Chapter 5

“Huff… Not even that long of a day but I already want to sleep…”

After returning back home, that was all that I could muster. It really can’t be helped, I just felt too tired, so no one would probably judge me if I instantly went back to bed, would they?

Well, even if they did, it doesn’t matter since I am already on the bed…

[11:23 A.M]

Hah…

I put down my phone after glancing at the time and let out a long, exaggerated sigh.

It’s only been about 5 hours since I woke up, not even a fourth of the day, yet it felt as if the whole day had already passed.

‘So damn annoying…’

At first… I guess I was happy…? Although suddenly becoming a woman was a bit of a shock, it didn’t really bother me much since I thought that I would still die.

But then? The doctor’s diagnosis came in like a wrecking ball and boom! All my hopes and dreams shattered in an instant… Well, not that I had any to begin with, but you get the point.

The situation reminded me of that one western influencer with a particularly large forehead positively cheering before despairing at a fail or something? I can’t really remember but I think it was like that.

I’m going off again, but point being: I feel really shitty right now…

It will get better soon? The amount of times I heard that is enough to make my ears bleed.

I wish it would get better too… I really do, but reality isn’t so kind.

If it actually gets better? Well I guess I’ll happily eat my words, but nine times out of ten? Hell, even ninety-nine times out of a hundred, it will never get better.

Never ever will.

While I am stupid enough to confuse myself on 1+1=3, I’m not stupid enough to not understand the despair of hoping for something that will never happen.

Huh… that actually sounded pretty smart just now? Wow, am I improving as a human?

No? Well, damn… all that self-esteem now magically disappeared along with my happiness.

…

Huh, stop talking to myself? Who are you to tell me what to do… You’re my own form of procrastination too?

…

Hahaha… Yeah, I really am messed up, aren’t I?

Anyways… I guess I was supposed to get some shuteye on the bed but somehow, I am not really that tired now. Huh, must be that healthy body perk in action… Neat.

On second thought, not really neat. What the hell am I supposed to do now…? I didn’t even plan anything for today since I really thought that I was going to die.

Now that path is completely blocked, I can’t really say that I know what to do next.

…Right, procrastination is one thing, but doing it with technology makes it slightly less silly.

I guess I devolved back to the dull tool of the shed… Hah, to think that I even forgot about my phone, the ultimate tool of procrastination.

Searching up similar victims of this gender-change disease might help? Otherwise I could just doomscroll online or read some novels I guess…

A sound idea on paper, but one that I’ll soon realize how stupid it really was.

As for finding people with similar symptoms… Not exactly working out well for obvious reasons.

Excluding the numerous fake articles, troll posts or even just delusional people that are somehow more mentally handicapped than me, there was not much relevant information that I could really find on this, so the first task was a marvelous failure.

There might be some actual relevant things that I missed or could’ve found if I searched for longer but I couldn’t really bother with it anymore.

This one here is also blessed (cursed) with a low attention span, so going further will make me want to kill myself! Figuratively, of course.

Which leads to the second part… My grave.

Doomscrolling… sounds ominous and bad, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it is.

Scrolling through one video at a time until you get stuck in the rhythm of doom that goes on and on until you arrive at the end of time itself.

Of course, that’s just an exaggeration but regrettably, the low attention span me fell into this like a fool and wasted precious hours into nothing…

[2:34 P.M]

And so… 3 hours (and 11 minutes)... gone just like that…

My precious time that could’ve been used for something more productive…

Well, I highly doubt that it would actually be used for anything better but still…

Ahh… 3 hours of my life that I can never get back…

Eh, oh well, that’s really just the end of it.

What, I was being overly dramatic for no reason? True, but exaggerated reactions are always more fun even if it’s fake, aren’t they? Prank channels on Youtube are a great example…

Get to the point? Ah yes, so you must have understood by now that it is impossible for an idiot like me to only waste 3 hours of my life doomscrolling, right?

You’ll be correct in that regard! Congrats, you get an imaginary medal or something… Yay? Either way, what I want to say is that I was rudely(thankfully) interrupted while wasting away my precious hours…

Knock! Knock!

Yes, by that knocking sound right there. Now I’m seriously contemplating what to do… Do I answer or do I pretend to fall asleep?

My bond with my family isn’t so deep that I can distinguish who is behind the door, but if I had to make a guess, it probably isn’t dad.

So that leaves Xia and mom, which leads to two completely different outcomes…

If I answer and it’s mom… Ugh, I can’t imagine the awkwardness of that situation.

If it’s Jia Xia on the other hand, well I guess it won’t be that bad but the cons still outweigh the pros!

Is what I’d say… but I’m stupid, so I clearly forgot the 3rd option.

“Uh sister? Are you asleep in there…? If not, can we talk?”

Ah yes, the third option of waiting for the person behind the door to talk and identify that voice.

A simple and sound choice that I failed to comprehend… Well, at least now I know it’s Xia who is knocking on my door.

Sigh

Silly me, really.

“I’m coming in, sister…”

Huh..? Wait??

“Ah right, the door was never lock—”

…

And that’s how my sister saw me who was clearly awake, hanging upside down by the edge of the bed.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I was hanging upside down the entire time.

Don’t ask me, I don’t know how it happened either…

***

“So, you want to go out for a walk… and you want me to join you, Xia?”

“Ah, yeah you can think of it like that… Is that too much?”

Seeing Jia Xia like that hurts me a little inside.

Despite my horrible personality, I still tried to be a good broth—sibling to her, you know? I’m not going to eat her or anything, so I really wonder why she is hesitating that much.

A decent older sibling would always cherish their younger siblings, wouldn’t they?

“Not really, can’t sleep, so going out seems like a good idea. Thanks, Xia.”

“Ah…! I-I’ll go and get ready soon, w-wait for me, big sis!”

“Eh? I won’t be that fast, you know… Take your time, Xia—Ah, there she goes…”

Sigh

Well, since I promised my cute little sister that I’ll go out with her, as the older… sister, I should let her enjoy herself.

Hah, I’m still getting used to referring to myself as female but I’ll get there eventually.

Anyhow, despite wasting more than 3 hours on the bed, I don’t really feel like bathing yet, so I suppose I’ll just wear a jacket over my current clothes.

That will be fine, right?

…

Later, Jia Xia scolded me after seeing my sloppy outfit and forced me to bathe before we could go out.

Ah, that entire process delayed us by an extra 2 hours.

So much for being a decent older sibling…

***

When you go out to have a walk with someone, you usually do it with a friend or significant other, right? You wouldn’t usually do it with someone like family, would you? Not that I have much experience in this though.

Regardless, what I want to say is that I have absolutely no idea what I should do in this situation.

I did say that I will join my sister on a walk, but I don’t really know what we could be doing in this situation…

Are we really just going to have a walk and do nothing else? Or will we have a couple of small talk in between?

Though considering how distant we’ve been these days, I don’t think much small talk would be possible.

Well, they probably would be possible, just will always end in an awkward silence.

Oh, technically the current situation also fits that bar.

Really, I’ve just been following my sister ever since we got out of home.

Surprisingly or should I say unsurprisingly, our parents didn’t say much about going out, just that we should return early.

Hearing that as a 19 year old… didn’t particularly feel great considering I am an adult now.

Then again, I am also the same 19 year old who dropped out of college and failed at various things.

Huh, now their concerns seem awfully realistic… How depressing.

Oh well, I’ll just pretend that mom said that to Xia instead of the two of us.

Wait, that makes me look like a terrible sister… Hah, this is troublesome. As the decent older sister that I strive to be, I will take the hit gracefully and move on! Applause for your big sister’s sacrifice please, Xia!!

Ah, but she wouldn’t even know this and it was likely a concern directed at me to begin with… My self esteem yet again has been shattered…

Thinking like this wouldn’t really help much with the situation so engaging small talk with Xia would probably be a good choice.

“Say, Xia, you wanted to go out and have a walk but do you have anywhere in mind to go?”

“Huh? What do you mean sister—Ah, I’m sorry, I didn’t explain it well enough and made you misunderstand.”

“Huh…?”

“Well, your old clothes don’t really fit you well now, do they?”

“Uh huh…?”

“And you don’t really have stuff that any normal girl would have.”

“Well, yeah? Since it’s only been less than a day. What are you getting at, Xia?”

“Considering that, wouldn’t it be a good time to go out together and pick out the necessary stuff? I’ll help you pick up the essentials and teach you how to live as a girl from now on.”

“...?”

I think my brain just committed suicide…?

Xia wants to help me… learn how to become a girl? Ah, but that’s not the important part. She essentially wanted to go shopping with me to help me look for women's items.

While I did say that having my gender changed isn’t really that much of a big deal, dealing with these ordeals is still far from ideal…

I know how annoying it is to do the girl routine considering I had just experienced a part of it since this morning.

I did say that me preparing took an extra 2 hours, right? Nearly an hour and a half of that was spent on bathing, you know?! That much time for a bath is a bit extreme, no?

I did hear that women tend to spend more time in baths, but this is too absurd, isn’t it?

Having to do that already is annoying enough, imagine that there are other ‘girl-related’ things that I’ll have to keep my mind on…

Goodbye, free time… not that I ever used you wisely to begin with.

“It would be nice to have it sorted out early, right? That’s why I want to help you now.”

“Yeah… You’re right, Xia, it’s better to have it sorted out early I guess… I’m in your debt again, haha…”

“Don’t mention it, doing this is fun too. Back home is too stuffy.”

“Alright.”

In the end, after hearing my sister’s explanation that unfortunately is too logical for me to refute and escape from, I couldn’t help but resign myself to my fate.

Well, in a way I was also looking forward to it too. It’s been a long time since I spent time with Xia, so honestly, I am a bit excited despite how much I’m grumbling.

Yes, with that thought, I was looking forward to the next few hours that I’ll spend with my sister.

Ah, but I do hope that my sister wouldn’t try to doll me up like those fiction stories.

Who am I kidding, Xia isn’t the kind of person who’ll do that.

She is my bright and cool little sister who easily gives off the ‘ice princess’ aura that is mentioned in stories, so the image of a person who holds up multiple clothes forcing the main girl to try them all out honestly isn’t something that I can see in my sister.

Yeah, she… wouldn’t do that, right?

Ending my thoughts with that, I quietly followed my sister to our destination.