Horrified
59.Horrified
🤍🖤💜 Jacob 💜🖤🤍
As little as it may be, I enjoy snippets of my time with Natalie. Sometimes we study together or go for a jog. If none of that happens, we will surely come to school together. If there is no hockey practice, I give her a lift on the way back home too.
I love listening to her voice and I love to make her laugh. A few days back, while we jog by the lake. I was teasing her. She turned back, grabbed my neck, and lightly strangled me.
I haven’t been the same ever since.
I crave her touch so much these days. I haven’t had many chances though.
I am in class, taking notes and minding my own business, and suddenly I get an urge to look at her. She usually sits back in the class. If I turn, it would be awkward. Then I realize I didn’t see her walking into the class.
Isn’t she here?
I ignore the awkwardness and glance behind me to notice that she indeed isn’t here. I patiently wait for my chance to use the phone and text her as soon as I get one.
Me: ‘You alright? Just noticed you aren’t in the class.’
I feel bad instantly after sending the text.
Am I being too clingy? I need to control my impulses around her. We will head home in an hour, anyway. I could have waited until.
After some time, my phone chimes, and my eyes pop up in realization, it is on ringing mode. My teacher gives me a pointed look, and I put the phone on silent while noticing June has texted me. I view the text when I get the opportunity.
June: ‘Dad picked me up today. He was asking a lot of questions about you. Looks like you are up for Father-Son time today.’
GOD!
Usually, Mom picks her up. Dad is too busy to pay attention to the lives of his own children and when he does, it’s not pleasant.
If he is willing to make up time to talk to me, it cannot be good.
Me: ‘What was he asking about?’
June: ‘Your studies.. your game… but he revolved around your dating life a lot.. who you dating and when you dated last.’
I roll my eyes and notice the teacher looking at me.
Oops!
She points me towards the door. I quietly pick up my stuff to walk out of the class before she can belittle me.
Me: ‘Thanks for the heads up.’
June: ‘Good Luck!’
June’s messages leave freaking anxiety in my stomach. I really need to see Natalie now. Maybe we could head home sooner. Next period is free anyway. I am not keen to see dad, but the anticipation will kill me. So I better go home and get it over with it.
I call her but she doesn’t pick up the phone. So I walk towards the closet to check on her. I am quite far from the door when I see West coming out of the supply closet and pacing in the opposite direction of me. I stop in my tracks.
West wasn’t in class either? I feel dread and I don’t want to see her anymore.
What was he doing in there? Did she invite him?
No one has access to the key except teachers and Natalie.
Why is he pacing away? Doesn’t he want to be seen? How long was he in there with her?
This feeling… These questions… It has happened before and tormented my mind. I hate it.
I know all these unsolicited thoughts are fueled by rumors. The so-called shit I hear every other day. I ignore Millie and her comments, but they reach my ears, anyway. It’s frustrating. I can shut Millie or some loudmouth team member up, but what do I do when I get doubts in my own head?
I take a breath to push these thoughts out of my mind. But my heart feels heavy. I have no right to pursue Natalie If I cannot deal with this. Natalie probably has a high sex drive and the thought scares me.
I do not have any willingness to see her at this very moment. So I walk towards the parking lot and drive away.
……………………………
🤍🖤🤍 Natalie 🤍🖤🤍
……………………………
I panicked. Not sure why, but I panicked real bad. West was horrified to see my expression and left the room without a word.
I am glad he didn’t try to come near me when I told him not to or I would have gotten a full-blown anxiety attack.
As I sit in my so-called safe space, tears stream down my face. I am trembling with fear. I lock the door so no one can enter again. I am not sure how I forgot to lock it in the first place.
My back was towards the door when it had opened, and I assumed it was Jacob. I kept drawing in my art book without paying any heed to him and thought he would sit next to me.
When his hand touched my shoulder, I knew who it belonged. The notion terrified me, that he chose to reach me when I was alone. It felt like an attack.
As if a memory I kept suppressed for so long came alive. The realization is grim. A touch I cherished so much once. It paralyzed me with fear.
I shrieked and stumbled away from him.
“Leave!” I said.. I had to suppress a shudder when I thought he was about to come near me.
“Don’t!!” I swallowed and told him, “Don’t you dare touch me again!”
His expression was pained and horrified, but he left.
Why did I react like this?
I don’t know. But it was an instinctive reaction. Now that he is gone and I wonder…
Was it because after our last night together a year ago, it was the first time he had reached me again?
Was it because so many boys have tried to paw me without my consent in past, I thought he would do the same?
Or was it because Jake approached me with the intention to sleep with me, I thought West would try to do the same?
I don’t know, and I don’t want to know.
All I want is to stop trembling.
His hand on my shoulder triggered me as if I drank a spiked beer at some party and knew it was too late to save me.
It repulsed me as if he was some guy trying to harass me on Millie’s words.
It scared me, as if I agreed to sleep with someone when I was emotional and drunk.
How could so many wrong things happen to me in a row?
There must be something wrong with me.
