I Can't

Xylo's POV

I am still grieving for the death of someone I really love. It doesn't get better each day. The phrase 'time heals' sucks because it never helped me, time wasn't able to subside the pain and regret that I am feeling. It doesn't change even a bit, I can still feel her with me. I can still see her everywhere and I wish it really is true, but it never did. She is now residing in my thoughts, and never in the reality again.

I felt lost, I don't know where to start. I feel like moving from one places to another because I could see her anywhere. I could still feel her in every places that I go to. Especially in our kingdom, I could see her everywhere and I could only stare at my hallucinations because those were the only way I could see her again.

Maybe, I wasn't healing and moving because I still want to linger with the memories that she has left. I cannot let her go, I cannot forget everything that she made me felt and everything that we have done. Damn, letting go was never my attitude. I could never let go someone who is that special and I wonder if she is angry with me for not letting her go.

It is impossible to let her go, how could I? I still have plans for us, there is still the rest of the life time that we should have spent together. But she left me here, all alone, with no idea on how to continue living this life. I am completely aware that there is still my pack, they were leaning on me but I am too selfish for that. All I could see is the pain and regret that I am feeling.

It was another day, when I decided to went to the falls where we used to met. I brought some liquor to somehow manage the pain that I am feeling inside. I was about to arrived at the place when I heard some footsteps running away from the falls.

I immediately dashed towards the falls and I was so fucked up when I smell her scent again. I couldn't be wrong, I can't be wrong. It was her scent and a mixture of another masculine scent. Fuck! I can't be hallucinating at this hour.

"Clary!" I screamed, I know that it is her scent! Heaven knows how I am too familiar with this scent.

There was no one in the falls, not even a trace of something. However, I am too sure that it was her scent. I couldn't go wrong, I can't be. It is broad day light and I haven't drink any alcohol. It must be her.

I dashed and scanned the whole forest to find her, she is not that far. I heard her footsteps running away earlier, she is not that far yet. I know she is not...

My heart gets heavier and heavier as the time passes and she is still nowhere to be found. I know it was her scent, there is another scent but it cannot mask hers.

Did I hallucinate again? Was I wrong? But it lingered in my senses, her scent lingered in my nose...I couldn't be hallucinating that much, right?

She was nowhere to be found in the forest. After hours of going around the forest and looking for her, my hope which has increased earlier is now crushing again. Was I really wrong? This has never happened before, I could imagine her in different places but I never exprienced smelling her scent.

When I went back to the falls, I tried my best to concentrate. I really tried my best to not be so emotional that could affect my rationality. I focused and tried to knock some sense in me in case that I was hallucinating things again...but I could still smell her scent. She was here, I cannot go wrong with this senses. I couldn't be hallucinating.

A glimpse of hope arise in my soul. I know that she was alive. She was here with someone, it must be her.

I decided to went home, with one thing in my mind - to find her. I will find her, wherever she is hiding. I must find her, or else I will go crazy thinking that my hallucination went too much. May it be in other dimension, I will find her. I cannot let her go...I must see her again.

I headed directly to the headquarters where our men are residing. I needed some wolves to secure the area near the falls, she will probably go back there.

"Chigo, stay for a while in the forest near the Vertina's territory." I ordered.

Our men was surprised to see me in their headquarters, I could see it in their facial expression. They are probably surprised to see me after months of being away.

"Carlos, you will be coming with me." I told him, with him still surprised with the sight of me.

He opened his mouth, "where are we going, Alpha?" His voice sounded concern but I could see that he was ready to follow my orders.

I tilted my head and looked away as I said, "we will looking for Clary...Vertina."

To my surprise, someone's fist landed in my face. Someone has punched me, I couldn't feel it though. I was to numb to feel that shit. When I looked as to where did that came from, I found Luigi looking so angry with his chest breathing heavily.

"Stop this bullshit, Xylo!" He then punched me once again, in front of our men. They looked away from that sight and directly went out of the headquarters, leaving me and my brother alone.

"Luigi, she is alive..." I said as I wiped the blood coming out at the side of my lips.

He punched my face once again, making it more numb. "Damn you, Xylo! She is not alive anymore!"

Another punch landed in my face, "let her fucking go!"

I couldn't do that, not ever.