Chapter 17
Ugh…
Usually, I would start off with something to say here, but today…? Not really, it’s just pain,
If you want to know what I mean… Well, first of all, I just woke up, the first to do so actually.
And if you can't tell…
‘Uncomfortable…’
Currently I'm being sandwiched by my sister and my friend on my very own bed, how depressing.
One person is hugging me like I'm a body pillow while the other is resting on my breasts as if they are comfortable pillows…
It's an unbelievable situation, really. So unbelievable in fact that one would ask how it even happened…
Oh well, not too much I can do about it… Ah, but I am curious as to why I'm the first to wake up again.
What I'm about to say sounds really horrible, but shouldn't Xia be the one to wake up before me? Well, that's only because it's the norm… Not that I'm that much of a hopeless person or anything… Yeah, she is just an early waker…!
And as for the other person… Well, I don't know Hui Xin’s sleep patterns, so I can't really judge. That's that I suppose?
Hmm…
But still, I really do wonder why my little sister is so off today… She doesn't always come to sleep with me in bed of course, but when she does, I think it's probably to ease her heart? I don't really know, but I want to do my best to comfort her, so I readily accepted her.
Even so… what would make her so anxious that she wants to stay by my side even during sleep?
I wish she would tell me, hah…
Well, not that I can do much…
The best an idiot like me can do is offer a listen and maybe try to comfort her, but when it actually comes to solving the troubles…
If someone like Xia can't even solve it, what the hell can I even do…
Stroking Xia’s hair, I could only offer her a silent apology.
Sorry that your big sister is so useless, Xia, but I'll still try my best to help you.
With that said, I next looked towards the sleeping Hui Xin.
Honestly, I didn't want to talk about it, but she has her own case too, huh? It can't be helped, everyone has their own troubles after all.
What am I talking about, you ask? Well, just thinking of how to help this girl, that's all.
What's the problem? Well, I can't say for sure, but I have a hunch that she's secretly faking her emotions and feelings.
At first I thought she is only doing this because she feels forced to or something else, but she was able to show such a genuine smile when she told me we’re friends, so that can't be right…
I wonder what could possibly be the issue…
What a dilemma, really. An ordeal too harsh for an idiot like me, sigh…
Well, I hope we will eventually grow close enough that she directly tells me or it would get resolved by then, that would be for the best, yes.
I don't want to be a busybody and rush her, so I should let her take her time with stuff…
Hmm? When did I have this hunch? All the way when I first met her, of course.
Why did I not talk about it sooner…? Well… it feels wrong to just talk about someone else’s troubles, you know…? Even if it's just my own thoughts, privacy is important, yes…
It's definitely not because I was too lazy…!
Anyways…! That's besides the point… What I want to say is that these two people beside me clearly have troubles that they can't easily express, and I really want to help them but can't.
Am I overstepping it? Likely, but it still feels wrong to just leave it at that.
Last time Xia came crying after all, I would rather not repeat that incident again. My little sister should have the brightest smiles in the world, not a sorrow-filled cry. It breaks my heart to see her like that.
That goes for just about anyone too. I don't really like to see sad people, it just makes things worse, that's why I try to help with the best of my abilities when I can.
Though it's all for a selfish reason, so I'm not a good person or anything of course.
I'm a garbage human after all, someone who shouldn't really exist.
And since I'm such a garbage human, I won't tolerate this any further…!
Being sandwiched in sleep is already bad enough, but I'm not looking forward to it when I'm awake…! I'm not getting into body harassment part 2!!
Even if it means waking them up…
“Umm girls…? Can I get up now?”
…
Okay, so that was a stupid question…
…
“Excuse me… I'm going to get up no—Kya?!”
Or not…
I really tried getting up, but I immediately got slammed back down by the collective effort of the two, how scary…
I'm giving up too easily? Well, there's a line between forcing yourself and accidentally hurting them… I don't want to cross that…
Being forceful isn't worth it, Jia Lin wants to retreat….
I'm their plaything now, how shameful…
Ugh… Guess I'm staying like this again…
Please help me.
◈
Fortunately, aside from the uncomfortableness of being used as a human sized pillow, nothing else happened.
Now before you yell at me, saying that I should've just kept yelling until they woke up…
Please don't… I've realized how stupid I was, okay? And let's just say that I don't really want to wake them up, yes. Sleep is an important resource after all. It would be bad to ruin it.
…
Hah…
Anyways~ That’s besides the point, yes? What you want to know is… actually, I don’t even know what you want to know… You’re not even real…
Hmm, on that topic, I’ve heard somewhere that talking to yourself is a good way to get rid of loneliness, so maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh on myself?
I’m so amazing after all~ A person who doesn’t need human contact to ward off loneliness~!
…
Yeah, sorry… I’m dying from embarrassment from that statement too…
…
Well, I’ve also heard talking to stuffed animals also helps.
Now, my room does have a bit of them, specifically ones that my sister has given me since forever. I haven’t really found a use for them, but maybe it’s worth a try?
Grabbing a hand-sized bear plushie, I started on the process of communication.
This bear shall be named Mr Teddy, yes?
Mr Teddy, are you satisfied with that?
Nod.
Wow that’s great, Mr Teddy, that’s your name from today onwards!
…
Now then! How’s your day, Mr Teddy?
…
Nod once if you’re happy, shake your head once if you’re not…?
Nod.
Ah, that’s great! If you’re happy, I’m happy too! Mr Teddy is the best!
…
Why say once if the options are so different? Well, I need to be clear, don’t I? The key to a prim and proper conversation is to be clear, right? You understand that much, Mr Teddy?
Nod, nod.
See, you get it right? That’s really amazing of you!
…
“...”
Hah… What the hell am I even doing with my life…
I put the plushie aside and rethink my life choices. Honestly, what am I even doing at this point…? Playing and talking to plushies at my age… How horrible…
Well, on the bright side, it was all internal and no one saw it, so it’s okay I suppose?
“Aww, you should’ve continued! It was cute!”
“...?”
Or not… Hui Xin was somehow there, witnessing the entire process of my mental downfall, how depressing…
Honestly, I don’t even have the energy to be embarrassed anymore… Can I just kill myself right now and here? No? How depressing +2
“I wasn’t talking with Mr Teddy.”
“You even gave it a name? How cute!! I almost want to hug you ahhh!!!”
And… I misspoke…
“Please don—Ack!”
Anyways, I spent the remainder of my misery within the clutches of this social monster.
How depressing +3
Wait, don’t spin me—Ahhh!!
◈
I lied, the hug wasn’t for that long actually, she let go after like 10 seconds so there’s no need to be so overdramatic about it.
The spin that happened afterwards…? Shut up…
“Anyways, aside from the hug, do you need something, Hui Xin?”
“Ah, that? I was actually going to tell you that I’m going back home!”
“Oh, this early? You should at least have lunch before you go.”
“Thank you for the offer, but I’ll have to go now since my pick-up driver is coming in like 30 minutes!”
“Ah, is that so? That can’t be helped then, hope you had a good stay, Hui Xin.”
“No problems! Thanks to you, it was really fun!! I hope I can come over again someday!”
“Yeah, you’re more than welcome to stay here next time.”
“Hehe! When I come back, let’s go to more fun places, preferably with your sister, she’s really cute too!”
“Haha… Yeah… Let’s do that?”
“Don’t sound so uncertain, it’s not like we can’t communicate! You have my contact now, right? I’ll send details through it later so don’t miss out!”
“Yeah, that’s right, I’ll check my messages, don't worry.”
“Alright, no time now, Jia Lin! Gotta go!!”
“Ah, let me at least see you off!”
…
In the end, I said my goodbyes with Hui Xin as she hurried left for the designated spot.
Really, what an unexpected guest and outcome.
“...”
Let’s go back, yeah.
There’s nothing to be gained from standing and staring out after all.
I’ve always wanted to express so much more, cry out so much that I lose myself in my emotions, I wanted to do that.
Though I could never seem to utter anything when it actually comes to it.
…
Was it a good thing? I don’t know, I really don’t.
All I know is that it always left me empty, just like now.
There was so much I wanted to say to Hui Xin, so much more. I wanted to know her more, to understand her better, to be someone actually meaningful in her life.
But in the end, I just did nothing and stood there, as she left.
Why am I like this? It’s not like she is going to leave forever. I’m going to see her again this week, yeah. I can talk to her through my phone, yeah. I can check up on her through messages in our contacts, yeah.
So why am I still so empty?
Really, what an unexpected person, I wasn’t ready at all.
It can’t be helped.
Thinking that, I walked back to the living room, resuming what would be another ordinary day.
…
Actually, come to think of it, I’m the only one in the house right now. Wow, I really did leave Hui Xin alone for that long, huh? What a horrible host…
Dad left for work early, Xia already went to school, and mom, who would be sleeping by this time, is actually out with uncle on a business trip.
I’m alone.
Alone in the house.
This isn’t really that uncommon actually, though today I’m strangely self-conscious about it.
…
Sometimes I would feel weird like this, a strange feeling where I’m more perceptive of my surroundings for no reason at all. I wonder what this is called? Though I’d probably be too stupid to understand it anyway.
Knowing that much, I went to the kitchen to do ‘something’.
The kitchen is well… a kitchen. There’s nothing special about it, of course.
If I were a cook, I could probably go on long and lengthy explanations on how everything in here works, but that’s not really how it works. Though the kitchen is also equipped with the dining table, so maybe that’s something worthy to note about?
But that’s not my objective here, I’m no cook and I certainly don’t think I can learn to be one. I’m just here for one thing.
Looking around for that one thing, I quickly found what I wanted, grabbed it and gave it a quick rinse by the sink.
It was a knife.
An ordinary knife, probably bought for a decent price, though that’s not really important.
It was sharp enough, that’s its purpose.
I raised the knife and aimed the cutting side of the blade just close enough to my neck.
It might seem surprising, but please don’t be alerted by what I am about to do. It’s normal.
Really, it’s a normal feeling.
Pressing it, just pressing the sharp edge of the blade on my tender, vulnerable skin. A connection was felt without much reaction.
Press it harder, and now some signs of pain started to show. It stings a little.
I stopped there, going further could be annoying.
Taking a look at the knife, now somewhat bloodstained, I pondered.
Actually, I lied, I didn’t think too much of it really.
It hurts, but that’s all.
It only hurts.
Why am I like this? Honestly, I have no idea.
Why did I do this? That’s a great question, I don’t know.
Come to think of it, I’d once said that I did this back when I was younger, didn’t I? Though that time was right after a near-accident.
…
Touching the self-inflicted wound, I could only take a glance at the now bloodstained hand of mine.
It probably wasn’t a serious wound, but it still bled this much, how troublesome.
…
I tasted the blood.
It tasted metallic, almost a rich salty flavour that I can’t really explain. Apologies, but I’m not really a gourmet, you see? So please cut me some slack.
Though not a bad taste, it would be best if I don’t do this again. I don’t want to be caught after all. Especially after my delusional declarations to change.
Really, what a filthy person that I am.
If I wanted to change so badly, why am I even doing this? It’s a perfectly healthy body with healthy relationships now, right? So why am I still hurting myself like this, feeling so empty like this?
I don’t know, I really don’t.
If I had any idea, I probably wouldn’t be like this to begin with. I probably can’t blame it on impulse too, I felt too in control. So what else could I say?
I’m fully sane while I’m not? Really, it’s too hard to explain myself.
Anyhow, pondering on this for too long isn’t a good thing, I should probably clean up now.
I hope I remember where the bandages are located. It's a bit silly of me to only think of that now after self-harming, but what could I do?
I’m an idiot after all.
Never change, Jia Lin, you could never change.
Today’s me is like this, I wonder what tomorrow me will think of what happened today?
Speaking like this makes me feel like I have split personalities, but I don’t know how else to describe it, you see?
Mood swings, maybe? Yeah, that sounds somewhat right. I hope I snap out of this soon, it’s a bit annoying to feel like this.
Today’s Jia Lin is empty, so tomorrow’s Jia Lin is probably something else? Hopefully a more positive me.
After seeing my friend off, I ended up in a half-crazed dilemma that even I couldn’t understand. Really, what a hopeless person I am.
Without much more to say, I continued the clean up.
