3. Intruder Appears

To kick off the start of the apocalypse as well as celebrate the utterly worthless system I received, I decided to set up three resolutions.

[1. Do not work.]

[2. Do not make friends.]

[3. Do not get married.]

“…Beautiful.”

I was moved by my own writing.

I wonder if when Pythagoras discovered the law of mathematics, he was as deeply touched as I am now.

First, do not work.

This was stupidly obvious.

I’ve heard that there are some people in the world who enjoyed the fruits of labor in their life. Thankfully, I’m not one of those perverted masochists. In addition, since it's the apocalypse, I’m pretty sure employment is not much of a thing anymore.

Second, do not make friends.

This was also obvious.

There are only backstabbers and potential backstabbers in this world. Friendship is merely a vain dream, a virtual image, a fantasy. I won’t take any counterarguments.

Third, do not get married.

This was important.

From all my past relationships in my life, and having watched countless romance dramas since I was a mere child, I’ve come to a grave and serious conclusion.

Marriage is an insane act.

Something like ‘true love’ is all bull crap lies.

Love is merely a way of murder that has become surprisingly gentler. As a result, it’s possessive desire and sexual desire.

Of course, grown up members of society might have a different opinion than I. That’s okay. Be satisfied with your bright and beautiful marriage life. However, if you think about it, the dangers of being stabbed by a knife disappears. This alone already seems like a huge benefit, don’t you think?

Yes.

I’m a pessimistic human.

I wasn’t like this from the very beginning. Believe me.

Originally, I was highly positive. I pranced around with sparkles in my eyes, dreaming of becoming a productive member of society. To be specific, I was like this until one day ago. Right after witnessing an angel and God act like adolescent wannabe gangsters, I politely recycled my hopes and dreams into the trash.

That’s so. This world is tragic. Even if you’re vexed, what can you do.

If you’re done being sad then drink a beer.

Thus, I began my carefree life in the apocalypse by going to the convenience store and buying sixty cans of beer.

The part-timer at the convenience store gave me a look as if asking ‘Excuse me, it’s not of my concern but is your life okay like this?’. I thanked the girl’s deep consideration and coolly swiped my card.

So what.

Take that! If you have a problem then come at me!

I cracked open a can of beer as I walked back to my home, observing the utter destruction around me.

Cars crashing into buildings, fire erupting from high-rises, people being chased by somewhat disturbing creatures.

I opened a second can of beer and muttered.

“Now that I think about it, that cashier lady looked a little strange.”

But I promptly disregarded the thought, locked the door, and barricaded every entrance into my apartment.

Goodbye, labor.

Goodbye, world.

Goodbye, apocalypse.

I’ll be going to a fantastic place across the monitor.

If you didn’t want me to become a recluse, you should’ve given me an actual system, you bastards.

Adieu.

Three days passed by in a blink of an eye.

I’ve played computer games I couldn’t enjoy for the past four years.

“This is life…”

I was silently moved to tears.

Trash was littered on all four sides of me.

The desk with my monitor on top was especially impressive.

The Empire of Empty Cup Ramens and the Republic of Empty Beer Cans were conquering the desk—continent, and having their own world war while drawing all kinds of geometrical national borders. In this world I’m what you’d call an absolute God. If it’s unfavorable for the Empire then I’d add a cup ramen. If it’s unfavorable for the Republic then I’d add a beer can. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that it was thanks to me that balance was able to be kept in this continent…

At that moment, the television shuddered to life, and a strange video began to play

“THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM VITA CORP.”

I had attempted to turn it on a few times before, but there was only ever static so I gave up. Thus, it was a little surprising to see the television fluidly broadcasting.

[Home Defense Training Video for Citizens During the Apocalypse.]

Before I could even comprehend what was happening, low-quality orchestral music started to blare loudly from the speakers.

[Dear citizens filled with hopes and dreams! Your sudden plunge into the apocalypse must’ve been difficult, right?]

“No, not really.”

[That’s why, today, we’ll explain how to defend your homes from ‘anomalies’! (FREE OF CHARGE)]

Two mascot characters walked onto the screen in cartoony fashion. Clasping their hands in unison, they bowed together. One was a heart with legs and a cheesy grin, while the other was an exhausted looking robot.

[But, before we begin!]

[What kind of company is Vita Corporation?]

“Ughhh nobody cares.”

I considered throwing a can at the television to make it stop, but I decided against it when I remembered how much it cost.

[You think all we make is yummy medicine? Oh my gosh! Actually, Vita Corporation can create anything you could ever need!]

[We’re a true magic company that makes maaagical potions!]

Suddenly, the heart character winked and raised its index finger.

[But! Magical potions need magical ingredients.]

[That ingredient is … ‘Vita Essence’!]

The words ‘Vita Essence’ sprang out the screen in bold, crimson letters, and sparkling liquid flowed majestically across my field of vision, hearts and stars popping out in dramatic fashion.

[If you’re interested, please c?m??? T? X?X? ???X? ?X???? ?? ?? ?]

The audio began to warble and distort before the robot character waved its hand, causing the music and view to awkwardly transition.

[Let’s begin with the main segment.]

[Researchers at Vita Corp have determined that there are two types of ‘anomalies’.]

The heart character unraveled a long piece of paper, while the robot took out glasses and a stick.

[First, Roamers. These are monsters who lurk and hunt outside.]

Roamers, huh.

Are they perhaps referring to the monsters on the streets? Just the other day, from my view on the balcony, I saw an entire family get evaporated into red mist by a gigantic creature with human faces stitched along its skin. Or the day before, when an ominous cube crushed a man into meat paste.

Roamers, they are quite terrifying. Just another reason not to go outside!

[Since this is a home defense training video, we’ll skip over the information.]

[However, if you're interested, you can learn more on our website for only 999.99 dollars a month.]

“Sigh.”

[The other type are Intruders.]

The robot pointed at a human silhouette, then reached into its bag and strapped a mask onto its face. The heart gave it a side-eye, but resumed its paper holding activities.

[Be extremely cautious when dealing with Intruders, dear citizens!]

[They will try to kill you!]

“What. No way.”

I muttered underneath my breath sarcastically. They must have hired a once in a millennia genius to obtain this information.

[These Anomalies will disguise themselves as fellow human beings in order to deceive you.]

[Never fear! Researchers at Vita Corp have discovered certain indicators you can use to determine if the person at your door is an Anomaly!]

The robot’s head and right arm suddenly swelled up like a balloon.

[A. Abnormal body parts/limbs.]

Next, the robot was splattered with crimson paint and its left leg was sliced off.

[B. Wounds that are suspicious.]

Finally, the camera zoomed in on the robot’s face. Its eyes were rattling around like crazy, reminding me of jumping beans I had played with when I was a kid.

[C. Erratic motion and stained teeth.]

The video ended with the robot's arms transforming into vicious looking spears, which it used to impale the heart character and devour it alive.

[That concludes the training video.]

[Good luck dear citizens!]

Clink

I threw an empty can of beer at my television.

Why?

Well, just because. You know, sometimes you just do things—

Knock.

"…"

Knock.

“…”

Knock. Knock. Knock.

“…Fuck.”

Surely not, right?

Slowly, I approached the door, where the knocking noise was coming from.

Gazing through the peephole, I could see a blurry image of what seemed to be a woman in a stained dress.

“H-Hello?”

The woman’s voice was muffled, but I could still hear it clearly.

“Um. Hello.”

“Oh! Thank goodness…!”

The woman let out a sigh of relief as she leaned against the door.

“C-Could you please let me in? I live right down the hall, in 403… please, I’m…

“Yes?”

“I’m badly… hurt.”

Ah. So that’s what was staining her dress. And the answer is most likely not paint or food colouring.

“Oh, of course I’ll let you in.”

“Really? Thank you so much! Bless your heart—“

“But can you answer one question?”

“Of course!”

“Why are your breasts so big.”

Even though it was blurry. Despite the perspective being warped. No matter the fact that I’m squinting with one eye.

How can someone’s chest be that damn big!!!

“You know what, nevermind, come right in.”

“T-Thank you… thank you again, you're my savior.”

Slowly, I undid the chain and multiple lock systems.

“Um… sir, how can I repay you?”

“Well...”

I opened the door.

A tall woman. Much taller than me, with pupils and long hair that seemed devoid of light. With her hands perched on top of her unusually large watermelons, her dark eyes creased into thin slits, and a dangerous smile full of stained teeth on her face, she looked like the personification of the word 'menacing'.

[Warning: Your life is in danger.]

“You can repay me by…”

“…?”

“By going to hell, you fucking monster.”

I pointed the gun at the center of her forehead, mirroring her expression with one of my own.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!

The Intruder was sent staggering back with each shot, before collapsing onto the floor in a pool of its own blood.

“...”

But unfortunately, things just aren’t that simple in life.

“Now, why would you do that, handsome mister?”

[The first perk of the Casanova system has been activated!]

[All malice will be converted into affection!]