She Left

Xylo's POV

"I'll be better, I will do anything...just don't say those lies again." I said, almost begging with everything that I can, when she did not answer my question if she was angry with me. I cannot ask her for forgiveness for not coming to her that night. I couldn't ask for forgiveness because I cannot forgive myself, too.

I cannot ask her to do that because I will never be forgiving myself for my stupidity.

I have searched everywhere, I have looked for her everywhere almost losing my mind that I am hallucinating things. I cannot let her go, not that I prayed every night for her to be alive. It was absurd, I cannot believe it myself too that I prayed for someone that I don't even believe to. I was desperate to see her alive and some of them said that if I pray, it will be granted.

All I prayed is for her to be alive...but now that she is right in front of me, I cannot help but be greedy to ask for another wish. A wish that I could held her in my arms and tell her that I missed her. I should start praying for that once again because I knew, it will be difficult to held her in my arms. It will be difficult especially with the hatred she has for me.

She struggled to let go of my grip again, but I am becoming so selfish for not letting her to get away from me. I know that I am being selfish...but I am afraid that if I let her go right now, she will be running away from me and that I will never see her again. I could see her determination to do that, but I can't let her go. Oh, God. No.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" She shouted once again.

I never heard her say vulgar words before, I never heard her say filthy things. I never heard her say trash words before. Something's definitely changed, but I can see through her...She is still there, she is still the same woman that I adore and love. And even if she's not the same person before, I could still be begging just for her to be with me.

Months have surely passed, I am not sure how many months have passed. I have lost count with the numbers, I stopped counting for days because I cannot look forward for a day without her... and now that I saw her, she was spending the night with some man.

I found her enjoying the night with a man that looks so happily in love with her, just the thoughts of it made me furious. They were wearing some accessories made for a couple, I saw it when they were in the tower. I saw how he hugged her, has she found someone better? I couldn't bear the thoughts of it, it was too much for me to handle.

I was angry seeing her with other man...but now that she is in front of me, all my frustrations melted. I could even begged for her to leave that man, I could begged for her to love me once again. I could beg...in my knees, I just cannot lose her. Not again.

"I'll do everything, just say it..." I told her once again, she is still struggling to get out of my grip.

"Leave me alone!" She shouted, as if she was ordering me. The anger ignited in her eyes and I cannot understand why.

Was she angry that I ruined her night with that man? Damn it, she is making me lose my mind. Damn.

"Baby...please," I begged, hoping for her to stop trying to get away from me. Hoping that it will somehow make her calm because I don't know what to do when she's looking so angry with me. I don't know what to do with her going so distant with me, it was painful to look at.

How am I supposed to make her calm? How am I supposed to calm the anger within her? Should I pray for that, too? Is prayer still effective when I want to hope and wish for more? Or is it a single-time thing? Whatever the answer, I guess I will be still praying for my wishes to come true. I could use some prayers again.

Damn, I sounded like I am losing my mind with all these divine thing I am saying. I probably have lost my mind. Damn, I just want to held her.

She held her dagger again and pointed it once again in my chest. I could see her gripping on it tight. She used to be afraid of daggers, she used to hate the daggers...and now she is holding it very well, she looks equipped and knowledgeable by the looks of it. What has happened to her? Was she really a different person? Was I really mistaken? No, it cannot be. I cannot be mistaken.

With my other hand, I held her hand holding the dagger and pointed it even more in my chest.

"Kill me then, Clary. Better than living this life without you." I said wholeheartedly. I mean it, she can kill me right here and I wouldn't move even an inch. I will give her everything, even my life just to prove her how much she means to me. Just to make her feel better, if it will make the anger within her subside then I will let her.

She looked surprised when I told her words, she did not imagine it coming. It made her stop from moving. It took her several minutes before masking her emotions once again.

This time, she looks confident and determined. Out of surprise, she abruptly kicked my knee that made me loosen my grip on both of her hands.

She, then, stabbed my thigh...and left.

Heaven must have heard my prayer to keep her alive, but she was too different now…