Losing Control

Clary's POV

"Please don't go..." he said in his raspy voice that sends chills running down my spine.

I heard Cordia whimper, needing him as heat is consuming my body. I missed him... I miss him so much that I am now thinking to betray my own self.

But still I tried to remove his hands away from me, but with his strength, it is incomparable to mine as his hug tightened even more.

"Please... let me," He said in his deep voice. Just then I smelled the liquor in his breath which made me worried that I was not able to move from my position anymore... his voice sounded vulnerable, too.

He was so misserable that I get swayed by him, his breath fanning on my skin increased the heat in my body... wanting him. I have been longing for him... his touch, his warmth. My wolf is needing him but I kept on denying it to myself.

"I missed you..." He said afterwards and it did confirmed how drunk he is. His voice sounded that he was drunk. I sighed.

"You're drunk." I said as a matter of fact.

I felt him nodded as he wrapped me in his arms even more like he doesn't want to let go... like he wanted to feel me, I could even feel his soul. He sniffed my scent that creates tingles on my neck making me giggles a little. My system was on a rocket ship, I felt lost with his warmth, with his touches. Again, I felt like betraying myself.

He was like a kid at this state and my heart is betraying me for beating loudly like it always does when I am with him. I missed his embrace, I cannot deny that, but I cannot tell him either. I am afraid that things would go terrible again.

To be honest, I am liking this... I am liking his embrace. I was actually craving for it... it was so long since I last hold him... all the pain in my heart seems to have subside with this comfort... his comfort is all I needed.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to protect you... and our child," he said sounding very drunk as he seems to be hesitating with his last words and his breathing went heavier... the sadness is evident in his voice.

"I was... bad... and useless f-father," his voice broke and it made my heart turned into pieces. I saw myself with him, with the same sadness that I have before. No, he was more vulnerable.

His hug loosen and I took it as a chance to remove his hands and face him. He looked at me, with his head slightly tilted because of drunkenness. His eyes were bloodshot and there were dark circles under his eyes. He tried to smiled at me, but he still looked miserable as he is.

However, despite of this, he is still as handsome as ever, he become more handsome with his ruthless looks. His jaw made even more firm, his eyes were darker, his hair were a bit longer but it suits him better, his body has gotten even more bold and firm, he's just so hot and devilishly handsome. I blinked my eyes to wake up from mesmerizing his beauty.

"It wasn't your fault." I said, trying to comfort him for our loss. I could imagine how much he is hurting at this moment from the sadness radiating on him.

His jaw clenched as he shook his head, unbelieving my comforting words. I bit my lip in pain of seeing him like this. I, then, hugged him, trying to glue our broken pieces together. Hoping that we would be able to forgive ourselves... hoping that we could comfort each other.

"I really love you, Clary... You and our child." He said which made me froze.

My heart pounded irratically the moment I heard those words. It was actually my first time hearing him say such things, he was never vocal for his feelings before. He would just always do things that would make me assume there is something going on with us. He would always make some actions but never words.

I felt like I was floating in extreme spacious place... words could never explain how much I felt. My body responded with those words abnormally. Here goes my heart pounding like some crazy animal, my lungs probably not accepting enough air making me feel out of oxygen in my body, and my knees almost fell from just those words.

No one knows how much I longed for this, how much I wanted to hear it from him, no one know how much those words meant to me... he loves me... my mate loves me.

I grasp onto his shirt when I remember the day when... I mated with him.

Butterflies suddenly churn inside my stomach with the thought of him... his naked body... and his... oh shit! My cheek blushes from the thoughts. I was too emotional and vulnerable tonight and its making me ashame of myself. Its making me ashamed for all the things that I have said to him, all of which have no meaning now... and I am just being so stupid for loving him with all the mess that I have with my hands. I can't stop myself from loving him. Afterall, he is the father of my child. The only man who I gave myself to. The only man who will only have me.

The man who gives life to my wolf, I can't deny these feelings anymore, I can't deny my wolf any longer, I have... to ne honest to myself and to my wolf... I need to choose to be happy for mom.

I need to break my wall because I knew, I love this man in front of me, I love him... I still love him, and I think will always be.

"I... I love you, too." I said, finally giving in again with all these... with all that happened, I wonder how my child thinks, will she be happy too?

I accept it now, all the feelings I have for him without thinking of the outcome or the price that I need to pay for loving him too much despite being broken several times. I was so in love with him that all those pain felt irrelevant and worthless. I was this stupid and I don't think I will be able to run away from this intense feeling.

I felt his muscle tensed from those words that I have said. His breathing went heavier as he processed my words, just then he smiled as he kissed my forehead.

"You'll be stuck with me, Clary. Saying those words, I will not let you go once more." He said with his deep, serious voice and it was like fireworks exploding around my body again and again. I felt bother by it which made me moved.

"No more hiding..." he said, then kissed my nose and it did made me shiver out of the coldness of his lips.

The liquor made him smell more manly and it mixed well with his perfume, making me weak and helpless in front of him.

"No more secrets..." He, then, kissed my lips for few seconds. It was only a smack but it did send millions of feelings, a nostalgic feeling that I really crave to feel once more again.

He, then, let go of my lips and looked at me with some intensity and I could see the burning desire in his eyes which might have mirrored mine, the heat is burning me... and I am needing him now. It is so hard to control myself anymore. The intensity of heat of my wolf must have come out the moment I accepted all my feelings for my mate.

My eyes falls to his lips as his tongue licked his lower lip, it was like a slow motion to me which made me gulp, "Damn, Clary." He cursed.

His jaw clenched, and I looked into his eyes, he seems like he was controlling and refraning himself... but it did only arouse me. It was great to see him this vulnerable in front of me, it was great to see his emotions through.

The way he said my name made me want more... it just made me crave for him even more. Desire was rushing within me, the way he looked at me... the way he sounded... it was just more than I could bear. I cannot control myself anymore, heat is rushing over me and I feel pain with it... I have to do something to relieve myself from this pain.

And so I tip-toed as I encircled my arms around his neck to kiss him. This time, I did it passionately wanting to make him feel the longing that I have for him. I felt him freezes from my sudden action as he did not responded immediately to my kiss.

But after a while, he wrapped his arms around my waist and responded with the same intensity that I was giving. It was rough and ravishing, just then I felt his tongue asking for an entrance inside my mouth, I allowed it making my stomach feeling in a havoc. He taste so good, combining with alcohol making me drowned from his kiss.

Whatever he was doing, he is doing it great because I can feel that my body is burning from heat even more... I need to feel him... I need to feel more of him.

I pressed my body against him, hoping that the heat would somehow subside... but he moaned with it, making my body burn much more for desire. I grasped into his hair as I pressed my body even closer upon hearing his moan, wanting to hear more. Instead of hearing his moan, I felt a hard object pointed at my stomach which made me blush.

He pulled out from the kiss as he faced me, his face was so close like over an inch is dividing us, "Damn, baby... Don't tease me." He said, sounds like he was having a hard time... but it just turned me on. I did the opposite. I want to feel him... I want to feel him inside of me... In that way, I knew this heat would subside.

I bit my lip and pressed my body with his once more, "I... I want you..." I said with full of desire, probably sounding that I was begging for him... which I was.

"Damn!" That was his last words before losing his control.