48
He stood in the living room, filling the space, so familiar yet so out of place now. Obviously uneasy. Rose moved to the kitchen and filled the kettle, unsure what else to do or how to behave now that they were both in here alone. Her whole being paused momentarily, waiting for him to make the first move. To say something first.
Fixing her hair with her fingers and smoothing her dress, trying to catch her reflection in the chrome of the kettle to wipe any make up smudges from under her eyes, she made herself a little less wild and more presentable. The alcohol in her blood was fast dispersing and the new adrenaline coursing instead had sobered her up greatly.
Walking back through she found him sitting in the armchair, perched on the front of the seat holding a framed picture of Abby and Rose on an outing. It was one she loved dearly, wrapped in each other’s arms with huge smiles on both of their faces. He looked up at her as she approached, sliding the picture back onto the small side table with a lingering look. He seemed ready to say something, his whole manner screamed it, so she waited quietly.
‘I regret the way it ended Rose...I shouldn’t have let it happen that way. We should have at least talked about it face to face first, talked when I got back.’ He dropped his hands between his legs, resting his elbows on his knees and hunched a little. So much strength in that body that it was distracting her.
She bit her lip, quietly studying his face, sensing he had more to say and unsure what to even respond anyway.
‘I stayed away longer than I needed too. I figured we could both use the thinking space.’ He stood up, walking to the mantle, resting his one arm on the top and gazing down into the stacked wood, ready for colder nights moving in. ‘When I saw you that night. I should have done this then, but I couldn’t trust myself. It was too soon. I wasn’t ready to see you.’ He glanced over at her, checking for her response and making sure she was listening.
Of course, she was!
He watched her walk to the couch and sit down gently. Unsteady on her feet and in need of a little support, careful movements under his scrutiny and unsure how to feel.
‘I acted like an idiot. You deserved more.’ Walking back towards her, he kneeled in front of her at her feet, taking her dainty soft hands in his ‘I owed you more.’ She looked away, unable to keep control while he looked at her like that. Her bottom lip trembling so that she put it between her teeth to quell the urge to break.
‘Rose? I am sorry I really am. I understand why it couldn’t work. I agree. If things had kept going the same way, it would have ended us anyway.’ His voice was strained and husky.
It didn’t make it hurt any less with him saying the words, it just caused her eyes to fill with tears. Seeing her pain, he got up, moving to beside her on the couch and pulled her against his side. His arm loosely around her shoulders, his chin resting on her head.
‘I don’t want to think about tomorrow or the next day when it comes to you. It’s too hard to imagine. I was trying to take each day and moment as it came. Trying to deal with it the best way I could so that I could still function. When I saw you I couldn’t help myself, I just wanted to reach out!’ Rose was trying not to melt into his arms and body, trying not to lose her mind at his closeness and warmth.
‘I can’t do it that way Rob.’ She couldn’t bring herself to face him, still staring blankly at the window away from him, feeling his heart beating through the wall of his chest and trying not to get lost in his arms. ’It’s too hard. ‘
Even sitting here like this was a horrible bittersweet pain.
‘I know!... That’s why I came here... To end this the right way Rose. To set the ground rules...I think we both need to lay things out on the table. To have you tell me what you need to make this easier on you.’ It was a simple request, a mature request but somehow it was sheer agony having him talk to her about the breakup this way. So calm and final, his tone even and sure. No hint of tears in the way she was falling apart.
She thought for a moment, taking her time to really think about what she needed from him, pushing herself to be rational. He waited, guessing her silence was because she was trying to figure it out.
‘I need us to avoid each other until I can stand being around you.’ She pulled away from him and dried her eyes. Standing up to take position at the mantle as he had previously done and telling herself distance was what she needed to do this, his touch was still too potent. ‘I need you to stop laying hands on me so effortlessly when all your touch does is make me want to crumble and cry.’ She glanced at him, watching him silently agreeing, reluctance on his face. ‘I need to not see you wrapped in her arms wherever I turn.’
‘There’s still nothing between her and I. I promise.’ He cut in quickly, seriousness on his face and in his tone.
‘It doesn’t make it easier seeing her all over you though.’ After all she was the reason her heart was shattered into a million tiny flakes.
‘Agreed.’ His voice steady and determined, he leant forward, again resting elbows on his knees and studying her face. ‘It will get easier
Rose.’
‘Don’t!’ She stalked away from him to the far window, smoothing back the drapes to stare into the garden. ‘I don’t need to hear statements like that for a start. Not from you!’
Her body bristled and exploded in goose bumps as she felt him move up behind her unexpectedly. His torso brushing her back lightly as his hand came up to slide down a strand of loose hair. They both knew there was nothing more that could be said, and this was just prolonging the pain.
‘I will do whatever it takes. Whatever you want. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I have already.’ He turned her slowly to face him, coming close enough to almost touch noses. Gazing at her as he pulled together his own thoughts. ‘Is that all? Nothing else you need from me?’
She shrugged, unsure what else he could do to make the pain go away but at least it was a start.
‘There’s one thing that I want... Something that I think we both need. To say goodbye properly. To always remember, even when you’re looking at me like you hate me.’ He smiled softly, his hand coming to her cheek gently. His eyes fully locked on hers and sending a thousand tiny fireworks across her skin. Her body trembled in anticipation.
‘What?’ Her breathless response indicated she already knew the answer as he moved in towards her, slowly tilting her chin and first rubbing his nose against hers. Lingering to breathe her in and looking into her dark brown eyes. He bent down towards her, kissing her slowly, gently at first and full of meaning. A slow brushing together, a parting of lips as he moved in and captured her fully. Deepening the kiss as his arms moved around her to completely encircle her against him.
It was one of those long slow tender kisses you read about in romance novels. So much more meaningful than hot fiery open-mouthed snogs. This was the kind of kiss you remembered for a lifetime, that plagued your sleep in those restless dark nights when you least wanted it too. Their mouths fitting perfectly, effortless motion and the deepest rising of emotion from the pit of her stomach.
It was the worst kind of goodbye, because it only highlighted the perfection in their compatibility. She had longed for the touch of his lips again. Ached to feel him around her in that soft tender way, cradling her and making her feel safe and loved. She didn’t want it to end and it seemed neither did he. They kissed until tears began to slip down her cheeks and then some before he finally broke away. Smoothing back her hair and wiping the wetness from her face. His eyes raw with emotion, he stared into her eyes for a long moment, his thumb brushing her cheek as he cradled her face one last time. Pulling back regretfully, slowly as though he just couldn’t let her go willingly and then he turned and left without a backwards glance, almost as though he couldn’t.
Leaving her feeling cold and empty and desolate.
Rose opened the floodgate and cried in a way she thought she had exhausted over the weeks.
