FINALE

CHAPTER 75

MOVING ON AND FORWARD

"How are you?"

That's also the question I ask myself. How am I doing? Am I okay now? Am I emotionally okay now? How am I doing?

"I am okay," I answered.

"You don't have to pretend to be okay, Ariella. Even though we only talked once before, I know there is still something in your heart. It's okay not to be okay, and it's good sometimes."

I was silent while sipping juice. By the way, we are still in a restaurant here in Dubai. I was a little late because I lost my mind suddenly. If she hadn't called, I wouldn't have remembered that we were actually meeting today.

“How's your life here in Dubai?”

"It's okay. I will gradually get used to being alone. I didn't even realize that 6 months had passed," I said.

I forgot to mention her name. Well, she's Sheila. We are not very close but I consider him a friend.

"That's life. You can't learn if you don't get hurt. I know you are strong, that's why I admire you."

“You admire me? But why?" I asked. Who am I to be admired by other people, right? And to tell her, I am not that strong enough. I have reached the point of giving up. I can not take it anymore.

I wouldn't expect that she's admiring me for being a strong woman without knowing that I am emotionally weak.

"I am admiring you because you were able to overcome everything in your life. Anyway, how's your baby?"

Upon asking that, I was stunned and shocked. I wasn't even speechless right away.

"Oh, I'm sorry it's only been 6 months. I'm sorry. I forgot about the months. Amm...don't be upset if I ask what happened?"

Here we are again. I will remember my baby again. I really want to forget everything that happened.

"Oh, sorry, sorry. You don't have to answer it. I'm just being talkative, don't mind me.”

I let out a deep sigh. I know my baby is okay now in heaven with God. I won't be afraid of him anymore because I know he's okay. How I wish to be okay too.

"I had a miscarriage when she was 2 weeks old," I answered without looking at her.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe we should talk about something else so you don't have to remember everything."

"It's okay. I'm used to it," I said and this time I was a bit lethargic. I suddenly lost my appetite again.

I don't know but it hurts, still. The pain won't go away that quickly. That memory is forever buried in my heart. No one will understand the pain a mother goes through when she loses her child unless you have experienced it. It's never easy and you will keep questioning where you went wrong. But in my case, I know it's my fault. I'm struggling to cope with the loss. Nothing can equal the pain a mother feels who has lost a child.

Even though he was only 2 months old, I loved him so much. I can't even explain and it's indescribable the pity I felt when I found out I was pregnant even though I knew myself that I wasn't ready then. But I already learned to love him so deep and then in an instant he suddenly disappeared which I didn't even expect. I'm not even ready.

But….it's been half a year since that happened. No matter how many years have passed, he will remain in my heart forever.

I'm here again and again. Why do I have to be in this situation? I am tired of it.

I don't want to think about anything so I chose to be busy everyday. I studied dancing even though I knew I couldn't dance very well.

I am just happy that my choreographer is kind to me. He encouraged me to learn dancing. It's a shame that I'm beautiful if I can't dance. Even though I always make mistakes in the steps he teaches, he still teaches me calmly.

I let myself be busy so I can quickly forget until I gradually become okay.

I waited so long to be okay. The feeling that I don't have to force myself to be okay. I can't even believe how much better I feel.

I had a good life in Dubai. I'm still single and I don't know if I can love another man again. I don't want to think about love. I'm happy to be alone. I don't have to overthink, to cry, to wait...and so on.

I won't feel the heartbreak again if I will stay single..

I am great now that I became a dancer. I participate in competitions with my team. I never expected such a thing. God had a good plan for me that's why he didn't let me die.

I just realized that everything that happens has a reason.

God used that guy to save me. I won't forget that guy. When I see him, I will thank him.

It doesn't even hurt when I remember the past. I have learned to be stronger than I ever knew. I can overcome this because I have God. I believed in him. I believed that he had a good plan in my life.

Little by little I see the beauty of his plan for me. The Lord is truly good.

Now, even a year and two days ago, my chest no longer tightens when I remember the past in my life. I learned to accept that.

It really takes time to heal. Now I am healed and it's because of God. He made me even stronger. He never left me.

I'm feeling better now. I'm really feeling better and I'm really grateful.

"Ms. Ella, may I have your autograph?”

I smiled and said, "Sure."

"Thanks a lot. You're so pretty. I'm your fan," she said happily so I was happy too. I forgot to mention that I am the leader of a dance group that is very popular now in Dubai and even in other countries. It's really funny to think that despite everything, I made it. I never even dreamed of becoming a famous dancer but God is good, all the time. He made everything impossible possible.

I got into the car because suddenly there was an influx of people, reporters, so my secretary and bodyguards immediately let me into the car.

Yes. I already have bodyguards. After all, I don't need bodyguards anymore. I can protect myself, but since I'm famous now, I really need people to protect me.

I am truly blessed. Although yesterday was bitter, my present life is sweetened by my smile today.

Now, I can say that God has many more good plans for me. I trust him and he is the only one I trust.

Now, I can smile without force. I can laugh again without fakeness. I can sleep without tears. I am really okay now.

Everything was not easy for me before I was okay. So many tears flowed from my eyes that I almost drowned but one day I woke up I'm feeling well.

I remembered what the guy told me when I was in Japan, he said one day he woke up and he was okay like it's magic. Now I realize that.

Life is short so don't let yourself get stuck in yesterday. Don't waste the time you're still alive. Don't drown in tears. It's okay if you let yourself get hurt but don't stay in the past. You have to learn to move forward because life doesn't go backwards so you have to move forward. You have to take a step forward.

I'm happy with the life I have now even though I'm single. I found my peace being single in life. I don't need to rush myself to love again. I know that God has a good plan for my love life. I will just wait for the right time and the right person to come and I know this time he is the one really meant for me.

I am Ariella Custodio, proud to be a strong woman.

THE END.