Chapter 13

Millie

As the snow recedes and I’ve made it to the highway, I stare blankly out the windshield and wonder how I’m expected to move on from this weekend.

A man is lying dead in his cabin. A man who choked me, and then held a gun to me. And I’m supposed to just get over it?

My hands are still shaking, and despite the heater being on high, I can’t seem to warm up.

I know I’m probably in shock. But I also know I don’t want to spend another minute more here than I have to.

After this hellish weekend, I don’t think I’ll ever come back to Alaska ever again.

I just want to go home. See my parents and try to erase this entire weekend from my memory.

I haven’t checked my phone since I left Ryder’s an hour ago and gave my mom another lousy excuse for why I’m delayed.

The last thing I want is a message from Cindy asking for an explanation to the message I sent when Jake was still alive.

As the miles pass, I’m getting so tired, I’m worried I might not make it to the airport.

When I see a rest stop, I pull over and check to see if Ryder has any chocolate or anything that will help me stay awake in his glovebox.

I rummage around but find nothing but a manual, and some tools before I twist around and check the backseat.

It’s too dark to see but my fingers snag a bag so I haul it into the front and hope I can find something to perk me up.

I place the carryall on the front seat and switch the overhead light on before I unzip it.

I shift a few clothes to the side and find myself staring at a stack of framed photos and a bunch of magazines.

Curious, I pull the first photo out and see a picture of a teenaged Ryder and a pretty girl a little younger than him standing in a gym.

I have no idea who she is, or why he has a framed picture of them in such a weird place, so I place it back in the bag and pull out a magazine.

It’s a sports magazine with Ryder on the cover, and after thumbing through it, I realize this is where he’s stashed his other MMA memorabilia.

I pull out magazine after magazine of his face on the cover until I get to a scrapbook.

I pull it out and open it, expecting to find a collection of more pictures of him, but instead, it’s photos of the girl and Ryder together in a gym called Lake Street.

The more I look at them, the more I realize this girl was a significant part of his life as a fighter.

I scroll through the photos and the empty pages of the album and a piece of solitary paper falls into my lap.

I pick it up and frown as I see a photo of the girl in the gym again, but not with Ryder, but with a younger Jake.

I scan the headline and grow more perplexed as my exhausted brain makes the connection to what Ryder was trying to tell me.

Renowned MMA coach denies allegations. Review board to suspend license pending investigation.

Former heavyweight boxer and coach Jake ‘Hammer’ Austin has denied allegations he sexually assaulted one of his female fighters and said injuries came with the territory.

Ms. O’Neil has been unavailable to comment but sources close to Ms. O’Neil says she no longer trains at the Lake Street gym.

This is not the first time Austin’s coaching methods have come under scrutiny. In 2005 when the sport was in its infancy, three women accused the coach of assault.

Austin has maintained that MMA is a contact sport, and to teach the methods effectively a certain amount of physical touching is necessary.

While numerous female MMA fighters have come out in support of Austin’s coaching style, several big-name fighters coached by Austin have been guarded and have refused to address the rumors.

Ryder Renholm, Welterweight UFC, arguably Austin’s most successful fighter and training partner to O’Neil is among those who remain tight-lipped about Austin’s accusers.

I push the piece of paper back into the album and take another look at the magazines I glanced at.

Sure enough, there are several pictures of Carrie-Anne O’Neil, the girl in the picture, and Ryder training in the Lake Street gym.

I rub my eyes and feel all the blood drain from my face as I see a smaller article dated thirteen months ago.

UFC rocked by the death of featherweight Carrie-Anne O’Neil days after coach cleared of wrong-doing. The coroner’s findings are conclusive with suicide.

Training partner and friend Raging Ryder Renholm honors her memory before shocking defeat.

My fingers go to my throat, and I wince as I feel the bruising that will be hard to explain.

I look at the framed photo Ryder has kept and feel a little of my anger slip away.

Tracing my finger around his face, I sigh as I carefully put everything back the way I found it and give up my sense of righteous indignation.

I place the bag back and quit judging Ryder for wanting to distance himself from a world I could never in a million years hope to understand.

***

Ryder

I’m sitting outside, lighting up a joint that Kai somehow managed to smuggle in, when I hear a vehicle roll up outside.

Every muscle in my body tenses as I wait to see why Kai has come back when he’s supposed to be in a hotel in Anchorage.

But it’s Cindy who appears in the front yard. She’s still limping, but that she’s upright and able to drive is a good sign.

Since the cabin smells of bleach and I’m trying to air it out a little before I try to get some sleep, I call out to her from my spot on the front porch. “Little late for visitors.”

Her eyes shift to my swollen face, and half-closed eye. “What the hell is going on Ryder? And what happened to your face?”

“Kai dropped by. And I’m getting stoned. Want to join me?”

Her boots crunch through the snow as she eyes the joint in my fingers.

“What happened to not wanting anyone from Lake Street knowing you were here?”

“Yeah well, I didn’t. But Kai saw my photo and managed to track me down. Sorry if I worried you. You know Kai. I wasn’t sure if he was going to show up looking for a fight.”

She frowns as I light the joint and take a long drag. “Looks like he was looking for a fight. How did he manage to find you here though?”

I shrug and pass her the joint in the hopes she’ll not press too hard. “Think I told him about us coming here as kids. Must have put two and two together.”

She inhales and coughs. “Since this is a night for visitors. I don’t suppose you heard from Millie too?”

“Nope. You?”

She scrunches up her face. “Kind of. She sent me a weird text. That’s why I came.”

I look at her and mentally thank God Kai and Millie were gone before Cindy arrived. “Oh yeah. What she say?”

She pulls out her phone and reads the text. “Call Elena rudder in tribal.”

I snort a laugh. “What? Let me see that.”

She passes me the phone and it doesn’t take much to figure out autocorrect sabotaged her cry for help.

Considering I think she said. Call Elijah Ryder in trouble. I’m now thanking God and autocorrect.

If her text had made a lick of sense, I wouldn’t be sitting here getting stoned, I’d be in a jail cell along with Kai.

I hand her back her phone. “Looks like she pocket texted you.”

She takes the joint from my fingers. “Maybe. I did get a text from her mom saying she’s on another flight.”

At the knowledge Millie’s safely on a plane a little of the tension releases from my shoulders.

Cindy takes a long drag. “Is Kai planning on coming back again?”

I know this is going to rock her, so I try to sound relaxed. “He talked me into a fight. He’s in Anchorage. I’m going there on New Year’s Day.”

Her eyes pop. “To train with Jake?”

I take another drag and rest my head back so I can think of a way to explain why I won’t be working with Jake. “I’ll be going alone. Unaffiliated with a gym or a coach to start with. Then I’ll announce my retirement. Make it official.”

“Are you sure you don’t need Jake?”

I shake my head. “What I need is for you to get he’s a prick. You never saw that side of him.”

She nods slowly. “That’s code for stop asking about him isn’t it?”

I narrow my eyes at her. “Yeah. It is.”

Thankfully she does stop asking about Jake. “Where’s the fight?”

“If Kai can wrangle it, Vegas.”

A wry smile appears. “Not far from Millie.”

I frown at her. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t make this into something it’s not.”

“I didn’t make it into anything. You and Millie did that all by yourselves.”

“It’s not going to happen. We’re too different and it’s a complicated mess.”

“Except she made you happy. I haven’t seen you smile like that since you were training with Carrie.”

At the reminder, something tweaks in my already bruised chest. “That was different.”

Cindy sighs and takes the joint off me so she can relight it. “I know. You were just friends. That’s what I mean. She made you laugh but it was platonic. Millie made you laugh, and unfortunately, I also know it wasn’t platonic.”

My lips curl into a smile I’m not sure has anything to do with the weed. “No, it was not. It was insanely hot.”

Cindy rolls her eyes and passes me the joint. “Spare me the details. I already had three days of goo-goo eyes and staring vacantly into space from Millie. I don’t need it from you too.”

I pull a face at her. “I don’t make goo-goo eyes.”

She sighs again and nudges my shoulder. “Give it time and you will. You’re just as smitten as she is, big brother.”

I try for a frown, but Kai is known for the quality of his product, so my facial muscles refuse to work.

I give up trying to fight it, and just let the mellowness spread through me until I’m grinning at Cindy. “I am not smitten. It was just a crazy hot weekend. That’s all.”

She shakes her head and grins back at me. “Keep telling yourself that, one day you might believe it,” she says.

***

Millie

New Year’s Eve 6.12pm

I’m hiding in the kitchen avoiding my sister in law’s lousy advice, and the noise her over-excited kids are making when my mom finds me.

Glammed up in a wraparound dress, heels, and wearing a little eye makeup to accent her blue eyes, she’s looking far younger than her fifty-three years.

She sighs wearily as she takes a seat at the table. “Are you sure you don’t want to come to dinner? You still have time to change.”

I screw up my face and look at my sweatpants and fluffy socks. “I really just want an early night. I’m still a little jet-lagged.”

It’s not the entire truth, but I’m not about to tell her any of the details of why I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck and why my neck is so bruised I’m wearing a turtleneck.

Her brow puckers. “I do worry about what all this travel does to you. You seem to spend half your life in airports these days.”

She’s not wrong. And it’s a conversation Adam and I had on numerous occasions. “I like visiting new places. Airports are a necessary evil,” I say.

“But working for Terry isn’t though is it? Have you talked to him about what he did to Cindy’s brother yet?”

I wince internally and wish I’d not mentioned why I’m considering a job change. As far as my family knows I spent the weekend with Ryder, but I’ve kept all other details to myself.

“I’m not sure I want to talk to Terry, mom.”

And I’m not. Even though he’s left me a bunch of messages asking me to call him. I’m still angry, and still worried Ryder might carry out his threat and sue.

After what I witnessed at Ryder’s cabin, leaving the magazine seems like a sensible thing to do.

As far as I’m concerned, the more distance I put between anything related to Alaska the better.

As if she’s reading my mind, my mom pats my hand. “I know you’re angry, but you will need a reference, though won’t you? You’ve worked for him for seven years.”

I force a smile and am about to agree with her when my sister in law Lynn walks in.

She’s dressed to kill, with heels to extend her five-eight frame and she’s slathered on both the makeup and perfume, making my nose itch. “Oh, there you are. I was looking for you.”

I cringe as she assesses my attire, and I can see her mentally chastising me. My mother stiffens a little as Lynn sits beside her, and frowns at me.

“You aren’t coming?”

I shake my head. “I’m tired.”

Lynn’s carefully coiffed eyebrows rise. “But you came all this way. And it’s a family tradition.”

Considering she’s only been a part of our family for two years, her calling me out for not coming is a little rich.

But like my mom, I just smile and try to ignore the condescending woman my brother chose to marry. “There might be some single men there,” she says.

I hide my grimace behind a tight smile and see my mother doing the same. “I’m not looking for a relationship. My last one just ended.”

Lynn’s lips purse together and as always, she’s far too blunt. “Maybe you just weren’t compatible? You know in bed?”

Heat tracks across my cheeks as I struggle to find a way to counteract that. Thankfully, my mom jumps in to save me. “Not only is that inappropriate, but it’s also unfounded. Chris and I married when neither of us knew what we were doing. We learned.”

I cringe and clear my throat to put a stop to this conversation before my mother shares anything else about my father I’d rather not know.

But Lynn is oblivious to my distress, and just frowns. “I guess you were lucky you both like the same things then.”

My mother looks more than a little annoyed. “Luck has nothing to do with it.”

Lynn looks set to argue. Given she’s only been married for two years, she really has no business trying to school my mother. But as usual, she’s more interested in being right.

“You and Chris are the exception to the rule. Not many couples meet in high school and are still married thirty years later.”

Thankfully before they can get into a conversation that won’t solve anything, my dad walks into the room.

When he sees my mom, his entire face lights up, and he winks at me. “How’d I get so lucky? I get to see both my girls on New Year’s.”

I smile back at him as he slides his hand around my mom’s waist. “Sure you won’t join us? We can wait for a few more minutes?”

I shake my head. “Thanks. But I need to deal with some work stuff and I’m still catching up on sleep.”

As mom bobs her head, dad frowns hard letting me know he’s annoyed with Terry’s behavior. “Are you going to quit?”

I shrug and look at mom. “I’m not sure.”

At the annoyance on dad’s face, I can see he wants to help me, so I plaster a smile on my face. “Don’t worry I won’t make any decisions tonight.”

He smiles and sends a not so subtle look in Lynn’s direction. “We’ll be back just after midnight. I’ll take you out for breakfast so we can catch up.”

Mom smiles at me as dad steers her out of the kitchen.

The second they’re gone, Lynn turns her attention to me again. “I didn’t want to say anything in front of your mom, but are you sure you aren’t interested in women?”

I smother an eye-roll at her persistence. “I like men.”

She doesn’t look convinced but tries another strategy. “It would make sense though.”

I had no intention of telling anyone about Ryder, but I can’t resist saying something I will probably come to regret.

I lower my voice in case anyone is within earshot. “It would make sense if I hadn’t just spent the weekend being fucked senseless by a man.”

Her mouth drops open, and a weird, strangled sound comes out as she stares at me like I’m an alien. “That’s why you didn’t come for Christmas?” she whispers.

I smile as pleasantly as I can. “Oh, I came for Christmas. Ryder made sure of that.”

I get to my feet and take way too much pleasure that she still looks shocked when I walk out the kitchen door.

***

Ryder

I’m sitting in my cabin staring at the contract in front of me and trying not to think about Jake or Millie.

Kai kicks my shin under the table. “Wake up princess. We have a plane to catch. Sign on the dotted line and we can make this happen.”

I extend my middle finger and pick up the pen. “This will be my first fight without Jake in my corner.”

Kai looks at the spot on the floor where Jake’s blood has been scrubbed clean.

“Yeah, well. You don’t need that motherfucker. I never believed any of that shit until I saw him with your woman. Carrie-Anne, man. Fuck.”

I work my jaw as I stare at the contract that will see me back in the cage in a month. “We need to get our stories straight. Someone is bound to come looking.”

Kai shakes his head. “Nah. They won’t. I called my cuz and he had someone make it look good. As far as the airline knows a glitch took down their system for a couple hours. Too bad it wiped all records of arrivals, and the security footage.”

I sit back in my chair and frown at him. “That is the scariest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

He chuckles. “Good thing you’re my bitch then. You need someone to take care of you.”

I mime jerking off and scrawl my signature before I change my mind. “You know I’m going to fucking slaughter you.”

He leans back in his chair and grins. “No fucking way, princess. I’m gonna knock you the fuck out then rub my great big hairy balls all over your face.”

I snort a laugh. “You’ll submit like you always do. You got no ground-work.”

His grin only gets wider as he picks up the contract and gets to his feet. “We need to get moving. Long haul back to Anchorage,” he says.

I nod and grab my bag. “Thanks for driving my truck back.”

He eyes me. “Not that I want to get all up in your shit, but there are lots of guys who make it work, you know. It’s a choice.”

I scowl at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

He looks around the cabin. “The blonde chick. She met you outside of fighting and likes you. Can’t say I understand it, but she does.”

I open the door and frown at him. “And how is that supposed to work? She hates my guts.”

He shakes his head as we walk back to the garage. “You don’t know shit about women. She put herself on the line for you. That means something. She could have gone back to her family. She didn’t”

I don’t reply as I climb into my truck and adjust the seat. “As usual you’re talking through a hole in your ass. She isn’t going to want anything to do with me.”

Kai frowns at me. “I saw the look on your face when Jake was hurting her. You can deny it, but you dig her too. You should make it happen.”

I have nothing to say to that, and I’m tired of people telling me I need to try to fix the unfixable. “I’m done talking about this.”

To stop him from yacking, I switch the radio on and turn the volume up.

With a final look at the cabin, I have more bad memories than good ones of, I push my foot down on the accelerator.

“You better not fuck me over, Kai,” I growl.

He just laughs. “Don’t need to. You’re doing too good a job of that already.”

***

Millie

From his spot opposite me at Denny’s, dad shoves a mouthful of bacon into his mouth and sighs. “Don’t tell your mother about this. I’m supposed to be watching my cholesterol.”

I smile and place a mouthful of pancake in my mouth. “Is it high?”

He shrugs. “A little. But we didn’t escape the zoo to talk about me. How are you doing, really?”

I know this is an attempt to distract me while he eats forbidden saturated fats. But mom is fully aware he’s cheating on his diet, so I cover a smile. “I’m okay. Just a bit tired.”

He frowns at me. “You said that at Thanksgiving too. Your mother and I worry about this lifestyle you’ve chosen.”

I take a sip of my coffee and sigh. “I’m thinking about taking a vacation. A real one. Not one where I have to jam everything into a weekend or a week just to keep to Terry’s schedule.”

He nods slowly. “Doesn’t leave much room for a social life, I suppose?”

I nod as I finish the last of my pancakes and push my plate away. “Is that you asking about what happened with Adam?”

He chuckles. “You did talk him up pretty big.”

I look around at the other diners. “I feel like I wasted six months of my life on him.”

Dad shakes his head. “Nothing is ever wasted. You learn from it and move on.”

I frown at my coffee and wish I could talk to dad about the man that’s really on my mind. “I feel like I’m making the same mistakes with men over and over.”

Dad slides his plate away and picks up his coffee. “You’re trying too hard. And rushing it. Just slow down and let things happen naturally.”

I smile at him and know I’ve probably got impossibly high standards thanks to the example he and my mother set. “Have you been watching Dr. Phil again?”

He chuckles. “I’m retired, not senile.”

I nearly choke on my coffee at the perturbed expression on his face. “Well, thanks. And thanks for breakfast.”

Thankfully he seems done talking or giving advice about Adam. “I’m interested in the weekend you spent in Alaska. Did you get to see the lights like you wanted?”

I shake my head. “I missed them.”

He pulls a face. ”Shame. Maybe next time?”

I’m not sure if there will be a next time, even though I know Cindy will be disappointed.

Dad seems to pick up on my reluctance and leans closer. “Did you have an argument with Cindy?”

I shake my head. “No. Cindy is great. I just don’t know if I want to go back any time soon.”

His chin drops and his face creases into one of concern. “Is this about Cindy’s brother? Is he why you missed your first flight?”

My stomach backflips. “Yes. Don’t tell mom, but we um…well.”

He holds up his hands and shakes his head. “I can guess. Your mom said you were stuck together for Christmas. But he’s the reason you don’t want to go back?”

I nod. “Things are kind of complicated, and I’m not sure seeing him is a good idea.”

His eyebrow raises. “And why’s that?”

I grimace as I can’t find anywhere to look. “This isn’t what I was planning on talking about,” I mutter.

Strangely when he doesn’t say anything, I look up and find myself talking about him. “He’s an MMA fighter. He moved to Alaska a year ago. He has some…issues.”

That’s an understatement if ever I uttered one. Even without witnessing the accidental shooting of his coach, any sensible woman would be running from a man like Ryder Renholm.

“Yes, we know. Your mother googled him when she found out that’s where you were spending Christmas,” dad says.

Heat rushes to my cheeks as I squirm under the knowledge my parents know way too much about the man I had a fling with.

I place my hands in my face. “You knew. And you didn’t say anything.”

Dad doesn’t say a word, forcing me to look at him. “Your brother and I saw him fight in Vegas,” he says.

“That’s all you have to say?”

He smiles wryly then picks up his coffee. “What do you think I should say?”

I slump back in my chair. “I don’t know. Do you have an opinion of him?”

He pulls a face at me. “I can’t very well form an opinion on a man I haven’t met. You, however, can. So, aside from thinking he has issues, what is your opinion?”

I open my mouth then slam it shut before I reply. “He’s rude, abrasive, cocky, and arrogant.”

My dad eyes me. “That’s not an opinion. That’s a laundry list of things you don’t like. I’d imagine there might be some things you do like about him, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

I stare at the table-top, thinking of all the reasons why Ryder is a horrible person I shouldn’t give another thought to, but somehow my mouth conspires against me.

“He works hard to hide it, but he has a softer side. He can be sweet and thoughtful. He’s smart, and he loves his sister. And even when we were arguing, I felt….”

I struggle to find the right word to end the sentence and hate that my throat is getting thick as the words dislodge in a clump. “Like, I could be myself.”

Dad releases a long sigh. “In a way you couldn’t be with Adam?”

I swallow hard and feel completely ridiculous I’m close to tears in Denny’s. “Is that crazy? I barely knew him, and we fought half the time.”

He nods slowly. “Well, he was a fighter. And from what I’ve read about his background, he’s had to fight for everything he has. But keep in mind, not many men would walk away from that much fame and fortune. Even with his coach being implicated.”

When my eyes pop, he smiles. “Your mother has become a google fiend. She probably knows more about your fighter than you do.”

A laugh slips out. “Well, that’s not surprising. He didn’t tell me anything about his professional life. Or about his coach.”

Dad finishes the last of his coffee and sets the mug down. “If his coach really is guilty of the things he’s accused of, he’s placed all his fighters in a difficult position.”

I nod but can’t seem to focus on the conversation any longer. All I can think about is that Ryder tried to talk to me the night Jake died, and I refused to listen.

Maybe if I had listened, I’d not be sitting here thinking I left someone I care about right when they needed me the most.

Whether I like it or not, Ryder and I are connected in a way I don’t think I could explain even if I wanted to.

I release a shallow breath and finally feel ready to admit what I’ve been denying for days now. “I’m being ridiculous, aren’t I? Pining after a man I can’t have.”

My father gives me a wry smile. “Love makes fools of us all,” he says.

***

Ryder

I’m sitting on a barstool, nursing a beer and trying to avoid looking at people as Kai assures me this isn’t going to blow up in my face.

He pulls a piece of paper from his pocket. “Didn’t know if you wanted to use yours, so I got you a lawyer. Anyone from the LAPD comes around asking if you’ve seen Jake since coming back, you give them her number.”

I shake my head and press the cold beer to my bruised cheek. “This isn’t just going to go away.”

He grins. “It’s already going away. We’re going to spin this so good, you’re going to come out of it, smelling like roses and looking like a saint.”

When a woman walks past us and does a double-take at how beat up we look. I pull my baseball cap down a little lower and shake my head. “It’s too risky. We should just keep the promo to a minimum. No interviews.”

Kai takes a gulp of his beer and frowns. “I’ll be the one showboating. You just say you’re happy to be back and direct any questions about Jake to the promotor.”

“It can’t be that easy.”

He reaches for his laptop and opens it. “You weren’t there. Jake has lost a lot of support. People are distancing themselves from him. Him disappearing has made it easy for people. No one is going to go looking.”

To prove it, he brings up a few articles all saying Jake needs to be held to account for bringing MMA into disrepute.

“What about his wife? His family?”

His forehead wrinkles as he frowns. “You mean the wife he fucked around on and the son who hates his guts? They don’t give a shit. They didn’t want anything to do with him while he was alive. Their lives are better without him.”

I scan the article stating Jake is due in court the first week of January. No wonder he came. He was getting desperate. His reputation is in tatters, the only reason he was still hanging on is a few of his most loyal fighters never officially cut ties with him.

But if Kai’s right, unofficially his fighters are starting to look for new coaches.

As another person looks at us, I know it’s only going to be a matter of time before someone recognizes me.

“This is never going to work. We’ll end up in jail before we finish training camp.”

Kai mutters under his breath. “Are you forgetting who you’re dealing with? You really think my cousin and my family are going to walk away from this deal just because my coach dropped out of the picture? They wanted you. As long as they get you, they don’t care.”

When I find an article about my continued silence regarding Carrie-Anne’s death, I blow out a sigh. “I’m exactly where I didn’t want to be right now. I hate all this shit.”

He snorts a laugh. “Yeah well, I love this shit. I’m right where I want to be. And you need to quit worrying about things you can’t control.”

When I don’t reply he reminds me he’s more than just my teammate, he’s affiliated with so many criminals I don’t even want to think about it.

“We have PR people and lawyers to take care of all the other shit. Jake didn’t give a flying fuck about you or about me. You need to let it go and focus on getting your head in the right place or you’ll end your career looking like a pussy. And I don’t want to beat a pussy. I want to beat Raging Ryder Renholm at his best.”

I look out the window. “Just one fight. And I don’t have to deal with any of this promo bullshit,” I mutter.

He slaps me on the shoulder. “Just keep your eye on the prize. One month and you are free to do whatever the fuck you want.”

That should bring me some comfort, but all it does is remind me that until I’m sure no one is coming for me, this is not over.

“We have thirty minutes, I’m getting another drink, you want something?”

I shake my head. “I’m going to check my emails. Last time I did there were two thousand.”

He chuckles and gets to his feet. “Sucks to be popular.”

As he struts away, I log in and sip my beer as I check my business account and then my personal.

I dismiss them all, but one name makes me click open without hesitation.

Hey,

I don’t know if you’ll get this. I tried calling you after the funeral, but your number was disconnected.

I know you cleared out her locker and held on to her stuff. Keep it.

I can’t even look at her trophies. I’ve put them in storage.

I just wanted you to know I don’t blame you or hold it against you for not speaking out.

You did what you could.

Liz.

I swallow hard and drink the rest of my beer in an attempt to dislodge the knot firmly in my throat.

My fingers hover over the keyboard, but I can’t seem to find the right thing to say.

Instead of answering Carrie’s girlfriend, I find myself opening up my old social media more to distract myself from Liz’s email than anything else.

I scroll through the usual clickbait stuff until I find what I was looking for.

Sure enough, under a hashtag my PR chick set up for me there’s a post about me, or more importantly about me and Millie.

I look like a dick in the photo, and the text underneath makes it sound like Millie and I have been together holed up in Alaska for some time.

I backtrack until I find her business account, and snort a laugh as I see her cannonballing, buck naked into the lake beside Cindy’s retreat.

The text seems more authentic, and I have to wonder if she insisted on writing it herself.

Didn’t see the lights, but I did have the experience of a lifetime. Met some incredible people and even if it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped, I wouldn’t change a single moment.

My jaw clenches as I stare at the naked shot she didn’t want to do but likely staged just for Cindy’s benefit.

She must have been freezing, and it burns at me that I wasn’t there to warm her up.

A sharp pain stabs at me, and if it weren’t for the fact I’m staring at the smiling photo she took of me, I’d blame them on the kick Kai landed to my ribs.

Whatever it is I’m feeling, it hurts like hell, and with things about to get crazy, I’m running out of time.

Before I can think about what I’m doing, I’m picking up my phone and tapping out a text to Cindy.

Even if I wanted to, I can’t start something now.

Her reply comes back instantly.

If you don’t, someone else will.

***

Two days later…

Millie

Now back in my apartment for the first time in over a week, I sink into a hot bath, bubbles up to my neck, and sigh as the warm water soothes away some of the aches an economy seat has given me.

After assuring my parents I’ll try to slow down a little and come visit more often, I’m still undecided as to whether to keep my word to Cindy and visit Alaska in April.

As I mentally weigh up all the pros and cons, the list seems to be leaning heavily towards too many cons that all seem to include Ryder.

Unfortunately, possible sex with Ryder is on both sides. The pro being insanely good orgasms, and the con is that I can’t get to those incredible orgasms without dealing with going back to Ryder’s cabin again.

That alone is enough to add more cons to the list. I don’t think I could step foot in that cabin again, let alone relax in it.

At some point, I know I’ll either get curious, or feel guilty, but after a cursory check on the internet, I can’t find anything about Coach Jake Austin other than an article about pending court cases from numerous women.

No matter how much I try to find a way to deal with what happened, it’s hard to accept it was an accident.

Logically, I know Ryder didn’t pull the trigger, and I know Kai was just as likely to have been shot, but it’s almost too convenient.

Somewhere between leaving Alaska and arriving in Sacramento, I’ve given up trying to work out what happened to Jake after I left, and have placed that little unpleasant nugget in the mental drawer marked ‘I don’t want to know’.

No matter why Jake died, he still did. And no matter how much I hated what he did to me, I’m still losing sleep over the role I played.

Without my interference, Jake would still be alive.

The only thing consoling me is that as far as I can see, neither Kai nor Ryder really could have benefited from his death.

Sure I’m right, and sure I can move on eventually, I let my neck muscles relax and try to get my mind to do the same but my phone ringing beside me wrecks the effect.

I sigh and accept I can no longer dodge Terry’s phone calls, and reach for my phone and answer without even checking the caller ID.

“This is Millie,” I say.

“Finally! She answers her damn phone.”

“Hi, Terry.”

“I need to explain about the photo shit. But I’m going to sound like a complete weasel so prepare yourself, okay?”

I doubt he can wriggle out of this, but I am curious to hear his excuse. “Go ahead.”

“Great. First, it wasn’t me. My wife checked my email, and she posted it before I could stop her. Second, your boy’s lawyer has been on the horn.”

I bolt upright, my heart starting to slam against my ribs. “He’s suing me?”

“At the moment it’s just a threat. But it’s a real one. Both for you and for me. The lawyer is prepared to meet with you. But you have to sign a waiver to not disclose any of the details or further photos of the weekend you spent with Ryder without written consent.”

Considering what I went through on the night Jake died, this is rich and completely ridiculous. “When am I supposed to do all this?”

Terry sighs. “ASAP. He’s staying at the Marriot at Capital Park. His lawyer is there too. They want this put to bed tonight.”

I stare at the bubbles and shake my head. “I just got home, Terry, I’ve been traveling for a week. I’m not meeting Ryder and his lawyer.”

“His lawyer isn’t happy about meeting tonight either. Ryder’s starting a promo tour for a fight in a month. It’s not been announced officially so the last thing they want is unsanctioned photos or info getting out there.”

When I just place my hand over my eyes, he carries on. “If you’d answered my phone calls or checked your email you could have gotten back sooner, and this wouldn’t be a rush.”

I’m so rattled and so angry at him I don’t bother to hide it. “Do not lay this on me. I warned you not to publish the photo. You assured me this wouldn’t happen. This is your doing, and this is exactly why I’m not sure I want to work for you anymore.”

Terry doesn’t reply, but I can hear his heavy breathing and the sound of the TV in the background.

“I deserve that. You know I’d hate to lose you, you’re the longest-serving travel writer I have. But you need to make this meeting tonight. If not for my sake, then for yours. I know you don’t follow MMA, but this comeback fight is a big deal, Ryder’s got an entirely new team backing him this time around, and they won’t hesitate in smothering any publication that could undermine it.”

I stare at my toes poking out from the bubbles at the end of the tub and think about sharing a tub with Ryder.

I was so close to forgiving him, so close to believing maybe he wasn’t a horrible prick, and I was so damn sure he wasn’t going to gain from Jake’s death.

But if he’s going back to fighting, and my father was right about his coach also managing his money, this changes everything.

If he wants to open up this can of worms and sue me, he’ll be the one who needs a lawyer.

“I’ll be there. But consider this my resignation,” I say before I end the call.

I’m so angry I throw my phone and don’t even flinch as it smashes against the wall.