Chapter 18

"God, I kissed Colin! No he kissed me. I don't know if it is wrong but it felt so good. I can't help remembering the feel of his lips on mine. I'm scared that I might do wrong things and I want to talk to someone about it- preferably mom, but she's not here. A lot has happened since mom's disappearance.

On the evening Colin kissed me, Daddy came home with good news. It's about mom. They said some of the people on board that plane didn't die. Yes, were they 23? I can't remember the exact number. They asked the owners of the victims to come look at them. According to the news dad got, they're in very bad states but they were still breathing. So there's still hope. Mom might still be alive. As much as this is good news in the eardrums, I don't feel as happy as I should be. I should be jumping and praising God, dad had said when he told me that news but I wasn't. I just nodded at his every word. I dont know if i should call it a miracle like the Bishop preached in church, but it sure was unexpected. I feel bad to hear that mom is in great pain, it hurts me. It'd have been better to hear that she had died without any pain. This doesn't mean I want her dead, but I don't just want any pain for her, it literally breaks my heart. That woman is too good to feel pain, I don't know why you allowed pain in her life, God but I won't question you. I'm sorry for feeling this way but I can't help it. Grandma is in the hospital too. The last time my friends and I visited her, she didn't look any better. I pray for her everyday and I won't stop, God until you hear and do what I ask. It's been five months that mom disappeared, Lord. Thank you for giving us hope about her, and please take her out of her pain.

Yesterday I sneaked into her room and read her diary. Again. I had read it just once, and that's where I saw that most of her life has been lived in pain before I was born. Anyway, dad caught me. He was angry and he asked me not to read any of mom's notes anymore. He took them from me and wanted to burn them but I stopped him.

I begged him to let me have them. But he snatched them from me and sent me out of the room. When he was out again, I sneaked in and hid the notes in my drawer. I'll read them later.

Lord I'm sorry if that is a sin, but I need to know more about mom's past. She's so highly treated well by everyone and I know she's part of the reason granny is ill. I have my friends back, thank you so much for that. Ivy and Alicia and I surprised Ella with a brand new pink bicycle last week. She was very happy and cried tears of joy. My friends and I are planning another thing for Ella. We want her little brother, John to start school. We want to help her grandmother raise his tuition fees. I can't tell dad about it because he's always looking angry or sad these days, and I can't tell granny because she's sick and Dad's paying her bills. I'll save money myself or maybe I'll sell some of my dresses and shoes because I have too many. I can also ask Aunt Ann to help. Aunt Ann has a charity organization that helps orphans with food and school fees, but Ella is not an orphan. Maybe i'll tell Aunt Ann that her mom is dead, and that her father is in prison. I'll also plead with Aunt Ann to make it a secret between both of us. I'm sure she'd understand. Ivy says she'll work in a tea shop near her house every Friday and Saturday. The pay is good. Alicia says she'll pluck her granny's tomatoes and avocados and sell them. We are all keeping this a secret from Ella.

Lord I want you to make all this happen. Bring mom back. Heal Granny. Make Dad smile. Bring us all back together again. Amen"

Juana stopped writing. It was already dark. Her pink table clock was the only thing making sound in the house. Tomorrow is visiting day. She planned to sleepover in the ward with granny because Baron would be travelling. He was going to see if mom was among the survivors receiving treatment or not. If she was, he'd claim her and bring her nearer home. Juana hoped everything would go well. The idea of seeing her mom's face again made her smile, even if she was in pain.

It was 9:36pm. Juana stood up and changed into her joggers and soccer boots. She was going out with her bicycle. The air was chilly and cool; she needed to enjoy it. "Exercise makes you feel better, sweetheart" she heard her mom's voice in her head

"Yes mom, I'm going out to exercise with my bicycle now so I'll be strong for you" she replied in her head. She put some crackers, a bottle of warm water and her mom's notes in her bag and sneaked out of her room. She didn't want to wake her dad. But Baron was lying awake in the living room, typing.

'Oops!' She rubbed her head in disappointment

So she sneaked back to her room, opened the window and jumped down. "Smart! Hahaha" she laughed

Her bicycle was resting in the garage. She sat carefully on it and with her torchlight on, she began to pedal down the well-lit road.

She rode slowly at first, ensuring the road was free. Then she began to ride very fast, air swooshing her hair and rushing into her ears and nose. It was fun. She rode past the twins' house, past two banks, past her school and past Aunt Ann's. Few people were still walking on the road, and there were many cars too, so she maintained riding on the pedestrian walk until she got to a less busy street. Her pink bicycle was big and new, and she liked the silent sound it made on the free road.

After riding very fast for forty five minutes, she slowed down. She heard someone play guitar. The sound it made was so beautiful that she stopped to trace where it was coming from. It was a big blue-roofed house with white walls. It had a large garden beside it with very big tomatoes and pumpkins. Juana stayed away from the garden, and sat on a stone some metres away from the house and listened. The person was not singing, just playing. Juana listened and smiled. The sound lifted her spirits. Just then, her phone beeped. It was a text. She brought it out of her pocket and checked.

"Are you up?" It was Colin. Two butterflies flapped their wings and twitched her stomach

"Yes" she quickly typed

"Can we meet?"

"Of course. I'm not feeling sleepy"

"Okay. Come to the ranch and we'll take a walk from there" he typed.

Juana sighed. The guitar was still playing but she needed to go meet Colin. She rode to the ranch faster than before and got there in twenty minutes. He was there, waiting. He was dressed in a faded jean and a bright blue top. It was almost 11pm but she didn't care. He held her hands and pulled her bicycle with the other hand. Juana suddenly found herself acting nervous around him.

"Where are we going?" She asked. He laughed. That was one of the things that made her think he was dangerous in the past. But it was relaxing now.

"Where do you want to go? Should we go see your granny?"

"But it's late. We won't be allowed in"

"We can sneak in"

"Nooo" He laughed again and she laughed too.

So they sat near a telephone booth near her house and talked into the night. She took out her mom's notes and showed him

"These are the notes dad is keeping from me. Her handwritten notes about her past. I stole them"

"Smart ass, I would have done the same" he laughed

"Stop laughing so much, it's almost midnight" she said staring at his teeth which glowed in the light.

The two of them opened the book and began to read them together

"Ist June, 1985 Dad is home, drunk again. Mom's tired of him and she's packed her things. She's leaving home tomorrow"

"6th June, 1985 Mom has left us. She says she's too scared to leave with us, because of him. My brothers are sad but they promised to protect me. I can't sleep"

"11th July 1985. Someone knocked on my door. It was him. I thought he mistook my room for his, but he covered my mouth with his hands and asked me to take off my pants. He put his fingers in my vagina. I could not scream because he was covering my mouth

"21st July 1985 mom comes home crying. I told her about what dad did but she shut me up, she was searching his things for her ring. She wanted to sell it. Mom won't listen to me"

"Ist August 1985 Dad came and did it again. It was painful. I ran to my brothers but they were helpless. Dad beat me mercilessly and warned me not to tell anyone

" 4th August, he came again"

"7th August, I fell sick. My brothers took me to the hospital. They told the doctor I cried every night. He gave me bedrest and I was glad I won't be going home until after six days"

"I began to avoid home. I slept at my friend's and sometimes in the streets"

"16th August I began to feel a burning ache in my stomach. I had gastritis, mom knew but she said she had no money to take care of it"

"18th August, I was hospitalized. My two brothers paid my bills"

" 22nd August, Dad came again. He didn't care that my stomach hurt. He asked me to pull down my pants but I hit him with an hammer"

Juana closed the book.

She began to cry. She didn't know her mother was a victim of sexual abuse, no wonder she was so protective and caring.

"Don't cry" Colin laid her head on his shoulder and rocked her.

"You should let your mom's past remain there" he said. He wasn't laughing; he looked serious.

The book was old and big and Juana wondered how much more pain was in there. She put it in her bag and walked home with Colin. Her dad was waiting at the entrance when she arrived home. That was when she checked her phone and saw that he had called her six times.

"Where were you?" He asked. His face looked worried and sad rather than angry. Juana preferred the angry look to this. The angry look made him look like a man who had control of himself, but when he looked worried or sad, he looked like a little baby trapped in the body of a man, and waiting to be cuddled by his mother. It didn't appeal to her. She didn't want to see her father as a weakling.

She began to walk past him without uttering a word. Baron let her, but followed her closely into her room. She sat carefully at the edge of her bed and faced the window. Baron walked in, and stood by the door.

"Where were you?" He asked again

"Out" she said faintly. She was staring at the closed window. It was 12:00am.

"At midnight?" He asked with a tone of surprise

"I was out with my bike. I needed exercise"

Baron sighed and walked to her "Here. Lie down, let me put you to sleep. I won't be here to do that tomorrow" So she laid on her bed, and he covered her with blankets and patted her hair.

"Are you okay?" Juana nodded. He kissed her cheek and said goodnight. Then he went out of the room. Juana got up immediately and locked the door. Then she brought out her mom's diary or notebook, whatever. Juana named it 'Painbook' in her mind, because she knew it was full of her mother's painful experiences. She wasn't going to sleep that night, because she was scared. She was going to just read her mother's painbook and write a long letter in her diary. A letter to who now? To Colin maybe? Or to Cornell, granny's son who committed suicide, whom she never met. Or to her mother's father?

She opened the third page in the book and began to read.

26th August 1985

Today I am feeling better. I'm using my drugs as the doctor gave prescriptions. My brothers are always out in the mornings and didn't come back until the next morning. I don't know the job they do, but they come back with a lot of goodies for me. I still go to school because I don't owe any tuition fees. My father doesn't seem to care if we go to school or not. All he cares about is his bottles of alcohol, cigarettes and a container that contained something--weed? My brothers said it was weed. My father cares about Kathryn too. Kathryn is one girl about half mom's age. She comes to the house occasionally and cooks for him. She cooks for me too but I'm too scared to take anything from her, so I just eat what my brothers give me. She acts like she likes me but I'm not sure if she does.

27th August 1985

Today I return from school late. I'm very hungry but there's nothing in the house for me except a hard loaf of bread. I eat it like that. I hear Kathryn screaming. I don't know what's wrong or where she is. I trace her voice and it's coming from daddy's room. I know they are having sex and it disgusts me. I take my bag and leave the house. Not just my bag, my few clothes and shoes, everything. I am not coming back here anymore.

29th August

I have been sleeping in my friend's house. Her name is Amy. Her parents are on vacation, so it's only her elder brothers that are with her. They are twelve and eighteen. I am just eight, Amy is nine. They are very nice people. They don't ask me about my family. Any knows that my mom has run away, and my dad is not a good man. They feed me well, and Jack drives Amy and I to school everyday. Jack is eighteen. He has a car.

I know my brothers will be searching for me now. I know dad will know that I'm missing but he'll not do anything about it. Sometimes I wonder if he is my biological father."

Juana sighed before opening the next page. The book was old but she could still read the words clearly in most lines.

31 August 1985

Tonight I had a good meal. I was almost sleeping when I heard someone opening the door. Amy was fast asleep. I pretended to be asleep too, I thought it was a robber. But it was Jack. I could see his reflection in the little light coming from the window. He was wearing a knicker and his chest was bare.

He was coming close to me. He tapped me and whispered "get up". I slowly stood up and followed him. I'm writing this from his room. He's in the bathroom. He asked me to wait in his room but I don't know what he wants.

Ten minutes later

I'm out of his room, and I'm at the corridor. I'm crying as I'm writing this. Jack is not a good boy after all. He was trying to force me to put my mouth on his penis. He made me rub it with my palm but i didn't put my mouth. I was not too scared because I have seen one before. My father has done something like that too. It only made me feel betrayed. I told Jack I can't do it, and when he saw that I started to cry, he warned me not to tell anyone and he sent me out. I don't know why Jack betrayed me. I don't have anywhere else to go"

Juana closed the book. She was already feeling sad. No wonder her dad kept the book away from her. It was 12:34am. She yawned and tried to get some sleep. Then she saw that Colin had texted her, 33 minutes ago.

"You still up?'

" yes" she texted back

"What are you thinking about?"

"Mom but I'm okay now"

"Why? Are you still reading that book?" No reply. "Please put it away, you don't need it"

"I'll return it tomorrow" she said with a small voice

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Good. Will you go to sleep now?"

"No I can't sleep Colin. There's something you should know about me"

"What's it?"

"I'll tell you after school tomorrow"

"No tell me now"

"I need to say it to your face"

"Okay" he said. Few minutes later, Juana heard someone scratching her window pane. It was Colin. He whispered to her to come down. She was shocked, but happy. She jumped down her window quietly and followed him into the night. The butterflies in her stomach moved up to her throat and she wanted to throw up, but it didn't irritate her, it made her feel good. Colin was looking better now. Juana wondered why he combed his hair and washed his teeth, but she was grateful. They walked and talked, and Juana soon forgot about her worries. She talked about her nightmares, her asthma, her love for puppies and other animals like bunnies and kittens. She also talked about how close she's to her mom, how much she missed her, how good and lovely she was. Colin also talked about his family. He said his mom was a Christian but his dad was a staunch unbeliever

"He won't go to church, but he doesn't care if she goes or not"

He said. Then, "I hope one day his eyes will be open to the truth"

"How did your mom marry an unbeliever?" Juana asked.

"He wasn't always like this"

"You mean?"

"I mean he was once a believer. He lost his faith. He suddenly said he wasn't serving God anymore. It literally shook mom and she was depressed for two years. It was after he renounced his faith that he resumed smoking and drinking and he got worse. He's one of the reasons I left home. I don't want to end up like him, even so, I want God to heal him. From whatever weight he's carrying" Colin said with a tone of finality.

"Amen"

They kept walking and talking until they reached the next street.

"My house is around the corner"

"Oh let's see. Who do you live with?"

"Alone. I mostly live on the ranch with other ranch hands you know. I just come here when i need privacy. I might be selling this place soon" he said.

They walked to the house. It was a rather big house for one person. It had blue walls and white doors. It was so beautiful and cosy.

"Wow" Juana said. The lights outside were on. It made the house look like a big cartoon-house. Colin went in and made warm tea. She sat outside and waited for him.

"It's warm inside if you don't mind" he called from the kitchen, but she suddenly felt he could be dangerous.

"No I'm all right outside".

So they drank tea outside and kept talking. All the time Juana stared at his teeth and smile and fine auburn hair. He was a good looking young man, she knew that. He was 6" 1 and had medium brown eyes. His teeth were perfect, his nose slightly pointed, he smelled of new paint. He had a strong build and when he looked at you, he was actually looking into you. He didn't look dangerous but he had this aura around him that made you think he was dangerous even if it was obvious he wasn't faking his friendliness. Maybe it's because of his strong-looking build. As much as she liked him, she didn't trust him that much.

"You're freezing" he said jerking her out of her reverie

"How do you know?"

"Your fingers are shaking and you're gnashing your teeth"

"Oh". She was indeed near freezing. He brought more tea, and a big thick jacket for her,and cuddled her. She soon slept off in his arms.

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