UNENDING QUAGMIRE

Mornings are always known to bring new hope, but that isn't the case with me. Every day, I am drowning in more and more disparity. Problems keep piling up, and I am now in a quagmire again. On one hand, is my sister, who is on the edge of giving in to her tormentor. On the other hand, Deep has decided to punish me in the most hurtful way possible.

The dinner with his mother is tomorrow. I expected that he would keep in touch and ask how my plans for the dinner were. But the jerk didn’t. I swallowed my pride and called him about it last night, and can you imagine the only thing the jerk said was, "The chauffeur will pick you up at seven," and after my bitter "okay," the next thing was him cutting the call? Like hell! There was no, ‘How are you? How are you doing? Nothing like, I miss you?’

He is not just distant, but cold to me now. How can I dare confess my feelings to him with such an attitude? I didn't like that crazy idea of Sheryl, but now I am sure it's a bad idea. An absurd one, for that matter! In addition, I haven't been able to compose even a single song. I have been so absorbed with taking care of the girls and my sister that I have failed to spare time for my music. The issue with Deep is slowly taking away my ability to even think properly. My mind is a total mess. I have lost interest in almost everything, including music, which was my world. How can I compose a song when I am in the midst of a heartbreak crisis? Leave alone writing; I don't even want to listen to these love songs anymore, especially mine.

'Falling for you’ is a bitter truth about how deeply I have fallen over heels for a guy who doesn't seem to care about my feelings at all. The one entitled ‘Don't ever leave me’ sounds like total crap to my ears. How can you ask someone who was never yours not to leave? How can you convince someone who has no interest in you whatsoever to stay? And the worst of all, I love you, which is one hell of a fucking shit! Love, huh?

I have had just enough irony with this word! I had never felt the power of this sweet, four-letter word before. It sounded like noise to me before. No guy ever made me feel what the word love is supposed to make you feel. That is why I never had a boyfriend. Then came the monstrous Ejay. His way of loving was one hell of a torment! If that was love, I never wanted to experience it. But who knew that this sh*t would hit me when I least expected it? I felt the spark even before the guy could say the very first word to me. I fell in love, and I can't explain how it happened. I gave it my all without regrets, without asking where it was leading—my mind, my heart, and my body. I'm so deep into this shit that I have no way of getting out. But who am I in love with?

A guy who is everything to me, but I am nothing to him! Now what I presumed was love has ended, and I don't even see its end approaching! Maybe it was just his adventure. Bitter sigh!

Partly, I blame myself. I assumed things. I should have asked questions just to be sure. I shouldn't have expected too much without knowing even a tiny detail of what we had. I would not be hurting like this. But I thought that he, at least...

Enough with the thinking and assuming. I don't want to continue fooling myself. I have done enough emotional damage to myself as it is. This is enough! Deep doesn't want me, and maybe he never did! But just this one question:. Why did he do all that for me? The sweet chit-chats, the romantic gestures and moments, the flowers that are blooming in front of me right now—all those mind-blowing moments of intimacy—had really no meaning to them. Nothing meant anything to him. All the love and care I thought I saw in him was just in my mind. Was it all just my mere imagination?

And his question that day before he stormed out of my house. He was so determined to know if I liked him. I saw how eagerly he waited when I almost confessed to him. I saw how he reacted when I said I didn't like him. He changed all of a sudden. Like he was hoping otherwise. He wished for me to say the truth, which I have no doubt he could see with his naked eyes.

Come to think of it, that is when all this coldness started. My answer that day is the root cause of all this heart-ripping distance and iciness. Was he hurt? Ooh, Gia Wilsons! Come on now! It's like you want to kill yourself over this guy! Here you are again, assuming. Making a mountain out of a mole. He is the one making you suffer, yet you are pulling all the strings to make him look blameless! Well, he is my spotless Greek god! I roll my eyes. My mind is right! I listen to my mind and abandon this deep issue, because it's doing nothing but hurting me more. I am swimming in a pool of problems, and instead of sulking, I should be trying to solve what can be solved. For the rest, fate will take care of them.

Like the issue with my father's body—sorry, I had forgotten—the report came yesterday. His body was not found among all those that were exhumed. That is another puzzle I am unable to solve. If his body was not buried there, then where? I hate this Ejay, even in his grave. I have no clue where else to look. I feel like I will never find him.

Before my mind wanders off to create more puzzles that I will not be able to solve, I kiss the blooming rose flowers and walk out. It's funny how someone feels so distant but so close at the same time. I am surrounded by so many things that remind me of him. Starting with this phone that I am using and the rose flowers, I have a dozen clothes that he personally bought for me. Even if there was nothing physical to remind me of him, the memories of the beautiful adventures with him are freshly stuck in my mind, and they aren't going anywhere. That is how deeply I treasure and cherish him—now and perhaps forever.

The adventure with him was a crazy but sweet one. Remembering them makes my heartbeat increase. They warm my heart with desire and longing. The pleasure and all the fun that came with it were just mind-clogging bliss!

"Miss, we are here." The cab driver says, looking at me through the driver's mirror, and it's now that I realize I have been smiling for God knows how long. See how these little things about him turn me into an idiot! "You are so beautiful, miss! If I were you, I would never hide that smile." He adds, winking at me.

If only that were possible with all that is happening. "Thank you. Here is my payment. Have a good day." I say, trying to keep the smile, however difficult that is. I get out of the cab.

"Your change, miss!" The driver calls when I start walking to the gate, making me turn to him.

"It's alright. Keep it." I say.

"Thank you. Don't forget to smile, okay?"

"I'll keep that in mind, Mr. Good Day." I urge him to smile and turn to leave as he turns the cab around to go his way.

I greet Sheryl and the girls outside. They are all here, bathing in the sun and enjoying their own company, breathing in the peace of freedom, except my sister. She has been taken captive by something that I don't know, and I need to do something before it becomes too late.

One last trial. One last one. If this fails, at least I will give it my all.

I withdraw from them after a short chit-chat and walk inside the house and upstairs to her room. She is not sleeping today, nor is she standing at her usual spot at the window. She is sitting at the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. She doesn't lift her head even after I enter, probably because she hasn't noticed me like she always has. I close the door and walk up to her. I kneel in front of her, lifting her head to look at her.

The look in her eyes today is evidently different. She has tears in her eyes. She was crying. I don't know what sign this is, but I am afraid of the worst. "I am so sorry, sissy. Forgive me for what I am about to do, but I won't allow you to continue hurting like this. I don't want to do this, but my hands are tied. This is the only way I can think of to help you. I love you." I kiss her forehead, and I turn away from her.

It hurts me to give her away to a mental facility, but what else can I do? It breaks my heart, but I have to do what needs to be done for her own good. For her sake. I have tried all that I possibly could, and I have no more time to waste. I don’t want things to become worse than they already are. I take my phone and dial, waiting with a pounding heart for every single ring.