THIRTY-SEVENTH TRIP

I wanted to approach her but I could not move because my knees were shaking. I stared blankly at her as I stood at the door of the room where she was. I felt nothing but dizziness and confusion. Why is this like this? Why all ‘this’ is happening to me? What am I doing wrong? Have I not been a good person? Have I not been a good daughter or sister? Why me?

“Rae, you need to go home and rest first. It’s almost midnight, you need to rest,” I heard my Auntie tell me.

I did not say a word. I just stared at the woman I thought was stronger than me but she wasn't. I’m wrong and I can’t fix all that.

“I... I'll just wait for her to wake up, Aunt Carol. I told her I would go home soon, maybe she was waiting for me,” I didn't have my own answer to her then approached her.

She's sleeping. Peaceful. There is no emotion but it is obvious how peaceful it looks. I held her hand and almost cried when I felt the coldness of it.

“M-mama... Wake up. I'm already here,” I whispered.

“Rae, enough. She won’t wake up anymore,” Aunt Carol uttered but I didn’t listen to her.

“W-why... you haven't woken up yet? Y-you said you’ll wait for me. I've been here before... I've been here before. Let's go home, please...” I continued as I felt my tears starting to stream down my face.

My heart started to sink as I held her hand tightly. I shook her a little just to wake her up completely but it had no effect. She was still asleep so I went even more insane with the pain.

“Astraea... your mother is dead. She will never wake up— ”

“N-no! She's not, Tita! She shouldn't be here. I-I can't. D-don't... don't do this, ma. Please, I'm begging... wake her up. Please!” I pleased her and finally let go of her hand because I was already sitting there.

"S-she said she'll wait for me!" I screamed in pain.

It's like I'm going to die of this pain. I can no longer give a description of everything I feel because even once, I understand nothing. I feel like I am dying too. Triple the pain I feel because I can’t accept it.

“M-ma! Wake up there. Why did you do that? Y-you said you’ll wait for me! What about me? A-Am I not enough of a reason for you to fight? I-I'm still here, oh. I... I am still fighting for us even though we are just two... but why... w-why did you even leave me...”

I can not do it. I felt like I was a cigarette that went down and was trampled on over and over again just to die. My whole body is weakening. I could feel the trembling of my hands and knees. I can't even stand up. I feel so lost and hopeless. Why is this happening?

“Rae... calm down. Your baby...” I heard Yerim whisper to me as she hugged me tightly.

“I... I can’t! I can’t fucking accept this! P-please, Ye... t-tell the doctor, maybe she's really okay. M-maybe they can find a way... w-wake her up. I-I can't. W-why didn't she think of me? I-I can't do this... I'm fucking begging... ”I begged but nothing happened.

I could hear nothing but my loud moaning in that room. I can't even count how many times I begged everyone just to wake her up. I was begging to everyone to make everything stop especially the pain but they did nothing.

I feel like I can't handle everything especially when I think I'm alone. They all left me. I was not reason enough for them to fight. I haven’t been reason enough for them to stay. I haven’t been reason enough for them to be strong. I feel betrayed because I hoped that I was one of the reasons why she resisted but I was wrong. Because they were my reason for everything. What’s just ‘me? Why are they doing this to me?

"M-make it stop,‘ ma... I-I can't do it anymore but I fought for you, "I uttered and I was completely swallowed up by the darkness.

When I woke up, I was already at home. I don't know how many days I died in my sleep but Yerim told me I was unconscious in the hospital for two days. My mind doesn’t want to accept everything especially when I come home and see her lying in the white coffin. I sat down next to Aunt Carol, her youngest sister then closed her eyes firmly.

"You're pregnant, did you tell her before this happened?" She asked me which made me look at her.

My upper lip just lifted but no voice came out there.

"If you had told her earlier, she would have stayed," she told me sadly and then smiled bitterly.

I averted my eyes from her. I stared at the coffin in front of us. My mind would be empty if not just the situation now. I can't imagine what awaits me after this. I can't even remember when we last met. When he also crushed me finely.

“The doctor told you to be careful. Fortunately, your baby is strong. You may not be able to cope when you lose him. Rest, Astraea,” she added and rubbed my back.

I bit my lower lip when it hits me. I don't want to admit it, but I admit for a moment that I forgot my condition because of what happened. I suddenly felt scared so I grabbed my stomach which was not that big yet.

Over the day of my mother’s funeral, Jaxon suddenly appeared in front of me as I sat alone inside. It was early in the morning and the other guests were asleep. I was even surprised when he joined me. I feel like he wants to say something but he just holds back.

"I want to ask how are you doing but I think, it’s a stupid question to ask," he finally broke the silence between us.

I hugged myself because of the cold I was feeling. "I'm fine, Jax. Why are you here?" I asked him again.

"Because I don’t want you to feel alone. I told you, you can always talk to me because I'm always here, Rae,” he said to me seriously but softly.