Mate or God?

Jenna/Sr. Claire

Thoughts flow in my head. I don't know what to do anymore. There is still a part of me who longs to stay here with my mate but then, there's another life I have as a human. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy.

After my Mother's Superior left, I stay inside my room and skipped dinner. Her words today made open my eyes and brought me back to Colby's question and now I didn't even get a good sleep as I am indecisive about what to do and who to choose.

My thoughts keep going back and forth. I am conflicted as I look at the promising glover Shawn gave me over and over again before I pray again to God to show me the way by giving me a sign.

After hours of wondering in the darkness of my world. Finally as if something dawned on me, I thought of a perfect way to solve all these doubts and unanswered questions I have. I get up right away on my feet. I know where to go to find my answers.

I run out of the house and follow the trail that I used when I was running away. I hope she still lives there. That was one of my thoughts on my way to her. Thankfully I see her cottage there. Four years ago I stood in front of this door in desperation to escape from my harsh reality. I knock on the nervously and after a second it slowly opens and there stood the woman who helped me escape before.

"Hey" I wave at Lucia who crushes me in a hug. "I never thought I will ever see you again. You look so well and so good...well, except for the bags under your eyes. I bet you didn't get a good sleep" she said and stepped aside letting me in her cottage. I sit on one of the chair while she stood at the door frame in her living room, observing me for a second.

"Anyways, where have you been my dear?" she asks.

"Busy, recovering," I told her and she winces at my word.

"I see what can I do for you this time dear?" asked Lucia. I let out a sigh. I sounded exhausted this time.

"I don't know" I answer.

"Jenna, it's okay. You can tell me" I close my eyes for a moment before opening them. "I have forgiven them but I haven't forgotten what they did to me," I sadly confess the truth to her.

"So many people have tried to help and for that, I thought I was okay. After feeling another burden uplift I thought I am going to be fine but.... every time I see and talk to them I then find myself back to where everything started."

I pause for another second trying to calm myself. "I want to forget Lucia. Everything they did to me I want to forget it all but logically my head is not agreeing with me" I cry out to her.

Lucia hug me. "So please made me forget. I want to live happily with them without looking back at what they did" I beg her.

"Jenna," Lucia said as she get down on her knees and level her eyes with me. "Are you sure it's what you want?" she asks.

"Yes, please I wanted so bad to forget. Maybe then the pain I had gone through will be erased forever."

Lucia looked at me with sympathy. She stands up. "Very well. I will make you forget. But I will inform others to be here. After all today you're deciding on what to do and no matter what I'll always be here for you."

I didn't want to disagree because I am so determined that this is what I want and what I thought is best for everyone. After she calls them. She ushers for me to follow her.

"Thank you."

Lucia led me to a bed in one of the two rooms in her cottage. She let me lay on it with my back straight. She places her spellbook on the table and sprays water all over me. She then sprinkles the salts around the bed. When she's done getting things set and in place. She began to chant ancient words and at the same time, my head is running with different thoughts and scenarios.

I don't know how many seconds or minutes have gone by. However, my head was still filled with what I wanted to do. Once I realized something I scream at Lucia.

"Stop...Stop...Stop" Lucia stopped chanting her spell. She hurriedly came up to me and check me over. Whether I was hurt or not. I stopped her again. "I am fine" I reassure her with a smile. She let out a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong with you child?" she said in relief. "I am sorry for the trouble but I just realized something." I sit up from the bed and adjust my clothes. I apologize to Lucia over and over again for causing trouble to her. I was to walk out when she stops me.

"What will you do then?" she asks, raising her brow.

"Some people may go back in time to relive the memory and feel the loved but honestly I am happy. The convent taught me so many things. People may say it's a lonely life but I disagree. " I see that she is still confused with my words.

"What I am trying to say is, if I am to choose the life of Claire then it means I have to say my goodbye to Shawn and everyone. Oh yes, if it's that way I'm choosing then, I am taking my mother with me. She has no one here and I would love to spend my time with her until her last breath. I know we were not on good terms before but she's my mom. Despite her flaws, she brought me into this world."

I stop there and run another scenario in my head. Then I continue to say.

"If I am to stay with them and be happy with Shawn then I will try my best to start learning how to love Shawn and spent my moments with everyone here. I will let my mom move in with us and all will be well. No complications or another heartbreak. I will live happily and in love with Shawn. Maybe even have children of my own that I always long to have."

After saying out my options and possibilities I turn to Lucia who looks at me in amusement. Her arms cross in front of her chest. We stand there in silence.

"You know Jenna," she broke up the silence. "I am going to ask this once. I hope you will not give me a quick reply but give it deep thought" She didn't break our eye contact which makes me nervous. "Say you choose the first option. Don't you think your move is going to tell them that you haven't forgiven them?"

Her question caught me off guard. I didn't think of it. However, when I think of my chosen option and reasons I smile.

"I just realized today that when I am on that bed, as Jenna I have always run from everything. I always find it in my heart to forgive but what I didn't do as Jenna was learning to move on. So, here I am taking the first step toward that. I am moving on with my life now."

"What will you do Jenna?" Lucia called after me. I stop and look back at her with a smile on my face.

"What makes me happy" I answer.

She nods her head in approval as if she knows what I am going to choose. She then walk up to me and hugged me. "Everything will be fine and you'll be fine dear. I'm so proud of you child," she whispers. "Are you ready?" she said as she pull back and open the door.

"Hell yeah!"