Going Crazy

Jenna/Sr. Claire

"Forgive me, Lord." I kiss my cross tied to my necklace and place it in the top drawer.

After another breakdown, I never bother to show my face at lunch or dinner. It is another day and I have been sitting here thinking of what to do until I made up my mind.

And what I am going to do may sound crazy. However, for once I want to go crazy because I am going crazy of what had happened to me in the past. These people who claim to love, to know, and to say sorry to me are making me unstable again. I need to breathe. I need to live a little and just forget everything.

I look at myself in the mirror once again. "This is it," I said to my reflection. Taking a deep breath, I check my skinny jean, spaghetti top, and my two-inch heel.

"It's time for Jenna to let loose" I mutter and grab my purse from the nightstand. I slowly close the door behind me and about to walk through the hallway way when a voice stops me.

"You're going somewhere?" I turn to find Colby standing at the door of his room. His eyes taking in my appearance. For a split second I saw disappointment in the way he eyes me up, but I did not care because I don't anymore.

"Look you can judge me all you want but I am not a baby to be taken care of. I thank you for your hospitality but doesn't give you the right to go all daddy and Saint on me."

"I wasn't judging you" he said. "Oh, so what's that disappointed look then" I retorted and that got him to shut up.

"Jen-" I stop him. "Don't... Please... Not now Colby" I said and try to hold back my tears.

"I just want to let you know that I'm not judging you... I will never do that to you... If there is anyone here who understands you that would be me... I know what you're going through, and I am sorry if I wasn't there for you... But know this, Jen... All I want you to be is not anyone else. Don't push to be yourself like others and turn another direction" he said and left to go inside his room, leaving me out there.

I wipe off the tears and I move away from my room. I didn't want to think any more about Colby's word, so I walk out of the house as soon as I can.

As I was walking, I hear someone calling me. I ignore it and continue to walk. "Hey, Claire" he shouted. I look back over my shoulder and see Jude come running up to me.

"Where are you going? And I have to admit you look sexy and smoking hot" he said and let out a whistle. I scoff at his reactions and turn to walk but he stopped me.

"Where are you going?" he asks again.

"Anywhere where my legs lead me" I deadpan.

"Ahhh you want to hang out with me then?" he suggested. I narrow my eyes and thought for a moment before answering him. "Okay, I will."

He smiled and led the way.

"So, you and Jenna?" I ask as we slump back to our seats. We are both tired from bowling and car race.

"Nothing happened. I lied" he causally answer.

"Good, now you owe me. Where could be the best place to let out your stress."

"I thought we already did that" he replied.

I folded my arms and gave him a serious look. "Try again"

"Club?" he suggested, and I could see that he is unsure of his recommended place.

"Hell yeah," I reply and stand up to go with him. Jude scratches the back of his hair.

"What?" I ask.

"I thought you were going to say no" he replies. "Ehhh just take me there and then you can disappear."

He shook his head and force himself to stand up. I know he hates it but again I do not care.

No matter how much he hated the idea of taking me to the club, but he has no other options besides I will still go even if he doesn't. No one can stop.

Anyone can argue it's not a place for me, even I know it too be, but I just want to be free for tonight. I want to go crazy and have fun tonight just to numb my pain.

I ignore all the stares from the pack members at the club tonight and walk in like this is my kinda place and I own it. I bet they are guessing why a nun is doing in a club.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asks unsure. He looks beside me, and I know what he is thinking.

"Don't even think of it. Now hit me with your best shot. Make it strong or whatever" I order him, and he quickly scurries away. "I am watching you" I call after him.

"Jenna, I don't think this is a good idea," said Jude but I ignore him.

The bartender shows up with my drink. I held it up to assess it before taking a sip. It tasted horrible and it's too strong for my liking, but I still pretend it's good.

"Where have you been all my life?" I refer to the drink in my hand. I force another sip and put on a grin. Jude let out a heavy sigh.

"I am so in trouble" I hear him mutter.

"Don't worry you won't" I said and turned to go to the dance floor. However, when I saw a bottle in front of a gay couple. It screams Spirytus something. Oh wow! I turn back to the bartender.

"What's the difference between my shot and that bottle?" I ask him sweetly.

"That's a Spíritus Stawski Ms. A very strong drink and you're having-"

"Ahhh" I cut him off by putting my index finger on his mouth.

"I want that bottle" I blurted.

"You...mean" the bartender looked at the bottle and I shook my head yes. Scratching the back of his head he fetches me a Spíritus bottle.

"Thank you and bless your soul child," I said and slam the bill on the counter including a tip. "Let's go crazy" I shout to the crowd and Jude let out a long sigh. He grabs his drink and follows me to the dance floor.

The song changed and I started to sway my hips. I look back at Jude who shook his head no. I wriggle my brow and pull him forward. We make stupid moves and laugh to ourselves, then we drink again. I never felt like this before even though I feel a bit guilty.

I beg God to let me off this once. I just want to experience and feel what it's like to be crazy. The song stops and I look around to see what's going on. The lights dim for a minute before it turned on. Everyone makes sounds and I look at the bar to see girls seductively moving their hips as a new song drops.

"Pshhh" I grab the Spirits Stawski and drink what I can take down my throat. Afterward, I then move in the girls' direction, but a hand stops me.

"What are you doing?" asked Jude number three. Gosh, I didn't know Jude is a triplet. I pinch Jude's number three on the cheek.

"Cute" I push him away and continue to walk to the bar. "YOU" I pointed to the girls in their miniskirts. "Down. NOW" I order two ladies and pull them down from the bar.

I jump on the counter and try to steady myself once I am on top. I feel giddy when hearing the song. I move my hips, swaying them from side to side before dropping low which earns me whistles. The last thing I remember was the disapproving look of Shawn and Colby.

However, who gives a shit about them. I am going crazy and who's a fault. 'Them.'

~~~~

I woke up with a migraine. I wince and try to shake my head. Shawn handed me the pill and water. I thankfully took it from him and drinks it. When I feel good, I stood up to leave but he got down before me and hold on to my legs. His hands brushed the bare skin of my knees.

I feel weird as I have never been this close to any man. Maybe I was in the past or maybe not, but it still feels weird. In my head, there is a voice saying that it's wrong.

"Jenna," he nervously said. "Is it okay if I call you Jenna?" he asks, and I don't reply.

"I am going to win your heart and trust again Jenna. My beautiful Jenna," he promised..