THIRTY-THIRD TRIP

I know this feeling. I’m too familiar with this feeling and I don’t want to admit it, but it’s slowly killing me now. I kept coming back to my memory of how Dad looked as if he tried to fight back because he wanted to live. Because he still thinks about our situation until the very end. That when he didn’t fight and he just let her die, what about us? He knows exactly how weak his family is that’s why he did everything to survive but He still took him from us. Why is this happening to us again?

My mind went blank as I just stared at her as if she were just sleeping. I could still hear mama moaning outside and she could barely look at Arthur while she was in the morgue. I also learned that unknown men were waiting for her outside their campus and beat her until her head was broken. The police said that the hate crime took place based on my brother's gender. I can't even imagine everything that happened to her while she was going through that and I don't want to worry anymore.

“Rae, rest first. Levi called us before but we couldn't answer. And at least tell him what happened here so he doesn't have to worry,” Rafa told me while caressing my back.

I kept my eyes on Arthur with bruises and wounds on her face. She looks so hopeless. It’s obvious from the looks of it how much she struggled during those ‘hours’ and she didn’t even fight back. I can’t imagine the pain she was screaming at that time.

“Wait, Raf. I can't talk. I don't know... I don't want him to worry. He’s also tired and I don’t want to disturb him,” I told her lazily, still not taking my eyes off my brother.

“What if he calls again? What can we say?”

"Just tell him I'm still asleep," I told him sparingly and took Arthur's hand.

I felt that cold coming from her hand rise all over my body. Even her arm was full of bruises so I was even more hurt by what I was thinking. The pain she was screaming that time is killing me slowly. Who did she call first? Did no one hear her? Did many beat her and she was unable to fight back? Why her? She was just 15 years old for fuck’s sake! Why did this thing happen to her?! Oh, god. Help me.

-

Everything was so fast but everything was still blurry. Neither my brain nor my heart could accept it, and I didn’t know if my whole being could accept it. This is just so painful to the point that I can’t even talk to anyone else but my mom. The excruciating pain is killing me every time I pretend to be strong just so my mother can count on me. I don’t know who to talk to anymore.

“Are you okay? When's your checkup day?” Yerim asked me when she took me down to the Acuzar Empire.

Arthur’s burial was held for only three days. I didn’t prolong her death because it was too painful for us to even a week ago, and now I’m back to normal and just hiding everything for a while. I even wanted to not go in first to accompany mama to the house but she was the one who insisted that I go in.

“This week, Ye. It's scheduled already,” I told her lazily.

“Did you tell Levi? I mean, about what happened to Ari. How many days have you not called that, why?” she asked me in surprise so I stopped at the entrance of the building.

It’s been four days since I last called him via facetime. I've only been texting for the past few days because I don't want him to see how I look and have an idea. He doesn’t even know what happened to me last week. Maybe I'll just tell him when we meet again. I don't want to add to what he's thinking there.

“I just don’t want him to worry about me anymore. He thinks and cares too much, Yerim. I don't want to add to that,” I simply replied to her and shrugged.

“He should worry about you because you will have a baby. Why are you still ashamed of him?” she asked in a tone of disgust so I suddenly looked around us.

"Don't shout, someone might hear you. I just don’t want him to worry about me while he was away from me. I'll call him later,” I told her sideways.

She also stared at me and then we said goodbye to each other. While waiting for the lift, someone tapped my back so I looked there.

“Jax,” I uttered when I saw him.

Before he could speak, the elevator opened so we went in there together. We were the only two people inside.

"I thought you were with Levi because I just saw you again," he casually said to me so I shook.

"I'm not," I answered lifelessly to him and leaned to the side there.

“Are you alright? You look so tired. Did something happen?" he kept asking me.

I immediately averted my eyes from him when he faced me. I cringed when I felt that familiar pain in my chest again.

"I... I'm fine," I replied sparingly to him.

“Really, huh? Tell me, you found out that Mari is with him now on the farm so you’re like that, right?”

I immediately look at him when I heard that. I even saw that he was surprised when he saw me but that was not where my attention was focused.

"W-what?" I stuttered.

He suddenly tightened his jaw and averted his eyes from me.

"Don't you know?" he asked again so I laughed sarcastically.

I can feel my chest pounding because of what I know now.

"I do not know because no one told me. Why was Mari there? What is she doing there? Did they go there together?” I couldn't help but ask him and I almost grabbed his hand because he was staring straight at me.

"Jaxon," I called out to him when he couldn't answer me.

He sighed violently and let out a crisp murmur before facing me again.

“They went there together. I don’t know the whole story. Just ask him,” he said coldly to me and quickly exited when the elevator opened.

The exact time I got out of the elevator was when my phone rang so I immediately picked it up. When I saw who the caller was I quickly answered that.

“H-hi,” I uttered.

I stopped walking towards my table and look at nowhere. My eyes search for Jaxon, but I can no longer see him.

I could feel the trembling of my lips as I listened to his voice. He seems so real, Rae. What the fuck is happening?

“I thought you’re not going to answer my call again. How are you? Rafa and Yerim told me that you were sick. Are you okay?” he casually asked me on the other line so I smiled bitterly.

“I’m... I’m fine, Lev. You?" I asked him again and tried to hide the pain in my voice.

“Are you sure? Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. You should be concerned about yourself. What happened to you?" he asked me again so I was shaken.

I suddenly remembered what Jaxon had said so my knees became even softer. He should be fine, of course. He’s with Mari. Someone was taking care of him there. Why should I even worry?

“No, I'm really fine. How is Dad Henry? Where you are now? Who are you with? Did you eat already?" I could no longer restrain myself from flooding him with questions.

I heard the momentary silence around and the next was the female voice in the background so I almost fell down. I felt all my hope vanish suddenly when I heard whose voice it was.

“I’m the only one here, Lumiere. Why suddenly asked about that? Dad Henry’s fine, the farm isn’t there yet,” he answered me seriously so I nodded one after another.

I bit my lower lip, suppressing my swearing. Liar!

“O-okay, Lev. I'm already in the office, talk to you later. Bye.”

I ended the call and rush to Kat to ask her something. I no longer ignored the tears that kept coming out of my eyes.

"Hey, Rae — wait, why are you crying?"

“Isn’t Mari here? Shouldn’t she be here because she has a meeting with Levi’s dad?" I asked her and ignored what she said.

“A week without Ms. Marichu. Didn’t Sir Levi tell you they went to Tierra Fima together?”

Oh, wow. What else are you hiding from me, Levi? Or of all, you said, which one is true?