Privacy
103. Privacy
š¤š¤š¤ Natalie š¤š¤š¤
I snap at him and cut the call.
God knows how many insults he would have thrown my way if I kept listening. A mirage has finally broken and I feel sucker punched.
My breathing is shallow, and a lump in my throat is teasing me. My mouth is dry and a heavy boulder is pressing on my chest.
I donāt need to look around to know the presentation has ended and students are passing behind me. I stay in my spot, frozen, with my back towards them. Despite so many people around, I feel like I am standing all alone in the middle of a desert.
āMs. Natalie!ā A girl calls me out. Her voice sounds familiar. I turn and she looks at me in shock. Itās the same girl giving the presentation.
āOh! Ar-are you ok?ā she asks, and I realized tears are still streaming down my face.
I wipe my tears quickly and say, āYeahā¦. itās just something⦠Nothing big...ā
My heart just splintered into a million pieces. Thatās all.
More tears come down my face.
Fucking great!
āLetās take you to the washroom.ā She says sympathetically. It didnāt cross my mind even once. I had to make a fool of myself in front of all these students.
I nod and walk beside her while she shows me the way. She must think of me like a child crying on the first day of school.
Abandoned.
Is this what they feel?
I feel like I have been abandoned, which is stupid. I know my family will stand beside me.
āHere,ā she says and stops outside the restrooms.
āThank you so muchā¦ā I choke out.
āI will wait here. Take your time ā
āNo, No Please donāt..ā
She winces. āI am sorry⦠I feel like bitch now. But I need to talk to you about something⦠Just take your time. I can wait.ā
Great! I need to cry on a timer.
I nod and go inside.
I wash my face and look at myself in the mirror. I look terrible. But it does not even match the state my heart and body are under right now.
I feel frustrated and exhausted. My body is throbbing with pain. Real physical pain.
How is that even possible?
His words are still ringing in my ears, and I want to scream. So his voice will fade away.
āProbably you wanted to patch up with him yourself by sleeping with him. Right?ā
Itās teasing me.
His laughter is still mocking me.
āBefore you even try, let me tell you. I knew this was coming.ā
He didnāt call me a whore on my face. But the way he implied it was good enough.
Itās funny how my last night with West and Jacob suddenly seems strikingly similar.
Fuck me hard, then push me away for good.
Real nice.
More angry tears threaten to come out of my eyes. I pinch myself to distract myself. It doesnāt work. I end up sobbing again. I sob harder.
I glance at the watch. Itās been ten minutes already.
How long can I keep her waiting?
I cannot go out when I am a mess like this. When she walks inside, I am not sure if I feel relieved or horrified. I force myself to stop crying. But my body is still shivering.
āI really feel terrible about rushing you like this⦠when you are clearly distressed⦠Maybe we can talk after two hours?ā
I nod and say in a raspy voice. āTh- that would be better.ā
āWhen would you be leaving? Itās kind of urgent⦠I know you are not from the same city and Coach wants to talk to you face to face.ā
I wipe my face and ask in surprise, āCoach? What is it about?ā
She looks conflicted, thinking if she should tell me or not.
My sobs finally subside, and the shaking has ebbed too. I try to take deep breaths to soothe my anguish lungs. I look at her with sincerity.
āuhmm itās about a new program. We are experimenting. We need to prepare some runners for nationals, which will happen in 7 months. If you agree, you will have to opt for homeschooling and continue your studies here by yourself for the rest of the school session. We will provide running coachingā¦ā then she adds quickly, āand some help with your school studies if you need it.ā
I look at her, trying to understand.
Is it even possible?
It would be best if I stay away from Jacob. I donāt think I can live across the same street now. It will be hard. I am not even sure how I will go home and sleep in my room tonight.
āDo you think you would be interested in talking about the details?... After 2 hours, I mean...ā
āActually, that sounds perfect.ā I tell her.
This is what I need. To get away from all that drama and bullshit.
We exchanged numbers and I ask her, āAre you admin staff or what..?ā
āNo No, I am a student. I am just volunteeringā¦ā
We walk outside together and she asks, "Are you alright thoughā¦ā
āYeah.. I am fine now.. Itās just some boy.ā
Some boyā¦
āStupid breakup, ā I chuckle.
She gives a sympathetic pat on my shoulder and says, āBelieve me⦠you are better without him.ā
Tears simmer in my eyes again. I cross my arms and pinch myself hard to divert the heart ache.
No more crying.
ā¦ā¦
Once she leaves. I look for some corner or some spot to wait. Damn, I didnāt even ask her name. I have her number, though. She told me directions to the history department where I need to meet some professor⦠who is also a coach; I guess.
Strange combination..
When I finally find some privacy in a corner somewhere behind some trees. I sit there, numb and confused.
How I could be so detached from what was really going on in Jacobās head all this time? He has a completely different perception about me, and I hate this.
āYou didnāt tell him the truth in time.ā A little voice calls me out.
That doesnāt mean he would assume the worst. I reason.
āYou didnāt even tell him the images were old.ā
Whatās the point when itās over? It was over even before he picked my call. He had made up his mind even before talking to me.
āHe didnāt know.ā
Noā¦
I wouldnāt blame myself.
No more.
No more downward spiral of self blame.
I wouldnāt second doubt myself over some boy.
Some boyā¦
Another round of sobs wreaks my body. My shirt becomes wet with hot tears in no time. My body is aching with pain and exhaustion.
Look at me⦠sobbing on a campus where I am supposed to spend my next four years.
Such a pleasant start to a new place.
My phone vibrates again, and I want to throw it away. I pick up the call when I see itās Amy.
āNatalie⦠uhmmm how are you?ā she asks, unsure.
She is unsure and wants to clarify if I already know. Truth is, I still donāt know what exactly happened. Those printouts⦠who gave them to Jacob?
And June had posted in our group.
āWin Natalie groupā I chuckle. I wonder if she will change the name to āThat whoreā¦ā
I frown in confusion. How did June get the printout? Did Jacob give it to her?
I feel outraged at him.
Why would he?
Why did he have to shame me in front of her?
and Who is behind all this?
West?
My mind is confused and in a haze as I try to think.
āNatalie⦠are you there?ā Amyās voice calls out.
I hadnāt realized I was still on call.
āYesā¦ā I answer.
āWho told you?ā She asks.
āJacob called. He thinks I slept around.ā I tell her numbly.āHe asked if I used to sleep with West on Saturdays.ā
āOh, Natalie⦠Did he know it was your group therapy session on every Saturday noon? Did you tell him the pics were old? ā
I swallow hard. Is it unfair to him that he doesnāt know the truth? Even when he belittled me. Asked those mean and obscene questions. He didnāt let me speak up. He cut in the middle. Again and again.
āThere was no point⦠I think we are done. It seems⦠like a break-up.ā It hurts like one. We are really done.
āWait⦠I am asking dad to pick you up.ā
āNo.. ā I say to her. āI need some privacy and alone time, Amy. Please.ā
āI am not feeling good about this.ā Amy says in a scared voice.
āI am fine. Amy. I will message you after catching a bus. I have a meeting with a coach here in two hours.ā
āOkayā¦ā
Suddenly I realize something.
āWait⦠How.. How did you know about the pics?ā I ask her.
I thought only Jacob had the pics, and he gave those to June.
āThatās not important.ā she says dismissively and panic rises in my heart.
āAmy! who told you?ā I demand.
āNatalie⦠come home, then we will talk⦠Please.ā She says.
Then the realization hits me. I cut her call and open the damn class chat.
I skim it over. My hands shiver holding the phone. Everyone knows about the pics. They are talking about it.
Unknown: āAlthough what she did was wrong⦠but it was a low blow to spread nudes all over the school.ā
Nudes..
Unknown1: āI wouldnāt call it Nude. Pics were rather ok.. but yea itās obvious they fucked or were still fuckin.ā
I feel as if someone has stripped me of my clothes in front of everyone.
My body goes cold and my vision blurs once again.
ā¦..
After spending an hour crying then another hour trying to calm myself I finally gather strength and get up to head meet the history professor.
My steps are still heavy. But I am feeling much better.
I can do this. One more time.
I reach the office I was told and knock on the door.
āCome in,ā a smooth voice says.
I open the door and walk inside to see a rather young professor marking some assignments.
I was rather picturing someone in his fifties.
He is barely... 24 or maybe 28.
I can bet.
He looks young and too⦠handsome to be a professor.
People like him belong to fashion magazines. Not the history department. I am sure.
He glances up and notices me staring.
He smiles and gestures me to sit down.
āNatalie⦠Right? Did Emma give you a brief?ā
āA little.. She couldnāt explain much.ā
He frowns.
āI⦠I was occupied,ā I say flushed.
āOh! Thatās ok⦠so my first question is- Would you be okay staying away from your home?ā
āYesā¦ā I say, āThat's exactly what I need.ā












