Chapter 12

Saturday 12.14pm

Ellie

I’m sitting on a park bench, eating my lunch and trying to decide whether I want to return to PICU when my phone buzzes in my pocket.

Since it’s Grace, I accept the call and press the phone to my ear. “Hi. How are things in Westdale?”

“Good. Great in fact. That’s why I’m calling. A position has come up and I think you’d be perfect for it.”

I should have expected this call to come, I still haven’t been given the all-clear to go back to work full time. “You’re trying to get rid of me?”

“No. Not at all. But your contract is coming up for renewal, so I wanted to give you the option before you committed.”

I keep my eyes on a family sitting nearby as I reply. “I thought I had a few more weeks to decide?”

“You do. That’s why the timing is perfect. The clinic needs a practice nurse, and it would be a great way for you to test out a different style of nursing.”

I frown hard. “Clinic? What clinic?”

Grace chuckles. “Sorry, I skimmed over that part. You know I used to work here in Westdale? That tiny clinic not far from Maggie’s?’

I nod, still a little uncertain. “They’re looking for a nurse?”

“Yep. The doctor just took on a silent partner and wants to extend the hours to include a walk-in clinic.”

That only makes me frown harder. “I mean, it sounds great, but the commute would—”

She cuts me off. “You wouldn’t be commuting. The job offer comes with a relocation package including a cute little cottage right behind the clinic.”

I release a breath as I shake my head. It sounds too good to be true, and it’s a little too convenient.

Either Grace is trying to get rid of me, the hospital is, or there’s something she’s not telling me.

My mind immediately slides to Cooper, and I grip the phone tighter. “And let me guess? The pay is outstanding?”

Grace sounds indignant when she replies. “I know that tone. You’re dismissing this before you’ve even considered it. But, yes the new owner is offering a great incentive to relocate.”

I narrow my eyes and have to fight to keep my irritation from showing. “And this didn’t have anything to do with Cooper?”

If I didn’t already suspect it, the silence stretching down the line would prove it.

"I never said anything about Cooper," she finally says.

I snort a laugh and am two seconds from ending the call. “Nice try. But if this is his half-assed attempt at an apology, it’s weak.”

Grace’s voice comes out clipped reminding me she is still my boss. “You might want to drop the attitude. I’ve stuck my neck out for you, but with your contract almost done, you need to keep your options open.”

A ripple of worry trickles down my spine. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you should look at this offer seriously. It’s a great little town, you have an opportunity to upskill, and lay down roots. The doctor is more than willing to take on board any suggestions you have. Maybe it’s what you need right now?”

I run a hand through my hair and chew my lip as I consider what she’s saying.

But she’s not done trying to convince me. “You don’t have a lot of close friends in Chicago, do you? No pets, you can sublet your apartment, and give it a trial?”

I stare at my fingernails and admit she’s right. I don’t have many friends. More work associates, I barely have anything in my apartment. No knickknacks, no mementos. There was never any reason to collect reminders of a life I’d rather forget.

With every word from her mouth, it’s difficult to justify not thinking it over.

If it were anywhere else, I’d have accepted an interview already.

But it’s too easy. Too perfect. Just like Cooper seemed.

“Can I think about it?” I finally say.

Grace sighs down the line. “You can think about it after you meet with the doctor. He’s in town for a medical conference. He’s expecting you day after tomorrow when the conference wraps up.”

My mouth slackens. “You just arranged this without asking me?”

“Nothing is arranged. The hotel is three blocks from the hospital. If you don’t like what he has to say, then at least you’ve met with him.”

At the firmness of her tone, I know she won’t be pleased if I don’t go. “Fine. You’ve bullied me into it,” I mutter.

“I prefer to think of it as giving you a gentle shove,” she says through a laugh.

***

Cooper

The storage room is cleared out in the lodge, and I’m packing up the final boxes when Sam walks into the living room.

“So, this is it then?” Sam says.

I chuckle at how morose she sounds. “You make it sound like we’re breaking up.”

She rolls her eyes. “Mmmhmm. We are. You’re leaving the company you created.”

I grin at her. “Do you have to be such a pessimist? And I’m not leaving, I’m stepping down, and just focussing on doing the actual job people think we do.”

She leans against the bar and squints at me like I’m insane. “What the hell are you going to do all day? A vacation up here is one thing, living here is entirely different.”

I can think of multiple ways of filling time, but I still have to make that happen. “I have a couple things I’ve been putting off doing.”

A smile plays at her lips. “Do these things have anything to do with a pretty nurse?”

I smirk at her. “None of your business.”

She laughs and grabs the bottle of vodka sitting on the bench. “Okay, Coop. I’ll stay out of it, but don’t expect me to be happy about you leaving all the admin to me. I need an assistant.”

Since this is part of my plan, I wait until she’s uncapped the bottle and taken a swig before asking her probably the stupidest question in my life.

“You still care about her, don’t you?”

At the way her face tightens and the set to her shoulders, I know she does. “She’s a complete bitch, a pain in the fucking ass, and occasionally I’d like to slap her silly,” she says.

I lean against the bar. “But? You love her?”

She rolls her eyes and takes another swig. “Unfortunately,” she grumbles.

I work my jaw as I steel myself for asking the unthinkable. “You still think she’s irredeemable?”

Emotion flashes over her face and she looks about as tortured as I feel. “Maybe with the right program. But what do I know?”

It’s a big step up from washing her hands completely, but it’s going to be a long process to get Gabby to admit she’s hurt people, let alone for Sam to forgive her.

“What if I had a bodyguard assigned to her? Someone who knows how manipulative she is? Someone who can keep her healthy and in rehab until the baby is born?”

Sam dangles the bottle from her fingers, and a wary smile flickers at her lips. “You have someone in mind?”

I cock my head and wait for her to connect the dots. When her eyes widen slightly she shakes her head. “No fucking way! I am not going to babysit her! She near drove Chris insane. She’s an irrational Harpie even without the drugs.”

I don’t say a word, just let her list every reason why she can’t until she runs out of reasons and just stares at me.

I keep my smile hidden as she shoves the bottle into my chest.

“I fucking hate your family,” she says.

I accept the bottle and take a large swig before I answer. “Join the club,” I say.

***

Ellie

8.47am

I walk across the foyer of the hotel, past the signs telling conference attendees where they can find each key-note speaker.

I recognize a few of the names, including one of the heart surgeons from the hospital, and there are a few topics that interest me, but I keep walking.

Despite not wanting to be here. I’m a little curious to meet with the doctor from the clinic.

Oddly, my thoughts stray back to my aunt, my reason for getting into nursing, and I find myself wishing I’d thought to call her before I came here.

I haven’t seen my Aunt Ruth since I graduated, and aside from monthly phone calls, two of which I’ve put off, seeing her has been too painful, but right now, I need her counsel.

Since I’m a little early, I pull my cell and, on a whim call her. I walk down the hallway and take a seat at the end of the hall.

Her gravelly voice comes down the line letting me know she’s still smoking. “Who died?”

I bite back a laugh. “No one Ruth. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Her laugh comes out amongst a flurry of expletives before she replies. “You didn’t want to hear it for the last few months.”

My chest tightens a little, and she seems to realize it was a little too harsh even for her. “But I guess you’ve been busy, so what do I owe this call then?”

I should have known she’d be as blunt as she always was. “I’ve got some time off, and thought I’d come to see you.”

She hacks out a cringe-worthy cough. “Feeling nostalgic, are you?”

I lean back a little in the chair, glad no one is around to overhear. “Something like that. But while I have you, I wanted to ask your advice about nursing.”

“Go ahead.”

I check my watch and wish I’d thought of this earlier. “I’m not sure I’m the right fit for PICU. Um, I’m not as tough as you.”

She sighs loudly, which seems to bring on another coughing fit. When she recovers her voice is alarmingly reedy. “Not about being tough you dim wit. If that were the case, you’d have nothing to worry about, girl. And just because you didn’t see me break, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”

“But if I don’t nurse, what else can I do with my life?”

“You’re saying that because you feel like you made your choice and you’re stuck. Life is in constant motion, you gotta learn to roll with it. Some things you can’t control.”

She’s not saying anything I haven’t already heard from her before. Usually when I’ve had a few drinks and need to remind myself I’m not completely alone in this world.

“Look at me. Career nurse. I paid my dues; I served my time and gave up the best years of my life to this job. What do I have to show for it? A bad back and knees shot to hell.”

If I needed a pep talk, she probably wasn’t the right person to call. I know she has regrets, but I’ve never been brave enough to ask her.

But if I’m going to do this, I need as much confirmation as I can get from someone who understands. “If you could do it again, would you have been a nurse?”

I can hear her wheezing. “That’s not a conversation I’m having with you over the phone, girl,” she scolds.

I glance at the door and wince as I check the time again. “I’m sorry. I’m kind of on the spot. I need to make a decision, and you’re the only person who knows about my shit,” I say.

I can hear her taking rattling breaths as the seconds tick by. Finally, when I think she’s not going to answer me she sighs. “I knew a smuggler a while back. Mexican. Alejandro. Hot as the devil and twice as much fun. I nearly quit my job here and went on the lam with him.”

My eyebrows raise and I have to lower my voice as a couple walk down the hall and open the door to their room. “What happened?”

“Federales showed up at my door one night. I had my own troubles, tangling with the law was the last thing I wanted. Next time he showed up, I sent him packing.”

A lump begins to form in my stomach as I consider Cooper. “I’m sorry.”

She laughs and starts to cough. “Nothing to be sorry about, girl. It was a long time ago. I made my choice and it was the right one.”

I flick a look at my watch and rise to my feet. “When did you know it was the right choice?”

I walk back down the hallway towards the room I’m meeting the doctor in and stop outside as I wait for her answer.

“The second I realized he’d never have chosen me over drug running,” she says.

I close my eyes and nod even though she can’t see me. “I think I understand. You couldn’t compete.”

Her laugh sounds caustic. “Not permanently. For a man like that, women are nothing more than pleasant distractions.”

Cold spills down my spine as I replay my conversations with Cooper. If this is all just a coincidence, I’d be making a fool of myself moving to Westdale.

“Sorry. I have to go. I’ll come to see you soon,” I promise.

I switch the phone to silent, push it inside my pocket, take a breath and knock on the door.

***

Cooper

It’s a risk. She’s already pissed off, but when I open the door, I forget all that, and can’t seem to find anything to say.

If she’s surprised to see me, she covers it as she blows out a breath. “Is there really a job offer? Or is this about another one of your relatives?”

I open the door wider. “There’s a real job offer. Come in we can talk about it.”

I think she’s going to tell me to fuck off, but she takes a hesitant step into the suite.

I close the door behind her and find her standing, arms folded across her chest as she near glares at me.

“This better not be a ploy to get me into bed,” she says.

My lip curls. “Tempting. But I’d rather get you to work in my clinic.”

She frowns hard. “Your clinic? Is that part of your ‘company’?”

At the emphasis on the word company I flinch. “I guess I owe you an explanation.”

She chokes on a laugh as she takes a seat on the sofa. “That’s an understatement.”

I follow her lead and sit on the edge of the chair. “Would it make a difference if I told you that’s all behind me?”

Her eyes narrow. “What is? Killing people?”

I work my jaw. “Yes.”

She holds my gaze, not blinking, face rigid. “It’s that easy to walk away is it?”

A smile twitches at my lips before I stop it. “Some choices are easier to make than others.”

She sits back a little, but her face remains unchanged, giving me no indication she got my meaning. “I saw Gabby a few days ago.”

My eyebrows raise since that’s news to me. “I hope Chris was with her?”

She gives me a nod. “Reluctantly. But it did give me a little insight into your childhood.”

That makes me sit up a little straighter. “And?”

She shrugs. “Can’t say I understand how you wound up doing what you do, but I’m not exactly in a position to judge anyone.”

I know I’m on thin ice, and I’m not about to do anything to make it crack, so I choose my words very carefully. “This is what I know how to do, and for the most part, it suited me.”

Something flickers over her face, but she doesn’t say anything, so I take a breath and lay it all on the line. “I hated my family. But I hated how they treated Gabby even more. She wasn’t always so hard to handle. But they practically ignored us unless we were either achieving or getting in trouble.”

She gives me a nod. “You went in opposite directions. You overachieved, she underachieved.”

It’s a fair assessment so I carry on. “Gabby was desperate to get their attention any way she could. By the time I left for military school, she was having recreational sex, getting drunk, doing drugs, and stealing. My parents knew about most of it and ignored it all.”

Even saying it out loud makes nausea roil in my stomach. “I talked to dad. Told him, but he refused to believe it. Said Gabby was a liar and fabricated stories. In the end, I think he just couldn’t deal with any of it. Mom treated him like an ATM, had too many affairs to count, and he just sort of pretended it wasn’t happening.”

Ellie shakes her head and sighs. “Do you still see your parents?”

I shake my head. “Stopped all contact when they cut Gabby off.”

Her eyes find mine, and I can see the doubt swimming in the amber hues. “Why am I really here, Cooper?”

It’s harder than I expected to get the words out. “I’ve started the paperwork to be the legal guardian for Gabby’s baby. For the next four months, she’s going to be living in Westdale so I can keep a close eye on her.”

Her eyes widen, then narrow. “And you needed a nurse so you thought you’d ask me again?”

At her words, a cautious smile starts to grow and when she half returns it, I decide to go all in. “I figured if I couldn’t convince you to give me another chance, maybe you’d give yourself one.”

Her lips press together, and from the dark look on her face, I know I just pissed her off. “Come back with me.”

At the slight intake of breath, I think she’s going to get up and slap me, but the calmness to her voice makes what she says so much worse. “I’m not the person you want,” She says.

I frown at her and shake my head. “You’re exactly who I want. I could have asked a dozen nurses, but I’m asking you. I want you and only you.”

While I’m still trying to process why she looks disappointed at my declaration, she gets to her feet and looks down at me. “I can’t nurse Gabby. She has something I can never have. Not with you or any other man.”

When I hesitate, not understanding, she gives me a sad smile that stabs like a thousand knives into my chest.

And as I scramble to process the implication of what she just said, she rises to her feet and hurries from the room, leaving me staring into thin air.

***

Ellie

I don’t cry as I walk away. There’s no point. In a single conversation I’ve lost a job I had started to warm to and a man I cared about.

It shouldn’t still hurt. But it does. The look of pure incomprehension on Cooper’s face reopened the wound I’ve tried so hard to stitch up.

But nothing can. Not Joss, not working with kids, not working in the maternity ward. Nothing can fill the gaping hole I have inside me.

Numbness spreads through me as I leave the hotel in a familiar fog of self-loathing.

Because no matter how hard I try to deny it, I do want to be a mom. I do want a family of my own, and for one shining moment, I thought Cooper might have been the one to understand.

I swallow the lump in my throat down and walk towards the elevators. At least I have somewhere to go.

Ruth may not be the epitome of motherly, but she’s the only person in the world who understands why I was terrified to have a baby of my own and why I was relieved my body ultimately took that away from me.

I was so grief-stricken that all I have are scattered memories of a hospital Ruth worked at, the pain, and the empty feeling inside.

And until the last few years, I’ve been more than happy to not have that added worry on my plate.

I had a great career, I loved my job, and the kids were enough.

Until the night of the bus crash. Then everything started to fall to pieces.

It’s pointless allowing myself to think about that right now. I need to stay strong. I need to push it all back neatly in place with the rest of my past where it belongs.

Still in a fog, I stumble down the hallway and decide to take the stairs rather than the elevator.

My entire body feels like ice as I descend into the depths of the hotel. I hate that there’s a part of me, that wished Cooper would magically appear.

After talking to Gabby, I had really started to believe that we had something more than heat.

When I reach the basement, I push through the door and know exactly where I’m going to go until I figure things out.