Privacy

103. Privacy

🤍🖤🤍 Natalie 🤍🖤🤍

I snap at him and cut the call.

God knows how many insults he would have thrown my way if I kept listening. A mirage has finally broken and I feel sucker punched.

My breathing is shallow, and a lump in my throat is teasing me. My mouth is dry and a heavy boulder is pressing on my chest.

I don’t need to look around to know the presentation has ended and students are passing behind me. I stay in my spot, frozen, with my back towards them. Despite so many people around, I feel like I am standing all alone in the middle of a desert.

“Ms. Natalie!” A girl calls me out. Her voice sounds familiar. I turn and she looks at me in shock. It’s the same girl giving the presentation.

“Oh! Ar-are you ok?” she asks, and I realized tears are still streaming down my face.

I wipe my tears quickly and say, “Yeah…. it’s just something… Nothing big...”

My heart just splintered into a million pieces. That’s all.

More tears come down my face.

Fucking great!

“Let’s take you to the washroom.” She says sympathetically. It didn’t cross my mind even once. I had to make a fool of myself in front of all these students.

I nod and walk beside her while she shows me the way. She must think of me like a child crying on the first day of school.

Abandoned.

Is this what they feel?

I feel like I have been abandoned, which is stupid. I know my family will stand beside me.

“Here,” she says and stops outside the restrooms.

“Thank you so much…” I choke out.

“I will wait here. Take your time “

“No, No Please don’t..”

She winces. “I am sorry… I feel like bitch now. But I need to talk to you about something… Just take your time. I can wait.”

Great! I need to cry on a timer.

I nod and go inside.

I wash my face and look at myself in the mirror. I look terrible. But it does not even match the state my heart and body are under right now.

I feel frustrated and exhausted. My body is throbbing with pain. Real physical pain.

How is that even possible?

His words are still ringing in my ears, and I want to scream. So his voice will fade away.

‘Probably you wanted to patch up with him yourself by sleeping with him. Right?’

It’s teasing me.

His laughter is still mocking me.

‘Before you even try, let me tell you. I knew this was coming.’

He didn’t call me a whore on my face. But the way he implied it was good enough.

It’s funny how my last night with West and Jacob suddenly seems strikingly similar.

Fuck me hard, then push me away for good.

Real nice.

More angry tears threaten to come out of my eyes. I pinch myself to distract myself. It doesn’t work. I end up sobbing again. I sob harder.

I glance at the watch. It’s been ten minutes already.

How long can I keep her waiting?

I cannot go out when I am a mess like this. When she walks inside, I am not sure if I feel relieved or horrified. I force myself to stop crying. But my body is still shivering.

“I really feel terrible about rushing you like this… when you are clearly distressed… Maybe we can talk after two hours?”

I nod and say in a raspy voice. “Th- that would be better.”

“When would you be leaving? It’s kind of urgent… I know you are not from the same city and Coach wants to talk to you face to face.”

I wipe my face and ask in surprise, “Coach? What is it about?”

She looks conflicted, thinking if she should tell me or not.

My sobs finally subside, and the shaking has ebbed too. I try to take deep breaths to soothe my anguish lungs. I look at her with sincerity.

“uhmm it’s about a new program. We are experimenting. We need to prepare some runners for nationals, which will happen in 7 months. If you agree, you will have to opt for homeschooling and continue your studies here by yourself for the rest of the school session. We will provide running coaching…” then she adds quickly, ”and some help with your school studies if you need it.”

I look at her, trying to understand.

Is it even possible?

It would be best if I stay away from Jacob. I don’t think I can live across the same street now. It will be hard. I am not even sure how I will go home and sleep in my room tonight.

“Do you think you would be interested in talking about the details?... After 2 hours, I mean...”

“Actually, that sounds perfect.” I tell her.

This is what I need. To get away from all that drama and bullshit.

We exchanged numbers and I ask her, “Are you admin staff or what..?”

“No No, I am a student. I am just volunteering…”

We walk outside together and she asks, "Are you alright though…“

“Yeah.. I am fine now.. It’s just some boy.”

Some boy…

“Stupid breakup, “ I chuckle.

She gives a sympathetic pat on my shoulder and says, “Believe me… you are better without him.“

Tears simmer in my eyes again. I cross my arms and pinch myself hard to divert the heart ache.

No more crying.

……

Once she leaves. I look for some corner or some spot to wait. Damn, I didn’t even ask her name. I have her number, though. She told me directions to the history department where I need to meet some professor… who is also a coach; I guess.

Strange combination..

When I finally find some privacy in a corner somewhere behind some trees. I sit there, numb and confused.

How I could be so detached from what was really going on in Jacob’s head all this time? He has a completely different perception about me, and I hate this.

‘You didn’t tell him the truth in time.’ A little voice calls me out.

That doesn’t mean he would assume the worst. I reason.

‘You didn’t even tell him the images were old.’

What’s the point when it’s over? It was over even before he picked my call. He had made up his mind even before talking to me.

‘He didn’t know.’

No…

I wouldn’t blame myself.

No more.

No more downward spiral of self blame.

I wouldn’t second doubt myself over some boy.

Some boy…

Another round of sobs wreaks my body. My shirt becomes wet with hot tears in no time. My body is aching with pain and exhaustion.

Look at me… sobbing on a campus where I am supposed to spend my next four years.

Such a pleasant start to a new place.

My phone vibrates again, and I want to throw it away. I pick up the call when I see it’s Amy.

“Natalie… uhmmm how are you?” she asks, unsure.

She is unsure and wants to clarify if I already know. Truth is, I still don’t know what exactly happened. Those printouts… who gave them to Jacob?

And June had posted in our group.

‘Win Natalie group’ I chuckle. I wonder if she will change the name to ‘That whore…’

I frown in confusion. How did June get the printout? Did Jacob give it to her?

I feel outraged at him.

Why would he?

Why did he have to shame me in front of her?

and Who is behind all this?

West?

My mind is confused and in a haze as I try to think.

“Natalie… are you there?” Amy’s voice calls out.

I hadn’t realized I was still on call.

“Yes…” I answer.

“Who told you?” She asks.

“Jacob called. He thinks I slept around.” I tell her numbly.”He asked if I used to sleep with West on Saturdays.”

“Oh, Natalie… Did he know it was your group therapy session on every Saturday noon? Did you tell him the pics were old? ”

I swallow hard. Is it unfair to him that he doesn’t know the truth? Even when he belittled me. Asked those mean and obscene questions. He didn’t let me speak up. He cut in the middle. Again and again.

“There was no point… I think we are done. It seems… like a break-up.” It hurts like one. We are really done.

“Wait… I am asking dad to pick you up.”

“No.. ” I say to her. “I need some privacy and alone time, Amy. Please.”

“I am not feeling good about this.” Amy says in a scared voice.

“I am fine. Amy. I will message you after catching a bus. I have a meeting with a coach here in two hours.”

“Okay…”

Suddenly I realize something.

“Wait… How.. How did you know about the pics?” I ask her.

I thought only Jacob had the pics, and he gave those to June.

“That’s not important.” she says dismissively and panic rises in my heart.

“Amy! who told you?” I demand.

“Natalie… come home, then we will talk… Please.” She says.

Then the realization hits me. I cut her call and open the damn class chat.

I skim it over. My hands shiver holding the phone. Everyone knows about the pics. They are talking about it.

Unknown: ‘Although what she did was wrong… but it was a low blow to spread nudes all over the school.’

Nudes..

Unknown1: ‘I wouldn’t call it Nude. Pics were rather ok.. but yea it’s obvious they fucked or were still fuckin.’

I feel as if someone has stripped me of my clothes in front of everyone.

My body goes cold and my vision blurs once again.

…..

After spending an hour crying then another hour trying to calm myself I finally gather strength and get up to head meet the history professor.

My steps are still heavy. But I am feeling much better.

I can do this. One more time.

I reach the office I was told and knock on the door.

“Come in,” a smooth voice says.

I open the door and walk inside to see a rather young professor marking some assignments.

I was rather picturing someone in his fifties.

He is barely... 24 or maybe 28.

I can bet.

He looks young and too… handsome to be a professor.

People like him belong to fashion magazines. Not the history department. I am sure.

He glances up and notices me staring.

He smiles and gestures me to sit down.

“Natalie… Right? Did Emma give you a brief?”

“A little.. She couldn’t explain much.”

He frowns.

“I… I was occupied,” I say flushed.

“Oh! That’s ok… so my first question is- Would you be okay staying away from your home?”

“Yes…” I say, “That's exactly what I need.”