THIRTY-EIGHT TRIP

Where is Levi? Why isn't he coming? I wanted to ask him but I just kept quiet. The night I found out what happened to mama while I was at Tierra Fima, I wasted no more time. I told Jaxon to take me to the city immediately without talking to him. I don’t know if he visited me in the hospital when I was unconscious but I think, even if he did visit me, Yerim and Rafa would not let him get close to me.

I don’t feel anything anymore. I can no longer remember everything because everything hurts so much for me.

“Levi wants to talk to you. He’s outside,” Jaxon suddenly uttered which made me look at him.

A few more seconds passed before he turned to look at me. I’m not sure what was in his mind but I can see pain and guilt in his eyes.

I look away from him and shook my head. “I still can't, Jax. I might give up,” I almost whispered to him.

I felt him take my hand and wrapped it in his hand tightly.

"I'll go with you, don't worry," he told me softly.

Eventually, I let him take me outside. As soon as I saw his car far from the entrance of the church where we were, I immediately felt nervous... and sick. I don’t know if I can see him now or not. I suddenly feel scared and anxious.

When we got close to the car, he quickly got out of there. I was still backing away when I saw him approach me. I can see pain all over his eyes when he saw me almost back out. When I looked for Jaxon next to me, he was gone. He stayed at the entrance of the church.

"Lumiere..."

I gasped when I heard his voice again. I felt the weakness in my whole being again and I could hardly look at him. I can't bear to look at him.

"Hey... please, look at me," he uttered. The next thing I knew, he was in front of me.

He tried to reach my hand but I immediately took it away from him. I tried to meet his gaze but only agonizing pain I felt when I saw his blue eyes... which weren’t like that before. His expression was full of guilt and bait. He looks wasted. His hair was messy and he was wearing only a black t-shirt and pants. I look for the former joy in my heart when I see him but I can no longer see.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him coldly which surprised him.

I averted my eyes from him when he tried to grab my hand again.

"Please talk to me. I'm here now, baby. I’m so... sorry,” he uttered which made my heart sink.

I laughed sarcastically at him. “I don't need you anymore, Lev. Go away,” I told him emphatically and turned my back on him.

I was about to take a step away from him when he immediately grabbed my free hand and quickly pulled me back to him. He suddenly pulled me inside his arms and I could smell his perfume again.

“I’m so sorry... I know I was fucking wrong but everything you think is wrong. I was just comforting Mari when she got there from the hospital because she was having an asthma attack. I fell asleep and I... nothing happened, I swear to God,” he explained as I could feel his trembling voice.

I pushed him away from me violently. I couldn’t stop myself from punching him in the chest because I was so angry. I could feel my anger welling up at him and at what had happened.

"I don’t need your explanation! Leave me alone!" I cried out in despair.

“Lumiere, please... I will not leave here until we're okay. Forgive me-'

"I told you I need you here but you fucking ignored me! I need you here, Levi but you didn't let me see you! Do you know what I went through while you were with her? My brother died while I was missing you so much!” I shouted while sobbing.

I could feel the pain in my heart as I watched him just stare at me. As if he had no idea what was going on because he had been busy with other women.

I firmly wiped away my tears and breathed violently.

"Y-you didn't give me even a moment!" I added as I almost knelt in front of him.

“Lumiere, please... I’m begging. Calm down, baby. I'm sorry. Let's talk properly. I can’t fucking lose you,” he begged and hugged me again but I pushed him away from me immediately.

"You just lost me, Levi..." I whispered.

“I... I went there to see you because I miss you so much. While I was busy chasing you, I couldn’t take care of my own parents. D-do you know how painful it is? That... I put you first even though I know she's not in a good condition!” I told him as I pushed him again.

I can now hear him sobbing while looking at me intently, full of pain.

“A-and now she’s gone... I-I couldn’t even say goodbye to her! I-I didn’t have the chance to say to her that I still needed her, that she wouldn’t leave me. I-I lost her when I wasn’t with her because I was chasing you! D-do you fucking know how painful it is? T-that you’re supposed to be my strength while I’m fucking here... at my darkest days...” I paused and sob harder.

I feel tired all over my being. It's only now that I feel so tired that I don't want to feel it again.

“L-Lumiere, please... don’t do this. I fucking love you. I’m so sorry...” he uttered in his cracked voice.

I shook my head and turned my back on him.

“I... I will always regret that we met. I should just let you remain a stranger to me,” I almost whispered to him and walked away from him.

I will seldom experience regret for anything that I’ve done. This pain will haunt and I will be tormented forever.