I couldn’t get in touch with him.
Even more time passed by, and I was a high school student now. I was quite popular in class, everyone liked me.
Of course they did, I did so much intensive research to find out their likes and dislikes after all.
It seemed like such a happy life, even if it was all fake, so I should be content, yes.
Yet…
That little failure from back then, still never left my heart.
…
Time passed again, and now I was 19 years old, an age where one can truly be called an adult, a time to start thinking of what path to take.
I went to study abroad in Japan, mostly because my parents endorsed it. I had a relative who also lives there, so it was a good idea.
I made new friends, talked with them, hung out with them, kept them, cherished (?) them, like the usual.
Unlike the first time, all my contacts from middle school to college, I still kept them all. No matter how ridiculous it got, I still kept everyone.
Because I was anxious to lose even one more person. It would be painful if it happens.
It was no longer a fear of loneliness anymore, it was an obsession to befriend everyone.
It’s unhealthy, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m just afraid, that’s all.
…
It is now summer, a time where most learning institutions come to a temporary close, as students take a break and relax. Naturally, my college was no exception.
I didn’t really know what to do, so I just headed back to my hometown in China, mostly because my parents insisted I do so.
In that time I caught up with old friends, family and did a lot of boring stuff that I didn’t want, it was dull. I kept doing this until I scratched a sore spot.
My contacts with my old friends from elementary school… Honestly, even now I still keep up with them. Some of them went into higher education like me, some inherited family businesses and others went into the job market early. Really, we all led different lives.
Knowing that, I proposed the idea of a reunion party of sorts, it has been forever since we last saw each other physically, so it wasn’t really a bad idea at all.
I got everyone to agree, so it was going to be smooth. Well, everyone except one person.
The sore spot that existed back then, has now developed into an unbearable wound. Honestly, part of the reason I wanted this reunion is to meet up with that boy again, I couldn’t pass up the chance to meet him after so long.
It wasn’t really a sound idea, I know that. He could’ve gone somewhere else, left the country or even the world… I wouldn’t know.
But it was still worth a try.
Fortunately, it paid off. Our old elementary school helped me to get his address and even confirmed that he still lives there. Back then, this would’ve been impossible since I was just a kid, but now… there was the excuse of the reunion party and nostalgia; it was perfect.
I went there, expecting some sort of grand reunion, and well… a grand reunion I got.
Just not in the way that I expected…
While I was there, I got somewhat lost. It was an unfamiliar place after all.
Though that sense of misdirection would be short-lived, as a girl approached me.
Almost a head shorter than me, an amazing figure, a uniquely streaked hair, and most importantly, a face that looks out of the world.
A beauty that feels out of place, especially in a rural area like this.
This woman… introduced herself as the boy that I’ve been looking for.
◈
Some time passed by, and well… I guess this girl really was the person I’ve been looking for.
Though it was really hard to believe, I didn’t really think she had a reason to lie, and well, her family did confirm it with health certificates to boot, so there wasn’t really much to refute aside from how ridiculous it was.
Either way, she didn’t refuse my invitation, so it wasn’t really all that bad. Though I have to say, she acts a lot more different than I imagined.
Well, that’s to be expected, memories can be deceiving after all. Not to mention that a lot can happen to change a person, especially if one of the changes include gender.
Still, I can’t deny how disappointing it is… Meeting up like this again, that is.
It’s not that she is bad or anything, she is just as normal as anybody else, which is why I’m disappointed.
Really, I expected something more, something rewarding for a wound that tore me up for so long, but in the end…
‘It’s the same old boring thing.’
Boring but what can I do? At least I wouldn’t need to deal with the pain of loneliness, I just need to befriend and keep her like everyone else, that way I won’t be in pain anymore.
Yes, that’s what I should do, so I did just that.
I met up with her, went around forgettable places with her, and even got invited for a sleep over. Even though it seems that she had forgotten who I was, it was perfect. With this much, at least she won’t forget me this time.
Really, doing this much just to not be in pain, even I feel that it’s ridiculous, but…
‘What can I do? The pain is just that unbearable.’
I hated losing ‘friends’, that’s all.
So I’ll do my best to keep them by my side.
‘Even if it means denying myself.’
Because it’ll hurt less that way.
That’s my nature, as the seemingly perfect (flawed), always (never) bright (dull) girl.
I am happy (no).
So I must keep smiling (don’t want to).
Everyone is happier that way (delusions).
Ah, for some reason (what?), it felt like she (who?) kept staring at me with a weird expression (where?) during our hang out sessions (when?). I wonder why? (why?)
Though I didn’t think too much of it and just moved on. (how?)
Yes, because there is no reason to think about it.
“Hui Xin…”
“Yeah?”
Come to think of it, during this time, we were in a Maid Café eating. An interesting choice but still dull.
“We’re all friends…?”
…Huh?
One question broke me out of thought, a question I wanted to ask myself too.
Friends… I wanted to say that we’re friends, it’s true. Yet, why am I still fidgeting? It’s not hard to just say it, is it? I don’t understand at all.
But for some reason, looking up and seeing that nervous face again, reminded me of myself. And that…
“Pfft! What kind of dumb question is that, Jia Lin?”
“...”
“Of course we are! Although everyone else hasn't met you yet, I can 100% say with certainty that they would consider you a friend too!”
I lied, I don’t know if the others would do that, but…
For some reason, it felt all fuzzy when I said that I considered her my friend.
I wonder why?
Maybe it’s because she looked all tensed up. Come to think of it, she looked cute.
Yeah, maybe it was just that.
◈
“Hello, I’m Huang Hui Xin, thank you for having me!!”
I ended up staying the night at her home, which wasn’t something I’ve done with my other ‘friends’ before, but it didn’t feel like it would be anything too different.
It was still like the usual, just act happy and everyone would be happy.
And through that, I ended up having dinner there as well.
…
“Woah! Auntie, these dishes are delicious! You’re really good at cooking!”
“My, my~ You’re so good with compliments! Auntie is embarrassed, come on, eat some more.”
“Wah!! Thank you!!”
“...”
“Wow, you eat a lot…”
“Hehe, Jia Lin’s little sister, right? I naturally have a big appetite!”
“That’s impressive…”
“It’s good that you enjoy yourself. Thank you for coming all the way here to greet my s—daughter too.”
“It’s fine, it’s fine, uncle! I came here because I wanted to, and I enjoyed everything! I should be the one thanking you all!”
“I see, that’s good.”
See? It’s so simple, really (really). Just act positive and everything naturally goes right, no problems at all (it’s all fake).
Though for some reason, Jia Lin herself never talked during dinner, and even more weirdly…
‘That gaze again…’
I wonder why she kept looking at me like that, I really do. Though I suppose it’s just because she is having a friend over for dinner (not true)? Maybe that’s why (it’s all wrong)?
Either way, it was still considered a success.
…
After the dinner, I went to her room to see her setting up the bed. I went to check out her room earlier, but there wasn’t really much to talk about, so in the end, it ended up being slightly awkward.
Fortunately, I changed the subject to her gender and managed to get her to sleep in the same bed, so that’s why she is busily setting up the bed right now.
Really, it’s attentive but I suppose that’s just etiquette. It wouldn’t be right for me to stand there, so I helped.
“Let me help too, Jia Lin!”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Mhmm~ Mmm~”
“Hey, Hui Xin.”
“Yes~”
“You… You don’t really need to fake your smiles.”
“...”
I flinched at that statement of hers, wondering what she meant.
Fake? Was it too obvious? Did I not practice well enough or did I get too rusty? Ah, maybe I—
“Everything you did, the way you reacted, it all seems so… artificial and forced, you don’t need to force yourself to do that.”
Before I could even think further, she kept going.
“At first I thought it was because you hated going out with me, and just did it out of responsibility, but your smile was so genuine when you said that we’re friends, so that couldn’t be it.”
“...”
Why? Did something (everything) go wrong?
No, no… It can’t be. Nothing went wrong at all, I was just slightly out of it, that’s all! I can (can’t) fix this.
“Hui Xin, is something wrong?”
Yeah, I can fix (break) it…! There’s nothing wrong at all! I just need to put up a smile (???) again and—Ah,
But… How do I smile (???) again?
???#$%#^^#???????????##$#$%#%????????????????????????????????????????
How do I… frown? (smile?)
(What am I even doing?) Do I know?
What should (I do?)
I don’t know how to fix this, ah… I don’t know… what should I do? What should I do…?
(Don’t know) I…
I… I…
I—
“...?!”
Before I knew it, a hug jolted me awake from my frenzy.
“It’s okay, you don’t need to answer me at all, Hui Xin.”
“...”
“When you’re ready, you can share it with me, you don’t need to do it right now.”
“...”
“All you just need to know is that I’m here for you.”
“...Why?”
“Why? We’re friends after all. Isn’t this what a friend would do?”
“...!”
Is this really… what a friend would do? I don’t know.
Really, I don’t know anymore, but…
It feels so fuzzy and tingly… so nice…
…
Knock! Knock!
“Ah…”
“Sister, can I sleep with you tonight too?”
In the end, we were interrupted by her sister, but it was honestly a good thing.
No longer feeling blocked like earlier, I was able to easily act cheerful again.
“Woah!! Jia Lin, it’s a triple decker!! Let’s do it ya!!!”
“...”
Though she looked like she was deeply contemplating, she eventually gave in.
“Hah… fine… let’s do it.”
In the end, we had to squeeze in to fit all three of us, so it was slightly uncomfortable.
Yet, I felt like I could endure it.
Because I feel so stupid now… Really, so… so stupid.
How could I have forgotten? The very reason that kept me so infatuated.
There was another reason that I admired her—No, him.
…
“Hey, your name is Jia Lin, right? Let’s be friends!”
“...”
“Umm, do you not want to…”
“Yeah, let’s be friends, Hui Xin...?”
“Really?! Yay, thanks!”
“But…”
“But…?”
“You don’t really need to fake your smile, Hui Xin.”
…
It was the same.
Both during that time, and the moment earlier, it was the same.
The same person, even after so long, pointed out the same thing.
It felt as if my colourless world was dyed with one colour.
It wasn’t really a bright colour, but it was still a colour.
I don’t know how to feel about it, but all I know is that it’s strangely fuzzy and tingly inside.
The plan worked out in the end. There were some hiccups and mistakes, but the desired ending was still there, yes…
Yet I still wonder,
‘Why am I so satisfied…?’
It’s a stupid question, I should be satisfied with it, but… isn’t it too much? I’m just doing this to not be lonely anymore, to not be in pain. It’s merely an act to keep myself away from that pain again.
So why do I feel so fulfilled this time…?
Really, I don’t know…
I don’t know, but…
Perhaps staying longer with her… with Jia Lin… Maybe I can find out the answers.
Yes, this person that I’ve admired, perhaps... she might be the key to getting rid of this crippling loneliness forever.
Perhaps this person whom I glossed off as another piece of a relationship, would be really important in my life.
With that in mind, I hugged her like a bag of treasure.
My bag of treasure that will bring me salvation.
