It Was Right

Clary's POV

"Kill me then, Clary. Better than living without you," he said. He sounded sincere when he said those words. His ruthless and dark expression made me think that he was sure when he said those absurd things.

I was too surprised when I heard him. I was surprised to hear that from him, the dagger almost slipped in my hand because of surprise. I couldn't believe him, I couldn't believe him ordering me to kill him. I cannot believe him saying death was better than living without me, he sounded sincere, though. But those were just words from him, I heard with my own ears that he was marrying Andrea. I cannot trust my ears, especially if it is coming from his mouth.

He is just too good at manipulating me and I will not make the same thing happen again. My love from him has gifted us a child, but it was the same love that took my child away from me. It was dangerous, it always has a benefit and a harm. The harm has always been much bigger, loving him has a price and I cannot afford to pay for that price. I am actually still not recovered with the price that I had to pay before and I do not think I will recover from it, not when I lost my child that I could have raised myself, with the family I have right now. The pain from that lost, I will make them pay for it and things will not end today. I can't give up everything today.

With the determination that I have for my plans that I still needed to carry out, for my child, I swung my foot and kicked him in his knee. He seems to not be in pain with that kick that I have made, but because of the surprise that he felt, his grip loosened which made me free from him.

He was just surprised that I kicked him, but it did not inflict pain. He can still reach me, knowing how great is his physical abilities, when I dashed away from him. I quickly swung my arm and stabbed him in his thigh. At least, it will not kill him. It will just hurt, but it will not cause his life. He cannot go after me if he is wounded, that is what I hope. That is what I believed, the adrenaline rushing over my body have influenced me to stab him. It was the only thing that I could use to get away from him.

I immediately dashed away from him, leaving him wounded. Before turning my back, I saw his eyes. In his eyes, the pain was not evident. It seemed like he did not felt something from that wound that I gave him, he looked numbed to be specific. However, there was a hint of sadness in his eyes and it made me really bothered. I felt bothered with his sad and longing eyes and I really regretted the fact that I looked at those eyes of him. I should have left him without looking, I should just stabbed him and left immediately.

Now that I am running away from the area where we encountered, the tears that I have been holding inside me has started to fall out of my eyes. All the inhibitions that I kept in me when we were together earlier have now starting to resurfaced. I missed him, I want to run back to him and apologize for stabbing him. I want to go back with him and tell him everything that is bothering me. I want to go back and cry with him while telling that we had a child and that we lost our child. I wish I could say to him directly that he is already a father and that he shouldn't be marrying another woman, not that woman who has killed our child. Above anything else, I wish we could go back and save our child. It was a desire that will not be happening. Some things are just meant to be just a desire.

I want to do all these things but that would only equate with me losing, that would only equate that I surrendered for the justice that my child need. I could bear all the thing that Andrea has done with me, but killing my child, it is unforgivable. Seeing him, the father of my child who is bound to marry the woman who took my child's life, made all these pain to start kicking again. I thought I am getting better, but now that I saw him, I do not thing I will ever be fine. The pain is always here and it only get more intense when seeing those people who have sinned us.

I could only apologize to my child for keeping him a secret to his own father. I must keep it a secret to get the justice that he deserves.

I was endlessly running in the forest, with my eyes full of tears, when someone grabbed my arm again. I was about to punch that person, when I saw that it was Marcu who was holding my arm. Seeing him made my cry even more, I started sobbing when he hugged me. I cried endlessly on his chest while he was combing my hair.

"I'm sorry," he said. I don't know where he is being sorry but I felt comforted by those words. I felt comforted that someone has seen me being vulnerable and acknowledge it as valid. I just really need someone right now, and I am really glad to have my cousin looking over for me.

"H-He...saw me. I s-stabbed him." I said in between on my sob, trying to find someone to take my side. I felt him breathing heavily as I said those words.

"You did great," Marcus said, probably not referring to the fact that I stabbed someone but with how I handled things.